Three months. 90 days. Often, that’s the trial period when many people start a new job. After that probationary period, if all goes well, the employee becomes permanent with all of the benefits attached to the position. Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it? Both the employer and employee have time to check each other out and make an informed decision if they are a fit for each other.
If the three-month rule is a helpful guideline for good matches in business, it is probably a good trial period for those beginning the dating process with someone new. That 90 days allows a new relationship to develop, usually along some common stages.
Just What is the Three-Month Dating Rule?
The idea behind the three-month rule is that two people need time to really get to know each other before they decide they are a good match and make any kind of a commitment. Many experts believe that this is enough time for each partner to make that decision, based on their dating experience over this time. It’s a guideline of sorts, so that couples can get beyond the infatuation and decide if there is enough compatibility for a strong foundation.
Now, this three-month rule is not a hard and fast one. But, if you are in a new dating situation, give it at least three months before you get that U-Haul, merge your bank accounts, and permanently share a bathroom.
The Normal Progression of a Relationship
There are three stages as any relationship develops, and they do roughly follow the three-month rule.
Stage One – the Honeymoon Phase
Often called the “honeymoon” stage, this period is when two people begin dating. They have met, and each person is “head over heels.” Things feel exciting and new, and each person sees the other as the next best thing to “sliced bread.” They want to spend as much time as possible together and are sort of joined at the hip. With all the stars in their eyes, their dating becomes a whirlwind of togetherness. This honeymoon phase is also called infatuation. Any potential red flags are completely overlooked as things that either don’t matter or things that will work themselves out in their own way over time. Each person is looking at the other through those proverbial “rose-colored glasses.”
Stage Two – Getting to Know Each Other
Once those glasses are off, each partner begins to show signs of their true selves. As they learn more about each other, the first impressions of “perfection” peel away, as they keep dating and begin to talk more about real life. They will share their likes and dislikes and talk about their lifestyle preferences. Here where some potential conflicts will pop up.
For example, one partner cannot imagine living in the “busyness” and noise of the city, while the other one loves an urban lifestyle. They may begin to talk about the idea of compromises where they don’t agree on things.
It’s also when little irritants may pop up. One partner is messy; the other is a neat freak. One person only wants to listen to country music; the other hates country and prefers reggae.
They may also get into stuff about their past, their family, and certainly their interests, hobbies, religion, and even politics.
Yes, reality is setting in, and things you may not have noticed before, you certainly notice now. These can be green flags or signs of red flags. While the three-month rule says that this period of time lasts about a month, there is no definite time frame. It may be longer, especially if you two do not see one another or talk as often as other couples. The point is this: both need to take their time, use good communication skills, and begin to analyze if the relationship is worth pursuing more.
Stage Three: The Meat of the Matter
So, here is where the “rubber meets the road.” The end of the three-month rule trial period is in full swing, and it’s time to get to the really important stuff, especially shared values. Time for those deep conversations about goals, principles, ethics, finances, and, yes, the future. A healthy and fulfilling relationship means two people are on the same page on these important things that will matter over the lifetime of a partnership. Dating is one thing – forming a long-term duo is something else entirely.
Do your partner’s behaviors match with their stated values? If not, it’s a clear red flag. Are they honest, proven to be trustworthy, and do what they say they will? Are they too clingy, too independent, domineering, or jealous? Do they truly listen and honor your opinions? All of these are behaviors to look for.
In the end, after the honeymoon phase, after the getting to know you phase, and after the deep dive into who each of you really is, there should be a decision. It may be at the three-month mark; it may be before or after. But at some point, enough time has passed for two people (or just one) to decide that they are either finding love that is meaningful or not.
Applying the 3-Month Rule to Your Dating
If you dive into a serious relationship just because it is exciting, chances are you have dived into many of them before. What you may be lacking are some strategies and tips to help you analyze what you are doing and feeling. Yes, the 3-month rule is a pretty good one, but how you use that three-month period is really the key – both in advance prep and during the dating process.
Advance Preparations
You can’t just guess and fly by the seat of your pants when you start dating someone. If you don’t know what you want out of a relationship, you will not know if your dating partner will ultimately be what you expect.
- Identify what you want from a relationship. Do you just want casual dating forever? Do you want a long-term partner? Make sure you have a clear idea of what you are after.
- What are your red lines? These are you non-negotiables. Most healthy relationships involve compromise. But there may be things you are absolutely unwilling to compromise. These are dealbreakers, and there is no reason to go forward if the person you are dating wants you to throw out one of these. For example, if you must live in an urban setting or you absolutely do not want any children, make sure you explore these early on. No point in wasting your time and energy.
