Taimi
You start a new relationship and things are amazing. Not just normal, amazing, but oh-my-god-is-the-one-for-me??? amazing! Your new partner clearly can't get enough of you. They compliment you, give you gifts, and load you up with positive affirmations. In short, they make you feel amazing every time you are with them. Unfortunately, what you don't realize is that you're being love bombed.
The fact that love bombing is going on is already a red flag, but what comes next makes everything worse. Suddenly, after making you feel like you have found your soulmate, they drop you like you never mattered in the first place. This is love bombing then ghosting, and it's more common than you think.
Love bombing is what happens at the early stage of the relationship. If the phrase love bombing sounds contradictory, there's a reason for that. It's something positive, love, that is delivered with malicious intent. Also, the intensity of love bombing often creates a rapid-fire experience that can be overwhelming. The result is that you don't see the love bomber's true intentions. Here is what love bombing looks like.
When you're being love bombed you will receive gifts and lots of them. These presents will be generous, extravagant, and thoughtful. You'll wonder how they know you so well so soon in order to be able to choose the ideal gifts for you.
In the earliest stages of being love bombed, they will pay constant attention to you. Expect texts at all times of the day, last-minute dates, and impromptu visits. Normally, this would feel creepy and possessive. But, somehow love bombers find a way to make this seem charming and attentive. They are just so smitten with you that they can't resist spending as much time with you as they can.
They are seemingly amazed at everything you say and do. The love bombing stage is marked by compliments, praise, and affirmation. If you have low self-esteem, you won't for long, at least during the love bombing stage. It feels as if you do and say everything right when the love bomber is around.
Love bombing is being treated well, but with malicious intent. The love bomber wants you to lower your guard and feel safe enough around them to trust them. Unfortunately, once you do that they are going to stop love-bombing you, and move on to the next phase of their emotional manipulation.
This is love bombing then ghosting, and the second part will come abruptly. After you've been love bombed for a while, your new love will suddenly drop out of your life without notice. They won't return your texts or calls. They may even drop you on social media. Of course, this will send you reeling. That's the point of being love bombed. You become vulnerable and attracted, and then the love bomber just decides that they are done with you.
Imagine feeling loved and understood. You start having feelings for the other person. You've never felt so amazing during the early stages of a relationship. If you have past trauma, this may even feel like the first healthy relationship you have had. You miss all of the red flags.
Then, everything is yanked away abruptly. Worse, you get no meaningful explanation. So, you're left reeling wondering if you did something wrong. The traumatizing experience can fill you with doubt, mistrust, and issues with your own self-esteem.
Sometimes, the person love bombing you will do it once, and then move on to spread their dysfunction to the rest of the dating world. Unfortunately, the love bomber's intentions aren't always that simple. Instead, they may return for multiple rounds of love bombing.
This cycle of love bombing can be absolutely devastating and confusing. Your love bomber will drift in and out of your life. They will swoop in and make you feel like you never have before only to drop out of your life for weeks, even months. When you ask them why, they will deflect, offer lame excuses, or simply use your suspicions as their reason to ghost you again.
Once you've been love bombed, you want to know why. The truth is that it's so hard to pinpoint what motivates any particular love bomber. Worse, most of them don't care or are incapable of doing any sort of self-examination or analysis of their past relationships to figure out why. We do have some common reasons for love bombing despite this.
Let's be clear. It's not cool to diagnose people. That's something professionals do. So, we aren't going to throw around phrases like narcissistic personality disorder. That said, we can say that many love bombers do derive pleasure out of manipulating people and gaining their affection. For some, it's about control. For others, it's an ego boost. Unfortunately, you become the "supply" of whatever that love bomber wants or needs.
The only thing you need to know about this kind of love bomber is that you can't fix them. This is extremely important because they will leave you thinking that they might come back and stick around if you are just a bit more desirable or work a bit harder to please them. In reality, it will never be good enough. They simply enjoy watching you struggle to be the right person for them. Don't fall victim to their manipulation.
Sometimes, love bombing and ghosting happen when the other person develops deep feelings quickly along with unrealistic expectations. Then, reality hits. They realize you are a normal, flawed human being and not the perfect person they dreamed of.
Instead of dealing with whatever issue they have directly, they focus on the fact that their fantasy has been broken. Then, in order to avoid conflict, they simply ghost you.
These love bombers will continue this cycle with other people until they fix themselves. The only solace you can enjoy is that none of this is about you. Their love bombing is about their inability to engage in a real relationship and not a fantasy.
Love bombing and ghosting is also a very clear sign that the other person is highly fearful of commitment. At first, they think things are going just as wonderful as you do. Then, they remember that all of this good stuff could lead to a committed relationship and poof.
