A Ruined Orgasm as a Pleasure? Who Knew?

Last Updated 09.11.2022
9 min read

There are lots of things that can ruin an orgasm - an unexpected interruption during masturbation, for example. Here you are close to reaching orgasm and experiencing its ecstasy, only to have it torn from you. It can be frustrating at the very least. And you then have to start all over again.

But there is another scenario for a ruined orgasm. And it most often relates to kink sexual activity, specifically inflicting a type of pleasure/painful sensation, conducted by a dominant partner in a BDSM relationship.

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So, Exactly What is a Ruined Orgasm?

In its simplest form, ruined orgasms are about power, either by self-infliction or by someone else during sexual activity. The general idea is to bring yourself or have someone else bring you to the point of orgasm and then deny that orgasm or reduce it to such a low level that it is far from satisfying. In the real world of orgasm control involving two participants of opposite genders, the female partner is usually the dom and the male the submissive. This is unlike forced orgasms in which the male is typically dominant. These gender specifics are according to Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a licensed sex educator, therapist, and the Director of the Intimacy Institute. In both types of scenarios, ruined or forced orgasm is considered a part of kink sex.

What is Behind Ruined Orgasms?

Kink sex involves both pleasure and painful discomfort, for the individual in the role of submissive. And yet the dom also experiences sexual arousal and even orgasm from the teasing, the control, and the humiliation that they inflict upon the sub. Their stimulation comes from power and the ability to ruin and orgasm for someone else.

The sub in this situation also experiences intense pleasure from the painful feeling that is inflicted by a ruined orgasm or one that is reduced in intensity. And an additional factor that may be included is that the sub must complete some task in order to "earn" a climax. It's a type of masochism that many BDSM subs are into and the pleasurable sadism that doms find so erotic.

How to Engage in Orgasm Ruin as a Dom or a Sub

Unless you have the self-control to engage in masturbating and to deny yourself an orgasm for your kink satisfaction (and this would be really tough), then you will be the submissive in a partnership. And that partnership for ruined orgasm, will involve the following steps:

Do Some Research

If you have never engaged in orgasm control, it's time to study up on the process. There are all sorts of porn and YouTube videos on the topic of ruined orgasms; there are blog posts by professionals; you can also engage a sex expert online to get personal advice.

Both Must Give Consent

There should be open communication and rules for safety agreed upon in advance. Those rules must include boundaries, especially if any type of bondage will be used during the sex. This idea of consent to kink is a popular topic of conversation today, even resulting in related articles in such publications as Teen Vogue. And when a magazine like Teen Vogue gets into the discussion, you can be sure that this topic of ruined orgasms is pretty pervasive.

A Safe Word is a Must

This can be either a word or an action (if gags are involved) that indicates the activity must stop. And both will agree that the action will stop immediately without question. While there are not a lot of risks to orgasm control, adding other BDSM techniques can increase it. Pick a unique safe word that does not relate in any way to the sex - a piece of fruit for example.

Begin by Teasing the Sub Partner

There has to be a buildup of strong arousal on the part of the sub - all of this building up to an inevitable orgasm. If you are the dom, you keep up this teasing until you realize that an orgasm is near. You then pull back and stop, wait until that moment passes, and then begin the process all over again. Throughout the process, the sub will usually experience painful discomfort, often called blue balls, with each ruined orgasm, and that is the whole point. When that pain and discomfort are obvious, then the ruined orgasm process has been successful.

Debrief the Experience

It's important to remember that this type of sex play is all about control and manipulation. And that equals power. Humiliation is also involved. It's important to be certain that the sub has been okay with all that has happened and, in fact, got the pleasure/pain they wanted.

Jess O'Reilly, a clinical sexologist states that a ruined orgasm lets two partners in a kinky relationship experiment with the erotic nature of the encounter and play with the emotions of loss of control and humiliation. Further, she reminds those involved in this type of play that there are levels of orgasm. A ruined orgasm means not a good orgasm, not necessarily no orgasm at all. Minor or unsatisfactory orgasms are also ruined ones.

The Difference Between Ruined Orgasms and Edging

There is a distinct difference here. The purpose of edging is to prolong the period of arousal through continual stimulation. And so, there is a start-and-stop procedure but not to the point of denying an orgasm. In fact, the goal of edging is to promote arousal to the point of a far stronger orgasm that is absolutely amazing. The goal is not to inflict discomfort and frustration but to increase pleasurable sex through an intense orgasm.

