Lesbian - What is it? What does it mean?

Terminology

Lesbian

The word lesbian describes women who feel sexually and romantically attracted to other women. However, in casual use gay and lesbian may be used interchangeably.

Sapphic

Sappho was born on the Greek Island of Lesbos. She was a poet who wrote about women loving other women. The lesbian themes in her poetry explains how the word lesbian became associated with homosexual women. It's also how the word sapphic came to refer to same sex relationships between women.

This word also refers to the love of women by women. Lesbians can be described as sapphic. So can bisexual, pansexual, and demisexual women. The word represents a range of unique relationships between women that involve love and attraction.

Queer

The word queer is a unique identifier as its meaning is subjective and depends on the person who has adopted it. For some, the word reflects a fluid identity. Others use it as an act of defiance to take back a word that has been used against the community as a slur. “Queer” often has an association with rebellion and activism. Many lesbians, gay men, trans folks, and others also identify as queer.

Straight

Straight people are heterosexual women and men who are sexually attracted to the opposite gender. Cis and trans people can identify as straight. Although lesbians, by definition are not straight, the concept of straightness is important to conversations about lesbianism.

First, there are many women who spend years, even decades identifying as straight. Compulsory heterosexuality is often the underlying reason for this. As a result, many women are what is referred to as late bloomer lesbians.

Compulsory Heterosexuality

This is the concept that society presumes, even forces heterosexuality on people from birth. Thus, it becomes the default. So, women must overcome social norms and expectations before they can even consider that they may not be straight. Then, in order to live as lesbians openly and authentically they must continually resist pressures to conform with expectations to be heterosexual.

Late Bloomer

A woman who comes out as lesbian later in life. 

Bisexual

Bisexual women and men have sexual feelings towards two or more genders. Like other sexual orientations, people decide for themselves if they are bi. It's based on their deep, ongoing feelings, not sexual history or outward presentation.

Lesbians may date and have relationships with bisexual women. It’s also important to acknowledge the issue of biphobia in the lesbian community. Some lesbian women engage in dismissive and exclusionary attitudes and behaviors towards bisexual individuals. This might include:

• Making bisexual women feel unwelcome in queer spaces
• Exhibiting and encouraging attitudes that bisexual women are cheaters, attention-seeking, or confused
• Assuming bisexual women will ultimately choose relationships with men

Gender Identity

The perception a person has of their own gender. This may align with the sex they were assigned at birth, but may not. Lesbian women can be cis, trans, or nonbinary.

Romantically Attracted

Refers to a romantic connection one person feels for another. Like anyone else, lesbians can experience a range of romantic attractions. 

Sexually Attracted

Refers to the sexual connection one person feels for another

Cross Dressing

The practice of wearing clothing that is traditionally for another gender. This is preferable to the outdated term transvestite. Cross-dressing is not explicitly tied to a person’s sexuality. A woman can be straight and desire to express some level of masculinity in her dress and presentation. 

Drag king culture has emerged as an important phenomenon in lesbian spaces. This is the art of adopting typically masculine dress, hairstyles, etc. for self-expression or simply making a statement. Lesbians can also be drag queens. Pop singer/songwriter Chappell Roan, who is a lesbian and a drag artist, personifies this.

Gay

This word is most often used to refer to gay men - who are sexually and romantically attracted to other men. May also be used as an umbrella term to refer to lesbian and gay men, or even a range of people on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Some lesbians are resistant to the word gay. Others use it freely to self-describe. Some women with same sex attraction simply prefer the word queer.

LGBTQIA+

This is an initialism that begins with the word lesbian, and also includes gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex, asexual, and others. 

The initialism was orginally GLB, then LGB, LGBT, etc. with additional letters being added. The G and L were switched intentionally as a way to show respect and solidarity to lesbian women. This change happened during the AIDS crisis when many sick and dying gay men were cared for by lesbian women. 

Closet

A metaphor describing members of the LGBTQIA+ who hide their sexual or gender identities.

Heteronormativity

This is the centering of heterosexuality as the superior or default orientation.

Homophobia

This is the hatred, fear, or prejudice against any or all members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Lesbophobia

This is the hatred, fear, or prejudice against lesbians, lesbian couples, or lesbians as a social group. Lesbophobia exists in and out of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Biphobia

This is the hatred, fear, or prejudice against bisexuals specifically.

Transphobia

This is the hatred, fear, or prejudice against transgender people specifically

Coming Out

The process a person goes through to publicly acknowledge their gender identity or sexuality to others.

Lesbian Slang Terms And Labels

There is a tendency for lesbian women to categorise themselves and one another. Many lesbians find these terms useful as a way to describe themselves and how they fit into the community. Others are bothered by these terms. They see them as stereotyping or forcing a heteronormative gaze on lesbian identity. Still, they are used commonly enough that it's helpful to understand them. This list touches on the key types, but does not represent the categories of all queer ladies.

Lipstick Lesbian

This phrase is used to describe lesbian women who are feminine presenting. Their clothing, movement, manner of speaking, etc. all exude femininity. Lipstick lesbians are often perceived as straight until they bring up their sexuality, or are seen in the company of another woman.

