Gay Swinging: Rules, Etiquette, Tips And More

Last Updated 15.11.2022
18 min read

Are you one of those couples who opted for a non-monogamous relationship and want to participate in gay swinging? If you have never attended swinger parties before, you should get prepared for your first-time experience.

You should learn some basic rules of the play and consider all the aspects of having sex with polyamory strangers. Let's dive into the topic and define the dos and don'ts of swinging practices.

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What Is Swinging?

In a broad sense, "swinging" is an activity in which people in a relationship have sex with other couples and singles. All these things are considered swinging:

  • "Soft" or "full" partner swapping ("soft swappers" don't have penetrative sex with others; "full swappers" do accept penetrative sex);

  • Group sex: one couple has sex with other couples and singles;

  • Watching: one partner watches his partner having sex with one or more outside partners.

How can you get your first swinging experience? You can find a couple to swap with, or you can attend a swinging party. In most cases, it's better to start small and have sex with two or four people only. Why? Because as a newbie, you will likely feel awkward when taking part in swinging events with dozens of attendees.

Photo by Joshua Mcknight

Psychological Aspects of Swinging

Swinging is a fun experience, but it's not for everyone! While some people find it exciting to see their partners getting involved in sexual intercourse with outside partners, other people describe swinging as a hurtful experience.

Don't Try Swinging if Your Are Not Into It

Has your partner invited you to a swinger event? Don't accept the invitation if you are not ready for that. If you don't want to share your boyfriend with other guys, you should say "no" and reason your rejection.

Unfortunately, many guys accept such invitations because of the fear that they may lose their boyfriends. You should never make such a choice! The truth is that if your partner loves you, he will understand you and will not force you to get into swinging.

If he does not accept the rejection and threatens you with a breakup, it's a sign that he is not your match. You don't need such a person in your life.

The thing is that even if you do what he wants, it will not save your relationship. Swinging will become a traumatic experience because of jealousy, and you will break up anyway.

Appreciate Your Partner's Choice

If you are the one who offers to take part in a swinging party, you should ensure that your partner fully supports your idea. You should not put any pressure on your boyfriend! Let him consider all the pros and cons and decide whether he is ready to start living a swinging lifestyle.

Take the Jealousy Issues Seriously

Whether you define yourself as a jealous person or not, you should understand that swinging can make you feel jealous at some point. Yes, I know that swinging couples always look happy and unbothered in adult movies. But real-life experiences can be different.

If you are a faithful person and do not tolerate infidelity, it might be extremely challenging for you to control your feelings. Are you ready to see someone giving oral sex to someone you love with all your heart?

Try to imagine this situation as brightly as possible. What do you feel: sexual excitement and thrill or jealousy and disappointment? Explore your feelings before you get involved in this kind of sexual activity.

"Jealousy in swinging couples is a common and acceptable response to a romantic partner's real or imagined infidelity. Partners need to develop a shared couple identity and shared rules and boundaries to manage jealousy to enjoy swinging," says Richard Oliver de Visser.

Set Ground Rules and Boundaries

First and foremost, you should discuss your expectations and preferences with your partner and define what you find acceptable. Here are a few important topics you should talk about in the very beginning:

  • Types of sex: anal sex, oral sex, fisting, toy sex, etc.

  • A number of partners: make it clear whether you want to have sex with only one or a few swinging couples or join a swinger club and participate in parties with 20+ people.

  • Intimacy level. Define whether it's okay to kiss outside partners.

  • Roles. Discus whether both of you want to give and receive sex or whether one of you wants only to watch.

  • Safe sex rules. Decide on whether you will use condoms and get tested for sexually transmitted infections after parties.

  • Define whether you will play in mixed doubles and have sex with female partners.

Also, you should agree on the fact that if one of you feels uncomfortable, you will leave a party. As a couple, you should support each other and respect each other's feelings.

Depending on what approach you will choose to swing, it may influence your relationship and your sex life both positively and negatively. To achieve positive outcomes, stay connected with your partner. Talk about your concerns to ensure that you and your lover are on the same page.

Photo by Anna Shvets

Etiquette of Swinger Parties

Are you ready to attend a large swinger party and have fun with like-minded people? Before you enter a club, you should learn some basic rules that every swinger should follow.

Don't Talk Too Much

Sex parties are not a place for talks; it's a place for physical interactions. So please, don't try to start a meaningful conversation with fellow swingers, and don't talk with your lover. Focus on the actions and just enjoy this one-of-a-kind sex experience.

