Demisexuality: What Does It Mean to Be Demisexual?

Demisexual is a sexual orientation found under the aro-ace umbrella of sexuality. People who identify as demisexual experience what some refer to as a secondary sexual attraction, which means that the criteria of an emotional bond must be met before they can experience primary sexual attraction towards another person.

Terminology

There are many phrases and terminology that you might see when trying to understand the word demisexual. Here are a few of the more common phrases you might see when doing research about this sexual orientation.

Demisexual

The term demisexual is used to refer to someone who does not experience sexual attraction unless a certain criteria is met. They only experience secondary sexual attraction while others can feel primary attraction when it comes to sex. This criteria usually refers to the experience of an emotional bond with another person. However the meaning of the emotional bond can vary from person to person.

Demisexuality

Demisexuality describes how a person might feel attracted to another sexually. First, they need a strong emotional connection. It is only then that they feel sex favorable. If that close bond doesn’t exist, they simply won’t desire a sexual relationship.

Demiromantic

The term demiromantic is used to describe people who do not experience romantic desire or attraction until a certain criteria is met, usually the development of an emotional bond.

Demigender

Although they share the common prefix of the word “Demi” the phrase demigender is a completely different word from the term demisexual. However, due to common misconceptions, it is being placed here in order to promote clarity between the two terms. The term demigender refers to those who feel a partial connection to a particular gender identity.

• Demiboy: A person who partially identifies as a male, or with aspects of masculinity.
• Demigirl: A person who partially identifies as a female, or with aspects of femininity.

Asexual

A person who normally does not feel sexual attraction. They can still experience romantic attraction.

Aromantic

A person who normally does not feel romantic attraction. They can still experience sexual attraction.

AroAce

A term used to describe people who do not experience primary romantic or sexual attraction.

Asexual Spectrum

A group of sexual orientations that lead to a lack of sexual attraction for any gender. Some of these orientations include;

• Asexual
• Aceflux
• Aegosexual
• Demisexual
• Graysexual

Gray Asexual

A graysexual or gray asexual is a person who exists in a gray area between asexual and allosexual. Many people who embrace this identity describe themselves as experiencing sexual attraction on some level, but not in ways that others do.

For example, they may find someone sexually attractive but have no desire to act on those feelings. Sometimes, a graysexual person feels sexually attracted in very specific situations only. They aren’t quite sex indifferent, but they can feel attraction.

Aceflux

Flux is used as shorthand for fluctuation. A person who is aceflux may fluctuate between periods of having little or no sexual feelings to having an active sex drive.

Aegosexual

Some people feel a disconnect between themselves and being sexually aroused. They can feel sexual desire and be sexually attracted to others. They simply don’t want to have sex with other people.

Allosexual

This is essentially the opposite of asexual. Someone who is allosexual experiences sex as a primary attraction. However, there is still a wide range of sexual desires and intensities among people who identify as allosexual.

Primary Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction that usually refers to primary criteria, usually based on gender attraction, aesthetic attraction, intellectual attraction, and more.

Secondary sexual attraction

Sexual attraction that usually refers to a secondary criterion such as an emotional bond that needs to be met before someone is fully sexually attracted to someone.

History

It’s important to understand that words and phrases often come into existence long after the concept they represent first existed. That’s the case with this sexual identity. The word demisexual has only become popular fairly recently. Still, there have always been demisexual people and others who are part of the asexuality spectrum.

Demisexuality in Culture

There is a common misconception across almost all cultures that women only have an interest in sex when there is an emotional bond between themselves and the person they are sexually attracted to. While men are believed to be interested in sex with the person they feel sexual attraction to at all times, regardless of their emotional bond with the person.

These beliefs openly undermine the sexual autonomy of those who identify as women and those who identify as men. These beliefs can also encourage attitudes and behaviors that make contributions to rape culture.

Further, they are denigrating to men. This misconception that men are inherently sexually driven regardless of emotional connection essentially reduces men to their sexual desires. It assumes they aren’t capable of deeper feelings or emotional connections unless their sexual appetites are satisfied;

Where Did the Phrase “Demisexual” Come From?

The phrase demisexual was first used in the context we know it in, in the forums of the asexual visibility and education networks back in 2006. However, according to some sources it can be traced back to the Daily Californian in 1969. It was used to describe a people who feel sexually attracted to those they have experienced an emotional connection with. This term was created to challenge the belief that unlike allosexuals, asexual people do not experience any kind of primary or secondary forms of sexual attraction and that if they do feel sexually attracted to someone they are essentially dishonest about their sexual orientation.

The phrase demisexual was placed in the Oxford dictionary as a noun in the year 2022.

Demisexuality & LGBTQIA+

Is a demisexual person part of the LGBTQIA+ community? The answer is yes, because they fall within the category of asexual. However, this subsection of the acronym is a bit unique. Someone can be cisgender and straight, but also asexual or demisexual.

