This type of relationship subsists on a long list of agreements, rules, boundaries, and most importantly respect. In short, the most important rule of a poly relationship is to communicate. Poly relationships have also flourished significantly in the gay community as well. However, the gay community has always been scrutinized for going against the norm, so for many members entering a non-monogamous relationship can feel rather intimidating. Here are a few questions, comments as well as answers that will help to guide you in what you may expect from poly partnerships as a gay person.
What Does it Mean to be in a Polyamorous relationship?
To be in a gay poly relationship essentially means to have relations or a partnership with more than one partner. However, this does not mean that everyone in an open relationship or anyone dating multiple people is actively in a polyamory relationship.
You can think of this as a Venn diagram, in which many of these aspects have similarities, but each part is different. For example, a person in an open relationship may only consider one person as their partner, which would mean that they are not in polyamorous relationships. While the person dating multiple people may consider all of three men their partners their own but may keep their partnerships hidden from others.
A poly relationship is essentially built on a basis of communication and equality. You go through a process in which you express boundaries for each of your partners. You tell each of them what they can expect as well as what you expect from them. Finally, you consider each person you date as a partner, and you allow your partners to be open about dating others as well.
Why Are People Drawn to Polyamory?
There are many reasons why gay couples are drawn to these types of pairings. Sometimes a married couple just happens to find a third person that they enjoy spending time with and it just happens. Gay men may find that while they love each other, they just aren’t getting the satisfaction they want from having sex with each other and will wish to seek out that satisfaction in other ways.
Sometimes creating a family of three gay men who love each other is the best way to find support for the mental, emotional, and financial needs that they may find themselves in. Life can often be difficult and expensive, and there are times when the best way to move forward is to find yourself in a different kind of lifestyle.
What are polyamorous families like?
In simple terms, despite the multiple adults being together a polyamorous family is not much different from a family that consists of friends or a monogamous couple. Instead, it’s just a different way of being a family. A family made of gay men who are looking to support and care for one another is just as valuable as one that is created through the support of friends.
In some places, polyamorous family units are legally recognized, but this is rare and limited when compared to traditional marriage. However, not all states recognize families created from polyamory to be valid. Therefore if you wish to be married and have children with more than one person as your partners it is best to find out if the marriage will be valid where you live.
Does society accept polyamory? That depends. Acceptance of non-traditional unions are on the rise. But, there are also reactionary forces that are working hard to ensure that only straight, monogamous couplings are considered valid.
How do I know that a Poly relationship will work for me?
Just like all relationships, each one of the poly relationships we have seen has worked at its best in a different kind of way. However, we can say that like all partnerships there is still a base set of rules that can be followed in order to give the most success.
Remember to always communicate, communication is absolutely the key to success for any partnership. Whether it be between only two people, your friends, or anyone else you care about. Good communication is key as it allows you to explore difficult topics. If something happens to go wrong, if you or anyone else who is involved feel like they need to talk, or if jealousy starts to rear its ugly head. Always take the time to communicate. Failure to do this could cause failure in all partnerships.
Remember that consent is key, and when it comes to polyamory this involves everyone who is involved. One of your partners may be perfectly fine with you bringing in someone new. Another may feel uncomfortable without certain steps being taken first. It doesn’t matter if you are gay, straight, bi, or anything else. This is a key part of success in polyamory, and it’s best to make sure you have talked to everyone before you move forward.
Support and self-advocate, not just for yourself but for everyone who is affected. Being a gay man and polyamorous can get a lot of strange reactions from people, even those who you may consider to be your friends. Lack of equality, inability to get a marriage license in some places, as well as a lack of general knowledge about being poly. All of these are elements that will lead to the need of having to be an advocate and fight for progress in these areas.
What Are The Pros? What Are The Cons?
If you find yourself in a position where polyamory partnerships seem to be attractive to you it is best to approach things from a logical position. You may find yourself talking with family or anyone else you care about and asking for their opinion, doing research online, or reading stories. However, the pros and cons are subjective to each individual.
There are issues with marriage in which some states may allow you to marry multiple people, while others will not. Some people find themselves worried about the potential jealousy that they may deal with. There is also how one partner’s sex life will be affected, some people go into polyamory excited about the threesomes that they might have, or the idea that they get another husband to love.
When you find yourself wanting to court another friend or potential partner, and both you and your current partner are open to the idea of being poly then what you choose are pros and cons and are completely subjective to you and your own feelings.
How do I approach sex in this situation?
Sex is a huge part of any type of romantic partnership. It doesn’t matter if we are talking about marriage or simply dating. This is a topic that comes into play in this type of situation.
There are many ways to approach this topic, from the types of sex you may find yourself having. To the rules and boundaries that you wish to create. However, if you plan to be with multiple people it is always best to start from the beginning.
The first step is to get yourself tested for any potential diseases and to make sure that you get yourself tested on a regular basis. If someone mentions that you don’t seem like your usual self take that as a sign to get tested.
Speak with the others about boundaries and needs, then combine that to create a dynamic that works for all of you.
While sexual desires and the act of which is completely natural, there are defined consequences that you need to consider.
What Should I do if I want to go Poly but my current partner doesn’t?
This story is very common. Someone may find themselves falling in love with multiple people, while others may find themselves ridden with jealousy. If you find yourself dealing with this sort of drama there are ways to help you deal with it.
Discuss with them why there’s such a pull for you into this sort of lifestyle, then allow them to tell you why it doesn’t appeal to them. Make sure that both of you are allowed to make comments and counterarguments in order to make this work.
What you shouldn’t do is pressure them. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself. Which might mean that you can’t be part of something that doesn’t involve ethical non monogamy. Just know that their boundaries may include a firm refusal to be non-monogamous.
Of course, there is the chance that breaking up ends up being the best option for both of you, but you both may be able to find a way to still make it work. Remember that not everybody who is involved in a poly partnership is poly themselves. Just as not everyone who is in an LGBTQ-based relationship is queer.
Is there anything else to consider?
The last thing to consider is your own thoughts and feelings about this sort of thing. Allow yourself to read and comment on blogs discussing both the negative and positive aspects of being poly. You can even read comments made by others in order to ensure that you are seeing things from all angles. Just as most LGBTQ people don’t come out of the closet immediately after they get the feeling they are different, being poly isn’t something that you should feel the need to rush into.
Share this post:
