Flirting is a complex thing regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Depending on the situation, flirting can be fun, sexy, flattering, uncomfortable, or downright gross. Most women have attempted flirting just to have it fall flat, and they've certainly experienced unwelcome attempts at flirting - mostly from the opposite gender.
When it comes to lesbian flirting, things can be even more difficult to navigate. For example, someone who is newly out and inexperienced might not feel comfortable flirting with girls. Also, how do you flirt with the same sex in straight-dominated spaces? It's one thing to flirt at your local lesbian watering hole, but how do you approach someone when you aren't sure if they are gay or bi?
All of this is enough to make you want to ditch flirting altogether and settle for a life of celibacy. But do you want your whole life to be one long, sexual dry spell? Of course not! So, don't count yourself out of the game. Instead, pour a cup of herbal tea, and check out these tips to get your flirt on. Think of this as a perfect walk-through for engaging with the same sex.
You don't have to spend time in strictly sapphic places to flirt with girls. Plenty of lesbians have made connections with other women when they decided to take a chance and engage in a bit of flirting. After all, the right person could be anywhere.
Still, you might feel more confident if your first experience with lesbian flirting is in a gay-friendly place. At least you would know your attempts to engage will be aimed in the right general direction.
There's nothing wrong with using lesbian clubs, queer-friendly bookstores, and other similar places to get a better sense of your flirting skills. And if you are new to all of this, these are great places to practice your skills until you feel comfortable moving into other spaces.
Indeed, you might run into a prospect at a party, the library, the Stop N Shop, taking a walk, or any other place where gays, straights, and anyone in between hangs out together. When that happens, remember that flirting is still okay.
And don't forget about online dating apps. This may be the perfect place to practice your skills if you are not ready for the "real thing" yet.
Here are a few things you should know about flirting with members of the same sex when you aren't sure of their orientation.
Every girl likes compliments. So, begin with that. After all, that is the first step in flirting, no matter what the gender doing the flirting. Compliment their outfits, their shoes, even their hair. It just makes a girl feel good about herself, and you are guaranteed to get a smile and a thank-you. When you do pay that compliment, be sure you make eye contact. You can read a lot in the eyes. As Shakespeare's Othello said, "Some kisses are given with the eyes." Be cheerful, smile, and use that first contact to begin a conversation. The conversation may be related to your environment. If you are in the library, you might ask, what is the girl doing there? Ask. This may be an opening to talk about her interests. If you are on public transportation, ask where she is going. If she is going home from work, where does she work and what does she do there? Asking questions turns that initial compliment into showing that you are interested.
While you are asking your questions, keep eye contact and watch her body language to gauge.
If she's interested in keeping the conversation going, tell her a bit about yourself too. But this is not the time for deep and heavy talk. Being a "Debbie Downer" by revealing your problems or challenges is a huge turn-off. And this is no time to tell your life story. Keep it light. Show your sense of humor, come off as a fun person with a joke or by recalling a funny experience (if it fits into the conversation), and keep smiling. If she keeps up the eye contact, and especially if that eye contact lingers a bit, you should be encouraged.
Should you go in for a kiss? As things progress, you may start to feel some intense attraction. Here's how to tell if the time is right to act on those instincts. First, do they keep finding reasons to touch your hand, sleeve, or hair? What about staring? If you look at them and they maintain eye contact, it may be time for a kiss.
And here is where some light touching might come into play. Any touching at this point should be minimal - a touch on the arm or shoulder as you make a point or respond to something she has said.
Remember, you are attracted to this girl, but you have no idea if the attraction is mutual. Finding out is the point of flirtation. Lots of heterosexual girls are turned off if boys come on too strong or move too fast. The same goes for many lesbians. They have to reach a good comfort level before they are ready for such things as going for a drink, a kiss, or a lesbian dating experience. By the end of your interaction, if it has lasted a good amount of time, you might say something like, "Gee, we seem to have a lot of the same interests. We should meet for lunch someday. Let's exchange numbers." If she has an interest, you'll get that number.
You should take your cues from her body language. Here are positive signs:
And here are the negative signs:
If all of the "signs" point to a girl who is not interested, then accept the rejection and move on. She may be straight or already in a relationship. Don't complicate things by wondering what went wrong or why you were rejected. If, on the other hand, things went well and you have that phone number, you are ready to move forward to the next level - a date for a drink, lunch, a party, or whatever.
Final note. Body language provides subtle clues. It isn't a substitute for real communication, and you aren't a body language expert. Podcaster Alan Maguire summed it up nicely on Twitter.
Finally an emoji for people who read one article about flirting and body language and made it their entire thing pic.twitter.com/xCiyyNw0cA— Alan (@alan_maguire) July 15, 2021
Flirting with girls you know are bisexual can be tricky. You may know they are bi but not what their primary preference is. And you will be competing with guys as well as other girls in your efforts. There are reasons why you may be uncomfortable beginning this:
Here are some tips, do's, and don'ts:
The bottom line is to be sensitive, but don't overthink these. Instead, relax and enjoy the flirtation.
The other side of this coin is that you may be bi-engaged in flirting with a full lesbian. So, what is really different? Nothing. Your techniques should remain the same:
And here are a few do's and don'ts:
This may be the easiest flirting of all. You are a lesbian interested in hooking up with other like-minded girls. Such flirting is far less tricky than it is with girls you are unsure of or who are bi. Here are some key things to keep in mind:
If you want to lower your risk of finding girls who are straight, then you must go to places where lesbians are. There are obvious places - gay bars, places recommended by a friend, concerts featuring gay musicians, and even local groups and organizations. If you are sports-minded, join a team. Do you like to laugh? There are plenty of gay comedy shows.
You can also flirt online. There are plenty of websites that feature hookups among lesbians, and you can even filter members by your geographical area. For some, maybe for you, online talking and getting to know one another may be more comfortable before actually meeting up in person.
Face it. You are often initially attracted to a girl by her appearance. And if you look smashing, then you are bound to get people to notice. You don't have to be who you are not, but you do have to look good for who you are. The goal? Be clean, neat, and groomed, whether in butch or feminine dress. Remember, it always helps to take a moment to freshen up at the club.
You are in a familiar environment. People are expected to flirt and hook up. You can go beyond just touching someone's hair. You can run your fingers through it. You don't need to stop at a timid touch on an arm or hand. You can hold a hand or put your arm around your target. You don't need to restrict compliments to only superficial trappings. You can compliment her figure, for example. In short, you can be far more open about your interests in a girl. And she will be far more open about her attraction or rejection.
You don't want someone pawing at you, trying to kiss you aggressively, or making explicit statements or suggestions when you have just met them. Remember this as you approach others. A girl you are interested in may be into talking and some fun interaction, but may also be in a relationship with someone else. She will show you this with her responses to your overtures. Accept those responses. If they are not what you are looking for, then move on. Everyone who flirts experiences rejection - don't take it too personally.
Do not be discouraged if your first attempts to flirt are epic fails. You'll get better with practice. And as you practice, your confidence will grow. The more confidence you build, the more easygoing your efforts will be. And you will be able to stay friendly and positive, no matter how an experience plays out. Rejection will not deter or defeat you.
Look to your friend group for a bit of mentorship. Most people know at least one person who can get people to notice them. Have them observe you at your favorite hangout, and ask for a few tips on getting your crush to notice you. Also, relax you aren't trying to land a girlfriend in most cases, just engaging in a bit of flirtation.
Lots of people (straight and gay) develop pick-up lines to start a flirt. The problem is they usually sound rehearsed and stilted, not natural. If you don't have a mutual friend to introduce you, then you're stuck with your natural words and body language to show you are interested. It's not that hard, really. You have to be yourself from the beginning because if things progress, your true personality is going to come out.
A simple introduction may work. Make that eye contact and see if it is returned. If so, get closer and introduce yourself. She'll do the same. From there, let things flow naturally. Ask those questions and get her talking about herself. Showing you are interested in her as a person rather than just a pick-up will take you farther. Once she's responding well, you are ready for that simple physical contact. If the girl responds well to these overtures, you can probably wade in further.
Using humor is always refreshing. And it will test the waters well. Here's a great example from Julie James:
I don't mind hot and spicy. Actually find that appealing in a girl. And chicken wings.
If you get a genuine laugh, things are going well.
Once the overtures are over and the girl has shown an obvious interest, it's time to set up some one-on-one time. This can be done in several ways. Here are a few examples:
How you set up this next meetup depends on what you now know about her. Be a bit creative. Do you both have dogs? How about a date to her favorite dog park? Is she into art? Ask her to take you to her favorite museum or gallery so that she can teach you something.
Where do you want this hookup to go? Are you looking for a short-term fling or are you looking for something more long-term? Maybe you just want someone to notice you after a dry spell. You must honestly assess this for yourself and then honestly communicate your intentions to the girl you have just begun a hook-up with.
Short-term fun is fine as long as you both understand that this is the goal and that there is no commitment beyond that. You don't want to mess with someone's emotions if you are only into one-nighters or brief relationships without commitment.
If you want something more, though, then you must communicate this to the girl. Just don't do it too soon. Saying that you are looking for a partner on the first date is cringe. She may not want the same thing. The point is you must make certain that you are both on the same page and that she's where you are.
You do not know where this hook-up may go. Even if you only want a short-term fling and not a girlfriend, your best bet is to be genuine. Never pretend to be someone you are not. Are you still in the closet with certain groups in your world - family, co-workers, or friends? Are you not sure of your sexual preferences and are only experimenting? Say so. Are you someone who just wants a one-night stand? Say so. The girl you are currently going after may not want to be part of your experimentation.
if you are true to who you are, you will sleep better at night.
Queer flirting may be easier if a bit of alcohol has loosened you up. Things can get really sloppy with too much alcohol and could take you places you never intended to go. It can be a huge turnoff to a girl you are interested in. It can make you come on too strong and ruin what could have been a great start. It can also lead to a one-night stand that you will regret in the morning.
When it comes to drinking, don't forget to get a good sense of the other person's limits. If they are an avowed party girl, you may be able to indulge just a bit more. Still, it's never a sexy look to be throwing up behind the club.
We all have unique personalities. Are you more of an introvert or extrovert for example? If that's the case, you will make your moves more slowly and less aggressively. As an extrovert, you will probably be more aggressive. You can use a statement like Gary Allan's,
Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.
These traits will also mean that you respond differently. If someone is coming on too strong for you, back off and move on. Likewise, if a girl seems too timid for your liking, don't try to change who you are for her. It won't end well.
There are probably many more tips for good flirting that will get you what you want in the end. But these are a good start. Now go back and re-read them - let them sink in and compare them with what you have been doing. You just may be able to "up your game."
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