Double Texting: Should you Do it and Why Does it Happen?

Last Updated 18.03.2022
11 min read

Double texting, refers to that second text you sometimes send even after you haven't received an answer to the first one. While many people end up doing it, especially after a first date, it is not always the best choice for every situation.

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Knowing when to send that double text or when to send single texts is sometimes crucial to how the other person will view you. In order to help you out with that, here are some tips on when to double text and when it is better to wait it out.

Should You Send That Second Message?

One of the things that trouble most people when it comes to double texting is whether sending a second message is a good strategy or a positive sign at all. The answer here is not definitive and it depends on a few different things.

The first thing is how long you know the other person. Did you just go on a first date and they haven't gotten back to you after a while of texting them? Are they someone you have been talking to for a while but nothing romantic has happened between you yet? These are factors that will play in role in whether you should text them after a first message or not.

Relationship and dating expert Susan Winter, says that doing so at the start of a new relationship or after a first date can cause you to come off as desperate, clingy, or simply a little intense. Therefore, double texting your new date for no important reason should be avoided and is not a good sign for your new date.

In addition, licensed marriage and family therapist Tara Fields has the following to say about double texting in any relationship:

“Do I really need a response or do I want a response so that he or she can deescalate my anxiety?”

Therefore, make sure that the reason that you want to double text is related to the anxiety this situation creates for you. Trauma from past toxic relationships and other bad situations where you lacked the attention you should have received can be the sign that leads to you feeling like this.

While you should not feel guilty about how you react, looking at your own reasons can help you approach such subjects with more ease in the future. It can help you not take things out of context or get upset over one reply you did not receive or obsessively search for the reasons why.

Double Texting Etiquette: How Long to Wait Before Double Texting?

When it comes to texting someone back with a second message, there are a few different things to take into consideration. Texting someone too much and too frequently, especially without waiting for them to respond, it can come off as a sign that you are impatient, anxious, or even desperate.

Some of the things you should consider before sending that double text include the following:

  • How long has it been since you first texted them?

If it has been less than half an hour since you last texted them, it is probably a good idea to give them at least that much before you send that double text. If you have the patience, wait for a few hours. This will increase the chances of them replying and you won't come off as anxious.

  • Do you have an important reason to text them a second time?

Over-generalized text messages which include the same content can be very offputting. Unless you have made plans that you need to talk about or something important happened and you need the other person to get back to you, rethink that follow-up text first.

  • Have they seen the first message you sent?

There are a few different reasons why they might have seen that message you sent them and chose not to reply. The most common reason might be because they simply forgot to. No matter how silly this might sound, people with ADHD or simply forgetful people can make this mistake more times than you might expect.

  • Are they at work or somewhere important?

In addition, if they are at work, they might have seen your text but might not have had time to respond. If they are hanging with their friends, they might not have noticed that you texted them or have time to start a conversation. Expecting a response might be tough but they might simply not be able to talk to you at that moment.

  • Do they tend to always be on their phones?

If you know they are one of those people that are always on their phones, there is a chance they might be ignoring your text for some particular reason. The best thing you can do is wait it out. If it is something important, wait at least half an hour and send them that follow-up message.

What Should You Say in a Double Text?

If enough time has passed and you have decided that you can't keep being patient any longer, you should probably come up with what you wish to include in the double text you are about to send them. The very first thing you should do is give them any sign that you are upset through your message.

Play it cool and don't act weird or show them that their lack of reply bothered you. Keep in mind they might truly be busy and not responding because of other obligations. The follow-up text you will send next can include something related to the previous post such as an additional idea you came up with about something.

Psychotherapist and media advisor Jennifer Mann notes that there are also no wrong rules when it comes to double texting someone, despite the negative reputation it has gained.

“When it comes to if it’s OK to double text your crush, I would say, depending on the context and content, yes it is OK!”

