What is Demi Orientation?

In recent years, more has come to light about sexual attraction. We’ve learned that sexual orientation is complex, multi-faceted, and exists on a spectrum. As people learn more about themselves, they seek out ways to understand and describe how they experience sexual attraction. Some people find that they only feel sexual attraction when they experience an emotional bond. If this is true for them, they may identify as demisexual. Here’s some more information on that.

Terminology

Here are some terms to better explain demisexuality and how demisexual persons experience sexual attraction.

Demisexual

The term demisexual is used to describe people who only experience sexual attraction when they also have an emotional connection with the other person. They have to know someone enough to have an emotional bond before they want to have sex.

People who identify as demisexual often consider themselves part of the asexual spectrum. This is because their sexual or romantic attraction is limited when compared to the average person.

Asexual

Asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction. The asexuality spectrum includes several sexualities and identities. This includes asexuals, gray asexuals, demisexuals, aromantics, and others. People who identify as asexual may feel no sexual attraction at all, and even be repulsed at the idea of sex. Others may feel sexually attracted in some circumstances.

Asexuality may exist as a stand-alone sexual orientation. In that case, the person only identifies as asexual (ace). In other instances, the person may identify with another sexual orientation. For example, heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian.

Neither demisexuality or asexuality are gender specific. People of any gender may use these terms to self-identify. Additionally, demisexual folks can experience sexual attraction to one gender or multiple genders.

Aromantic

The aromantic identity describes a person who does not feel romantic attraction. This orientation is part of the asexuality spectrum. Like other identities under the asexuality umbrella, it can exist on its own or along with other sexual identity markers. For example, a person can be both asexual an aromantic (ace/aro), or just aromantic – meaning they have sexual attraction just not romantic. Aromantics can also be gay, straight, bisexual, etc. They may be any gender and be attracted to just one gender or many genders.

Sexual Orientation

Sexual orientation is who a person feels sexually attracted. It is the direction in which their sexual attraction is aimed. The gender of the object of attraction is often a key component, but gender is not the only factor. Who you feel sexual attraction to indicates your orientation. But, sexual orientation is also about romantic attraction and emotional connection.

Sexual orientation can be complex. It may evolve, and an individual may not realize their full orientation immediately. Most people learn their sexual orientation when it becomes clear that their sexual attractions consistently involve a specific group or groups of people. It is also possible to feel sexually attracted to someone outside of your orientation. For instance, a straight woman might develop a strong emotional connection with and feel sexually attracted to another woman. Despite this, she may still see herself as straight.

Romantic Orientation

This describes the groups of people a person feels attracted to romantically. For many, sexual and romantic attractions exist together. For others, they are separate things. One may even exist for a person, but not the other.

Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction is the specific desire to have sexual contact with another person. Sexual attraction can be felt on a macro-level. For instance, you might feel sexual attraction to women. You may also experience sexual attraction on a micro-level when you feel sexual desires towards a specific person.

Primary Sexual Attraction

Primary sexual attraction describes being attracted to someone in a sexual way that is based on immediately available information. People who experience primary sexual attraction are capable of having sexual feelings or desire based on a person’s looks, smell, clothing, or humor. Demisexual people don’t usually experience primary sexual attraction.

It’s important to understand that sexual attraction is not sexual behavior. One person may feel comfortable engaging in sex based solely on the primary sexual attraction they feel. Others may not require a strong emotional bond to feel sexual attraction, but choose to avoid casual sex – waiting to feel a strong emotional connection or establish a relationship before having sex.

Secondary Sexual Attraction

Secondary sexual attraction is based on factors that are only revealed after getting to know the object of those feelings. People who experience sexual attraction must know the other person enough to feel an emotional connection. Demisexual people experience secondary sexual attraction, but don’t feel primary attraction. Romantic feelings may also be experienced as a secondary attraction. People who are demisexual only experience secondary sexual attraction.

Sex Favourable

A person who is sex favourable (favorable) is capable of enjoying sex or finding the idea of sex a positive thing. Because demisexual people are able to experience sexual attraction and enjoy sexual activity, they are generally sex positive or favorable.

