Polyamory Wiki Page

Can a person have romantic love for more than one person at the same time? Let’s explore the answer to this question in depth.

In our hetero-normative society, it is believed that one person should and will find a love with whom they will form a monogamous relationship, whether that relationship lasts or not – one at a time is the concept.

But what if a person has romantic feelings and ultimately romantic relationships with more than one at a time? This is known as polyamory, and it is more common than most would think.

Terminology

Polyamory

According to the Oxford English Dictionary:

“Poly.” It’s a Greek word that means “many.” Thus, we have such terms as a polygon in geometry – a many-sided figure.

“Amor” is a Latin word that means “love.”

The “y” at the end of a word turns it into a noun.

So, polyamory is the act of loving more than one or having more than one romantic partner – polyamorous relationships, to be more specific.

Several other related terms should also be clarified.

Ethical Non-Monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is an approach to polyamorous relationships that emphasises mutual respect, consent, communication, and establishing and respecting boundaries.

Polygamy

This is the practice of having many spouses, usually wives. Polyandry refers to having many male spouses. Its origins are traced back to pre-Biblical times but is also present in the Old Testament among Jews. Today, polygamy is illegal in many countries, but it continues to exist without much enforcement.

Monogamy

Monogamous relationships, whether through marriage or partnerships, involve two people who make a decision to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship between themselves and no others. This does not mean that the union is permanent because a monogamous relationship can be dissolved and often is. The point is that monogamous people remain in committed relationships for as long as that relationship lasts.

Polyfidelity

People in a polyamorous relationship agree that they will remain faithful to each other within their group and will not stray from that group. They agree to stay sexually and romantically confined to themselves.

Polyfidelity is a form of polyamory in which a group of people agrees to be sexually exclusive with each other and not have lovers outside of the group. Usually these groups are quite small—triads with three people or quads with four are most common—though they can be as large as 20-plus people who form an exclusive intimate network.

Ambiamory

This is a combination of being monoamorous and polyamorous – without a preference for one or the other. Such people can enjoy a monogamous relationship and a polyamorous relationship and switch back and forth as they please. It’s not really an identity as such – just a fluid preference.

Open Relationship

While polyamory involves more than one partner, an open relationship is something different. Partners agree that they can go outside of their monogamous relationships, usually for sexual encounters, but with certain “rules” they agree to follow.

Relationship Anarchy

Anarchy is a word that means no rules. The underlying principle is that there is an abundant supply of love to go around, and everyone should be free to pursue any types of relationship they want. It generally involves multiple partners but for whatever purposes they decide are right for them.

In a polyamorous relationship, there is often a primary partner whose needs and desires come first. Secondary partners are below on that relationship hierarchy. There is no hierarchy in relationship anarchy.

Solo Polyamory

Solo polyamory involves an individual who engages in multiple love relationships at the same time but has no primary relationship and wants no connection with their partners lives. Their primary goal is independence and that evidently includes loving many others without commitment.

History

The Ancient World

Some researchers, such as anthropologists Lewis Morgan and Friedrich Engels have found evidence of polyamory in ancient societies where a diversity of partnerships and relationships existed – traditional monogamous ones, polygamy, polyamory, and even polyandry. Many of these multiple relationships were based upon social, legal, and economic concerns, not romance.

Other research of ancient civilizations points to instances of polyamory that were not for social, legal, or financial purposes.

Mesopotamia

In ancient Mesopotamia, these students have found evidence of polyamorous people who went beyond polygamy and focused more on human connections. They point to some of the literature, such as the Epic of Gilgamesh, along with letters and legal records that have been studied. Men and women had relationships outside of marriage that appeared to be based on emotional and romantic bonds. And those bonds, while not completely aligned with our modern-day specifics of the relationships of polyamorous people, were pretty close.

Egypt

Pharaohs had multiple wives, but it was for the purpose of preserving their dynasties. However, there is other historical evidence of commoners forming multiple partnerships for emotional reasons.

Early Tribal Cultures

Polygamy and monogamy were practiced in most of these cultures but so was a form of polyamory. Even in some Native American tribes, people formed multiple relationships based on emotional bonds.

Likewise, there were tribes in Africa and Polynesia where deep relationships were formed based on emotional bonding – primarily via communal living and shared responsibilities for such things as child rearing.

Throughout these early civilizations, one core principle was at work. While they may not be specifically a parallel polyamory to what we see as a poly relationship today, they were based upon a basic human need to form meaningful and emotional connections with more than one person at a time. Our kitchen table polyamory calls it romantic love.