If you have been love bombed then ghosted, there may have been a specific reason for that. Some people love bomb with a very material goal in mind. Here are just a few reasons behind love bombing for a purpose:
To make an ex jealous that they have a new potential partner
They want access to your money or credit
To gain a place to stay temporarily
To gain an expensive gift or vacation
If someone presses the notion of love at first sight, keep an eye on your wallet.
One thing is true whether the issue is malice, immaturity, unrealistic expectations, or something else. You have to step away from the situation. Even better, you can learn to recognize love bombing and get out before it happens.
The tricky thing about love bombing is that it just looks like a good start to a relationship. However, if you pay close attention during the first few weeks of a relationship you will see obvious signs that this person may be trying to toy with your self-worth. Most love bombers will drop at least one red flag to warn you that they are definitely not your soul mate.
Here are some of those warning signs that you may be on your way to being love bombed then ghosted:
When you are in the midst of being love bombed, you feel amazing. Everything you do or say is met with approval. Each "love bomb" is like a rush of dopamine. You may even find that you are craving attention and approval before the third date is even planned. But, that's the point of love bombs. They are intended to get you focused on that one person as your source of affection and approval. All of those calls, notes, and text messages are for that purpose.
Before you get roped in, ask yourself if this is really how genuine people operate. Is this how a realistic, adult relationship works? No disagreements, even joking debates - just fawning support and agreement over everything you say and do? Does that seem realistic or healthy? Yes, everybody is on their best behavior in new relationships, but a normal partner isn't 100% in love with everything you say or do.
You may not see it, but at least one of your friends will. They'll have that gut feeling that there is narcissistic behavior behind each love bomb. Let's be honest, you may miss things that are going to be obvious signs to a pal who truly has your best interests at heart. So, don't feel betrayed when a friend isn't happy for you. Instead, listen to this person and know that your friends are going to try to protect you from being hurt by a person you don't know that well.
Here's another good sign that something is wrong. If your new love wants you to spend time with them instead of your friends, be wary. At the very least that's the sign of an emotionally immature person. It could also be a ploy for control of your time and attention.
Every endorphin-boosting love bomb comes with a subtle expectation. They want your time, your loyalty, your agreement, and for you to lower your boundaries. If you haven't even been dating for a few months, and they want full couple status, maybe you should be careful.
You've probably heard that a rich person doesn't need to talk about their wealth, a tough person doesn't need to brag about their strength, and a smart person doesn't need to weaponize their intelligence. Well, a good person doesn't have to remind you and others of how nice they are. Why? Because such people are manipulative and creepy. They keep you focused on their niceness so that you don't notice the psychological games they are playing.
It's okay to establish boundaries for yourself in new relationships that are set in stone. They don't have to be moved and changed because you happen to be dating someone who just seems to be a great person. Instead, keep those boundaries in place during the early phases of a relationship.
If the other person respects those boundaries, then they're a keeper. If they press against them, be wary. They may from their disrespect of your boundaries as love and desire for a deeper relationship, but it's still disrespectful.
Eventually, they throw their last love bomb. Then, they disappear. Some will just vaporize without another word. Others will coldly dismiss you or start a petty argument to justify their hasty exit. The methods change but the end result does not. You've been love bombed then ghosted.
It's understandable that you feel horrible and as if your life has been upended.
It isn't going to help you move on if you keep trying to figure out why you were love bombed then ghosted. It isn't your job to figure out what causes your ex love bomber to act the way you do. So, stop worrying about why people love bomb. Instead, focus on yourself, your needs, and your feelings.
They suddenly stopped texting you. Now, your job is to oblige them. Don't message demanding an explanation or begging for a second chance. Even if they start communicating again, their inevitable rejection will give you such a case of regret.
This is a time for self-love and healing. Not a time to fix other people or even figure them out. Protect your feelings and go no contact.
Ideally, there are multiple people who can help you move on with your life. Your close pals and family members can be a great source of support during all of this. Just be sure to pick the people in your life who won't be judgmental. You need someone who understands that people fall for this kind of thing all of the time, not someone who will judge your life choices.
It can be difficult to get over an ex-partner doing this kind of damage, especially if you thought you were the perfect match. Here is where a therapist can help. They can offer you a few steps to follow to process being deceived, and to better prepare yourself for long-term relationships in the future.
When you are ready, your next first date is just around the corner. It may seem like the furthest thing from your mind right now, but sometimes the best way to get over it is to move forward. Try installing a dating app that will help you find a compatible match with someone who is capable of carrying on a functional relationship.
If you've dealt with this issue, don't blame yourself. There's just no foolproof way of avoiding a love bomber. So, if you have one takeaway from all of this, remember that it's them not you. Then, move on and enjoy a healthy, normal dating life.
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