Butch

Butch describes a lesbian who presents as masculine. They may wear extremely short hair, masculine clothing, and exhibit body language that exudes masculine energy. This category of lesbian is sometimes associated with sexual dominance and gender dysphoria. However, that varies from one person to another. The common theme is simply an outward appearance.

There are also different categories of butch. One person may choose to wear a sport coat and dress pants, another might wear a muscle shirt with cargo shorts. Soft butches tend to blur the lines between masc presenting and feminine.

Femme

Some people use this term as an alternative to lipstick lesbians. Others use femme to mean feminine presenting lesbians who are specifically attracted to butch lesbians. They are often perceived to be submissive, but there are plenty of lesbian relationships in which a femme is the dominant partner. There are also lesbian relationships where power dynamics simply don't come into play.

Gold Star Lesbian

This is a lesbian who has never had sex with a man.

Dyke

This is a slur that lesbians reclaimed as a way to describe themselves. However, like many slurs it isn't always acceptable for people outside of the community to use it.

Baby Dyke

A baby dyke is a lesbian who has just come out of the closet. While many of these lesbians are younger, a person can wear this label at any age.

Boi Lesbian

This is another complex identity with a few different meanings. Boi is sometimes used to describe a younger, trans man who initially identified as a butch lesbian. It may also describe a trans man who has not undergone a lot of gender affirming care.

Still other people use the term to describe a subset of butch lesbians who choose clothing and hairstyles that are associated with younger people. Some boi lesbians are gender nonconforming. they may have been assigned female at birth, but don't necessarily identify with that fully.

Corporate Lesbian

This is a lesbian who chooses clothing and accessories that are typically associated with the corporate world. In addition to how they present themselves, many corporate lesbians work 9 to 5, white collar jobs. So, the term also describes a lifestyle that doesn't include lesbian taverns, coffee shops, etc.

Stud

This is a subset of the butch category. A stud is a Black or Latinx lesbian with a masculine gender presentation.

Stem

Black or Latinx femme lesbian

Diesel Dyke

This is a plus-size masculine presenting lesbian. She is often associated with car and motorcycle culture

Again, it is important to remember that these lesbian types are subjective. They may be used inconsistently as they are often driven by perception. Many lesbian women fit into multiple categories. Others eschew these labels entirely.

As with any other community, there are also members who choose to ostracize or invalidate people who fit in categories that they don't perceive to be authentic or legitimate. For example, someone may accuse a lipstick lesbian as trying to pass as straight in order to gain acceptance from heterosexual women or men.

Flags And Symbols

Five And Seven Striped Lesbian Flag

One lesbian flag has seven stripes. There is another with five. The flag was created in 2018. The lesbian flag with seven stripes starts from the top with dark orange. This is also known as gender non conformity orange. Orange - independence, light orange - community, white - unique relationships to womanhood, pink - serenity and peace, dusky pink - love and sex, dark pink - femininity.

The five stripe lesbian flag was derived from the original lesbian flag. It still contains community white. However, the middle pink and middle orange stripes have been consolidated.

These are both commonly called the Sunset Flag. They are currently the most popular and widely accepted variations of the lesbian flag.

Violets

No longer commonly used, violets were once given by lesbians to indicate they were interested in the recipient.

Nautical Star

Lesbian women used a wrist tattoo of a nautical star as a way to attract the attention of other women in the 1940s. Today, lesbians still use this as an homage, but the symbol is also used by other groups.

Purple Thread

In some places you can wear a purple string or piece of hemp around your wrist to indicate you are WLW.

Lambda

The International Gay Rights Congress of 1974 adopted the Greek Lambda as its symbol for gay and lesbian rights.

Philadelphia Pride Flag

This all encompassing flag represents all parts of the LGBTQIA+ community as well as the contributions and struggles of BIPOC.

Progress Pride Flag

This flag combines the Gilbert Baker Pride Flag with the Transgender Pride Flag.

Problematic & Outdated Symbols

Some flags and symbols used to represent lesbian culture are outdated and problematic. They may have been adopted by subgroups that advocate hate, been designed by individuals who are problematic, or simply reflect views that are no longer valid. Here are some examples of these.

Labrys Pride Flag

This lesbian pride flag was introduced in 1999. It has a purple background which is associated with the poetry of Sapphos, an upside down black triangle which recalls nazi persecution of LGBTQIA+ people, and a labrys in white. This double-headed axe has long been associated with lesbian culture. This symbol has now been largely co-opted by radical feminists and transphobic lesbians. Further, the flag was designed by a man, and many find the design offensive because of its association with the Holocaust. 

Lipstick Lesbian Flag

This flag and the pink flag below it are no longer considered relevant by most of the lesbian community. There are a few reasons for this:

• The author who created them has been revealed as racist and transphobic through her own writings
• These flags push a stereotypical view of women and divide lesbians into categories of acceptable/unacceptable based on their perceived masculinity

This is a seven stripe flag using various shades of pink with a lipstick print in one corner.