Sex Repulsed

Some people feel repulsed by the idea of sexual activity. They have a negative reaction to the idea of themselves engaging in sex with others. They may even feel negatively about the concept of sex in general. Some, but not all asexuals are sex repulsed. While some people may develop repulsion as a result of trauma, it’s important not to pathologize it. As long as a person’s feelings about sexuality don’t negatively impact their life, this isn’t something that needs to be “fixed”.

Sex Neutral

Some people don’t feel a particular desire to have sex, but aren’t repulsed by it either. They don’t actively seek out sex with others, but may choose to engage in sex under certain circumstances. For instance, they want to bond with a partner and meet their needs.

Gray Asexuality

Gray asexuality or graysexuality describes people who see themselves as part of the asexual spectrum, but see themselves in something of a gray area. They may experience desire to have sex in certain circumstances or have fluctuating desires over time. Gray asexuality is different than demisexuality because a gray asexual may experience desire without emotional connection, but demisexual people require that bond as part of their sexuality.

History

To understand demisexuality, it helps to understand how the term and the concept of demisexuality evolved over time.

The term demisexual was first used in 2006 in an online forum, the Asexual Visibility And Education Network. Demisexuality describes a sexuality where attraction is only achieved after an emotional connection has been established.

While the word is relatively new, the existence of this sexuality has existed as long as sexual orientation or attraction have existed as constructs. While individuals may not have had a word to describe how they experience attraction, or their aversion to casual sex, this has always been a valid experience and identity.

Flag And Symbols

People use flags and symbols to represent the parts of their identity that are important to them, to indicate their membership in a group, or as a show of solidarity. There are some flags and symbols that resonate with asexual individuals.

The Demisexual Flag

In this flag, black represents asexuality, gray is for demisexuality and graysexuality, white is for the concept of sexuality, and purple is used to symbolize community.

Asexual Flag

Because demisexuality falls under the umbrella of asexuality, this flag resonates with members of this community. It uses the same colors as the ace flag with the same representative meanings.

Aromantic Flag

This flag adds a dark green stripe to indicate a lack of romance. The light green is meant to show the aromantic identity as a spectrum. White represents the platonic aesthetic as well as queerplatonic relationships. Gray is for those who are demiromantic. Black represents sexuality as a spectrum.

Demiromantic Flag

This is a redesign of the demisexual flag to use colors that represent demiromantic individuals.

Am I Demisexual?

How do you know if you are demisexual? First, understand that sexuality and the words you use to define yourself are very personal things. For instance, a word that another person chooses to speak about themselves may not make sense for you – even if you have many similar feelings or experiences.

Start by thinking about the things that make you feel sexually attracted to another person. Is it typical for you to feel those urges based on looks and other immediately apparent characteristics, or do other factors need to be in place, like a deep bond? Do you feel as if you don’t feel attraction without a close friendship or emotional connection? Remember there are no right or wrong answers.

What about your behaviors around sex? Have you enjoyed one night stands or other casual sex, or do you prefer to have a relationship and deep emotional connection before sex is part of a relationship. Focus more on your thoughts and feelings, because behavior isn’t always an indication of sexuality. For instance, you may have a history of engaging in sex without a close bond, because you were discovering your attractions and identity. But, if you realize you need that close emotional bond then you may be demi.

In the same way, avoidance of casual sex does not mean you are necessarily demisexual. You might feel intense attraction without a close connection but avoid sex without a bond or relationship for personal, cultural, or religious reasons.

How to Support a Demisexual Person?

If somebody you knows is or thinks they may be demisexual, the best thing you can do is support and affirm them. Remember that you don’t need to be a subject-matter expert or even understand their experiences. Often, simply being a positive presence who welcomes them unconditionally is enough.

If they are struggling, you can offer support while respecting their boundaries. If you are a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, you can help them feel welcome and comfortable in spaces where they may find acceptance and support. Even if you aren’t part of the queer community, you may be able to help them find resources such as local or online support groups.

One way to help and support is becoming educated, and ensuring you aren’t causing harm by being influenced by common misconceptions about demisexual or demiromantic individuals. Take some time to learn, and if possible become active as an ally or advocate. If there is an LGBTQ center in your area, that can be a valuable resource for education and information. Online resources like the Trevor Project, Pflag, Planned Parenthood, RAINN, and the Cleveland Clinic have emerged as valuable resources on sex, gender, reproductive health, and other topics that are directly or indirectly related to demisexuality.