Sexuality. Sometimes it’s called sexual orientation. In short, it refers to the extent to which people experience sexual attraction, their sexual feelings, how often they feel sexual attraction, how often they engage in sexual activity (how sexually active they are), how often they desire sex, and so forth.
The Sexuality Spectrum
Now sexuality, low or high sex drive, sexual arousal, sexual urges, strong, moderate, or low sex drive has nothing to do with gender identity.
Straight, gay, lesbian, trans, bisexual, non-binary, and all other identities within the LGBTQ+ population have sexual orientations.
And the sexuality spectrum runs the full range of sex drive and sexual activity. There are those whose sex drive has them wanting sex several times a day; and there are those who could be termed sex negative, that is, wanting little or no sexual activity, at the other end of the spectrum. They are called asexuals or members of the ACE community.
And that is the purpose of this article – to dig deeply into asexuality in all of its many faces.
The Many Faces of Asexuality
A Basic Definition of Asexuality
Let’s begin with a general definition/explanation of what it means to be asexual. Asexual people do not experience primary sexual attraction towards other people. This is not the same as a low sex drive or absence of sexual desire necessarily, although some asexuals are fully sex repulsed.
Some asexuals do experience sexual desire, entertain sexual fantasies, and have sexual relationships for a variety of reasons – to have children, to please a non-asexual partner, and such.
Asexuality if not a choice. Nor is it any kind of medical condition. It is a sexual orientation that is not gender specific, although it may be fluid along the way.
There is an asexual spectrum that goes from the fully sex repulsed, to being sex negative, to sexual attraction of certain types, and that is the purpose of this article – ACE sexual identity runs along a spectrum.
So, let’s talk about all of the asexual subtypes along this spectrum. And there are a bunch. But when you finish reading this treatise, you’ll be an expert on the matter.
Platonic Love
Centuries ago, in Ancient Greece, the philosopher Plato, who lived til the ripe old age of 80 (unheard of in that time), wrote a ton of literature and treatises. Some of these dealt with the subject of love and sex. One very important treatise was titled Submissions. In it, he had a group of fictional characters discuss the subject of love and sex. The conclusion of these fictional characters was a consensus that the highest form of love was and intellectual and emotional connection without any sex involved at all.
Today, there are platonic couples all over the planet with those intellectual and emotions connections who have no interest in sexual activity. They are on the asexual spectrum as an asexual subtype.
Aceflux
The key word in this term is “flux,” short for fluctuation. And that is just what these asexuals do – change their sexual orientations, though they still remain on the ACE spectrum. They may become a demisexual or a gray sexual (more on those later), or they may experience sexual attraction, even though infrequently.
Asexuality should not be confused with a low libido or sex drive. It’s just that most in the ACE community do not want a sexual partner.
So, here’s an example. An asexual person has total sex repulsion at some point in time. But then, their concept of the asexual label changes. Their libido wakes up, and they find they have a sexual interest. Maybe it’s with some celebrity they will never meet but can fantasize about (that’s safe); maybe they fantasize about that as they masturbate; maybe they go out and have a one-night stand just to see what sex feels like.
Another example? An Aceflux might join some swinger online dating sites and use those to be a voyeur, because watching other engage in sexual actions turns them on.
But overall, the Aceflux person remains within the ACE spectrum and keeps to the asexual identity.
Aegosexual
This is an asexual subtype that is sorta like the Aceflux. But the aegosexual does not fluctuate between sexual contact and no sexual contact.
The aegosexual may read or view sexual content, engage in sexual fantasies, and often engage in masturbation while doing so.
They may join adult sex websites to be voyeurs; they may watch porn; they may read hot steamy short stories and novels. They may even attend swinger parties, perhaps at Pride events, and simply be a bystander to watch others engage in sexual activity.
But at no time, does an aegosexual feel sexual attraction towards another live person in their midst.
Again, a reminder. Aegosexuals may be of any gender identity, just like anyone with an asexual orientation.
Apothisexual
The thing that distinguishes apothisexuals from most other asexual subtypes is sex repulsion.
The repulsion is not on moral grounds (that is being sex-negative). Apothisexuals are simply repulsed by sex, even to the point of becoming physically ill, if not just totally uncomfortable.
To avoid being exposed to sexual activity, they will avoid all forms of media where it promises to be present – romance literature, movies and TV shows, and any online sites that may feature sexual feeling, sexual arousal, sexual interest, sexual fantasies, sexual desire, or sexual activity. This eliminates almost all media that is not documentaries, science, news, educational, or financial in nature.