Pink Flag

The same as the lipstick lesbian flag without the lipstick print.

Lesbian Pride With Double Venus

This is a version of the traditional Pride flag. However, there is a double Venus symbol in the upper righthand corner. While the double venus symbol itself is not transphobic, and it is a symbol that has been adopted by TERFs making it problematic as well.

History

Like other sexual orientations, the lesbian identity did not suddenly crop up. While the word lesbian may not have existed until Sapphos wrote poetry on Lesbos, lesbianism is as old as human sexuality. Even going back as far as the ancient civilization of Mesopotamia, there are texts referencing same sex behaviors between women.

The Code of Hammurabi also mentions a woman-man. Although, it is unclear if this refers to a lesbian or gender non conforming man or woman. Still, it is notable that throughout history homosexual men and women have been present. This counters the lesbian-as-a-fad narrative.

While an entire book could be written exploring the word lesbian and the impact of lesbian historical figures, this historical overview does an excellent job of detailing the:

• The impact of lesbian culture
• How the lesbian author, activist, political leader, and professional have made a mark
• The evolution of lesbian activism
• The intersectionality of lesbian politics and activism with other identities
• The relationship between communities of gay men and lesbian women

Gay Women in The 17th - 19th Centuries

There is evidence of anti-lesbian laws and attitudes in early American History. For example, in the 17th century a law was proposed making same sex relationships a capital offense. This law was not codified. The Connecticut Colony did pass a la banning sexual relations between two men or two women. There is no evidence that anyone was ever arrested or prosecuted under this law.

Slave holder, rapist, and founding father Thomas Jefferson added violent homophobia to his list of memorable characteristics when he proposed a law that called for castrating men and cutting a half inch whole through the nose cartilage of women who engaged in polygamy, rape, sodomy, or same sex contact. Two women were prosecuted in the Plymouth colony for lewd behavior. One of the women was under sixteen and simply admonished. The other was warned to avoid future offenses and made to publicly acknowledge her behavior.

19th century lesbians could enjoy some acceptance if they kept the fact that they were attracted to other women secret. These women would present as spinsters, often with a "friend", "servant", or "roommate". However, not all lesbians of the time may have lived entirely closeted lives. Historians may have, intentionally or not, contributed to this by erasing or misclassifying same sex relationships between both men and women. The term Boston Marriage was used during this time to describe two women who were financially independent and shared a home.

Women's Sexuality in The 20th Century

In the early 1900s Margaret Otis published "A Perversion Not Commonly Noted" in the Journal of Psychology after studying incarcerated women. While her writing rife with anti-queer bias, racism, and ethnic prejudice, it also noted some positive aspects of these same sex relationships.

Like other sexual minorities, queer females began to self-identify and seek out other lesbians to form communities. One example of this was the Salt Lake City Bohemian Club. Lesbian subculture began to grow in several major cities in the US and abroad. However, these were subject to police raids and other forms of persecution.

The Lesbian in Literature And Arts

Some of the most prominent lesbian women in history were part of the art and literature communities. These were women who were most likely to be accepted while also living relatively open lives. They include authors like Gertrude Stein and Tereska Torres. The latter had a book "Women's Barracks" published by Gold Medal Books which is considered the first example of lesbian pulp fiction.

In 1928, queer author and poet Marguerite Antonia Radclyffe Hall (AKA John) published The Well of Loneliness". The main theme was sexual inversion, an outdated term for homosexuality.

Woman love has been a theme in many famous novels. Sometimes, the stories were reflections of the author's own identities. Others were entirely fiction. Writers varied in how overt they were in writing on the topic of lesbian love and sexual contact. Here are a few examples:

• The Color Purple
• Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit
• Fingersmith
• Tipping The Velvet
• The Miseducation of Cameron Post
• Female Masculinity
• Annie on My Mind
• Tea
• Camilla
• The Claudine Series

Lesbians in The Military And Politics

Homosexual men and women were explicitly prevented from serving in the United States military in 1982. Before that, same sex activities were illegal, and individuals caught engaging in them were subject to arrest, jail, and dishonorable discharge. In the nineties female homosexuality and male homosexuality were classified as mental illness, disqualifying gay people from service.

In 1993, the Don't Ask Don't Tell act was passed. This created a path that allowed members of the LGBTQIA+ community to serve, but only if they kept their sexuality a secret.

In 2011 people who were LGBTQIA+ could finally serve openly. In 2013 their spouses and families were finally recognized and covered under military benefits programs.

Legal or not, lesbians have served in the military as long as women have. This includes World War II, the Korean War, Vietnam, and more modern conflicts around the globe.

One example of this is Margarethe Cammermeyer. She was a decorated Vietnam veteran, and Colonel in the Army. When she applied for top secret security clearance in hopes for a promotion for general, she acknowledged that she was a homosexual woman. She received an honorable discharge, but the end of her career in the military was due to her acknowledgment that she was gay. Cammermeyer responded by filing a lawsuit arguing that the wording used to discriminate against LGBTQIA+ service members was the same used to disqualify women and racial minorities. She won reinstatement and played a key roll in overturning don't ask don't tell.