The Middle Ages and The Renaissance

Medieval times were dominated by the Catholic Church and the strict norms it imposed on society in Europe. However, this did not mean that polyamory disappeared. There were undercurrents, even though kitchen table polyamory was not a topic at meal time.

There was “courtly love” often depicted in literature – upper class, nobility, and knights were often depicted as being romantically involved with a third person – someone other than their wives. – think Tristan and Isolde or Lancelot and Guinevere. The theme here was that there were emotional connections with others outside of marriage.

As far as the Renaissance is concerned, the period of awakening brought about a new approach to relationships and love. Art and literature were far more open about depicting human desires and emotions. They all pointed to a more liberal viewpoint. One major work, Boccaccio’s The Decameron, delved deeply into human emotions, especially love, and upended traditional norms of love between just two people being the ideal.

During both of these periods, romantic and sexual exclusivity was challenged but not overtly. It was subtle but definitely there.

The Enlightenment

In came the “voice” of reason and personal freedoms. And with that voice also came challenges to traditional norms of romantic and sexual exclusivity. While the word “polyamory” was not yet formed, a poly relationship was certainly a topic for philosophers, artists, and literary figures of the time. Because individualism also became a huge factor in this period, individual relationships of a much more diverse nature became far more acceptable too.

19th Century

Exploring polyamory became a much more active endeavor in the 1800s. There were several reasons for this.

• The Utopian Movement: The so-called “Second Industrial Revolution” brought about rapid changes to society, especially in America. Some of those changes brought significant inequality and hardship. In response, some people formed communes, which attempted to establish a perfect (Utopian) society where everyone was equal and shared equally in duties and responsibilities. A couple of the most famous were Brook Farm and the Oneida Community. People involved in such communes formed a variety of relationship types as alternatives to traditional marriage, including multiple partners based on romantic and emotional feelings and various forms within those partnerships. While it wouldn’t be termed the “free love” of young people that we saw in the 60s, there was a rejection of much of the existing mores about marriage. There was an ethical non-monogamy based upon the mutual consent of everyone involved. While these communities did not stand the test of time, the groundwork was laid for the future of polyamory.

• Challenges to the Existing Laws and Societal Norms: During the 19th and far into the 20th and 21st centuries, anti-polygamy laws forced a lot of people in multiple marriages into the shadows. While no laws (e.g., the Defense of Marriage Act) specifically related to people practicing polyamory or those involved in multiple intimate relationships outside of marriage, polyamorous people felt the societal pressure to “lay low” about their “other” relationships. A polyamorous relationship just didn’t fit the social norm. Fortunately, those in non-monogamous relationships began to push back against these legal and societal restrictions.

• Feminism and Its Influence: During the 19th and well into the 20th and still now in the 21st century, women became fierce advocates of gender equality. they fought for and won the right to vote; they fought for their right to birth control and to have their own checking accounts; they fought for their right to have any type of relationship they wanted; and they fought and are still fighting for equality with men in the workforce. Straight, lesbian, or bisexual woman, didn’t matter – they vowed to have the right to casual sex, open relationships, and, yes, a polyamorous family if that is what they should choose – any type of romantic or sexual activity should be honored.

Major Strides in the 20th Century

As the 20th century progressed, younger generations became a major voice in society’s political, economic, and social fabric. Ideas toward sexuality changed; an environment of acceptance of all relationship types began to replace the typical hetero notions of a man and a woman being the acceptable existing couple, and marriage being the acceptable partnership arrangement.

The Sexual Revolution

Young people involved themselves in plenty of relationship arrangements that were not based upon marriage; they participated in putting pressure on authorities to change existing laws and court decisions; they openly challenged existing societal norms; they entered into “domestic partnerships” without marriage – any relationship that someone believed to be right for them was fine.

Who can forget the “free love” movement of the 60s and 70s? This further challenged societal norms by a much wider range. Young people involved in these movements were changing the entire discussion about what sex, love, and romance should look like.

The sexual revolution of the latter half of the 20th century also involved the insistence on full equality for women in their relationship choices. Birth control pills came to allow partners full sex lives without the worry of pregnancy.

LGBTQ+ Rights

The Stonewall Riots of 1969 ushered in the strong pressure for equal rights for all LGBTQ+ people to be who they are and to live their lives with any relationship and any sexual or romantic partner they want. This pressure and activism continued through the remainder of the 20th century, and some progress was achieved.

