Unfortunately, sometimes it happens at the wrong moment - when we are already married or in a relationship. So what should we do when affairs turn to love? Here are a few tips on how to avoid affair drama and make the right decision.
4 Types of Affairs
Before we start talking about the ways you can deal with your personal life situation, let's define the term "affair". Most people believe that an affair is just a sexual relationship. But it's much more than that. People cheat in various ways:
Sexual addiction. Some people see the satisfaction of their sexual needs as the first priority. Whether they are happily married or not, they want sex outside the marriage.
Love addiction. While some people love only one person all their life, others are jumping from one partner to another seeking a "true love". In most cases, such "love" never lasts more than a few years.
Wanting to have it all: the marriage and the affair. Some people choose to live a betrayer's lifestyle. They don't want to choose one man to stay with. They keep lying to their spouses and giving promises to their affair partners for years until one of them decides to end the relationship.
Emotional affair. Basically, you don't have to have a physical affair to be a cheater. If you are emotionally attached to someone more than your spouse, it counts as a betrayal.
Depending on the type of affair you are currently living in, you may decide to end a relationship with your spouse or partner.
Is It Love?
In most cases, people involved in some kind of romantic affair struggle to understand whether they feel true love, passion, or something else. They can't label their feelings adequately. And that's one of the main reasons why people make a huge mistake by choosing the wrong person to stay with.
Kay, a Twitter user, shares her thoughts about the irrationality of the cheater's actions.
Why cheat on someone you don't wanna lose..With someone you don't wanna keep? pic.twitter.com/LcEGHnbg3o
— Kay (@RSA_Kay_) March 30, 2018
When you start a new relationship, you feel excited about being next to your affair partner. Your dopamine levels go up, and you can hardly control your actions.
At this point, you can't think rationally. You can't understand whether it will be a long-term affair that will turn into something big, or these relationships will end as unexpectedly as they emerge.
Do you want to analyze the situation and find out whether your affair partner is the true love of your life? Here are four signs that your current love affair will likely turn into long-term relationships.
You Think About Them All the Time
When you fall in love, you can't get that special person out of your mind. You think about your new lover all the time. You think about what they do right now, how they feel, whom they spend time with.
You can't focus on your work, you can't eat, you can't sleep. Your mind is occupied with thoughts about the upcoming romantic date. Likely, your co-workers and your spouse have already noticed that you are daydreaming instead of doing your job.
You Want to Call and Text Them
When affairs start, people get addicted to their phones. They check notifications, again and again, to see whether their affair partner has texted them back. They make calls just to ask silly questions like "What are you doing?", "What are you eating?", and "What are you wearing?".
Do you call your husband once a day and call your boyfriend five times a day? It's obvious that you are emotionally attached to your boyfriend. It's time to face the truth and accept your strong feelings.
You Get Jealous
Do you feel jealous when you see your affair partner talking to another woman or man? Do you go mad if someone sends your lover a gift? Jealousy is a sign that you are falling in love. When the importance of emotional connection outgrows the importance of sex, the relationship gets to the next level.
Here is what columnist Linda writes about jealousy in an emotional affair:
"I just can’t believe how twisted the thought process – or lack of – is when you are involved in an affair. To think that it is OK to be upset when a man speaks nicely about his wife of twenty-five years or spends time with his family."
You Need Something More Than a Lust Affair
If sex with a new person feels better than sex with your husband, it's just half of the story. You may have mind-blowing sex with your young boyfriend without being in love. The main question is: would you be interested in your partner if sex was excluded from your relationships.
Imagine you are in the hospital. Do you want your affair partner to be around you? Do you need his support? If you need him more than your husband, it's time to file a divorce and start building a new healthy relationship.
You Do Our Best to Look Attractive
Are you having an affair with a married man? Let me guess... You are doing your best to look more beautiful than his wife. Have you bought a new sexy dress and erotic underwear? Have you painted your nails and changed your hairstyle?
You have done it for a reason. You truly care about this man. You want to grab his attention and make him fall in love with you.
If you have already changed your appearance, the chances are that your husband has noticed that you look differently. Be ready that he will ask you many questions before you go on your next "business trip" or whatever you call your affair.
Reasons to End an Affair
Do you wonder whether it's time for you to quit your extramarital affair? Here are two main reasons to stop playing the "always a cheater" role right now.
You Have No Emotional Connection With Your Lover
Well, if you have slept with someone else a couple of times, it doesn't mean that you have to end your marriage. Accept your mistake, cut ties with your lover, and become a perfect wife again.
About half of married individuals make such a mistake. So if you've failed only once, you shouldn't think about divorce. No matter how guilty you feel now, you should go on with this situation. Put some extra effort into saving your long-term relationships, and you will never regret it later.
Fiona Caine, a columnist and trained counselor, encourages betrayers to hide their one-time infidelity to save the trust.
“You can, however, learn to forgive yourself, if you work at your marriage and put right what went wrong between you and your husband. Build trust, respect, and indeed love between you once more, and learn to live with the guilt of this secret for the sake of your husband and family.”
You are Not Ready to Say "No" to Your Current Living
Let's say you have started talking to a charming woman on a lesbian dating app one month ago. Now you are seeing each other once in a while. Your raising dopamine levels makes you go crazy over her. But will it last long? Are these good feelings worth sacrificing your life for?
Just think of all the pain you will experience and all the money you will lose if you go through a divorce. If you have kids, you will likely have conflicts with your spouse over custody. Are you ready to trade off all you have now for a short-lived affair with other woman?
TIP: You should count all the risks and consequences and make the right decision. If your affairs are unlikely to survive in the long run, you should end them as soon as possible.
You Feel Drained Because of Long-Term Affairs
In very rare cases, love affairs last for a few decades. And the truth is that such relationships never have a happy ending. If your current affair lasts for a few years now, you likely feel exhausted. It's time to say "goodbye" to your lover, and finally, breeze freely.
Tip: You should be aware that infidelity has a negative impact on your physical well-being. Once you end all your love affairs, you will experience less stress and eventually improve your mental health.
Reasons to Leave Your Spouse and Stay With Your Affair Partner
If your married life looks nothing like the one you were dreaming about, that's a sign that you should leave your current partner and start a new chapter of your love relationship. Here are five reasons why you may have extramarital affairs.
You've Had Problems in Your Marriage Before You Get Into an Affair
When has your affair started? Have there been any problems in your marriage before you met your new partner? If you were unhappy with your husband, it's not a big surprise that you opted for having affairs.
Not all married couples are happy in reality. If you feel better with another person, there is no sense in spending extra energy maintaining a balance between marriage and an extramarital affair. It's time for you to have an honest talk with your spouse and finally let your long-term relationships end.
Tip: If you have an abusive spouse, don't hesitate to leave him. Find your happiness in your new affairs.
You Don't Have Any Sexual Relationship With Your Spouse
Probably, you were in love with your spouse at first, but now you see him more like a good friend. There is no passion in your relationship, and you feel bored.
Are you ready to live the rest of your life without having sex within marriage? Is it okay for you to be involved in romantic affairs while living in one house with your husband?
If your answer is "no", you should initiate the divorce. You should stop wasting your own time on being with someone who can't make you happy.
You No Longer Imagine Your Future With Your Spouse
Many couples live happily for a few years but suddenly realize that they are moving in the opposite direction and wish to have different lives. For instance, a wife may dream about building a career and moving to a foreign country, while her husband may want her to be a stay-at-home mom.
If you've reached the point where you can longer imagine your future with your partner, you have already had an answer to your main question. Even if there is still a feeling between you and your partner, you should end this relationship.
You don't want to become one of those married people who hate each other, don't you? You should divorce now before things get worse.
How to Prevent an Affair From Happening?
Find a Root of the Problem
Do you feel guilty, but can't stop yourself from getting into new affairs? You should define the reasons why you behave this way and fix the existing problem. Let's take a look at statistics of why people cheat on their partners.
Top reasons why women have affairs:
Lack of emotional intimacy (84%),
Lack of communication between spouses (75%)
Tiredness (32%),
Bad history with abuse (26%)
Alack of interest in sex with the current partner (23%)
Top reasons why men have affairs
Lack of communication between spouses (68%)
Stress (63%),
Sexual dysfunction with one’s current partner (44%)
Lack of emotional intimacy (38%)
Tiredness (31%).
Let's say you have an emotional affair because of a lack of communication with your spouse. If you talk to your husband and fix the communication problem, you will have no reasons to have a new relationship with other men in the future. Of course, it will take you some time and effort, but the result will be worth it.
Don't Hurt Them
When victims of the affair find out what has happened, their hearts get broken. And it takes them a long time to heal their souls. If you ask a victim about the betrayal that took place more than one year ago, she will likely tell you that bad memories still hurt her.
Spicebae, a female writer, expresses her betrayal trauma in her book.
cheating is unforgivable in my book, but that's just me. i don't want you anymore, i'm never going to look at you the same, i'll never be able to trust you again, my guard is always going to be up & i'm gone make you pay for it every single day and that's not a sane way to live.
— spicebae (@spicebae_) October 10, 2021
Before you make love outside your marriage, think about your husband and his feelings. Remember that even only-time cheating may hurt him and affect his trust to various degrees.
TIP: The family affair is a big no-no. If you have it once, you will hurt not only your partner but all your family, including in-laws.
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