Everyone dreams of a healthy relationship that is full of love, respect, and mutual understanding. But unfortunately, many of us get into a tumultuous relationship that is characterized by the disorderly commotion, regular fights, and debilitating anxiety.
Do you feel that your relationship is moving in the wrong direction? Do you feel like your partner has robbed your sense of dignity? There might be a sign that you should think about breaking your tumultuous relationship and starting a new normal romance.
One of the key signs of all tumultuous relationships is repeatable fights over the same things. Have you quarreled over the same issue two weeks ago, three days ago, and this morning? The chances are you will have similar fights in the coming weeks, months, and even years.
If you haven't managed to resolve this issue yet, you can be sure that it will be the cornerstone of your conflicts in the future. You can console yourself that your relationship will get better over time, but the truth is that it will never happen.
Like in a horror movie, you will have to go through the same unresolved issues over and over again until you find the strength to end this unhappy relationship.
Tip: If you want to stop fighting, you should identify the triggers, define the real issue, and work together to fix it.
The tumultuous relationship is all about manipulation. Probably, you don't even notice and realize those manipulations, but they are the basis of your relationship. Let's consider an example.
Imagine your boyfriend hasn't been answering your phone calls for an hour. Now he calls you back. What will you say once you pick up the phone? If your first phrase goes like this, "Hi babe, how are you?" you have a healthy relationship.
But if you start the conversation with phrases like this, "Why do you ignore my calls? Is your job more important than me?" you are a manipulator. You make your boyfriend feel guilty for no reason. You manipulate his feelings to benefit from this later.
Counselor Janice Selbie writes that manipulation is a sign you can't ignore.
Love does not include control, pressure, or manipulation. If someone is putting demands on you to look a certain way, attend/participate in activities you don’t like, or to build/end relationships: Reconsider the relationship. #RTS #Coercion #Cult— Janice Selbie (Wise Counsellor) (@Wise_counsellor) February 22, 2022
Does your partner trust you? Does he ask you where you go and what you will do tomorrow? Does he worry that you may meet your ex or someone who attracts you? The lack of trust is one of the main signs of a tumultuous marriage and relationship.
And what about you? Do you check your partner's phone without his permission? Do you always ask him about his relationship with the ladies who comment on his social media posts? If there is no trust between you and your partner, you have zero chance to build a happy future together.
Here you have only two options to consider. You can try to resolve your trust issues with the help of a qualified family therapist. Or, you can end your marriage and start building a stable relationship from scratch.
The paradox of a tumultuous relationship is the following: you are not compatible, and you feel unhappy being together, but you are too dependent on each other to break up. Basically, you depend on each other like a drug addict dependent on drugs. The longer you stay in your relationship, the more toxic and self-destructive they become.
Are you addicted to your lover? That's a red flag. Addiction has nothing in common with a healthy relationship. If you don't have a deep connection on a spiritual level, your current relationship is not worth saving. They will not serve you and your long-term purpose.
All relationships have ups and downs. So if you have quarrels with your partner once in a while, it's perfectly normal. But if arguments have become an integral part of your relationship, that's a huge problem.
Do you feel miserable when being next to your boyfriend? Do you want to cry every time he is screaming at you? Do you feel unhappy and broken inside? We have bad news for you. You're in a tumultuous relationship, and if you don't leave your partner now, that will further affect your psychological wellbeing and mental abilities.
Kristen Fuller, M.D., a physician, talks about the adverse effect of a toxic relationship:
"Trauma secondary to a toxic relationship can cause people to act in ways that are unimaginable, brutal, and devastating. This trauma can often lead to the feeling of depression, anxiety, disordered eating, low self-esteem, and self-harm such as cutting."
A few years ago, you were proud of yourself. You were a self-confident person who knew how to set ambitious goals and how to achieve them. But everything has changed after you started this relationship.
Your partner has told you that "you are not enough" a million times, and it seems that you have started to believe it. He told you that you have no taste in music, you can't choose a good wine, and you are not smart enough to get promoted at work. The more time you spend together, the more you believe that the lie he is telling about you is the truth.