Spend as Much Time in Stage 2 as Necessary
Again, the three-month rule is a guideline, so the first three months will vary. The honeymoon phase may not last a month, for example. But the most important thing is that you spend enough time to really get to know this new boyfriend or girlfriend before you move into the phase where you are really talking about mutual goal setting and the future.
Meet some of their friends; how do they interact? Go out for meals; how do they treat the wait staff? Meet family members if possible and observe the family dynamic. Ask questions that will reveal their opinions about things that are important to you. Even ask for their advice on something you may be struggling with. Have some meaningful conversations about what is important to them, how they see themselves five years from now, and what they are passionate about.
When these conversations happen, you will come to know this person you are dating and begin to see if they are someone you want to move forward with. Basically, it’s better to find out now than later that there are key things that are incompatible.
Again, stage two of the three-month rule may not apply here. You may find out early on that your values do not jibe and end the dating; or it may take longer than a month to assess compatibility. Take your time – no rush, no pressure.
Your Feelings Matter Too
During stage one of infatuation, your feelings are the result of initial chemistry, including the dopamine that is on overdrive in your brain. Once you get past that, you need to begin to check on your feelings as you go through stage two toward that three-month mark. Is your attraction and desire still strong when you are not physically with them?
Think About the Dates and Times You Have Had Together
Be honest with yourself. During this time of the first three months so far, what has happened on your dates from the beginning until now? Have they dominated the conversation, or have they showed genuine interest in you, your interests, your opinions, and your values? Do they really listen to what you have to say and validate your feelings and opinions? These things are critical to the future of a healthy partnership in the future.
Are you totally comfortable with all that has happened on your dates, on your calls and messages? Does it look like this person is genuinely committed to hearing what you say and honoring you? Only you can answer this question right not, in this moment, and then make a decision on the chances of this relationship being a good one.
Focus on Communication
During the three-month trial period, your primary purpose must be on communication. Only in this way, will you be able to get enough information to make a decision in the end. Are they consistent in their answers and what they state are their interests, goals, and values? And you need to be clear and honest with the same things about yourself. If both f you cannot communicate openly and discuss important issues, (and that includes really listening to the other), the chances for a long-term relationship are not good. In short? Communicate a lot.
Making the Decision
One thing about the three-month rule? It’s not carved in stone, and no one is pressuring you to make any kind of decision at all after going through all three stages. The decision may just be to keep on dating just like you are. That’s cool too. Maybe neither one of you is ready to make a commitment. Good for you.
No Two Relationships are the Same
The three-month rule is anything but hard and fast, so don’t be calendaring a timeline for your budding relationship. Some couples know quite early on that they are really made for each other, and that U-Haul is ordered. Others know early on that it’s not going to work, and they split long before the 3-month rule has even a chance to be put into place.
But if you are in neither of those extremes, then you should focus on making your journey enjoyable and having fun with this new relationship. Focusing too much on the 3-month rule will put pressure on you to “check the boxes” rather than just relax and savor the good times. And while you savor those good times, here are a few more tips:
Be Flexible
No one is asking you to compromise those non-negotiables but try to keep an open mind about the person you are dating. Maybe they don’t meet all of the details you have had in mind as your perfect mate, but you might be surprised by the qualities they have that may become more important to you. Your feelings may change – life is like that.
Focus on Quality Time Together
Make the most of your dating by spending time doing the things you both enjoy. And add to those times introducing each other to new experiences. This gives you both plenty of time to communicate but also to get a feel for what each other enjoys doing. Relationships are built on sharing both similarities and differences. Being exposed to new activities gives more chances to talk about things. Life is just more enjoyable when trying new things.
Check In with Your Feelings Along the Way
The 3-month rule doesn’t provide for regular check-ins. But you heart does not follow a 3-month rule. It registers your feelings at all different times, so you should always be asking yourself how you feel about this dating partner and about how the relationship is going. Your heart and your gut are big indicators of a relationship status. And as that relationship moves forward, you should feel comfortable enough to ask your partner how they are feeling about you and the relationship journey too. In these matters, the 3-month rule just doesn’t always apply.
Above All, Trust Yourself
Whether your current goal is a relationship of casual dating or a commitment for something more long-term, you will usually be safe trusting yourself and what you are feeling, no matter what the 3-month rule may say – after all, it is a suggestion and a guideline, not something hard and fast.
There will be signs and signals in any relationship as it progresses. You will get them from within yourself and from your partner too. There is no relationship handbook that will have all of the answers.
Remember, in all relationships, there are emotions involved, and they do not follow the rationality that is used to make other decisions in life. Take the relationship development moment by moment, day by day, and week by week. When you know, you’ll know.
Share this post:
