Dating a Bisexual Woman - Know Before You Go

Last Updated 31.03.2022
11 min read
Taimi

Who dates bisexual women? The answer, of course, is all types of people - hetero males, straight women experimenting with their sexual orientation, other bisexuals (male and female), and even trans - just about anyone on the sexual orientation spectrum.

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So, what if you are thinking about dating a bisexual woman, either casually or in looking for a long-term relationship? If this is your first experience with a bi woman, then there are things you need to know before you make your move. This article is for you.

Make No Assumptions

There are a lot of myths and misconceptions about bi's, and you should get these busted in your own mind before you date a bisexual girl.

Bi's Never Have a Monogamous Relationship

While a bisexual female is certainly attracted to more than one gender, she can fall in love with one person - a straight man, another bisexual, a lesbian, or any other member of the LGBTQ community. Will that monogamous relationship last forever? Maybe, maybe not. Straight couples get divorced, and so LGBTQ couples do too. They may find other partners in the same way that heteros do.

Bisexuality is Just a Phase

A straight girl may have been conditioned to be solely straight because she was raised in a heterosexual society and was conditioned only to date boys and to marry one of them - no big deal. But at some point, she discovers she's attracted to other women. If she tells others, some may insist that it is just a phase people often go through, and it will pass. Others will accuse her of just needing an excuse to engage in indiscriminate and casual sex with anyone, maybe just for experimentation and risk-taking.

Being attracted to both sexes is not a part of any of these things. It is quite genuine. So, if you plan to date and to develop a monogamous partnership with someone who has bisexual preferences, accept that this may or may not happen.

Bisexuality is a Steppingstone to Lesbianism

It may be for some women - they realize that they are lesbians but need to "announce" this gradually. And so, they claim to be bi at first, because it seems less drastic. But for most women who identify as bi, it is their endpoint. It's where they want and intend to be sexually.

All Women are Unconsciously Bisexual

False. This comes from a theory that all women are sexually fluid but not all act upon that fluidity. In fact, many women go through life without having even remote sexual attraction to other women, even though they have very close relationships with them.

At the same time, some women know they are lesbians very early on in their lives, remain so all of their lives, and never experience any type of attraction to men or other members of the LGBTQ community.

All Bisexual Women Want Threesomes

OMG. This is so not true. Lots of people like threesomes, even a straight woman, and whatever works for anyone is fine. And, yes, some bi females like them too. But this is terrible stereotyping, especially for those bis who are in monogamous partnerships and would never consider them. A bisexual female who moves between men and women certainly does not necessarily want both at the same time.

A Bisexual Person Wants Both Sexes Equally

Equal time is something people try to give to their children. Bisexuality is not a 50/50 deal. There are all sorts of percentages of attraction and action, and these can change all the time. Percentages don't matter. If a woman has a bisexual identity that is genuine, she gets to decide the amount she spends with other women and with men. No one may label her based upon her sexual activities.

Bisexual Females are Promiscuous

This is the worst myth of all because it marginalizes bi females. They are no more promiscuous than members of the LGBTQ or straight communities. Causes for promiscuity are many and do not directly relate to being bisexual. So, dump that notion immediately.

Now, that we have dispelled these myths, it's time to look at the "rules" for dating a bisexual woman.

Dating a Bisexual Woman - The "Rules"

Once you make the decision to approach a bisexual woman for a dating scene, make sure you understand what will make that scene successful. Keep these things in mind:

If She Says She's Bisexual, She Is

Bisexual females who open about their sexual preferences are being genuine. They may be willing to enter into a sexual encounter with you, but you need to understand that there are no promises of a monogamous partnership. You need to be mentally prepared for the choice she may make to engage in sex with someone else while still having sex with you. These are her decisions and choices to make.

You Need to Support Her Identity While Others May Not

Here's the thing: When a bi female dates a male, people assume she is hetero. When she dates another woman, they assume she is a lesbian. They don't see her as bi. This is known as "bi identity erasure," and it is frustrating for a bisexual woman not to be recognized for what she is. If you are dating a bisexual woman, then you must validate her sexual identity with your support and encourage her to participate in support groups with other bi's. This will be important for her own emotional health and a healthier connection with you. Don't ignore her need for this - her identity is a basic part of who she is.

Don't Go in Thinking You can Change Her

We all know about the efforts of straight society to have "interventions" to change LGBTQ kids into heteros. There are even "camps" where some abhorrent activities go on, and many of them have even been prosecuted for child abuse. In the end, these interventions are failures - they cause emotional distress and illness for the victims with long-lasting effects.

Of course, you are not going to attempt any of these interventions. But, at the same time, you may believe that you change a bisexual into a straight woman by just showing her great experiences in the bedroom and constant attention and affection. Don't delude yourself. A woman who genuinely identifies as bisexual will not change because of your behaviors and your hopes. Bi people are who they are, period. If you are not prepared to accept her as she is, you need to move on.

She May or May Not Cheat on You

Have you ever been in a situation where a partner cheats on you? Many have, in both the hetero and LGBTQ worlds, and they understand the emotions that well up when this happens. Here's what you need to know and accept when dating a bisexual woman, whether you are female or male. She is bisexual, and that means exactly what it means. She is attracted to both sexes and may decide to go outside of your partnership. Or she may not. Do not anticipate either scenario. Have discussions about this and be clear about where you stand on this issue. And be prepared for the possibility that she may "cheat," even as she has been honest with you. Can you handle it if she strays? If not, get out now and save yourself the pain. If you can handle it, then go forward.

