So, you are in a lesbian relationship. And it’s pretty new. You may not know a lot about each other yet, but that’s about to change. Because if you expect this relationship to grow into a healthy and stable one, you need to know far more about each other than just the initial attraction, that first date, and talk of your favorite things. You are now in the “honeymoon” stage, the “glow” of it all is wonderful, and you are walking on clouds.
From that first date forward, and for several date nights after, whether in-person or online via video, you remain in this early stage that most lesbian couples experience. But as this early stage moves forward, reality begins to set in, and you both realize that, while the chemistry of that first date remains, you don’t truly know much about each other. Lesbian dating, like dating for all sexual orientations, must progress beyond that initial “feel good” stage into progressive stages of learning more and more about one another.
Think first of all about your first date and a few that followed. Of course, you asked questions of each other, but they were probably pretty superficial and lighthearted.
As your relationship goes through these progressive stages, the questions to discuss in a lesbian relationship will become deeper. So, lets take a look at this progression in detail.
Stage One – Early Dating Questions
This stage goes from the first date through the time when you are both getting comfortable and feeling safe talking to one another about deeper things. There is no timetable for this, though many experts say it is roughly the first 6 months. It’s a question of staying connected and developing enough trust. It is sometimes also called the “initiating phase”
Once the basic first date questions are covered – what part of town or town you both live in, what you do for a living, and such, it’s time for what are best known as “icebreaker questions.” These are designed as a “get to know you” better and can be a fun way to take the relationship forward. These should be “light,” and you should be ready to answer the same questions yourself. Here are some sample questions during this conversation stage:
- When you’re not working, what’s your favorite thing to do? This gives each person a chance to talk about their interests, hobbies, and passions.
- Do you have a favorite book or author?
- Have you binge-watched any TV channel series? Which was your favorite?
- When you want a quick break during your workday, what do you do?
- What is your absolute favorite movie?
- What type of music is your favorite?
- What’s your idea of a fun day?
- What do you admire most about your best friend?
- Do you have pets?
- What’s the last vacation you took?
- What’s your favorite memory from you childhood?
- How many kids were in your family, and where are you in the lineup?
- What would your friends say is your best quality? Your worst?
- If you could live anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A couple of important tips here:
First, this phase should be either in-person or during video calls. Why? Because it will be important to watch her nonverbal behaviors as you listen to these date questions. If you have not studied body language, you might want to take a crash course, so you have a basic understanding of what that body language says about your partner’s answers.
Second, these questions may result in more discussions. Be sure to keep an open mind and an open door to these. You’ll gain valuable insight.
Playing This or That
Here is a way to inject fun into first date questions and beyond that one. These will require quick partner answers and maybe make her laugh but will give you great insights into her personality and whether you two are on the same page in some key preferences.
Here are some examples of the “this or that” game to supplement those first date questions and beyond. You can actually find examples of these on any number of blog posts, but these should be helpful to draw from.
Personal Choices
- Summer or winter; spring or fall
- Sweet or spicy
- Tea or coffee
- Morning person or night owl
Food Preferences
- Vanilla or chocolate
- Home-cooked meal or takeout
- Mexican or Italian
- Beer, wine, or hard liquor
Lifestyle
- Outdoor or indoor activities
- Movies or books
- Bargain or designer clothes
- Shopping online or in-store
- Live concerts or playlist
- Karaoke bar or quiet lounge
- City or country living
- Comedy, romantic, or horror films
- Video/online games or board/card games with others
Travel
- Camping or resort?
- Fly or drive?
- Big city or beach resort?
- Casual destination or luxury and glitz?
- Outdoor adventures or quiet retreat
Career
- Office setting or remote?
- Team work or solo?
- Own business or employee?
Future Goals and Plans?
- Married or Single?
- Urban, suburban, or rural?
- Own or rent?
- Pets or no pets
- Retire early or normal age?
This or that is a quick and easy way to get to know other women and give you insights if they might be a partner to hang with and see what happens. And there are plenty of other categories to explore – life experiences, humorous hypotheticals, season and holiday preferences, etc. Check them out online.
And those responses will give you a key to ask this potential girlfriend some follow-up questions that may make or break your decision to move forward. You’ll get a strong enough feel for where you want to go. It’s a good process for the early “just friends” stage.
Your job is to lead the questioning, yes, but also to be a careful listener when she responds and decides to pose her own. All of this can lead to good discussion on many matters.