It's time for you to accept the fact that your rocky relationship will lead you nowhere. You will never become a happy and successful person if your closest person doesn't provide you with adequate support.
The most dangerous thing about such a relationship is that it may affect your subsequent decisions and steal your happiness in the future. Some people who have survived tumultuous relationships fail to build a new healthy relationship because they doubt their self-worth.
Diahann Carroll, an American actress, was one of those people who have experienced this issue.
I finished Diahann Carroll's memoir and for all she accomplished she had a tumultuous love/home life. She actually had 2 loving healthy relationships and she admits she sabotaged them bc she didn't think she deserved it.— JR's Wife⁷ (@klamillexnamgi) February 20, 2022
When you are in a tumultuous relationship, you can't make even small decisions on your own. For instance, when you want to go out with your partner, you ask him whether you can wear a red dress. You ask this question not because you need a piece of fashion advice, but because you are waiting for his approval.
You are an adult now, and you can live your life the way you want. You can wear what you like, eat what tastes good to you, and visit places of your choice. If you discuss each step with your partner, waiting for his approval, it's a warning sign that something is wrong in your relationship.
Hate is a strong word. And if you are not afraid to use it, it's a bad sign. Do you hate the way your boyfriend behaves with your friends and family? Do you get irritated every time he slurps while eating? Does it make you start a fight?
True love is all about accepting your lover the way he is, including his habits, preferences, and behaviors. If you try to change your partner all the time, you are doing it all wrong. No matter how hard you try, he will never become the person you want him to be.
Here you have a few options open. Now you can change your attitude and show respect to your partner. Or, you can have an honest talk, stop the fight, and decide on breaking up.
Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist, notes the root of your hate is likely to be hidden somewhere deeper and is connected to some of your unresolved conflicts.
"Ask yourself, 'Is there an unresolved issue? Is it something they did recently that's making me upset? Is it something they said? Think about where your needs haven't been met. That's the real reason for the loathing."
Have you just realized that there are lots of warning signs that you have been ignoring for too long? Don't worry, you can find a solution and fix the situation.
Visit a therapist on a regular basis
If both partners want to save a marriage, that's a good sign. Find a therapist who knows how to deal with tumultuous relationships and start working on your unresolved issues. Discuss the triggers that create the unhealthy dynamic and talk about the same arguments you typically fight about.
The family therapist will provide you with professional help and a piece of good relationship advice so you can find an adequate solution to your relationship problems.
Tip: Remember that we are just human beings, and we make many mistakes. We should never feel ashamed to seek professional assistance when we desperately need it.
If therapy doesn't work, start dating
Do you understand that there is no sign that you can save your marriage? If so, you should move on. You deserve happiness. You shouldn't suffer from one wrong choice. It's time for you to admit defeat and start a new page in life.
Start dating again, and you will find the right person to be with. You will make necessary changes, build a strong marriage, and find the key to true happiness.
Distinguish superficial attraction from true love
Remember that if you have an amazing sex life and experience great physical attraction to your partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are in love. If there is no strong emotion between you and your lover, it's not a good thing.
Tip: Your happiness, not your sex life, must be a priority. Try to find a person you can connect with on a deep emotional level, rather than someone whom you find physically attractive.
Has your best friend seen those red flags before you? Next time you should be more careful and more attentive to the things your friend says. If your bestie states that there is a sign that your romance will not have a happy ending, make sure to ask her why she thinks this way.
Look forward, don't get back
Once you end a tumultuous relationship, don't look back. You should never return to your ex-lover, no matter how strongly he wants you to get back. Don't trust his words. If he has hurt you once, he will do it again.
He is the same person you once left, and he will never change. Don't be afraid to stay alone. There are many great guys around you, and you will find someone who will see your true worth.
If you don't want to go through all of this again, you should follow a few simple rules:
Make it a habit to solve all conflicts in a rational way and right away. Don't let unresolved problems become a reason for your quarrels again and again.
Build trust in the first place. The more you trust your partner, the happier you will be together.
Set boundaries from the very start of your relationship. Don't allow your lover to manipulate your decisions.
If there is a problem you can't resolve on your own, contact a counselor and ask for help.
Follow these rules, and you will win your happiness back.
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