Johnnie Phelps was another lesbian who served in WWII. She famously discouraged Eisenhower from gathering a list of women who identified as queer to kick them out of the service.

Lesbian Activists in History

Many women have engaged in meaningful activism to change policies, advocate, and improve the lives of both female and male homosexuals. Here are just a few of them:

• Jane Addams

Jane Addams was a social worker, suffragist, and recipient of the Nobel Peace Price. She founded Hull House in Chicago. This was a settlement house for immigrants that helped them with legal aid, healthcare, education, day care, and other services. Her lover was Mary Rozet Smith.

• Sally Ride

Sally Ride was the first woman in space. While her activism after her career at NASA was not specifically related to the LGBTQIA+ community, she worked tirelessly to advocate for girls and women in STEM.

• Lorraine Hansberry

Lorraine Hansberry was a playwright famous for writing "A Raisin in The Sun". She came from a family of activists, and participated in civil rights demonstrations. She was also associated with the Communist Party. Although she married a close friend, her correspondence made it clear that she was a lesbian.

• Jeanne Cordova

Jean Cordova took a unique path to activism. She joined a convent, but left after two years to become a community activist. She eventually created The Lesbian Tide, a national magazine covering issues relevant to lesbian existence.

• Barbara Smith

Black lesbian activist, Barbara Smith played a key role in the development of black feminism. In the 1970s she helped to create the Combahee River Collective, an activist group of black, lesbian feminists. She later founded Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press with other lesbians of color. That organization worked to promote the writing of women of color.

The Lesbian Feminist Movement And Intersectionality

Lesbian feminism was born out of necessity. Lesbian folks were largely ignored by cis, straight feminists. At the same time, the gay rights movement was largely led by gay men who prioritized issues that were specific to them. Lesbian feminists knew they had to act in their own best interests rather than waiting for straight women or gay men to acknowledge or address their concerns.

An overarching goal of the lesbian feminist was to fight against patriarchy. Many argued that although gay men often struggled in their own ways, they often exhibited their own sexism. Worse, when given the choice between solidarity with gay women and helping straight men maintain power, gay men often chose the latter.

This is an important example of intersectionality. In this case, gender and sexuality can lead to a different set of life experiences and needs. For many years, lesbian feminists refused, mostly, to ally with gay men because they felt ignored by the gay rights movement.

Lesbian feminists have played a key role in furthering women's rights, not just for other queer ladies, but all women. Lesbian feminism was a movement that was formed largely in reaction to the failure of mainstream feminism to include women who identified as lesbian. This is evidenced by Betty Friedan calling lesbians the "great lavender menace" and telling the National Organization of Women that including them would ruin its reputation.

In response to this exclusion, activists like Rita Mae Brown formed The Radicalesbians. While some of the ideals proposed by activist groups like this were controversial, including lesbian separatism, they forced conversations to include issues that were important to the female homosexual.

In 1970, lesbians attended the “Second Congress to Unite Women,” in an effort to educate feminists on obstacles they faced in politics. These activists rushed the stage in an attempt to distribute copies of “The Woman Identified Woman.” While their efforts to do so were blocked, the conference concluded passing pro-lesbian resolutions.

Of course, this created a partnership that wasn't always easy. Heterosexual women were concerned that women identified as queer would lead to sexuality becoming the focus of feminism. So, lesbian activists had to work to separate their identities from their sexuality to placate them.

They had to assure straight feminists that they weren't simply "male identified" interlopers, and that their political concerns were about more than sex. They did this by painting the lesbian relationship as centering around sensuality rather than sexual desire. Eventually, many radical feminists came to see lesbian love as more evolved and sexual acts with men as being inherently exploitative.

In the 1980s the AIDS epidemic served as a unifying issue between lesbian women and gay men. As gay men afflicted with AIDS were frequently rejected by their families and unable to find care, lesbian ladies and other women who identified as queer would become their caregivers.

Lesbian History And Religion

Lesbians who are religious have historically faced struggles with acceptance in many religious institutions. This struggle remains in place with many organized religions outright rejecting gay people from membership or leadership positions. However, in the 80s, some very meaningful progress was made. This began with Stacy Offner being recognized as the first lesbian rabbi by the reform Jewish congregation in the early 80s. In 2006, the conservative movement also allowed for both gay and lesbian Rabbis.

Additionally, many churches welcome gay and lesbian leaders in official positions as well as the laiety. Recently, the National Organization that sets policy for the United Methodist Church repealed policies against lesbian and gay leadership. Some have a way to go, unfortunately. Some more conservative congregations have doubled down on stances against trans men and women, lesbian and gay men, and others.

In 2023, the Church of England began allowing British lesbians and gays to have special services of blessing in the church. However, the official stance of the church is that marriage is between men and women. This is in contrast to the Presbyterian Church of Scotland The Scottish Episcopal Church which both recognize marriage between gay and lesbian couples.