Tip: Even small talk can kill the vibe of the event. So keep your mouth shut and show that you respect the privacy of others.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Ask Questions about Condom Policy Beforehand

Every party has an established policy regarding the use of condoms. Typically, all swinger parties fall into one of two categories:

  • Condom-only party. If you want to take part in the play, you MUST wear a condom or dental dam.

  • Bareback party. It's supposed that you are ready to play bare. If you try to use condoms, the host of the event will likely ask you to take them off or leave the club.

If you attend a condom-only party, don't forget to bring a pack of condoms of your favourite brand. Even if the venue provides free barrier contraception, your condoms will come in handy.

Tip: For your own safety, change a condom every time you change a partner.

Photo by cottonbro studio

Follow Safe Sex Practices

If you want your sex life to be long and happy, you shouldn't ignore safe sex rules. The first thing we encourage you to do is to analyse the pros and cons of attending bareback parties.

Yes, such parties can help you to reveal your sexuality. But they also can put your couple at risk of getting infected with HIV, syphilis, hepatitis, and other STIs. If these risks do not scare you, you still need to get tested for STIs on a monthly basis.

Interesting fact: According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), over 68 million Americans live with STIs. It's official statistics. The actual number is much bigger.

Swinging couples more than others need to set regular STI screenings. Why? If one of you gets infected but gets tested on time, the second partner will have a chance to adopt simple preventive measures and remain healthy.

Bring Your Lube and Poppers

Not every venue provides enough lube for swingers. So if you don't want to have dry sex, take a bottle (or two) of your favorite lube with you. The more partners you will change, the more lube you will use.

The same situation is with poppers, the inhalants made from chemicals from the alkyl nitrite family. Do you use them to relax your sphincter before a deep penetration? Don't expect that the host of the event will provide you with this magical substance. Grab a bottle of poppers with you.

Lube and poppers are essentials for gay men, especially during pride month. So don't hesitate to stock up on these products.

Respect the Anonymity and Confidentiality of Other Participants

The vast majority of swinger parties promote the idea of anonymity and confidentiality. Here is how it works: you come to the party, play and have fun, and then go home. You don't ask other participants' names, and you don't ask them what they do for a living.

What should you do if you randomly run into your co-worker or someone you know? You can say "Hi! How are you doing?", but nothing more. You shouldn't discuss anything that may reveal the personal details of other swingers.

In other words, you shouldn't say things like these: "Hey Jeremy! I know you! You work for a marketing department with my friends Elise and Emily. I'm surprised to see you here!" By saying words like these, you may make other swingers feel awkward and compromised.

Follow a Dress Code

Some swinging parties have a strict dress code, so you should get dressed accordingly. In some cases, it's enough to wear a jockstrap and harnesses made of leather or latex. In other cases, you need to wear a specific gear, for example, a BDSM cat mask.

Tip: Check the dress code requirements once you get invited. It will take you a few days to find and order the necessary gear online.

Dress code rules can be confusing. So if you don't know what to wear for your first swinging party, you are not alone with this problem. Here is a tweet from a user who also wonders what it means "to dress pride casually".

Wear a Mask (If Required)

At some parties, the use of face masks (I mean fetish masks, not medical masks) is obligatory. Masks allow swingers to hide their faces so they can enjoy sex with multiple partners without fear of being compromised.

Have you never used masks in your bedroom? We highly encourage you to try on a few different masks and find the one that fits you comfortably. That's more important than you may think.

The discomfort of wearing an uncomfy mask may totally ruin your first swinging experience. If a mask slips, or if it makes your face sweat like crazy, you will not be able to concentrate on sex activities and get pleasure.

Get a Pair of Tall Socks

Since you don't know other guys who attend an event, you should store your valuables in a safe place. And guess what? Tall socks can work perfectly for this purpose.

Obviously, you can't wear any clothing with pockets during intercourse. So tall socks are the only alternative you have. You can use them to store your cash, keys, credit cards, and other valuables.

Another great thing about socks is that they add a personal touch to your look. Just take a glimpse at these rainbow socks! They are comfy and stylish! Besides, they are a symbol of gay culture.

Consider Taking Part in Mixed Swinging

As a gay couple, you can swap with other gay couples. Or you also can be interested in having sex with other queers, including bisexual men and women.

Have you ever had sex with female partners? If you are looking for new ways to expand your sexual horizons, you should give it a try. Sex with queer women will not change your sexuality, but will greatly enrich your sex life.

Have an "Exit Plan" Just in Case

Your safety is a top priority. So before you get naked in front of a crowd of sexually hungry guys, you should think of what you will do if something goes wrong.

Unfortunately, the world of swinging is not perfect. And there are cases when sex parties turn into a nightmare. Some guys may get drunk or get high and start doing unacceptable things. They may lose control and start hurting other people.

