While jealousy to a certain extent might show true interest, it can easily become overbearing and even toxic. This situation can cause a lot of stress to a partner and make the relationship very difficult for both parties. If you believe you or your partner might be showing signs of retroactive jealousy, here are some important things to know about it.
What Exactly is Retroactive Jealousy?
Retroactive jealousy is essentially an unhealthy obsession with who your partner used to date or be intimate with. This goes way beyond the interest on their part and starts to become way more intense and can create problems in your everyday lives together.
The biggest problem retroactive jealousy creates though is that the sufferer usually doesn't understand why they feel this way. It's often as if they have no control over their feelings and actions and finding out what this actually is can take some people months or even years.
Retroactive jealousy is actually a lot more common than you think, just like normal, ordinary jealousy, but less people know about this term. Sometimes it doesn't create problems for a couple, but other times it can be detrimental to the relationship.
Types of Retroactive Jealousy
Retroactive jealousy can appear in many different ways and have different effects as a result. Deoending on the different type you are experiencing, you might have different symptoms which lead you to act a different way. Here are the 3 types of retroactive jealousy and how they appear for every person.
Mild or moderate retroactive jealousy
This is the type of retroactive jealousy that is easier to deal with, especially when it stays stable and doesn't evolve to a more serious obsession. A person with mild or moderate retroactive jealousy will probably start thinking about their partner's past relationships but not in an obsessive way.
They probably don't love the thought of their partners having been with other people before them and this is something a lot of people deal with. In this initial stage, you might start to want to learn more about their past relationships and this can happen at any point in your current relationship.
The difference with the other types is that, while you start wanting to learn more about your partner's past and you are actively looking for information, you have not yet reached the point where this is all you think about or you start questioning your partner's values or morals.
Value questioning retroactive jealousy
The next type of retroactive jealousy one person might experience is in regards to their partner's past and how their values were shaped through these relationships. One one hand, it is normal to look at how your partner's exes view them or how their past relationships finished and think about what led to that situation.
This is something a lot of people will think of, especially if their current partners have a history of relationships which were short-lived and ended badly. The key difference here is that someone who is not suffering from retroactive jealousy is probably going to ask their partner about it and discuss these concerns with them.
The value of questioning retroactive jealousy might lead you to think about whether you share the same values with your partner and if you see things the same way. Each relationship is different though and just because you know about your partner's past doesn't mean you should expect your relationship to end the same way.
The previous partners of your significant other and their past relationships, should not become a reason why you question the values of the person you are with. Everybody makes mistakes and can choose sexual partners or affairs which end in bad situations.
You cannot expect your partner to share the exact same values as you do and if this becomes a problem between you, it might be that you are suffering from retroactive jealousy. If you feel like these thoughts are leading you to understand that you might just not be compatible with one another, discussing it with them is important.
Retroactive jealousy OCD
While scientists are not certain about what exactly causes OCD, it can heavily rely on genetic factors. Retroactive jealousy OCD is linked to the sufferers not being able to dismiss the thoughts that cause them to obsess over their partner's history.
These intrusive thoughts will become impossible to overlook and the person ends up acting on them by looking for clues their partners are doing something wrong, even when there are none. These repeated and obsessive behaviors can cause many issues in the relationship and ocd sufferers can have a very hard time coping with these unwanted thoughts and feelings.
Past trauma or even childhood trauma, traumatic experiences in affairs with past partners and even a very religious background can all be triggers that lead to a person developing retroactive jealousy. Jealous feelings are normal and most people will experience them at some point in their lives.
The problem starts when this becomes all you think about and you create thought patterns which lead you to a vicious cycle or hypotheses and obsessive thoughts about your partner's past relationships and how these can affect your future together.
“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self.” - Joan Didion
Common Signs of Retroactive Jealousy
As mentioned previously, there are many different ways through which retroactive jealousy manifests. From the more mild version to sufferers of more serious symptoms, this obsessive compulsive disorder can cause them to act in a delirious way which can make their partners very uncomfortable.
Here are some signs of retroactive jealousy to look out for, which mainly affect retroactive jealousy OCD sufferers:
Difficulty trusting their partner
One of the most common signs is showing difficulty trusting their partner, due to their past relationships. If they know their partner has had many romantic relationships in the past, this can lead to ideas of infidelity and they might have a hard time believing their partner is loyal to them.
Checking their browser history
Another way retroactive jealousy can manifest is through checking your partner's browser history to see what they searched on social media and if they are keeping anything from you. These behavior patterns can be very difficult to overcome and the sufferers find it very difficult to stop themselves even if they know it's wrong.
Snooping through phones and other personal belongings
Along with the previous point, it is very frequent for people who experience retroactive jealousy to search through their partner's belongings and read their messages. The negative thoughts that come with jealousy make it very difficult not to look through their social media accounts and see if they have sent any messages to someone you might not recognize.
Starting fights very frequently
When you are feeling jealous and can't get rid of those feelings, it is much easier to start fights. Whether you are feeling insecure or your jealous thoughts have gotten the better of you, you might seek to find ways to make your partner admit to having done something wrong.
Following them when they're going out
Another extreme behavior that individuals experiencing retroactive jealousy might exhibit is following their partners when they go to work or when they leave the house. They might not trust that they are saying where they are going or they might be suspecting that you are seeing a previous partner and those thoughts can lead them to act like this.
Constantly comparing their current relationship
Lastly, one more behavior ocd sufferers find frequent is comparing their current relationship to the past relationships of their exes. This is directly tied to the person's self esteem and self worth and these negative feelings manifest in a very toxic way. Your partner's past and who they chose to be with has nothing to do with the two of you in the present.
How can Retroactive Jealousy Affect Your Relationship?
Retroactive jealousy can have a detrimental impact in the future of your relationship. Whether you are the sufferer yourself or if you are with a partner who shows these symptoms, both of you must be having a very hard time being positive in the relationship.
The truth is that these recurring thoughts that manifest through mental health disorders can make a person overlook all the positive traits that exist in their relationship. No matter how good things are, this retrospective jealousy can destroy a new relationship as fast as it started.
No one likes to feel like their partner doesn't trust them, or that their past plays such an important role in their current relationship. People want to go about their daily lives and be supported by the person they are dating.
If they feel like their romantic past, as well as their sexual past is such an important issue to their partner, they will probably not want to continue the relationship. Making a big deal of your partner's past relationships can feel very intrusive and even insulting.
The truth is that it can be draining being with someone who you know will feel jealous over everything you do or say, even if there is no reason to be like that. Retrospective jealousy can affect the mentality of both parties involved and can create issues of trust which the couple might never be able to overcome.
Dealing with Retroactive Jealousy
After going through a few signs that a retroactive jealousy sufferer might display, it is time to look at what can be done in order to help them and help save your relationship.
Overcoming retroactive jealousy can be tough, but it is not always a lost case. Here are some things you can do in order to stop worrying over your partner's previous relationships and focus on the future instead.