In Islam, men and women who identify as gay and lesbian struggle for mainstream acceptance. However, as there is not sole governing body that dictates policy on this, men and women practising Islam have been able to find welcoming communities. Additionally, there are progressive Islamic scholars and leaders who work diligently at influencing policy that promotes more widespread acceptance. The majority of Muslims in the United States believe that homosexuality should be accepted in society.

Gay And Lesbian Legal Victories And Challenges in Modern History

Since the early 90s, the gay and lesbian community has faced a series of legal challenges and victories. Some notable cases include:

• In 1996 the US Supreme Court ruled that Colorado's second amendment denying discrimination protections to gay and lesbian citizens was unconstitutional
• In 1996 Clinton endorses DOMA that defines marriage as a legal union between men and women while allowing states to refuse to recognize same sex marriages
• In 2000 Vermont becomes the first state in the union to recognize gay and lesbian civil unions and registered partnerships
• In 2003 The United States Supreme Court rules that sodomy laws are unconstitutional
• In 2004 Massachusetts is the first state to legalize gay and lesbian marriage
• In 2008 California voters make same sex marriage illegal in a controversial vote
• In 2009 Obama signs a presidential memorandum allowing for some same sex benefits but not health coverage
• In 2009 Obama signs a law expanding hate crime legislation to include the victim's actual or perceived sexual orientation, gender identity, gender, or disability.
• In 2010 a San Francisco judge deems the CA law against marriage equality is unconstitutional
• In 2010 Don't Ask Don't tell is repealed allowing for gay and lesbian service members to enlist and serve openly
• In 2011 Obama states that his administration will no longer legally defend the Defense of Marriage Act
• In 2011 New York becomes the largest state to legalize same sex marriage
• In 2015 Same sex marriage is legalized across the US
• 2016 Connecticut bans conversion therapy for gay and lesbian patients
• 2017 Hawaii allows same-sex couples to adopt
• 2017 Alabama expands some protections against gay and lesbian discrimination
• 2017 North Carolina reduces protections against trans, gay, and lesbian workers
• 2017 Trump bans trans people from military service
• 2018 Several states allow for employment and housing discrimination
• 2021 Florida enacts laws allowing for anti-LGBTQIA+ censorship
• 2021 Censorship of LGBTQIA+ materials becomes state sanctioned
• 2022 Supreme Court rules the state of Montana acted unconstitutionally when banning gender marker changes on birth certificates
• 2022 Don't Say Gay law goes into effect in Mississippi
• 2022 Oklahoma, Louisiana, Alabama, and Florida all pass laws sanctioning the censorship of LGBTQIA+ materials
• 2023 New York bans surgery on intersex infants
• 2023 Montana repeals the right for trans people to change gender
• 2023 Nebraska bans gender affirming care for minors
• 2023 Arkansas stops recognizing the gender of nonbinary and trans people
• 2023 Texas and Tennessee ban gender affirming care for minors
• 2023 Nevada affirms the right of minors to obtain gender affirming care
• 2023 Illinois legally recognizes the gender of nonbinary
• 2023 Kansas and other states ban the right to change gender
• 2023 Anti LGBTQIA+ censorship becomes state-sanctioned in Iowa
• 2024 Idaho passes several laws allowing for gender identity discrimination
• 2024 Idaho restricts gender-affirming care including banning non-profit organizations from using funds to provide such care
• 2024 Several states pass legislation making it illegal to recognize the gender nonbinary, banning gender-affirming care for minors, and restricting gender-affirming care for adults
• 2024 Florida is forced to allow gender-affirming care for minors
• 2024 Tennessee revokes all discrimination protections for nonbinary, trans, gay, and lesbian people

Ongoing Lesbian And Queer Activism in The 21st Century

In the 21st century, lesbian activism is notable for its use of digital platforms, global scaling, and intersectionality. In prior generations, gay men and lesbian folks largely focused on visibility and human rights. Today, the fight for lesbian equality is not seen as a standalone issue. Instead, people understand now more than ever that issues relating to race, gender identity, poverty, immigration, etc. all intersect with lesbian issues. Further, people are more likely to see that a depth of a person's identity and experiences includes more than their gender or sexuality.

Technology has given lesbian and activists as well as gay men who ally with them both platform and reach. Lesbian and other queer activists have been able to create and distribute content unlike ever before. Even better, they have been able to do so without the assistance of mainstream media outlets.

Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, and other platforms are being used to build community, mobilize action, and raise awareness. Because the internet doesn't have global barriers, people from around the world can connect with lesbian gals and other women who identify as queer.

Additionally, technology has made activism accessible. While in-person protests may not always be accessible to people who are disabled or dealing with financial constraints, virtual events are.

Sadly, gay men and lesbian females are also focusing their activism on correcting a heartbreaking onslaught of legislative backsliding and public misinformation campaigns brought about by the far right and evangelical Christians. This is a concern everywhere, but particularly in the Midwestern and Southern portions of the United States.