Aromantic Asexual
Also known as Aroace, these are people who do not feel romantic attraction or experience sexual attraction to others.
You might wonder, then, how they have any fulfilling relationships at all. In fact, they do. Aroaces have wonderful platonic relationships with others – even platonic relationships as a couple that can last a lifetime. Like many others on the asexual spectrum, they do engage in sexual activity to have children.
The key traits of an Aroace are as follows:
- They do not like hanging out with couples or at places where romance and sex may occur
- They don’t like hanging out at places where someone may flirt with them (a social event like a party)
- They are perfectly comfortable being single
- They do not like reading or watching stuff that has lots of sex and romance.
- They value friendships with both the same and opposite sex.
- They may experience sexual attraction (or romantic attraction) in frequently, but it never lasts long.
Plenty of people think that an Aroace may have a mental health condition and should seek therapy. In fact, they are sex negative and romance negative because that is built in to who and what they are. No amount of therapy will change an internal identity.
Autosexual
Sometimes called egosexual, this asexual subtype refers to those in the ACE community whose sexual orientation and attraction is only towards themselves. They’re not into getting turned on by fantasies, media depictions of sexual attraction or sexual relationships of others, reading or viewing sexual intercourse of others. They feel sexually attracted only toward themselves and find sexual arousal and sexual interest only in pleasuring themselves.
Cupiosexual
Cupiosexuals are clearly on the asexual spectrum. This term was first coined in 2014. The word “cupio” means longing.
Cupiosexuals have little-to-no sexual attraction, sexual desire, sexual feelings, and do not experience sexual attraction towards others. But even shough they are not sexually attracted to others, they do have sexual desires and enter into sexual relationships with people for other purposes:
- To have children
- To bond with a partner who is not asexual. They have a romantic orientation and a strong emotional connection
- To satisfy the sexual orientation of a partner and strengthen their emotional bond.
Demisexual
This asexual subtype is a bit more complex than some others.
Demi is a prefix meaning half. So, the literal definition of the term is “half sexual.” But this doesn’t really describe what has come to be known as “demisexual.”
The term was first coined in 2006 when a user of the Asexual Visibility and Education (AVEN) forum used it to describe the sexual orientation.
In its simplest form, the term demisexual refers to someone who does not experience sexual attraction until they have formed and emotional bond with someone. This could be a romantic relationship, but it could just as easily be some other type of emotional connection as well – perhaps a mutual aesthetic attraction, for example.
Now here’s a key distinguishing difference between demisexuals and others who choose to not have sexual activity with someone until, for example, they are married or in some type of permanent partnership. It is a choice for them.
But demisexuality isn’t about having sexual activity. It’s about feeling sexual attraction to certain people after an emotional connection has been made. And that emotional connection may be of any type, not just romantic. It’s not a choice. It’s the way they are.
Demisexuals do not experience sexual attraction to another person instantaneously as is common with an allosexual who experiences sexual attraction upon meeting someone else for the first time – maybe at a club, a social event, a concert, or some other venue.
For demisexuals, the experience of sexual attraction happens over time, as they get to know someone. And there must be some emotional connection or close emotional bond that is formed – not necessarily a romantic attraction. It can even be a platonic connection.
It’s also important to note that demisexuals may be of any gender identity – straight, gay, bi, trans, or even non-binary. In fact, many demis identify themselves as such – demibisexual, demigay, demilesbian, etc.
The other important note here? A lot of demisexuals do not see themselves as a part of the ACE spectrum but prefer to be known as independent of any LGBTQ+ identity. This is, of course, their right and their choice. Their real life experiences and lifestyles are theirs to choose, and if they do not see their demisexual identity as a part of the LGBTQ+ asexual spectrum, that is just fine for them. It’s a personal choice to be honored and respected.
Fraysexual
Also known as ignotasexual, these asexuals are sort of the opposite of demisexuals. They can experience primary sexual attraction to someone in the early stages of their relationship. They will experience sexual arousal with another person, love the physical contact and the sexual actions. They find themselves wanting sex. But over time, as a romantic relationship and an emotional connection is formed, they lose their sexual attraction.
Some fraysexuals describe their situation in moral terms. They believe that once they develop feelings for another person, it is somehow not right to have sexual activity with them. And the attraction fades.
So, is a fraysexual capable of a long-term partnership with someone? Well, certainly two fraysexuals certainly have that potential. But what about a fraysexual and a non-fraysexual who wants both a strong emotional connection and feels sexual attraction at the same time?
