Last Updated 01.03.2023
11 min read

How to Have Gay Sex - It's Not Rocket Science

Alan Schin (he/him/his) is the Chief Editor at Taimi. He wears several hats daily as a writer, editor, blogger, and content contributor. He began his university studies as a Psychology student but found his passion in Advanced Communication Studies. Alan loves having the opportunity to write and help our content team shine. According to Alan, his education helps him to understand the dynamics behind dating and socialization better. When he isn’t busy with Taimi, Alan works on his first novel, a sci-fi thriller, and creates works of art in his ceramics studio.

When did you first know that you were gay? For some guys, it came very early in their lives. For others, societal pressures "forced" them into the community of straight men, even hetero marriage, until they realized they were living a lie.

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    Whenever and however this discovery came about, you are now part of the gay men community and subject to some of the common societal misconceptions. The biggest one is that you are now nothing more than a penis, ready to have sex with anyone else who also has one. Don't buy into this. You are a gay man with many facets to your whole person.

    But you are ready for some new and exciting sex with other gay men, so more power to you.

    Where to begin? You cannot expect yourself to be a gay sex master just because you now want to have sex with other gay men. In fact, there is a learning curve. So, let's begin at the beginning.

    Know Your Terms

    First-timers may never have heard some of the terms used to describe gay sex and different gay sex positions. Here's a short list:

    Top. This does refer to a position of being on top of your gay partner. It refers to the one who is the "giver" of the sex.

    Bottom. This does not refer to your body being underneath someone. The "bottom" is the receiver of the sex.

    Versatile. This refers to someone who is willing to be top or bottom and enjoys flexibility.

    Dom. This is a frequently used term in BDSM sex, but it is also used to refer to guys who are "in charge" of what is going on during sex. Dom is short for "dominant."

    Sub. This is a term used to describe the more passive partner during any sexual act, who does what the dom tells him to do or allows the dom to take charge. It is short for "submissive."

    SO. If you have a longer-term relationship with your gay partner, he is your "Significant Other."

    Male G spot. This is actually the prostate gland that sits just under the bladder. Some men who have sex find it sensitive and erotic. There are two ways to stimulate the male g spot - press on it from the outside on the area between the balls and the rectum. Or, if your guy is up for it, lube up a finger and go about 4 inches into the rectum, and press against the front of his body. You should feel a "bulb."

    Switch. When a dom and a sub reverse their roles.

    Kink. You probably already know this term, but just in case, it refers to sexual activities that go beyond just the normal "vanilla" ones. It might include such things as living out a fantasy you have had in your head, to role-play, to fetishes (so you like feet and toes?), to more serious forms of sadism and masochism. Injecting some kink into a relationship as it moves forward can keep that relationship fresh and exciting.

    There are lots of slang terms within the LGBTQ+ community at large. Two that specifically pertain to gay men refer to anal sex: - "cornholing" and "fudge-packing."

    Pre-Sex Learning for the Newbie

    Before you dive into full-throttle gay sex, you may want to become a little more familiar with how other gay men do it. This would include foreplay, kissing, sexual positions, specific acts, butt sex, and more.

    The Internet holds a wealth of information (and videos) featuring men who have sex with men. Start with some basic reading and viewing. And while you are watching, give some attention to what turns you on and might bring sexual pleasure. You'll want to be able to tell your squeeze what you would like him to do to you and with you.

    You can certainly watch some adult films, at least to find out what turns you on, but don't think that this is a realistic portrayal of sex with men. Adult movies are produced to make money, and the stuff you see is highly exaggerated. Just keep that in mind. Most men do not have a 10-12-inch penis, nor do they squirt a bucket of cum or last for hours of sex at a time. Again, though, watching these films can give you ideas and put some sexual fantasies in mind that you may want to play out for real later on.

    One of the best places to do a bit of research is a gay dating app. Here you will be able to chat with other first-timers and more experienced gay men too. Who knows? You may even find a match in your area to hook up with.

    And don't think that you will be a real master of anything - most first-timers aren't. But if you are with a more experienced mate, he can teach you a lot.

    Baby Steps

    Your first gay sexual encounters will have a lasting impact, so you want to make sure that they are positive and bring sexual pleasure to both you and your mate.

    Begin with the Basics

    Kissing and fondling are the kinds of foreplay you want to begin with. Touch and caress each other's body. This alone should bring arousal.

    From there you can move on to mutual masturbation and sex by mouth. You probably won't be totally skilled in going down on a man's penis, but you'll get there with a bit of practice. Try licking the head of your boyfriend's manhood, move on to licking the shaft, and then take it in, going up and down as you suck. Holding his balls when you do this or pressing on the g-spot may help too.

