What do the TV shows “The Golden Girls” and “Three’s Company” have in common? Yeah, they’re both old shows, and they’re also both sitcoms from the 70s and 80s.
The other thing that both shows had in common is that they were examples of different types of living arrangements. In “The Golden Girls,” three single female seniors (and the mother of one of them) all lived together and shared their comedic lives on national television. In “Three’s Company,” two girls and a guy lived in a multi-bedroom apartment, sharing their comedic lives too.
In both shows, the relationships among the roommates were strictly platonic and therefore socially acceptable. Today, we might refer to them as early types of polycules – people living together for mutual benefit.
But polycule today has a completely different meaning. It refers to multiple partners (3 or more) living in a non-monogamous, polyamorous relationship, with relationship dynamics that resemble molecular bonds we see in chemistry – thus, the title of this article.
A Brief Rundown of Poly’s
The term “poly” simply means many. When used as part of a definition of human relationships, it refers to any and all non-monogamous relationships in which there are more than two partners.
And today, there are a large number of “poly’s” – polygamy, polyamory, polygyny, polyfidelity, and polycule. It’s hard to keep them all straight, but the common denominator is they are all non-monogamous relationships.
Let’s unpack all of these terms
You may have heard of terms like polygamy, polyamory, polygyny, polycule, polyfidelity, or all sorts of different terms that you may or may not know the definition of. Like a lot of terms these days, it can be hard to keep up with them and remember what’s what. After all, it’s not like they are hot items with the mainstream media.
Let’s talk a little about the different types of “poly” terms and how they relate to each other while remaining individual.
Polyamory and Polygamy
A polyamorous person is one who has romantic relationships with more than one person. Polygamy refers to non monogamy situations in which someone is married to more than one person. In terms of the legality of these two situations, polygamy is illegal in the US. Polyamorous families do exist as well, but they are not recognized in courts of laws as domestic unions.
Polygamy and Polygyny
Polygamy and Polygyny both refer to one person having more than one spouse. Polygamy refers to either a male or a female having multiple spouses. Polygyny refers to a male having multiply wives – the most common form. When all parties agree to this non monogamy, the marriages are examples of ethical non monogamy.
Polygamy and Polyandry
Both terms refer to marriages, but polyandry refers to women who have more than one husband.
Both polyamory and polygamy refer to the ability for both men and women to engage in other relationships. Where polygyny exists only for men, polyandry is for women who have more than one husband at a time
Open and Swinging relationships
These terms are type of polyamorous relationships, but they are different.
In an open relationship, a couple decides that each of them may have relationships outside of their marriage, and they set mutual ground rules for those connections. This is a form of ethical non monogamy because both agree, and both are aware that the other is involved with other partners. One of the common rules is that if one marriage partner finds themselves becoming emotionally or romantically attached to someone, they will end that connection.
Swinging is also an example of an ethical non monogamous situation. Couples engage in swapping partners. At the extreme, these may turn into types of play parties where multiple swappings occur.
Where Does the Polycule Fit Into All of This?
Let’s return to a basic definition. The term “poly” means “many.” “Cule” refers to a molecule. In basic chemistry, you learned that a molecule is made up of atoms in a certain configuration.
So, if we continue with the analogy here, the word polycule refers to a group of people, each of whom individually is an atom in the makeup of that molecule. And the connections among those atoms are what distinguishes a molecule from other molecules (other relationships).
Nothing New Here
Polycules have been around for centuries. They include at least three people or an unlimited number. The New York Times, in fact, once reported on a polycule of 20 people.
But polycules actually go back to Biblical times when groups of individuals formed communal living conditions involving a number of generations all living together. The same is true today, where multi-generational living occurs in the same household. As well, there are people who choose to live together for all sorts of purposes in real life:
- Retirees move in together for companionship and to share expenses
- Single moms may join forces, living together to share expenses and child-rearing responsibilities
- Culturally, intergenerational families live together. Asian cultures are an example of such polycules
All of these are what we would call platonic polycules, and they speak to various connections and purposes among the members. And it is important that these polycule structures have some basic “rules” and boundaries, or there can be messy ripple effects when one partner decides to stray from the basic purpose of the polycule.
Romantic and Intimate Polycules
These polycules are part of a world that has come to accept romantic and physical intimacy that take many different forms, and we can only imagine all of the forms they may take – the possibilities are endless.
But there are some common characteristics of such polycules:
- people have decided that non monogamous connections of some form are right for them
- they consist of a combination of relationships within the larger polycule, as members of the whole group agree upon
- Not everyone in the polycule will be romantically or physically intimate with all other members
- Polycules may begin when a married couple decide to open that marriage to at least one additional person. The marriage is considered the primary relationship, others are secondary. There may also be a primary relationship without it being a marriage.
- All polycules have platonic aspects, often referred to as kitchen table polycules. Responsibilities are shared and boundaries are clear. For example, household duties and child rearing are often shared.
- Not all person in a polycule becomes a nesting partner, someone who moves into a polycule household. Some maintain their own residences and join the larger polycule for community activities – meetings, dinners, game nights, etc. This helps to maintain the close relationship of all members.
Common Types of Polycules
While polycules come in all shapes and sizes (literally), there are a few that are most common.
The V
A single person is at the base of the V and is involved with two individuals who are each at the top points of the V. These two individuals are not romantically involved or physically intimate but are usually aware of one another. And these two individuals may be polyamorous people who have other associations too.
Sometimes a V can turn into a W if more people are added to this chosen family. Note the two bottom points of the W are two people who are not involved but share a connection with one of the people at a top point. As soon as there is a shared association, boundary setting should begin.