The answer to this challenge is communication and compromise, as a couple works out the solution that best suits their needs. They may, for example, agree upon an open relationship. The fraysexual can engage in sexual activity with relative strangers for whom they experience sexual attraction, and the non-fraysexual may find strong emotional connections elsewhere too. Or the fraysexual with a strong emotional connection to their partner will agree to also be a sexual partner for the sake of the partner’s happiness.
This is real life in the world of fraysexuals, indeed, many people on the Ace spectrum. Romantic orientations and sexual attractions can become both confusing with an impact on mental health conditions too. And if mental health does become a concern, it’s important to seek help from a professional who has expertise in mental health conditions of ace spectrum people.
Gray Asexual
Other terms for this sexual identity are graysexual, gray a, or grey ace
Here is a person who is sorta in between being asexual and allosexual. They tend to navigate more toward the asexual side of the sexuality spectrum but do have or have experienced sexual attraction.
Sexual attraction for the grey ace is usually of low intensity, or they feel sexual attraction very infrequently. And they tend to have ambiguous feelings about sexual attraction. Which can, of course impact navigating their world of relationships and their mental health too. Let’s dig a bit deeper.
Some of the most common traits of a grey ace include the following:
- They do not prioritize sexual attraction when they seek a romantic relationship
- They do not see sex as important for a relationship in the same way that others do.
- They feel sexual attraction sometimes, but not too often
- They prefer to show love and affection in other physical ways.
- They wonder, “Is it just me or are there others out there who feel the same way?”
And there are some misconceptions about graysexuality that should be dumped too.
- They just haven’t found the “one” yet, and when they do, they’ll experience sexual attractions and romantic feeling in “normal” ways.
- They’re just going through a phase right now – it’ll blow over. No, it won’t. Gray sexuality is a sexual identity and orientation that is built in.
- They cannot enjoy sex at all. They may experience sexual attraction at any time, even though it’s infrequent. And they may actually enjoy sex without the added complication of sexual attraction.
How Does a Gray A Operate in Relationships?
Gray asexuals may experience enjoyment having sex with their partners but mostly for the emotional bonding it brings. While the sex drive of the gray asexual is low, they do enjoy pleasing their partner.
Gray asexuals do experience romantic attraction and will pursue relationships with others who are similarly inclined. this can work out very well for both. Two gray asexuals can and do make great couples.
Gray asexuals will also have sex if they want children. But feeling sexually attracted is definitely infrequent and not a strong drive at that.
Lithosexual
Also known as akoisexual, a lithosexual is an asexual person on the Ace spectrum. It is someone who experiences sexual attraction to others until they feel attraction being reciprocated. Then, they lose their attraction. It sounds weird, but it is a valid sexual orientation and a part of an asexual identity.
Many lithosexuals just don’t seek out a sexual relationship at all, although just as many do have romantic relationships without sexual activity being in the mix.
Being a lithosexual can be combined with any other sexuality – straight, gay, lesbian, trans, or any other sexual orientation on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.
This list is made up of the most common sexualities on the asexual spectrum. But there are many lesser-known types of asexuality which are worth noting.
Lesser-Known Sexualities on the Ace Spectrum
If you want to be a full and complete expert of every asexual orientation, then here are some identities within the Ace spectrum that many have not heard about. But you can use this article as a reference when you want to discuss all of the asexual types and “strut” your knowledge.
Reciprosexual
This asexual identity refers to anyone who does not and cannot feel sexual attraction to another person until they have confirmation that the other person is sexually attracted to them first. In other words, they will reciprocate sexual attraction.
They do not feel sexually attracted to others in any other circumstances.
Acespike
Here is a person who is asexual most of the time. But once in a while, they have an unusual, sudden, and intense spike of strong sexual attraction. These sexual attractions are quite short in duration, their sexual desires are taken care of, and then they go back to having no desire for a sexual relationship until the next spike.
Acespikes are likely to have single night hookups because there are no strings attached and both go their separate ways afterward.
Fictosexual
How many of us read romance novels or watch TV shows and movies that depict couples in in the throes of romantic and sexual relationships. And we love those happy endings.
But for the fictosexual, it’s a bit different. They actually feel sexual attraction to these fictional characters rather than to real life people. In so doing, they may self-pleasure (masturbate) while having fantasies about these fictional characters.
Bellussexual
This is a type of asexual identity known as a microlabel. It’s a bit tough to understand, but basically it refers to people who have an interest in some aspects of sexual activity or sexual relations. But they do not feel sexual attraction and do not want any kind of a sexual relationship themselves.
This is probably a recipe for voyeurism, that is, watching sexual activity of others, either on adult websites or attending swinger parties as an observer.
