Heteronormativity along with its close cousins Euro-centrism and Colonization have long dominated social norms around romance, sex, and marriage. Social norms around these things were created to maintain systems of power that serve some and oppress others.
From a young age, most of us are told who we are expected to have relationships with and how those relationships should be structured. There’s just one problem with that. Queer folks have already rejected the notion that they must sacrifice happiness and fulfillment to meet these expectations.
That leads to a question. If members of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community are shrugging off the chains of comp-het, what about compulsory monogamy? To find out, Taimi surveyed nearly 800 people aged 18 to 35 of various genders who identify as gay, lesbian, or queer. Here’s what they had to say about this.
What is Polyamory?
Polyamory, sometimes called ethical non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy (ENM or CNM) is an umbrella term that refers to romantic or sexual unions between more than two people. There are various subcategories of polyamory, which include relationship anarchy, polyfidelity, open relationships, parallel polyamory, etc.
While this research did not dive into the different types of polygamy, the merits of those, or potential problems, there is significant discourse about that available online. Instead, the Taimi research team focused on a wider view of polyamory meeting the following criteria:
- Involving consenting partners
- Where at least one of the participants is 2SLGBTQIA+
Are Polyamorous People 2SLGBTQIA+
Some polyamorous people do identify as queer, even if they only engage in heterosexual relationships. This is often based on the notion that polyamory is a rejection of and resistance against heteronormative relationship standards. Other polyamorous people do not identify as 2SLGBTQIA+ if they only engage in heterosexual relationships. Whether in poly relationships or not, respondents here all identified as members of the LGBTQIA+ community.
How Many Queer Folks Identify as Poly?
Study participants were asked, “Do you identify with or have you ever considered exploring a polyamorous relationship?”
Almost 18% said they currently identify as polyamorous, and another 22.7% are open to exploring the idea. While slightly more than 40% were solidly monogamous, another 15.7% were unsure. Finally around 3% gave a more nuanced answer that could not be conveniently categorized. When the figures are added up, at least as many individuals are poly or open to it as those who prefer monogamy.
How does this compare to the population as a whole? According to the Kinsey Institute, research conducted on a wider demographic showed around 10% had participated in some form of CNM while just less than 17% would consider it.
Feelings on Polyamorous Relationships in The Queer Community
Nearly 50% of Taimi’s study participants affirmed that they see polyamory as a valid relationship choice. 35.4% are neutral indicating they have either not thought about the issue much or are accepting without having strong opinions. Around 15% are tolerant of it, but not personally approving. Finally, 8.6% answered that they did not know what polyamory was. There were another 2.9% of people who answered other suggesting they had views that weren’t covered by the available responses.
Does Polyamory Challenge Existing Relationship Norms
Although, there are some nuanced views on it, our data shows that most people in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community are at least tolerant of polyamory and many support it openly. But, do queer folks see polyamory as a form of resistance against social norms around relationships? Researches asked, “Do you think polyamory challenges or complements traditional relationship norms?”
Nearly a quarter of respondents believe that polyamory does challenge traditional norms. 13.2% stated that expands on or complements these norms. Nearly 40% see polyamory as an extension of standard relationships or a variation that doesn’t necessarily challenge or complement them. Another 20% were unsure of how or if polyamory impacted social norms around relationships. Just under 3% selected other.
The answer chosen by nearly 25% of participants, also tracks with answers to the question, “What do you think motivates people to explore polyamorous relationships?” Nearly an identical number of participants answered that they viewed polyamory as a rejection of societal norms around monogamy. This could indicate that CNM is viewed as a sort of resistance.
It is notable that 32.6% answered that they believed polyamory is often motivated by a desire to form stronger support networks and social connections. This might indicate that many recognize that practical and emotional needs are not being met by traditional monogamy.
Additional Questions to Explore
Taimi’s research offers up some interesting insights from a broad sampling of queer individuals. The responses seem to indicate that a significant number see polyamory as a challenge to social norms that are the result of colonialism, heteronormativity, and Euro-centrism. The responses also indicate that increased adoption of CNM is proof that traditional monogamy is no longer viewed as an adequate or the only valid relationship structure.
Before a conclusion is drawn, there are some other questions to explore.
What Other Demographic Groups Are Most Likely to Participate in or Have Positive Views of Polyamory?
According to Psychology Today, men and 2SLGBTQIA+ individuals are most likely to be currently in a polyamorous relationship or to have participated in one at some point. While it is unsurprising that queer individuals are more likely than straight people to reject social norms around relationships, the fact that men are more often participating in polyamory is remarkable. Some follow up questions to explore include:
- How does this intersect with queer demographics? Are gay men more likely to be polyamorous than other 2SLGBTQIA+ populations?
- Does male privilege exist, even in the queer community that gives men more freedom to be polyamorous?
- If significantly more straight men are polyamorus than straight women, are heterosexual men using polyamory as a way to explore same sex attractions?
Finally, does this mean that men are more likely to benefit from monogamy, but also more empowered to reject it when it no longer serves them?
Are Racial or Ethnic Minorities More or Less Likely to be Polyamorous
According to an Open Psychometrics report, Black and Hispanic people wre slightly more likely to be polyamorous, to have been in CNM relationships in the past, or willing to consider it when compared to white or Asian people. In fact, without considering other factors such as religion, socio-economic status, Black people were most likely to be polyamorous or open to it. The report did not address polyamory among indigenous people.
The fact that minority groups may be slightly more accepting of polyamory may lend some credibility to the notion of polyamory being a way to reject or resist monogamy as a social norm – particularly when those involved can trace their ancestry to those who had those norms forced on them via colonization.
We know that historically, many indigenous cultures were polyamorous. We also know that monogamy and other social norms were often forced on these communities using violence. Many indigenous groups also embraced an understanding and approach to gender and sexuality that not only defied what colonizers imposed, but also did not fit into LGBTQIA+ frameworks as we understand them today.
Insights And Conclusions
More people are open to polyamory as a valid choice than ever before. This includes individuals who are currently practicing, poly-curious, or simply accepting of others who choose to structure their relationships differently. While this trend is true across many demographic groups, 2SLGBTQIA+ as well as ethnic and racial minorities seem to be leading the charge.
At the same time, people who do not embrace or accept the imposition of heteronormativity face more challenges than ever. There are active, powerful, and well-funded cultural and political efforts to marginalize and disenfranchise those who are not straight, monogamous, and open to bearing children. Engagement, activism, and education are more important than ever.
While Taimi may not be a political platform it is dedicated to supporting all members of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, including those who are interested in or participating in CNM relationships. Steps Taimi has taken are:
- Expanding relationship options within the Taimi app to accommodate polyamorous users
- Partnering with various organizations to promote advocacy, education, and support
- Fostering a company environment that embraces diversity equity and inclusion
- Offering educational and community resources including a wiki with information on a range of sexualities, genders, and relationship types
The acceptance and normalization of polyamory is inevitable, and will lead to healthier views and understandings of relationship dynamics overall.
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