The chemistry was definitely there, and now you find yourself thinking about her – a lot. The problem is this: you’re pretty sure she’s straight but you’re bi/pan and afraid to tell her that for fear of immediate rejection.
Your Dilemma
She has called, and you have set up that first date – a casual meetup at a local restaurant for dinner. So, here is your challenge:
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Do you reveal your identity upfront at this first meetup and risk immediate rejection?
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Do you take some time to get to know her, hoping that she will ultimately accept your identity and be willing to listen to your full explanation of how your identity does not pose a threat to that relationship? Here you risk her anger that you did not reveal this at first.
One thing for certain: Ultimately, you must be honest. But when and how that happens will vary based on your “gut” feeling about how things are going and how much intimate information she has been sharing with you.
The Reveal – Some Strategies
There is research and plenty of articles that provide information and advice about “coming out” – to family, to friends, and to the “public.” But none of these speak to your specific situation. This is one-on-one, and it will require a very personal approach.
You might want to consider these strategies and then be prepared for the reactions you might receive:
Determine if you are both on the same page on dating goals.
You may not even have talked about this yet, if your dating relationship is new. But the sooner the better for your own sake and hers. If you are looking for casual relationships without attached “strings” and she is looking for something more serious, she may decide to move on. Or she may want to continue to date you with the understanding that she may dump you if the “real deal” comes along. It’s also possible that she will continue dating you in hopes that you’ll change your goals.
Obviously, you’ll never have to have “the talk” if she chooses to move on. In the other scenarios, you will. And especially if both of you are looking for a serious relationship, the time is now.
Where to Have “The Talk”
It goes without saying that this needs to be a private conversation. And it probably should not occur in an enclosed public setting, no matter how quiet the place is.
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Invite her over to your place for dinner. This way, she’ll have her own transportation if she responds badly and wants to leave.
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Schedule a date for a picnic, a bike ride, or hiking, depending on your mutual interests. Find a private setting where you will be comfortable and uninterrupted
How to Begin the Conversation
This will be the toughest part of the entire conversation. You may want to try several versions for practice first.
The most important part of those first words will be to ask her to hear you out completely. This will be especially important if you two have both stated you are looking for a long-term partnership. Once you get her agreement, get right to the point, be as clear and simple as possible, and keep it as short as possible. This is why some practice will be necessary.
Here’s an example.
“So, we’ve had a couple of dates, and it looks like we both want to keep seeing each other. There is something I need to share with you, and I want you to promise to hear me out (wait for response).”
If Both of You are Seeking a Long-Term Relationship
Get straight to the point. Tell her that you are bi/pan and VERY BRIEFLY explain what that identity means for you. Go on to explain that attraction does not mean action, and that you will not take action on any attractions that may come as long as you two are together. Reinforce the point that you want a monogamous relationship with her.
If You Are Only Seeking a Casual Dating Relationship
You still must be honest and upfront about your identity. Get to the point, share the information, and state that you would still like to date her on a casual basis.
Be Prepared for Any Type of Response
She may get angry and dump you right then and there.
You may get a response that she wants to take some time to think this over before deciding to continue dating. Be prepared with some Internet articles that talk about bi/pan people. Respect her decision and wait a reasonable amount of time before making contact again.
You may get a lot of questions. Be prepared to answer. But you do not have to share your relationship history if you are not comfortable.
Most Important – Be Genuine
You have a right to your identity. And you also have an obligation to share that identity with anyone you date. Plenty of bi/pan people find love with a straight partner and remain in that relationship long-term.
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