Stage Two – The Experimental Phase
This stage is for the two friends to continue their seeking of more information about each other – conversation that may take them from that fun and friendship phase to a potential partner phase. This may include more personal questions that go beyond just sharing of interests and personal experiences. There may be discussion of such things as the first time they realized they were queer (or gay in the generic sense) and when and how they came out. While still not at the stage of revealing innermost thoughts, trust is building, and both partners feel safer letting each other into their worlds. When compatibilities are found during these dating conversations, both partners begin to see each other as girlfriends.
Discussions might include such things as:
- The biggest fear about coming out as a lesbian
- Specific challenges faced by being openly queer – with straight friends, family members, in the workplace, and in society as a whole
- The first time they had lesbian sex and were there any surprises that came with that
- The best and worst experiences in dating as a lesbian
As queer lesbians, there can be a closer connection formed when the two share their personal lives and experiences. And it can result in even more trust and confidence in a movement forward to the next relationship stage.
Stage Three – Intensification
During this stage, the dating relationship becomes deeper. The daters find themselves spending more time together and having deeper, more meaningful conversations. They also begin to confide their dreams and life goals with each other. Of course, they still play together, having dates that are fun and enjoyable, but serious discussions are are a safe space for both of them because of the connection that has been made. They are willing to be vulnerable and interested in talking about their fears, their personal goals, and their dreams about the life they envision for themselves
Discussions might include topics such as whether they intend to be married or not, whether they want kids, their need for independence and dependence, and what they want a partner to contribute to the relationship. These discussions are getting more important, and it is up to both partners to really listen to what the other is expressing. Trust between both of these lesbians has clearly been established.
Stage Four – Integration
While before, these lesbian queers have maintained their separate identities, the integration stage represents a major shift that is now taking place. They see themselves as a couple rather than two separate people in a dating relationship. This is a big change for them both. They begin to merge their social groups; they introduce each other to family members; and there is now some interdependence in many parts of their lives, including their stories as a couple, not as separate individuals. The conversations and discussions often center around the common goal setting that comes from making a commitment. Discussions may center around these types of questions:
- Where will we live?
- If one of us is transferred somewhere else, will the other go too?
- If we want to have kids, how long shall we wait before becoming parents and what process will we use?
- How will we balance our work and personal lives?
- What parts of our lives will remain independent?
It will be critical during this stage to listen carefully to one another, and to honor and respect how each of you feels about these important topics.
All of these discussions will prepare you both, as a queer couple, for the final stage of your relationship.
Stage Five – Bonding
Now that the couple has a strong sense of what their commitment looks like, their dating behaviors don’t have to change. But they date as a full couple, not as individuals who are simply in a casual dating relationship. But bonding takes the commitment to a new and deeper level. They process decision-making together and take steps to “symbolize” their gay partnership and their shared values. Here are points for discussion when this final stage is reached:
- How will the commitment be formally recognized? An engagement and ultimate marriage, or some type of commitment ceremony?
- If a permanent partnership is to be formed, what types of legal documents will be needed – power of attorney? Beneficiary changes? Health insurance via employment? This is kinda the “dry” part of the relationship, and it will vary by local and state law, but it is important that each partner feels secure in their new setting.
- What are the short- and long-term goals to work toward? These are shared decisions that require plenty of discussion.
Through all of this, it is important to remember to continue to have fun together and to give one another the space they each need to pursue individual interests and activities. Creating healthy partnerships requires both.
To Recap…
Gay couples are no different from any others in going through the stages of relationship building. The differences are inside – how and how long each stage may last. Each stage – from “what’s your favorite thing to do in your spare time” to “what’s your favorite place to go to relax,” to “when was the last time you were in a relationship and why did it end,” to the sharing of mutual challenges, goals, dreams, and to commitment and final bonding – will vary. These variances may mean that couples spend much more time than average in a stage, or they may sail through a stage quickly.
The important thing is that lines of communication are always there, and discussions are open and honest. And, having fun together through each stage is a must.
And One Final Word
If you are tired of using traditional methods of meeting lesbian chicks – friends fixing you up, chat rooms that lead nowhere, even speed dating events – then it’s probably time you took a look at the Taimi app.
Taimi is an online dating service and so much more. First, it’s the world’s largest dating platform exclusively for the LGBTQIA+ community – 29+ million users and growing daily. Among those millions, there are hundreds of thousands of lesbian chicks looking to make connections. Taimi walks you through the registration process, help you create a great profile, and then takes your information, churns it through it legacy matching system, and presents the perfect matches for you to consider – gals you never would have met otherwise, even in your own backyard. Check out Taimi – you’ll be happy you did.
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