Caedsexual
This is another microlabel that falls withing the Ace spectrum. It is reserved for those who were probably allosexual at an earlier time in their lives but who are now asexual because of some trauma that occurred in their lives. It’s really a factor of PTSD. And PTSD is a mental health condition that does require therapy.
Myrsexual
This is another microlabel on the Ace spectrum for asexual people who are confused about where they fit on the Ace spectrum. Sometimes, they act as a gray sexual; sometimes, they act as a fictosexual; and sometimes they may act like a demisexual.
In short, myresexuals are confused. And that is why they have a specific microlabel that they can relate to and connect with others who share the same confusion.
Requissexual
This defines someone who has little-to-no sexual attraction or interest in sexual attraction because of emotional exhaustion. The roots of that exhaustion can be many but suffice it to say they are just fully tired of sexual attraction, usually because of past experiences. These may have been a really bad breakup, a relationship with a narcissist, and such.
This qualifies as a mental health issue and will require therapy to overcome this asexual identity and begin to experience sexual attraction again.
This is a lot to absorb. But there is more to come. One of the most important aspects of asexuality is unpacking all of the myths and misconceptions that people tend to hold.
Busting the Myths
By and large, people who are not familiar with the LGBTQ+ community have limited knowledge and understanding of what a sexual orientation means, much less sexual attraction and romantic attraction mean to this population and specifically what it means within the asexual spectrum.
When such people are exposed to description of any sexual identity within the asexual community, they developed their own ideas and explanations about what is really going on with asexual individuals. And so, there are a lot of misconceptions floating around that need to be debunked:
Asexual Types of People Have a Disorder
Except for a couple of Asexual types that have resulted from trauma or emotional exhaustion, Ace spectrum people do not have a psychological disorder.
What asexuality is, is a valid sexual orientation and sexual identity within the ace spectrum, people who do not experience sexual attraction as society insists “normal” people do.
Being asexual has never been named a disorder by any psychological or psychiatric organization, like homosexuality was (until 1973). The American Psychiatric Association, in fact, no longer considers anyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, including asexuals, to have any psychological or psychiatric mental health disorder.
Asexuals are not Capable of Love or Intimacy
Totally wrong. People who do not experience sexual attraction are very capable of romantic and intimate relationships. Even an aromantic asexual has intimate relationships with friends and family members. Their intimate and romantic relationships just don’t include sex. Again, unschooled society has to equate love and romance with sex. Just read any book about romance or watch TV and movies. Romantic couples end up in bed.
Asexuality is Like Celibacy and/or Abstinence
Celibacy and abstinence are choices that humans make for a variety of reasons. And those reasons have nothing to do with the lack of sexual attraction. Some people decide to abstain from sex with another person until they are married; some, who join religious orders, take vows of celibacy as a part of the requirements for entering those orders.
Asexuality is not a choice. It is a built-in sexual identity and is a part of who they are.
They Don’t Experience Sexual Attraction Cuz They Haven’t Found Their One
No. They don’t experience sexual attraction because they just don’t have it. That’s what the asexual identity is all about. It’s never about finding the right person for themselves. They just aren’t sexually attracted, even if they have an emotional connection. Now they may experience sexual attraction for short periods (Acespike, fictosexual, for example), but their primary identity is an asexual orientation.
All Asexuals are Repulsed by Sex
Well, some on the asexual spectrum are indeed repulsed by sex. But most others are not. They may be indifferent about sex and never experience sexual attraction; they may experience sexual attraction infrequently; or they may have sex with partners for other reasons – to satisfy their needs for sex or to have children, for example.
It’s important to make busting these myths a regular and continual process. The more educated the general public is, the greater the acceptance of asexual people will be.
And because the general public does not understand the asexual person, those on the asexual spectrum may have some pretty negative experiences.
Negative Experiences of Those on the Asexual Spectrum
Everyone in the LGBTQ+ community faces unpleasant (or worse) experiences. And asexuals are no different. The most common experiences of those on the asexual spectrum are these:
Erasure and Invisibility
Much of the discussion surrounding Queer sexuality, sexual identity, and sexual orientation leaves out those on the asexual spectrum. It makes asexual people feel that they have been erased or are invisible to even those within the LGBTQ+ population. Being ignored is never a good feeling, and asexual people resent their exclusion.
Misunderstanding
Much of the general public has not heard of the asexual spectrum. And when they do hear that someone claims asexuality as their sexual identity, they insist that it’s not a valid sexuality, that it is a mental health disorder. In fact, it’s a dismissal of who they and everyone else in the asexual community are. And if they don’t call it a mental health disorder, they insist asexuals will be sexually attracted when they find the right person, and, once they do, sex will be normal and healthy for them.
