You may be a transgender woman; you may be a straight or bi-male dating a straight or bi female; you may be the butch partner in a lesbian dating situation.
Whatever your current dating environment, if you are in the male role, there are some "traffic rules" as you navigate through any dating relationship with a female. If you are not careful, you may do things that are huge turn-offs and find yourself "out the door." And the worst part is this: some of your behaviors are so ingrained, you don't realize that most women see them as turn-offs.
Take a look at the behaviors women see as the biggest turn-offs when they date someone. If any of them sound like you, make some changes. Your dating life will improve.
You want to impress a woman, especially on that first date. So you spend a lot of time talking about yourself, your background, job, accomplishments, etc. Throw in some little white lies like how financially well-off you are, and you are on your way to being a cocky SOB who is the center of your whole world. No one likes a braggart, especially women who might want to talk of something other than you.
When this behavior becomes extreme, it is known as narcissism. Narcissists make very bad dates, not to mention anything after that. If you're looking for a one-night stand without any benefits, this behavior will get you just that.
One other note here. When the shoe is on the other foot this is also on a man's turn-offs list.
People are rude or disrespectful for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, you have had a bad day and, like most of us, tend to take it out on those around you, usually by making cross remarks. These are isolated, and most women will understand. The turn-off comes when it is a repeating behavior.
There are all types of disrespect - verbally rude comments; non-verbal actions like eye rolls, sighing, or gestures; being dismissive of the feelings of others; disrespect to specific cultural or ethnic others; being passive-aggressive, or, in some cases, acting aggressively.
Narcissists are disrespectful because the feelings and needs of others aren't important. But there are other causes too - they have a sense of entitlement, they feel inferior, they may have anger issues, they never developed a sense of empathy for others, or they are just bullies who must get their way. Sometimes it's a matter of being a control freak. And most people are turned off by this behavior too.
Disrespect is one of the biggest turn-offs for women. When they observe any of these actions, they immediately wonder how they will be disrespected too. And they may have even seen the signs by the second or third date - he walks ahead of them when they are going places; he is overly flirtatious with other women when they are out; he ignores her; he spends time on his phone and takes calls while he is with her. In a woman's mind, this is rude and disrespectful. If it's not in your mind, here's a news flash: if you casually dismiss these behaviors, you are in for nothing but rejections.
Some men, usually because of their upbringing, are misogynous. This means that they assume women to be inferior beings, that they are to be subservient to men, and to their needs. Men who believe that they are the superior sex right now are way out of sync and living in past decades. While you may not openly make misogynist comments, you may be doing so indirectly. Thus, you make bad statements about a woman who dresses too sexily, saying she is just asking for it. Really? In this day of female drive for full equality, this is a very bad move and another one of the biggest turn-offs for women. Face your sexism and check yourself.
Misogyny goes beyond just how some men speak to their dates. When they use terms such as "little lady," "sweet cheeks," "cutie," and such. These are demeaning terms of decades ago, and using them now indicates a man still in the depths of an old patriarchal society.
People who drink too much may have several responses - they get loud and obnoxious; they get sloppy; they become irrational in their talk. And to the woman they might be on a date with? They become an embarrassment and one of the major turn-offs. And even the person sitting at the next table at that bar will become embarrassed if you've had too many whiskeys and are making a fool of yourself.
Do yourself a favor. If you have a tendency to drink too much, get some help. No woman will give you explicit permission to be a drunk in her presence unless she is a drunk too. If she is, any dating you two do is doomed to disaster.
A first date is a "get to know you" kind of thing. And that may go for the next couple of dates too. You will completely blow it if you bring up sex too soon. Even "accidentally" dropping hints about how you'd like to get into her pants should be a big "no-no." You may be really sexually attracted to her, but coming on too strong, too soon, when she's super nice and just trying to learn about who you really are, is a huge mistake. Learn to take the lead from her. Sexual desire should progress gradually unless she has given explicit permission for this to be a one-night stand with no other commitments. If a woman senses that you see women as sex objects, she's outta there.
Everyone has opinions - they have a right to them, and they can be the topics of good and healthy discussions. Today, women work in high-end careers, and they are well-versed in the cultural, societal, economic, and political issues of the time. Men who believe that only their opinions count and who show no interest in listening to their date's opinions will find themselves without a second date. Self-confident, self-assured women will not tolerate being ignored like this - she's comfortable finding other dates that actually listen and engage in good discussion.
This is the opposite of the above situation. If you engage in healthy flirting with an intelligent woman, and you are ready to have that first date, you had best do a little research or watch a few news shows so that you at least have some semblance of understanding what is going on "out there" and can participate in some conversation that doesn't revolve around your little personal world.
Here's a news flash: you are on a date with one woman. If you are at a club or a party, and you begin to pay attention to other women, you are really not on a date. There are lots of gorgeous women out there that you can ogle. But it's unlikely that your date has given implicit or explicit permission for you to "work the room." This behavior is completely disrespectful, and, if your date calls an Uber and leaves, who could blame her? Best not to contact her again. You blew it big time.