 Don't Assume She is Oversexed

A lot of people have the stupid assumption that bisexual women are just "greedy" for sex. Are some sex crazed? Of course, they are. Are other LGBTQ+ members oversexed? Of course. Are some straights oversexed? Yes, they are. Bi females are individuals and their need/desire for sex differs all along the spectrum. If you are dating a bisexual woman, then, at some point, you two will need to have a discussion about your sexual needs. Be honest about yours, and carefully listen to hers. Are the two of you compatible in this area? If not, are the two of you willing to compromise to meet each other's needs? If so, your relationship will probably survive. If not, you may need to look somewhere else before you get in too deep.

She Can Commit to Monogamous Relationships

Bisexual females are totally able to get into a monogamous partnership and stay in it for the long haul. This does not mean that they are not attracted to other genders. They are. But they just do not act upon that attraction. Consider this. In the hetero world, both men and women admire those of the opposite sex whom they see as attractive and sexy. They may even develop a "crush" of sorts on someone. But they are mature and committed to their partners and so do not act upon those attractions. The same applies to members of the LGBTQ population. If those attractions lead to cheating and beyond, there is always divorce for married couples or a break-up for unmarrieds. It's what mature (and immature) people do. Yes, she's bisexual, but yes, she can be in a fully committed relationship with one woman or a different sex.

Never Ask About Her Past Relationships

If you are dating a bisexual woman, and you are enjoying this situation, do not spoil it by asking her about her past experiences or relationships. She may not want to reveal those to you or talk about them if they included bad or painful breakups. Just don't ask. Let her take the lead here and bring those up as she feels comfortable doing so. And, really, it's none of your business.

She May Have Attractions to Other Non-Binary Populations

The term bi-sexual does not just refer to a woman who is attracted to lesbians, men, or other bisexuals. She may be attracted to those who identify as trans, pansexual, asexual, and/or aromantic, etc. She may be honest with you about this or not. If your situation becomes long-term, she may well reveal these attractions. This does not mean she will act upon those. It does mean that she wants to be completely honest with you about her feelings. And that is always a good thing. If you are a highly jealous type, this may be hard to take, so check yourself before you move forward. Many who identify as bi are, in reality, highly gender-fluid.

You Must Be an Ally as Well as a Lover

Your love life and sex with your bi partner may be amazing, and that's a wonderful thing. But a strong relationship is far more than just what happens in the bedroom. Unless she is aromantic, she wants more. Do you have any of the same interests? Do you engage in discussions, small talk? Do you cook together? Do you go out, laugh, and just enjoy one another's company? These are the things that bring emotional intimacy to long-term relationships if both people want that.

The other critical factor is becoming an ally. You should never press her for information about her sexual background and experiences. But if you have established open and honest communication, she will probably volunteer some of this information. Do not judge or be critical. Instead, validate all that she tells you by active listening and assuring her that any sexual behavior that is okay with both partners is okay. She has to be certain that you accept her just as she is.

Accept Her Complexity

Members of the bi community are as different and unique as members of any LGBTQ community. Some will want an intimate and emotional relationship with a straight guy but still be physically attracted to and seek out a same-sex relationship with another woman, without any emotional connection. After all, even straight people do the same with more than one partner. At the same time, not all women who identify as bi ever actually engage in bisexual activity. She's bisexual in thought and feeling but stays with one gender all of her life, even in a straight relationship with a hetero man.

She May Feel Lost Within the LGBTQ Population

Here's the thing about bisexuals. If they stick with only same-sex encounters, they are identified as gay or lesbian by both straight people and other members of the LGBT community. And her bi visibility is "hidden." If she's attracted to the hetero male and acts on that attraction, then she is no longer a lesbian to the LGBTQ population because she is not gay enough. And if she's bisexual with relationships with other women and with trans men or women, for example, then she's polysexual. And if they enter into long-term relationships with one gender, then they are not seen as bisexual. Within the queer community, bisexual people often struggle to establish their actual identity. Where do they really fit among multiple genders and multiple types of LGBTQ identities?

If you are dating a bisexual woman who states that she's bisexual, leave it at that, no matter what her sexual behaviors are or have been. If you see her as a potential partner, don't make this an issue - it's a detail that really does not matter.

Adopt the Boy Scout Motto - Be Prepared

If you are dating a bisexual woman, be prepared for the complexities you face. Bisexual dating is complicated. There are those myths that you have been exposed to and may enter a relationship believing. Then there are those "rules" that you will often have to learn as you go along. Most importantly, you have to remember she's bisexual - not gay, not lesbian, not trans, and definitely not a straight woman. If you have no prior experience dating a bisexual woman, remember that you cannot put all bi's into a single category. They are as individual as all other people. So, if you are romantically attracted or even just physically aroused by a bisexual woman, make sure you know what bisexual means. Above all, remember these things:

  • Bisexual women can be sexually attracted to both genders but may choose to have sex with just one gender.

  • Bi women may be involved with straight women or men, not just lesbians or other bi's. Their sexual orientation is based on individual preferences

  • Bi women are not oversexed, do not necessarily want threesomes, and often settle in with one straight, lesbian, or bisexual partner for the long-term

  • Your bisexual girlfriend is part of the LGBT community, so do not believe that you can "make" her a part of the straight community

  • Bisexual women may stick with just one gender their entire lives. This does not mean that they are fully in the straight community if that partner is male. They can still experience physical attraction to other women.

  • Two women, both bisexual people, may have different definitions of what bisexual means.

  • A bi woman may or may not want to talk about her sexual history. Never force this.


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