If you don't want to become a victim, you should build an "exit plan". Once you enter a venue, you should think of how you can leave a building in case of an emergency. Of course, you shouldn't be paranoid. But you need to be prepared for whatever scenario for the night.

Watch Your Drinks

Has someone ever tried to dose you by adding drugs to your drink at a party? We hope it has never happened to you. Anyway, you should understand that this world is full of crazy people who use drugs to sedate or incapacitate victims and commit physical and sexual assaults.

Interesting fact: Rohypnol (or Roofie) and Gamma Hydroxybutyrate (GHB) are the most commonly known "date-rape" drugs.

If you don't want to be assaulted by a "bad guy", be careful with what you drink. Preferably, you should use your own water bottle and don't allow others to touch it. Drink spiking is a part of club culture, and you should be on the alert while living your best sex life.

Play Dominant and Submissive Roles

Do you always play only one sex role in your bedroom? When you try sex outside your relationships, you can also try different roles. Get to know the difference between dominant and submissive roles and see where this experience will take you.

Feel Confident Saying "No"

Don't want to have sex with one of the invited swingers? Don't want to complete a specific action or use a huge sex toy? Say "no" and do it confidently. Don't be afraid to be rude, and don't worry about what other people might think about you. Set your boundaries and make other couples respect them.

Clean after Yourself

Sex parties are "messy parties". When a bunch of guys has hot sex together, the floor, mattresses, chairs, and other furniture gets dirty with lube, sperm, and other substances.

If you want to get invited to the next party, be a good guy and don't forget to clean after yourself and your partner - it's also a part of the sex party culture. Use an old towel, wet wipes, or mops to wipe out any liquids and dirt.

Know that You Can Get Rejected

If a guy has come to a swinging party, it doesn't mean that he wants to have sex with everyone in the room. So before you force someone into a sexual game, you should get non-verbal consent. You should make sure that the chosen guy is willing to play an assigned role (to be the top or bottom).

Let's consider an example. Imagine two boys sitting on a sofa in the corner of the room. They are staring at their phones and ignoring your presence.

If these guys don't show you any interest, you shouldn't touch them. Probably they are newbies and feel shy. Or maybe they are in a bad mood and are not ready to have fun with you.

Don't Set Too High Expectations

If you have been living a pretty modest sex life, your first swinging experience may shock you. And that's totally fine! Do you feel awkward? You can be sure that other first-timers feel the same way. Most people have the same controversial feelings when they do it for the first time.

Try to relax and go with the flow. Don't forget that your partner is in the same room as you. And if you need his support, he will come and save you.

Remember that if you find out that swinging culture is not for you, you can quit anytime. Once you do it, your one-time experience will become just history.

Tip: You can change your mind anytime and opt for a sex life that matches your preferences on all levels.

Benefits of Making Swinging a Part of Your Sex Life

Are you still hesitant about having sex with other swingers? Swinging can improve your relationship and uplevel your sex lives. Here are some main benefits:

  • Make your sex lives brighter. Get a unique experience at every party and create sweet memories together.

  • Embrace your sexuality and try the things you have always wanted to try. It will make you more open in your current relationship.

  • Strengthen your relationship with your partner. The more new experiences you enjoy together, the closer you become on an emotional level.

  • Enjoy polyamory while being faithful to the person you love. Get a permit to have sex with other people instead of finding ways to cheat on your partner to satisfy your wild sexual desires.

  • Support your lover and best friend while he is exploring his sexuality.

Sex life is an integral part of your everyday life. So the more pleasure you both get from sex, the happier you become.

Photo by Marcelo Chagas

How to Get an Invite to the Party?

Are you ready to meet with other swinging couples but don't know where and how to do it? Here are a few tips for you:

  • Follow local sex clubs on social media. There you will find information about the upcoming swinging events.

  • Find local swingers via a gay dating app. Some guys use such apps to look for swinging partners rather than a relationship.

  • Listen to the people talking about swinging at the gay club. Get involved in the conversation and ask guys to provide you with details.

  • Ask your friend who lives a swinging lifestyle to recommend events for beginners.

Haven't Gotten an Invitation? Throw Your Own Party!

Are you ready to enjoy a swinging lifestyle to the fullest? You can become a host of the event and invite swingers to your very own party. You can set your own rules and decide who will be eligible to attend your night event.

By playing the role of the host, you can enjoy the good company of like-minded people. You can get your favourite music playing and create the atmosphere that appeals to you the most.

Tip: Invite swingers to a hotel room, not your apartment. Remember that when it comes to swinging it's crucially important to ensure anonymity and confidentiality.

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