Polyamory Becomes a Real Term

A Brief History of Polyamory (readyforpolyamory.com)

During the 70s, a number of communes were formed, probably the most well-known being the Sandstone and Kerista. These two involved polyamorous principles where members of the groups shared responsibilities, including child care, and were free to form relationships from being close friends to meeting other forms of emotional needs as they wished. Both sexual and romantic relationships shifted as needs changed with the full knowledge that they could change again.

Along with an increasing knowledge and acceptance of polyamory came a number of publications and support groups in the 80s and 90s. A member of one of these groups, Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart, came up with the term polyamory and put it in print for the first time. It encapsulated all of the kitchen table polyamory concepts and terms, such as group relationships and group marriages among others.

The 21st Century Roller Coaster

The 21st century began with progress on many fronts – LGBTQ+ rights especially. While many polyamorous people see themselves as a part of the LGBTQ community, not everyone does. And polyamory itself operates along a spectrum. A person may have polyamorous feelings for a period of time and then decide they don’t want multiple partners anymore.

The Subject of Academic Studies

And polyamory became the subject of academic research on the part of multiple people – psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists, and even legal experts. The research dispelled many traditional notions of people involved in polyamorous relationships and the relationships themselves.

One especially significant study was that of Dr. Elisabeth Sheff. She wrote a book based on a 15-year-long study of polyamorous people and their lives. It gave an in-depth look into the lives of polyamorous people and their relationships. What she concluded is that these relationships are healthy and that children in these families actually benefit from the attention and care they have from multiple adults.

As time marches on, polyamory will too. And it will no longer be in the shadows – open relationships of all types will coexist with more traditional ones – in a world that honors equality that is.

Boosts From Technology

Like all groups of people who are separated by miles (and even not miles), the Internet has been an amazing connecter. People who are a part of often “marginalized” groups can find one another, become close friends, engage in conversation, and provide advice and support. Chat rooms, forums, and even online dating apps all make this possible. Here is what the Internet has done for the polyamorous:

1. Online Communities: The internet has provided a platform for polyamorous individuals to connect and form communities. Websites like Livejournal and social media platforms such as Facebook, Reddit, Instagram, and TikTok have become popular gathering places for polyamorous individuals to share experiences, seek advice, and build relationships.
2. Dating and Relationship Exploration: Online dating sites have catered to multiple-partner relationships, allowing polyamorous individuals to find like-minded partners more easily. Dating apps specifically designed for non-monogamous people have also emerged, facilitating the exploration of consensual nonmonogamy.
3. Intersection with Other Sex and Gender Minorities: The internet has facilitated connections between polyamorous individuals and those identifying as queer or interested in BDSM. This intersection has led to the formation of diverse and inclusive communities, where individuals can explore different aspects of their identities and relationships.

Overall, the internet has had a profound impact on the polyamorous community, providing opportunities for connection, education, and self-expression. It has revolutionized the way polyamorous individuals navigate dating and relationships, leading to greater visibility and acceptance of non-traditional relationship structures.

Challenges for the Polyamory Community – the Legal Stuff

In the United States, there are several legal challenges that polyamorous individuals and families face.

One major issue is custody battles. Poly parents often find themselves in vulnerable positions during court proceedings, as the US has a history of removing children from morally unsound parents. Due to the relatively unknown nature of polyamory, poly parents may lose custody battles when their lifestyle is brought to the attention of authorities through divorce or other incidents. To regain custody, some poly families have had to reconfigure their living situations to fit within societal norms.

Another legal issue faced by polyamorous individuals is the morality clause. Some organizations have morality clauses in employment contracts, which can lead to termination for violating these clauses. Relationships between same-sex or gender individuals, including polyamorous relationships, can be deemed immoral and can result in job loss when individuals are outed as poly at work. Unfortunately, legal recourse is often limited in such cases.

Polyamorous individuals can also face accusations of adultery and bigamy. While prosecution for adultery is rare due to limited resources, authorities may threaten polys with prosecution as a means of control. Additionally, housing restrictions can pose challenges for polyamorous families. Some jurisdictions limit the number of unrelated adults in a household, making it difficult for polyamorous families to find suitable living arrangements. This can lead to the risk of eviction and significant financial implications.

The Legal Roller Coaster

In recent years, state lawmakers have introduced a large variety of anti-LGBTQ+ bills, many of which have been signed into law by their governors. These have included restrictions on student-athletes, banning classroom introduction or discussions of LGBTQ populations, banning books, and rights of consumer businesses to refuse service on religious grounds, and restrictions on healthcare.

Already in 2024, 285 bills have been introduced in state legislatures across the country.