Another good idea is to text them something lighthearted that can grab their interest or make them smile when they see it. This can include a fun meme, a funny video, a song you like, or an interesting article. Make it seem as if you just came across this online and thought you should share it with them.

Making it look as if you were not as bothered by this as possible is the best way to play it cool and not look annoying or needy. Make sure to use an emoji, and don't mention the fact that they didn't get back to you in the previous message. This can just make things weird between you, especially if you haven't been seeing each other for too long.

Whatever you decide to do, don't let it affect your self-esteem or your day. It is more important that you double text that person and kind of give in to it, instead of going down the rabbit hole of stressing over the possibility that double texts will cause you to lose that relationship.

What to Do Instead of Sending That Double Text

If your brain tells you that you need to send the person you're dating multiple texts and you can't seem to find a way to stop double texting, you probably need to find a way to distract yourself from doing so.

First and foremost, take it as a sign to stop sitting by the phone until they respond. Put your phone aside, take frequent phone breaks and leave it aside for some time. A great thing you can try that can help you from trying to go through your texts every 5 minutes is downloading an app such as Forest.

This awesome app makes you put your phone aside for a period of time that you can choose, and while you're not using it, it plants a virtual plant. When you plant enough plants and gather enough points, you can trade those for a real-life tree, which the app owners will plant IRL. So, not only can do stop double texting but you can also help the environment!

If that doesn't seem to work that well for your case, you can also try to keep yourself occupied with a hobby or even a tv show you like. For example, you can paint, listen to music, meditate or go for a nice relaxing walk, away from text messages and their recipient.

Make your day revolve around something more important than that one text. It is a bad thing when getting late replies can make you feel upset and ruin your day, so, do everything you can to break this cycle and not let it get to you that much.

What to Do If You Feel Like They are Ignoring You on Purpose

Sometimes, your hunch is right and the person you're wanting to hear back from could be avoiding texting you on purpose, even if you double texted them. They might still not get back to you and you should absolutely not throw the blame on yourself or think that because you double texted them it caused them to keep you at a distance.

If you see that it has been a few days after your first dating experience and they are not responding, it might be a good thing to assume they are no longer interested. However, this is not always the case, so don't take it as a definitive sign.

If they end up not replying and it has been quite a few days, you can reach out to them with a simple message asking them how they have been over the last few days, and try to start a small conversation. Working weeks can be hard and people can get caught up in obligations and completely forget to communicate, even with people they care about or are dating.

On the other hand, you can simply just ignore the recipient as well. Stop expecting them to reply and pretend like you never texted them at all. The more you lower your expectations, the easier it will be for you to ignore this.

If they do eventually get back to you with an explanation, then make sure you take some time to reply to them as well. Replying too quickly can make it look like you were waiting over the phone for them to get back to you. Make it seem like you didn't really care that this happened and play it cool.

Solving Communication Issues Outside of Texts

While texting one another can be great and it is not a big deal when a few texts are delayed every now and again, texting should not be your main form of staying in touch with someone. It is important to have a more serious conversation outside of texts and hear the other person's voice.

Even if this relationship is at a much earlier dating stage, you should still make calls a frequent thing between you and express to your new romance that this conversation style is something you prefer over text messages.

You can easily make a point and show your date you are interested this way and explain to them that since you both lead busy lives, you can call each other at the end of a long day and talk. At the same time, you don't sound desperate and there is no need to send a page-long text of how your day has been.

This is a great solution to expecting text messages from them when you know they might be busy and can help with building communication in your relationship. It can be a sign that turns a new page in your relationship and allow you to avoid double texting etiquette and the anxiety it can cause you.

Overcoming the Anxiety That Double Texting Can Cause is Hard

One of the most important things to take away from this post is that text messaging is not the best form of communication. While it might help you stay in contact with people you care about, it can also create problems in the communication between you.

For example, if someone didn't respond to your message quickly enough, you might take this the wrong way without them meaning for that to happen. Make sure to put more effort into your verbal communication and express your needs to everyone you care about.

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