On the other hand, lesbian activists have achieved a cultural normalization unlike ever before. While there is still resistance, there are transgender people, lesbian folks, bisexuals, gay men, and others featured prominently on mainstream television shows, movies, and books. Today, the focus here tends to be on accurate representation, authenticity, and genuine diversity.

Loss of Lesbian Bars And Gathering Spaces

Historically, social and political movements have been born and grown in bars, pubs, and taverns. This was true for the lesbian and gay communities where these third spaces provided a safe space to gather. Lesbian and bisexual women could go on dates, relax, socialize, and meet to discuss issues that were important to them.

While the first bars catering to lesbian patrons officially opened between Prohibition and World War II, there have been spaces for gay men and women since the 1800s. These were created in response to cross-dressing laws that often targeted gay men and gay women. .

In the 1950s bars became a gathering place lesbian and bisexual women from the working class and bipoc communities. At their peak in the 80s there were over 200 bars for lesbian patrons. Today there are about 32 left. Fortunately, efforts like the lesbian bar project are drawing attention to these existing bars and encouraging the creation of places for women to connect with other women.

Am I a Lesbian

Many women and girls wonder if they might be lesbian at least once or twice. Sexual orientation is a complex thing. It is a deep and integral part of your identity. The fact that you are open to considering that you might be a lesbian indicates that you are capable of self-examination and open to truths about your identity.

You may be curious and empowered to explore this possibility. It may also feel overwhelming and a bit scary. However you feel is fine. Here are some things you should know about what it means to be a lesbian, exploring your sexual orientation, and learning more about your sexual preference, no matter what it is.

What Does it Mean to be a Lesbian?

You probably know what a lesbian is. The definition is in this document, and many other places online. A lesbian is a woman who is sexually attracted to other women. Your own feelings towards women may have prompted you to ask if you might be a lesbian.

So, are you a lesbian? That's not as simple as a definition makes it seem. Every lesbian experiences sexual and (often) romantic attraction to women. But, not every woman who experiences sexual and romantic attraction to women is a lesbian. There are women who have these feelings who identify as pansexual or bisexual. Still others experience these feelings from time to time. Perhaps they have had crushes on other women. However, their deepest and most ongoing attraction is to men, so they identify as straight.

You may wonder if having sexual experiences with other women makes you a lesbian or not. It doesn't. There are straight women who have had many same-sex experiences, and lesbians who have had none. The only thing that makes you a lesbian is how you identify. Nobody else can choose your sexual orientation or gatekeep it from you.

As you are thinking about your own sex identity. Here are some questions to ask yourself.

• Do you experience a lack of attraction to men?

A lesbian often feels no real sexual attraction to men. Although, this isn't 100% guaranteed. You may occasionally see men you think are attractive, even sexy. Still, if guys just don't do it for you, you might be a lesbian.

• What do you fantasize about?

When your mind wanders and you begin to fantasize, what kind of scenarios do you create in your head? More importantly, who are you thinking of? Is it other women? If your answer is always, or almost always that is a strong indication that you are into women.

• Are you strongly attracted to other women?

This may seem simplistic, but it really is an important consideration. If you really want to date, have sex with, and interact with women on a consistent level, you have to consider that your sexual orientation is lesbian.

• How do you feel when you are in a relationship?

Have you been in lesbian and straight relationships? How do you feel? If something just feels right about dating women, you might be a lesbian.

• What about your emotional connections?

Being a lesbian is more than thinking women are sexy. Plenty of straight women feel that way. It's about who you form your deepest, emotional connections with.

Explore And Understand Your Feelings

Take your time to understand your sexual orientation better. You don't have to rush through this process. Take these steps to explore your feelings.

1. Reflect on Your Feelings And Experiences
   Take time to examine your feelings about other women. Explore what it is that makes you attracted to other women. This would be a good time to start journaling.

2. Learn About What it Means to be Lesbian
   For some women, being a lesbian simply means being attracted to other women. For others, it means becoming a part of a community. Still others have to consider what it means for them within the context of their relationships with their family & friends, work, and even the political climate they live in. Think of the long list of laws listed above that legislate gay and lesbian relationships, gender identity, or even simply discussing queer issues. None of these things should stop you from living authentically. But you shouldn't take this journey without understanding all of the impacts.
   This is also the ideal time to educate yourself about issues that impact lesbians. Learn about history, activism, and literature. Read books with lesbian themes written by lesbian authors.

3. Talk to People You Trust
   Hopefully, you don't have to explore your sexuality on your own. If you have close friends or family who you can trust to be open-minded and kind, let them in. Use them as a sounding board as you consider your sexual orientation. They can provide you with assurance that you have people who care about you, and may have insights that you never considered.

4. Open Yourself Up to New Experiences
   Have you considered dating other women? At some point, that is going to be the best and true test of how you feel. Try dating other women. Chat with gay women online. Watch porn! You may need to engage in some immersion if you truly want to know if you are a lesbian, or perhaps just have some sexually curious feelings.

5. Find a Supportive Community
   If you determine that there is something to the feelings you are experiencing, look for support in other queer women. These are the people who have been through the experiences you are about to have. Get involved. This is especially important if you don't have receptive or supportive people in your social circle.