There's quite a quote from African author and coach, Bernard Kelvin Clive: "If you can't love me in my rugs, you don't deserve me in my riches." This might be true in some situations, but certainly not when you're on a first date.
There's a current TV commercial about a first-date meetup. The girl is nicely dressed. The young man comes in with a wrinkled T-shirt. He takes one look at her and says, "You look amazing." She hesitates and finally says, "And you look...amazingly comfortable."
If your first date involves a rigorous outdoor activity, both of you will be sweaty athletes once the date is over. This is expected and normal. You may then both go to your respective homes and clean up for an extension of that date as scrubbed and clean.
If you just do not see careful hygiene as a priority; if you show up with rumpled clothes and dishevelled hair; if you sport dirty fingernails; if you have funky body odors or bad breath, not only do you look and smell bad, but you also look like you don't care about cleaning up for your date - kinda disrespectful. And who would want to kiss that? Men who show up looking like grunge rock stars don't get another date unless they are on stage with a guitar. Poor grooming habits are one of the biggest turn-offs for women who groom themselves well.
So you had a great time and you'd like to see this woman again. You tell her so. In fact, you say I'll call you tomorrow. Then, you get busy or you decide to give her some silent treatment just to make her worry a bit. Bad move. This early in the relationship, she can easily decide that someone who becomes suddenly distant is not a good bet, and she can move on to men who will be more attentive. If you really like this woman and want to see her again, tell her so and then follow up like you mean it. Empty promises say bad things about you, especially that you are not reliable and maybe not honest - qualities no woman wants. Big talk is cheap.
Early in a dating relationship, everyone tries to be on their best behavior. After all, you are trying to impress. You pay her lots of attention with calls and texts; when you are together, you listen attentively to what she has to say; you hold her hand as you are walking along; you pay her lots of compliments. Eventually, you start to become someone she doesn't recognize anymore - the affection, the attention, the compliments, the listening are going away. The question for you is, "Will the real you please stand up?" If you have tried too hard to impress and have been someone you are not, she will not be impressed when the real you begins to show up.
As Henry Cloud, author and self-help expert says, "Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen."
Find the right balance between being impressive and being who you really are - that's honesty.
Are you regularly losing track of time and showing up late? Do you get busy and fail to call when you say you will? Do you forget the details of her takeout order you are bringing for dinner? Are you starting to ignore the things she says? If you have moved in together, are you ignoring household chores? Are you moving furniture and other things around without her explicit permission? Equally absent-minded women will probably love you just the same. But for most women, these little things add up quickly, and you may ultimately be shown the door.
Women love quality time with their dates. And a big part of a woman's attraction to a man is that they are willing to give them that time. But if you initially turn a woman on and then that quality time turns into possessiveness, jealousy, and attempts to keep her from her life outside of you, she will eventually dump you. Attempts at over-controlling end badly every time.
Here's a real turn-off. While a man's notion is that this will show that he has no interest in their former girlfriends, the vast majority of women prefer that they just stay quiet about all of this. The women men have dat3ed in the past are of no interest to your date. You can poke fun at their looks; you can talk about all of their faults; you can trash their methods of raising kids or how she handles child-rearing in general; you can talk about how your former partner's interest was all about her and not you; you can make crass comments about her dress, her cooking, and her other "bad" habits. If you think this new girlfriend has given you any kind of explicit permission to do this, think again. Sure, she may nod her head as you talk, but in the back of her mind she is thinking, "And will he be making crass remarks about me if I dump him?" It's just not cool to do this - you diminish yourself in the eyes of the same and opposite sex. Just know that this is a huge turn-off for any date.
Women tend to expect to have a date with someone who has the same maturity level as them. If you are 25 and still acting like an 18-year-old high schooler, expect most respected women to lose interest pretty quickly. If you are drinking in excess and acting a fool in front of others, consider that to be a big turn-off to a date who is acting her age. She will simply be embarrassed to be with you. If you think you have any explicit permission to be immature, you are sadly mistaken. This is one of the biggest turn-offs for women out there, so don't be surprised if there is never another date. She'll look for a partner's behavior that is compatible with his age, not his sock size.
Unless you have a pre-established hookup for sex, an early date involves taking things slow, where sex is involved. If you make moves without her explicit permission, you are committing an act that is a total turn-off. In fact, one of the biggest turn-offs for women is a date who gets all physical from the beginning - unwanted touching, caressing, even verbal suggestions about what they might do after dinner or the club. Please know this is a huge turn-off for a woman who values getting to know each other before there is anything physical. You need to take cues from her about these things to avoid becoming a turn-off. If you take it slow, you'll probably get another date, and you won't become one of the biggest turn-offs for women.
It can feel like that. Any of these listed behaviors can become a turn-off to women you date or move into a relationship with. It would be a good idea to review them once in a while, especially if you are not getting beyond the first date. Try to focus on the general things that are the biggest turn-ons:
Get explicit permission before you do anything that will affect them
Understand that respect means several things - listening and responding to what they say, focusing on them during a date, acting your age, not getting wasted, not being rude to others, etc.
Don't go silent thinking that will make them want you more. Keep your promises.
Accept their need for time with other friends and time alone
Most of all, treat women as equals - because they truly are.
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