The importance of location can’t be overlooked when discussing legal issues surrounding polyamorous relationships. Relational status can change based on the state of residence for sexual minorities, and traveling can result in a sudden loss of family rights. Legal documentation may not be recognized across state lines, making the law capricious for polyamorous individuals. In contrast, cisgender heterosexuals generally have more consistent marital status regardless of location.

Polyamory Hits the Media

There’s a growing acceptance and representation of polyamory in media and society. This shift in attitudes can be attributed to several factors:

1. Increased visibility in media: Over the past few years, we’ve seen a rise in the representation of polyamorous relationships in mainstream media. TV shows like ‘Sense8’ and films like ‘Professor Marston and the Wonder Women’ have showcased diverse characters engaging in non-monogamous relationships. These positive representations challenge stereotypes and help normalize alternative relationship structures.
2. Breaking down misconceptions: Media has played a crucial role in challenging misconceptions about polyamory. By portraying polyamorous relationships in a realistic and authentic manner, these representations dismantle stereotypes and provide a more nuanced understanding of non-monogamy. This helps to counter misconceptions that equate polyamory with cheating, commitment issues, and instability.
3. Fictional characters as catalysts for change: Fictional characters in popular media have played a significant role in popularizing and normalizing polyamory. Characters like Frank and Claire Underwood in ‘House of Cards’ engage in consensual non-monogamy, showcasing polyamorous relationships in a high-stakes political world. By normalizing and destigmatizing polyamory, these characters challenge cultural norms and encourage acceptance.

While the lives of polyamorous people are improving, much remains to be done to de-stigmatize polyamorous committed relationships. It is a romantic relationship that deserves to be recognized as such.

LGBTQ+ or Not?

Legally, polyamory is not recognized as an orientation. But the question of whether it should be is a subject of much debate, even among practicing polyamorists. For sure, many believe it is their orientation and core to who they are — such individuals often report struggling to find satisfaction in monogamous relationships before coming out as poly — but other partners, even those in long-term polyamorous relationships, still see it as a personal choice or lifestyle.

Some polyamorous people have a primary relationship and engage in casual hookups, but most begin secondary relationships with the consent of their primary partner, to whom they are generally married or committed. Introducing a secondary partner requires the primary couple to agree on a set of stipulations, such as date times, and the type of intimacy allowed. Research has found that, despite the complications, polyamory offers benefits ranging from greater satisfaction and extra help with child care to increased relationship commitment.

How do partners today decide to become non-monogamous?

Often, a polyamorous relationship starts out that way. Others begin as committed relationships involving two partners, in which one expressed a strong desire to open things up. It can be a relationship-threatening challenge if a partner’s partner does not want this. Couples’ therapists have found that these situations often involve a partner making a last-ditch attempt to save a relationship or seeking an excuse to get out. But when a partner’s interest is sincere, and the other’s openness to change is real, it can succeed, with small steps, consistent communication, and a willingness to admit when it’s not working.

What are today’s threats to nonmonogamous relationships?

New relationship energy, or NRE, is one of the most common threats to a polyamorous romantic relationship. In this scenario, a new partner is welcomed into the relationship, bringing excitement, fascination, and a glow that the original long-term partner may find threatening. Experienced polyamorists prepare for NRE and compensate for it: The partner bringing in the new person may remind themselves to devote more time and attention to their long-term partner, while the other may be patient and hold steady to their long-term commitment until NRE dissipates and their larger relationship takes a new shape.

Why are polyamorous relationships not as common as others?

The reason why polyamorous relationships are not as common as others is not that people find them unappealing; interest in polyamory is rising, and research on polyamorous partners finds them to be, on average, as least as satisfied with their relationships as others. But polyamorous relationships are highly challenging to construct and maintain. Simply finding a partner willing to enter a relationship with the same honesty and ground rules is difficult, especially in a culture that favors serial monogamy, and especially if one sees it as a lifestyle while the other perceives it as their sexuality. For this reason, communities arise in which those who are “poly” can meet, often initially online. And these types of communities can help everyone involved, including all of a partner’s partners, to open up and resolve their feelings. Consensual non-monogamy takes work, communication, and constant checking in.

If a person who is polyamorous identifies as queer because of that, they are certainly welcomed within this community. However, this is not an identity that is to be forced on anybody.

Flag and Symbols

The original polyamory pride flag was crafted by Jim Evans in 1995.

It featured three stripes, with the following meanings:

• The blue stripe represents honesty and openness among all partners in such a relationship
• The red stripe stands for love and affection
• The black stripe represents solidarity with people who have to hide their lives from others in their world.
• The pi symbol in the middle, most agree, stands for infinite love among all partners.