    During all of this, you should be talking - what feels good to each of you? You may have different sexual preferences, and the point is to satisfy each other.

    Now, if your boyfriend is more experienced, these first encounters will be learning sessions, and that's a good thing, as long as he is patient and does not push you too fast.

    Moving On from Vanilla

    Vanilla sex usually happens in pretty standard positions, but there are so many options for sexual positions once you move beyond the initial early penis play and mouth/tongue play. One of the biggest categories of this "moving beyond" is anal play.

    Butt Sex

    Before you venture into butt sex, you will want to learn a little bit about this part of your body. Of course, you know the function of your rectum and anus. What can make this type of sexual encounter so pleasurable is the fact that your prostate gland is up there with lots of nerve endings. That's why this penetration can result in great orgasms for many gay men.

    Start Small

    Yes, start small. Before you go full-blown into sex by penetration, explore your anus on your own. Lube up a finger and stick it in. Get the feel of having something up there. And you can always buy a dildo and use it to get used to something bigger than a finger.

    The point is this. Penetrative sex takes some getting used to, and you don't want your first real experience to be a bad one.

    Avoid Messes

    When you are ready for the real thing, like a good Boy Scout, you must be prepared. This means you clean out if you are at the bottom. You can use water from a shower hose or buy a bulb douche or a pre-made enema. 

    Accidents do happen. So be sure to keep some wet wipes on hand. And don't be too embarrassed. Most men with experience have experienced accidents before.

    Top or Bottom

    Depending on which position you will be taking, be sure to have at least a short talk before you begin. It's important that each of you will honor the bottom's instructions to stop or go on.

    One final note: Quickies should not be a part of penetration. Kissing, caressing, and other types of foreplay should always occur so that both of you are really aroused.

    Positions

    This can be one of the most enjoyable explorations of all. And as you explore those positions for all kinds of sexual acts, keep in mind that nothing is really wrong if both you and your mate agree to it. Here are just a few of the positions you can experiment with.

    The Standard "69"

    If you engage in oral sex, this is a common position. You can lie side-by-side or inverted with your bodies touching in all places. This is also often referred to as a missionary position, and it can really be amazing oral sex. The mouth is a great sex tool.

    Doggy Style

    Standard doggy style has the "bottom" on his hands and knees with the "top" entering him from behind. But there are many variations, and couples should explore which one(s) give the most sexual pleasure - spooning, flat (with the bottom on his stomach and butt raised), face-to-face with the bottom's butt raised, and so on. Time to experiment.

    Cowboy

    The "top" sits on a chair and the "bottom" lowers himself on his "manhood" and then rides like a cowboy on a horse. Get the picture? This can be lots of fun and the "bottom" can control how far the penetration is.

    For a much longer list of positions, check this out. You'll find so many things to try.

    Toys

    When most people think about gay sex toys, they think of dildos. And certainly, these probably make up the vast majority of sex toys overall. but within that category, there are just a huge number of variations. There are a few benefits to having some dildos on hand:

    • You can enjoy anal fun all on your own when you are not with a mate

    • You can use them to train your butt for the real thing

    • And of course, you and your mate can use them on each other or, in some cases, at the same time for certain models.

    • The variety can bring about all different types of arousing sensations - vibrating, expanding, etc.

    There are a wealth of other toys as well, depending on what you might find fun and exciting. If you have a mate, shop for sex toys together, either online or at a brick-and-mortar store.

    Whether you are opting for toys or the real thing or both, one area that should be of big concern to you is your sexual health.

    Minimizing the Risk of Infection and Keeping Sexual Health

    Now that you have embraced your new sexuality, it's time to do everything you can to avoid sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It's important that you not only do the research on these diseases but that you learn how to prevent and treat them. Here are some basic tips:

    • Condoms are always the best choice with penetration and will certainly lower the risk of transmission

    • Frequent testing will ensure that you get early treatment if you do come up with something. If you don't get tested regularly, condoms are a must to reduce risk.

    • There is nothing wrong with asking a mate to get tested before he goes without condoms. This will ensure safer sex.

    • Look into all of the ways to prevent and treat HIV infection. There are so many new meds that are really effective. It's no longer the death sentence it used to be, and you can still pursue your sexuality even though infected.

    Enjoy Your New Sexuality

    Knowing you are gay and making the decision to pursue that sexuality will set you on a journey that will be both exciting and fun. It won't be without its ups and downs as you discover your body with a different perspective and explore what brings pleasure and satisfies you. Each sexual encounter will add something new to your journey. And over time, you will refine and expand your sexual practices to enjoy a full repertoire. Stay safe and have fun!


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