The Triad
Suppose the two people at the top of the V structure meet and develop a relationship. Now there are three people involved, often known as a “throuple.” This association may or may not be romantic. They could just be friends, both involved with the same person and totally OK with that.
But as now equal members of a polycule, if others are to be added to their little community, then all will have to agree. They polyamorous life of an ethical polycule demands it.
The Quad
So, as the term implies, there are now four people who identify as being in a four-person polycule. There may be a primary partner for one of them or not. Some of the relationships may be as friends, some as lovers. But above all, this is not a free love situation in which all parties may do as they please. there are rules and boundaries to which everyone agrees, and that includes adding more to the quad.
If some members have associations outside of the quad, it is their responsibility for sharing details to the entire group.
The Multiple Partner Polycule
OK. So, this polycule can begin to look like the image at the beginning of this article. There are complex romantic and physical relationships; there are two partners living together and connecting with others who are either living together or separately in their own abodes; there are multiple partners living together and sharing a kitchen-table polycule; there are friends who have a dating life outside of the polycule but are parents in common in real life; there is a husband in a primary situation with a wife but with a girlfriend who is part of the polycule; there are those who are dating outside of the polycule but who still identify as members and participate in all of the polycule activities.
If your head is reeling a bit, that’s ok. It’s tough to describe many of the polycules that exist today. And that’s OK. The only people who need to define and describe their polycules are those who are in them. In these combined partner polycules, it is the members who make the rules and set the boundaries. Each member has a role and a presence, and that’s all that matters. If they have started dating someone else within the polycule, for example, the role and presence of both members has changed, and there will have to be an open and honest discussion with possible new parameters.
Motivation for Joining a Polycule
Polyamory is a complex concept, and while the strict definition is “love of many,” there are different types of love. And there are just as many reasons for polycule formation and what people are looking for.
- Married couples may be looking for dating arrangements that include other married couples or individuals
- A boyfriend and girlfriend may choose to open up their relationship to dating others and even to bring nesting partners into their places of living
- Some people are looking for companionship, friendship, safety in a polycule that is fully platonic
- Some people are looking for other partners for romantic and/or physical intimacy because they believe that only one partner cannot meet all of their needs
- Some queer people who are experimenting with their gender identities or orientations may join polycules in order to experience associations or satisfy needs within a community of other accepting others, even though there may be a primary partner involved as well.
Why someone specifically joins or creates a polycule is not the important thing. In a society in which boys and girls begin dating in their teen years, fall in love, and enter monogamous marriages. it is refreshing to know that so many now accept that such “mergers” do not fit the needs and desires of many people on this planet.
Polyamorous structures allow people the freedom to make connections with others for like-minded relationships that they cannot get otherwise. Polycules open up those structures and associations.
Some Key Considerations for People in Polycules
In January 2024, the cover of New York Magazine featured a cover picture of 4 very different cats promoting an article within, “A Practical Guide for the Curious Couple.” The article was about polyamory, specifically a polycule and how, if not structured well, can be quite messy and not satisfy everyone’s needs and interests.
So, let’s have a look at some keys to keeping polycules from being “messy.”
Communication
If one word stands out for keeping the mess out of polycules, it is communication. Polyamory can take many forms, both ethical and non-ethical, but when the form is a polycule, it must be ethical. And to keep it ethical (another key word), communication must be open, honest, and regular. Everyone, whether they are in a dating relationship or not, must be clear about their interests and needs and what they are seeking through this arrangement.
And as more people may be added to the arrangement, the same conversations must happen again to confirm what each person’s role and associations will be related to the others.
Boundaries
Each member must be very clear in their own minds what their boundaries are and openly communicate them to everyone else. For example, a primary couple may decide that they do not wish to know any of the details of the encounters each of them may have with others in the membership. Maybe a few years later, this changes and one of them decides they do want those details. Everyone has the right to set their own parameters and red lines.
Time and Space for Everyone to Share Expectations and Boundaries
Polyamory in a polycule requires that every member feel comfortable that their life in this arrangement is meeting their goals and expectations. It’s all about balance, and, again, that word communication comes in. Regular meetings to discuss issues are a must. Think about it. Even in a two-person monogamous environment, issues arise, and conversation is required. Imagine, then, how much more this will be needed in an environment of ethical polyamory. There will be conflict, and it must be worked through.
Emotions Cannot Be Avoided
Suppose a member begins a new dating arrangement with other members; suppose two who are dating decide to call it quits; suppose a primary partner becomes jealous of a metamour (their partner’s partner); or suppose a member decides to become a nesting partner. All of these situations can bring up normal human emotions – stress, anxiety, jealousy, resentment, and possibly anger. All relationships are subject to negative emotional feelings. Working through them will be both an individual and a group process.
Regular Health Checkups
One of the conversations that must take place the very first time any non-monogamous arrangement occurs will be the requirement that everyone involved has a checkup and shared the results of that with all other members. Beyond that, everyone must agree on a schedule of checkups for STI’s, so that everyone is comfortable in their mutual relationships and feels medically safe.
Are You Ready?
Polyamory is becoming a much more common lifestyle today, especially the ethical variety. Non-ethical polyamory is really just cheating. If you believe you might want to identify as polyamorous and you are ready to explore relationships with other like-minded people in a polycule, proceed carefully.
Make sure you are ready to be with a group of people in an ethical non-monogamous environment.
First, explore polyamory in all of its facets. You might want to do so by accessing an online dating site and experience polyamory in a digital space first and then move into an IRL experience. In that IRL experience, gauge your comfort level as well as the emotions you experience.
Join chat rooms and forums with polyamorous others. Learn about the joys and challenges of such arrangements, especially polycules.
Once you feel you are ready, look to join an existing polycule or create your own. This article can serve as your guide to doing it right.
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