Flag and Symbols

Demisexual Flag

This flag consists of 3 stripes, a thick white stripe at the top, a thin purple stripe in the middle, and a thick gray stripe underneath. On top of these 3 stripes is a large black triangle, with the bottom edge aligned with the left edge of the flag and the point pointing towards the center.

• The black triangle represents the placement and connection that demisexuality has in the asexual umbrella.
• The gray stripe represents demisexuality and gray asexuality.
• The white represents sexuality
• The purple represents community.

There is also another version without the triangle.

Demiromantic Flag

A recoloring of the demisexual flag made to represent the demiromantic community. The colors and meanings are relatively the same except for the use of green instead of purple, which is used to convey a lack of romantic attraction.

Am I a Demi?

Demisexuality falls under the aromantic and asexual umbrella of the LGBTQIA spectrum. It is considered to be a form of secondary sexual attraction, and is used to help people develop a deeper level of understanding about the way that they feel sexual attraction through their sexual orientation. Here are a few signs that you may be demisexual.

• Any sexual relationships you have had have started off as friendships
• You begin to experience sexual attraction towards a person the longer you know them
• It takes a while for you to be open about the idea of having sex with someone, even if you like them a lot.
• Sex doesn’t feel like a priority or something that is important to you.
• You find yourself not thinking about sex unless you are in a relationship
• You stop feeling sexual attraction when the emotional bond is over

You may also experience questioning your sexuality, and that’s okay. For example, at one point you might wonder if you aren’t necessarily demisexual, but some other sexuality. Many people go through a process of discovery before they fully understand themselves. This is especially true when it comes to sexual identities that aren’t very well known.

Dating as Someone Who is Demi

Dating can be challenging for you. Hookup culture is prevalent, and you may feel as though you don’t fit in with many other singles. You want to get to know people without feeling pressured to engage in sexual activity when you are trying to develop feelings. That’s hard, unless you manage to fall in love at first sight.

One thing that may work for you is online dating. You can create a dating profile that sets expectations clearly. This way, you are less likely to attract people who are going to be interested in sexual activity within the first date or two. You may even connect with other demisexuals.

How to Support Demisexual People

Break Down the Misconceptions

• All Women are Demisexual
  This is a misconception that is planted into the minds of many due to the culture of many pieces of romantic media. It is a prevalent misconception that women only experience sexual attraction when they are in an active romantic relationship with someone, but this is simply not true.

• Men are only Demisexual when they are in a relationship
  Just like women, men can be demisexual regardless of their relationship status. All that matters is what made them experience sexual attraction in the first place.

• Demisexual people stop being demisexual when they start dating
  Just like when a bisexual person starts to date, demisexual people do not magically become not demisexual when they start to date others. They are still demisexual, and that secondary sexual attraction is important for the development of their relationship.

• All Demisexual People are Sex Repulsed
  Being demi means that you only feel sexual attraction if you have a strong emotional bond with someone. Just like other sexual orientations those who are demisexual will have their personal opinions about sex and intimacy, however being demisexual or someone who does not feel sexual attraction does not mean that a person is repulsed by sex. This isn’t even true of people who identify as asexual. You can be on this spectrum and never feel repulsed by sex.

• Demisexuality is About Morality or High Standards
  Some people make a conscious decision to avoid casual sex. They may choose this because of moral, personal, or religious reasons. Others simply don’t want to engage in sexual activity without having an emotional bond. This does not mean they are necessarily demi. Most people who make these decisions are still capable of experiencing sexual attraction without emotional connection. They simply choose not to act on those feelings. A person who is demisexual simply doesn’t have those feelings.

• Demisexuals Are More Sensitive And Have Deeper Emotions
  A demisexual person isn’t more capable of forming a close emotional bond. They don’t experience a unique range of emotions. Their sexuality is simply based on those connections existing.

Be Sensitive About How it Impacts Them

Your first instinct may be to treat a friend or family member as if their demisexuality is no big deal. You may be tempted to tell them that they just have “high standards” or that people won’t judge them. The problem with this is that this can feel dismissive of their lived experiences. Keep inside that demisexual people can be marginalized too.

But Don’t Make Assumptions About Their Emotional State

At the same time, you should not assume that demisexuals are all traumatized or that they have negative feelings about their sexuality. Many are self-assured and perfectly comfortable with the fact that they need close connection before they are physically attracted to someone.

Ask if They Want to Talk

If you have a close friendship with someone. and they mention that they are demisexual, let them lead the conversation. Ask if they want to talk, and how you can support them. Remember that this is not a problem to fix, and there are no right or wrong answers.

See if They Are Okay With Answering Questions

On one hand, understanding leads to tolerance and acceptance. On the other, people who are in marginalized communities shouldn’t bear the burden of educating others about who they are. It’s important to find the right balance between seeking understanding in a sincere way, and placing the emotional burden of educating you on another person.

The best approach here is honesty and sensitivity. If a friend or family member is comfortable speaking about their experiences or answering questions – great! But, it also makes sense that you educate yourself too.