Know These Common Fears And Misconceptions

You may not be sure that you are a lesbian. That's fine. You may or may not be a gay woman. But, don't allow your self-discovery to be marred by fears and misconceptions. Be aware of prejudices and stereotypes that may crop up in your thought processes.

No, you aren't a hateful person if you have internalized some falsehoods about lesbian relationships or queer culture. Many people are socialized to believe some things about being lesbian that just aren't true. There are even women who are openly gay who may hold on to some unhealthy or inaccurate beliefs.

The important thing is to be open to the truth, and willing to adjust your views in the face of new evidence. Also, don't let internalized fears stop you from learning about what gay and lesbian culture is like, or living authentically.

Here are some of the most common fears and misconceptions you might encounter.

Being a Lesbian is a Phase

• "You're a lesbian now? You'll get over it when you want to have kids."
• "Everybody goes through a lesbian or bisexual phase in college."
• "Maybe you should get checked for depression or BPD."
• "Girls just want the lesbian label to be cool and hang out at gay bars."

When you start to open up about your attraction to other women, some people in your life may say things like this to you. Worse, you may have thought these things about yourself or said them to other women. It's a common misconception.

Women who are exploring their sexuality may be accused of being emotional, attention-seeking, or confused. Yes, some people are sexually fluid. That's fine. It doesn't make your feelings invalid, or you are wrong for exploring possibilities. Also, many women who identify as lesbian maintain that sexual orientation consistently for the rest of their lives.

You Have to Choose a Label

You don't have to rush into giving yourself a label. If you decide that the word lesbian fits your identity, you can use that word to describe yourself. If that no longer fits in the future, there is nothing wrong with evolving into a new identity that works for you. Use descriptors that you relate to and that describe you as authentically as you can be right now. If you prefer, you can eschew any labels at all relating to your sexuality or gender.

People Are Going to Judge Me if I Come Out as Lesbian or Bisexual

Here, the fear isn't necessarily unfounded. Yes, people may judge you. There isn't much you can do about that other than surrounding yourself with people who care about you and want you to be authentic. Connect with the LGBTQIA+ community, and don't let anyone prevent you from embracing who you are.

Being Gay is Inherently Bad

There are very few places, if any, in the world where being gay and lesbian is not stigmatized in some way. Whether it's open hate and discrimination, stereotypes and negative portrayals in the media, or anti-queer legislation, most of us receive at least some messaging that being gay is bad and sexual behaviors associated with the LGBTQIA+ community are immoral.

You can't control how other people think, but you can confront your internalized homophobia. For example, maybe you find yourself judging some gay women for being too butch. Or, you judge other women for public displays of affection that you would find totally acceptable in straight relationships.

It's Safer For me If Nothing Changes

This is a big deal on many levels. Exploring your sexuality, and embracing the idea that you might be a lesbian is not a small thing. If you are feeling anxious and hesitant, know that these are normal feelings. But, they shouldn't stop you from going through this process.

Do I have to Come Out as Lesbian

This is a very personal choice. When lesbian ladies, gay men, or other members of the LGBTQIA+ community come out, that can be exceptionally empowering. It can also be very scary, and in some cases dangerous. You don't have to come out as lesbian until you are ready.

Building a Life You Love as a Lesbian

At the end of this process, you've accepted that you are a lesbian. You're ready to embrace your sexuality, and move through the world as a gay woman. Now, it's time to build a life where you can be yourself, explore your sexuality, and experience the happiness you deserve.

There is no right or wrong way to be a lesbian. You may feel comfortable being open about your feelings for other women with everybody. It's also okay if you take time coming out, and maintain some privacy. You don't owe anyone a coming out announcement, and you don't owe anyone your secrecy either. Do what works best for you.

Consider talking to a therapist. This isn't because being a lesbian is something you need to fix. It's because this is an emotional journey. Exploring your sexuality may bring up past traumas. Some women experience feelings of anger and regret, especially if they come out later. There's also the difficult matter of dating, coming out, and dealing with how other people respond to you. A professional can help you with healthy strategies.

Your First Lesbian Relationship

Once you discover that you are a lesbian, you may be interested in pursuing your first lesbian relationship. Perhaps, you have even experienced being romantically attracted to other women. So, where do you begin. It can be intimidating enough to approach a member of the opposite sex in this way. Lesbians and gay men must also consider safety and social rejection.

Setting Expectations For Your First Lesbian Relationship

You are sexually and romantically attracted to other women. Wouldn't it be amazing if your first lesbian relationship was the love of your life? Maybe it will be a sexually transformative experience that will make you wonder why you didn't make love to other women long before this!

Probably not.

In many ways, your first lesbian relationship will be like any other first relationship with someone you are romantically attracted to. Chances are, it won't be a forever thing. However, it can be fun and fulfilling. Set a goal of enjoying yourself and having your first dating experiences. Worry about a long-term lesbian relationship later.