Contrast that with ruined orgasms. The teasing continues until the point of orgasm is reached and then stops abruptly - a complete shutdown so that what could have been a pleasurable orgasm is reduced to none at all or a minimal one - no or only minimal pleasure The goal is to inflict pain and deny pleasure.

The Difference Between Ruined Orgasms and Forced Orgasms

Just what is a forced orgasm? This is a form of BDSM in which the female partner is usually the sub. Why? Because it's hard to manage settings in which a male can have multiple orgasms without a rest in between. Forced orgasm is kink play that literally "forces" a sub to have more than one climax, as the dom takes complete control of their body. Thus, there may be lots of clit play, either manually or with toys to stimulate enough arousal to have them until the dom decides to stop or the sub uses that safe gesture or word to end it all.

Why Would Anyone Want or Like Ruined Orgasms?

This is a great question, considering that the feeling of great climaxes is what sex is all about. But there are really those, both male and female, who find other sexual activities more important and more pleasurable. Here are a few:

Men (and Some Women) May Have a Fetish

Some men have a fetish that supersedes an orgasm. They want to be controlled, dominated, and even humiliated as they completely submit to a woman (or even another male). Likewise, there are lesbian and bi females who have similar fetishes and want such treatment from their partners. The power play of ruined orgasm is not confined to heteros. Nor is the derived pleasure stimulation

Losing Control

There are a lot of power dynamics going on in this type of sex play. There is the dom who gets off on exerting power over another human being; there is the sub who gets off by giving up control of his sex organs and body to someone else. And remember: this control dynamic can occur between gay, lesbian, and bi relationships too. Heterosexual couples do not necessarily have a "corner" on this loss of control "market."

The Potential for Better Sex Down the Road

Some people believe that this type of sex play can lead to men lasting longer in more "normal" sexual encounters. They can analyze their own arousal patterns and transfer them to other situations. Because of the experience of becoming aroused and then having that arousal taken away, they may indeed last longer in bed, providing more physical pleasure to their partner. And there is no power play involved. It's just great sex.

Are There Risks in Ruined Orgasms?

Any power play sex comes with risk, and a ruined orgasm scenario is no different. When stimulation continues without pleasurable release, there are some risks:

  • Men can develop "blue balls" - they experience pain from continued blood flow to the penis without release. The continued stop-and-start stimulation can bring this about.

  • If other "tools" or toys are used, they can pose dangers - bondage straps, certain toys, etc., that can cause physical harm.

  • There is the risk of mental or emotional harm from the ruined orgasm power dynamics involved that cause some emotional distress - humiliation, for example.

Risks occur when BDSM of any kind is taken to an extreme. A ruined orgasm is no exception. When the submissive has had enough, then it is time for the safe gesture or word and an end to the ruined orgasm session. Like all other types of BDSM pleasure-seeking, ruined orgasms should be practiced in moderation. And as long as the sub can achieve normal ejaculation in other circumstances, there is no harm.

Are Ruined Orgasms for You?

It's possible you are intrigued by this whole concept of a ruined orgasm. And maybe you are up for trying it out. There are several things you need to think about.

  • have you done enough research to know that your "right" to orgasm will be denied and how that will happen? That stop-start technique can be emotionally frustrating? At best you will have a less intense type of orgasm than you are used to.

  • Are you willing to give up power over your body, your sexual arousal, and ejaculation to someone else?

  • Are you willing to undergo different types of sexual stimulation determined by someone else, not yourself?

  • Can you find a trusted partner to take full control of a ruined orgasm situation? And will that partner have the skills to accomplish a ruined orgasm so that you get the full effect?

  • Can you deal with the mental and emotional consequences of ruined orgasm sex play? These may include loss of control, frustration, being fully submissive and inferior to someone else, enduring humiliation, etc.?

If you can answer yes to all of these questions, even if you are not normally a part of the dominant-submissive sex "world," you may be interested in at least trying ruined orgasm out and see what your feelings are toward it. Lots of people enjoy being dominant or submissive in other aspects of their lives - why not try it with a sexual partner too?

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