Over the years, there have been many variations of this flag created. Most of these variations replace the original pi symbol with some type of heart and infinity symbol, such as this one:

A New Tri-Color Polyamory Flag

Recently a new flag was unveiled and approved by more than 30K polyamorous folks. The colors are white for possibility, magenta for love desire & attraction, and blue for honesty. The gold of the heart represents honesty and perseverance. Finally, purple represents the unity of the non-monogamous community.

Am I Polyamorous?

Polyamory is certainly becoming more visible and more acceptable among large segments of the population, especially Millennials and Gen Z. But because society still values and normalizes monogamy – one person in a sole relationship with another person, you may feel trapped in that type of partnership yourself.

It’s hard to think that you may be romantically attracted to other potential partners when you are in and have been in one for a long time. Yet, if you are feeling some of the following, you may indeed be polyamorous, at least at this point in your life.

Others Suggest You Have Commitment Issues

While others around you are settling down their lives with marriages or other forms of monogamous partnerships, you seem to have difficulty doing this. Maybe you fear losing your freedom; maybe you just don’t feel you want to settle into a single relationship. Your friends are commenting on this while they may see partners who would be a “perfect match” for you. And they are chiding you for being “immature.”

No matter how much pressure they may be putting on you, you just cannot bend. You find yourself enjoying multiple romantic relationships and enjoying that lifestyle.

You are In a Monogamous Relationship and Feeling “Trapped”

Many polyamorous people do not make the “leap” into that identification until later in life. Why is this? Because they have been conditioned all of their lives to see a partnership with one other person as “normal” and acceptable. And so, they grow up, get into that monogamous partnership, and spend some years of their lives in what Thoreau once called “quiet desperation.” They find themselves romantically and emotionally attracted to others but suppress those feelings and deny themselves the relationship satisfaction that polyamory could bring.

This lack of relationship satisfaction can cause someone to resent their partner and even cheat on them. If this sounds like you, then, yes, you could very well be polyamorous.

You Have Experienced Romantic Feelings Toward Multiple People at the Same Time

This may have started when you were young. You had romantic interest in several others at the same time and could just not decide among them. This continued as you moved through adolescence and even now in adulthood. Your sexuality doesn’t matter – you could be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or another sexuality and still have romantic feelings toward more than one person. What you are feeling is that you have lots of love to give and normal for you is to give that love to those you are romantically attracted to.

You Acknowledge That It’s OK for Your Partner to Be with Others

So, your partner forms an emotional or romantic relationship with someone else. For many, this would be a deal breaker in the relationship, a betrayal so to speak. Somehow, it doesn’t feel horrible to you. Now, you may experience some jealousy, and that’s normal when polyamory is new, but you also feel that the two of you can discuss the situation and come to agreements and compromises.

In short, you’re not feeling the same anger and betrayal that fully monogamous people would feel.

So, these four clues should give you some idea of what your true orientation may be. At least, they may cause you to ask some questions. And if these same questions continue to dog you, it may be time to speak with a dating or counseling expert to get some more insight.

How to Support Polyamory and Polyamorous People

The Human Rights Campaign website has said it best: “For a lot of people, learning that someone they know and care about is part of the LGBTQ+ community can open a range of emotions, from confused to concerned, awkward to honored. It may be hard to know how to react, what to say, or how you can best be supportive.”

When someone close to you comes out as polyamorous, understand that they are confiding in you and not necessarily to a lot of other people. It is your first responsibility to respect and honor their confidence unless and until they tell you who else knows and that it is okay to talk with them about their disclosure.

Here are some key ways that you can become a valued ally of your polyamorous friend, family member, or colleague:

Do Your Research

If you don’t know much about polyamory, it’s time to learn. Before you start asking questions that may be awkward or condescending, take the time to re-read this article, access some online forums and chat rooms, and listen in. You’ll learn a lot about their personal stories, their successes, and their struggles.

Reassure Them

You must tell them that your feelings about them have not changed – you still care about and respect them.

But also be honest. If you don’t have a good handle on polyamory, tell them so. And tell them you want to know more about their journey to and through their identity.

Let Them Decide How Much and When They Want to Talk About Their Identity and Situation

Ask questions in a respectful way, but do not press for more detail than they are prepared to provide. It’s up to them to make decisions about when and how they reveal any detail.

Include Them in Your Social Circle Just the Way You Always Have

Don’t treat them any differently than you always have, either socially or at work. You have the same friendship relationship that you always had, and that has not changed.

As you become more aware of your friend’s journey, you will find more ways to become an ally. Take advantage of these opportunities.