Meeting Other Women

Many baby lesbians struggle to find other women to date. They may not have women in their circle who are attracted to other women, or fear coming out and asking another woman out. Here are some things you can try:

• If you know queer people ask them to help you with introductions
• Attend LGBTQIA+ events
• Go to concerts featuring queer or queer-adjacent artists
• Create an online dating profile that mentions you are attracted to other women
• Hang out in bars and other lesbian social spaces
• Volunteer with queer groups
• Participate in online communities with other people who are also romantically attracted to the same sex

Learn to present yourself in a way that makes it easier for other people to believe you are romantically attracted to women. No, you don't need to get an extremely short haircut or present yourself as butch when your aesthetic is decidedly femme. But, a little rainbow keychain or a Pink Pony Club patch on your backpack could get your toe in the door.

Know Your Comfort Level

You may be 100% sure you are romantically attracted to women. That doesn't mean you feel comfortable pursuing a lesbian relationship in just any context. For example, if you are still closeted to most people in your town, the local lesbian or gay bar probably isn't the place for you - yet.

It's perfectly okay to pursue your first lesbian relationship outside of your current geographic and social circle. Make an adventure of it. Grab a few friends you trust and head out to make that first date happen.

Know What You Want in a Lesbian Relationship

Not every person who is romantically attracted to women wants the same thing. Some love the idea of the bar scene, dating lots of women, and enjoying many sexual experiences. Others who are romantically attracted to women are interested in a long term lesbian relationship. That is something else that should influence your choices when you are trying to date women.

How to Support Lesbians

If someone in your life has come out as lesbian, you want to support them in a meaningful way. That requires respect, understanding, and empathy. Support isn't just a meaningless platitude. When you are a safe person for trans, bisexual, gay, and lesbian people, you make a difference. When someone who identifies as lesbian has a source of support, their mental wellbeing is impacted in a positive way. Here are some things to do to offer meaningful support to a gay woman in your life.

Learn to Listen And Validate

Sometimes, the most helpful thing is simply being heard. You don't have to solve problems or make suggestions. Just be there to listen when someone talks about their feelings and experiences. So many people underestimate how important it is for a gay woman to simply have the things she is saying heard and validated.

Learn About Lesbian Issues And History

Learn about issues that are relevant to female homosexuality. When you understand what a lesbian woman faces today, and what she has faced historically, you can be a better educated ally or accomplice.

Learn the terminology that is relevant to lesbian, gay, trans, and other queer folks. These aren't just made up words designed to complicate things or seek attention. They are just like other words in our language. We frequently adopt new ways of saying things to be more accurate and show more empathy. When you use the proper terms for gender identity and sexual orientation, you show your willingness to learn, communicate more effectively, and be respectful.

Show Respect For How People Identify Themselves

It is a clear sign of respect when you call a person what they prefer to be called. That's a lesson we learned back in grade school. We don't call Robert, Bobby after he asks us not to do that. The same rules apply to pronouns and names used by gay men, lesbian gals, trans folks or anyone else on the LGBTQIA+.

What if you get it wrong? That's okay! Just say it correctly and move on. No need to fall on your sword or be defensive.

Don't Make Assumptions

There is one common thread you will find from one lesbian to the next. They are all attracted to other women. Each person takes a different path to identifying as a lesbian. Once they arrive at that point, the way they live, engage with other women, and spend their time is unique to them. Assuming that a lesbian has certain views or enjoys certain hobbies is like assuming that all straight men enjoy golf and Nascar.

You Don't Have to Fix or Rescue

If someone in your life who is a gay woman is struggling, your first instinct may be to offer advice or fix things for them. Don't do that. This just disempowers people and removes agency. Sometimes, a person just needs to know that other people care.

Wait until you are asked to help. If you feel like it, offer help, but ask how you can be supportive of them.

Advocate - Even Better Become an Accomplice

Use your voice, writing, and position to stand up for lesbian and other women who are part of the queer community. Speak up when people say denigrating things or discriminate. Stand up for rights or equality. Learn about causes that are important for the lesbian you know. Consider donating to those or others that promote queer rights and health.

When you are ready, become an accomplice to the gay and lesbian communities. What is an accomplice? That is a person who understands that there are laws and systems that have long existed that marginalize gay and lesbian folks. They acknowledge that they have likely benefitted from these systems, even indirectly, and work to break them down.

Another way to be an accomplice is to amplify the voices of trans, bisexual, gay, and lesbian people. Share their social media content. Listen when they speak. Purchase their books. This is a way to give agency and empowerment to any lesbian you know.

Let Them Tell Their Own Story

Coming out is an act of bravery. If a friend or family member tells you that they are a lesbian, you might feel proud of them for making that announcement. Share your pride with them, not anybody else. You never want to share another person's sexual orientation or gender identity with other people unless you have permission to do that.

Celebrate With Them

Let them take the lead, but if they want to celebrate, take part in those celebrations with them. Attend pride events and other activities with them, if they feel comfortable with you doing that. At the same time, respect that they may also want to form connections with other women who are lesbian. They need these bonds and shared experiences.