Really, it’s a form of prejudice.
Pressure
Even if it is mild, members of the asexual community do face pressure from their sexually active friends and family members to “get with it.” And they may purposely put them in situations where others engage in sexual talk and behavior, making them extremely uncomfortable – places they have no desire to be at all. Actually, this is almost a form of coercion, and it makes asexual people feel invalidated.
Challenges of Coming Out
No one on the asexual spectrum should ever feel that they have to come out to anyone – not to friends, co-workers, family – not to anyone. And it is certainly no one else’s place to out them – that is the highest form of betrayal.
But when asexual people do choose to come out, it’s not as easy as someone who is gay or lesbian. People understand those sexual identities pretty well, given the amount of discussion and media attention they get.
But when people on the asexual spectrum come out, it’s not just a matter of saying they are asexual. They have to go into an explanation of their sexual orientation, what it means to be asexual, and explain that it is not a conscious choice but built into who they are at the core of their being. It’s tough for others to accept and understand because they have been so influenced since childhood to believe that love, romance, and emotional connections always ultimately involve happy sex too. And it’s for this reason that asexuals hesitate to even come out at all.
Now, there is a silver lining in all of this. Anyone on the asexual spectrum will be able to find validation, support, and a community to belong to. They can connect with others on the asexual spectrum, share experiences, support each other in meeting their personal challenges, and contribute to their own and others’ mental health. Most of these communities are online, and those on the asexual spectrum can hook into several of them – someone else will always be there.
And getting support is important. So how can the general populace be pulled into the realm of supporting those on the asexual spectrum?
Homework for Those Who Can Support Asexuals
Those people in our troubled world who believe in DEI (diversity, equality, and inclusion) have an obligation, and that is to be a part of the larger picture and conversation that promotes asexual people in their pursuit of acceptance and validation.
So, here’s what you can do to promote what you believe in.
Get Educated
You may not know a lot about asexuals or the asexual spectrum, but now is the time to learn. How do you do this? In many ways.
- Do your own research. There are tons of online resources to do this. Start with those. Read this article first for starters.
- Join forums focused on the asexual spectrum and talk to the asexuals you will find there. Ask them to share their experiences and challenges and let them talk as much as they want. Don’t probe into areas that might be too personal – after all you’re a stranger and an outsider. But is you stay on those forums, trust will be gained, and you’ll learn a lot more about asexuals and how and why they don’t experience sexual attraction. Ask them how best you can support them.
Educate Others
As already explained, the general public knows little-to-nothing about those on the asexual spectrum or even what asexuality is or means.
It’s up to you to spread the word, no matter how small your “world” may be.
- Are you on social media platforms?
- Do you belong to clubs and organizations?
- What kind of social life do you have? Do you attend parties and events? Do you get together with the girls or guys for social activities?
No one is suggesting that you come on strong to advocate for asexuals. But, in the course of conversation, the topic of what everyone has been doing lately will probably come up. This will be the perfect time for you to explain what you have been doing, how you came to be interested in the asexual spectrum, what you have done to smarten up, and the impact that your conversations with asexuals has had on you.
You can give a brief explanation of what you have learned – even that much will do some good.
Respect and Validate Those on the Asexual Spectrum
When asexual people identify themselves as such, don’t ever move in with tons of questions. They will feel threatened and uncomfortable. Instead, let them talk and actively listen. You’ll learn how this sexual identity operates in the real world. And if you keep this article on hand, you’ll be an informed “expert” who can validate their sexual identity and know just how and why they don’t experience sexual attraction the way you do.
Use the Right Language
Let an asexual take the lead in describing themself with words and terms they are comfortable with – aroasexual, gray asexual, fictosexual, gray a, demisexual, and such. If you are not familiar with words and terms they are using, ask. Lexicons evolve over time, and there very well could be some terms about sexuality and attraction that you don’t know.
Become a Public Ally
If and when you hear others pass judgement, criticize, condemn, invalidate, spout out myths and misconceptions about the asexual spectrum and the asexuals within that spectrum, speak up. You have the facts they don’t.
This kind of approach of others shows their ignorance and prejudice. It’s a lot like the current trend among conservative politicians and other influencers to insist that there are only two genders and two sexes and anyone trying to be something else is either mentally ill or desire to discredit traditional societal norms of right and wrong.
Just overall, show your support for those on the asexual spectrum and the fact that their desires to be accepted and respected are important. They have every right to their sexual orientation and to not feel attraction to others; they have every right to reject sex and sexual activity (except in certain situations) and to be on that asexual spectrum as their specific subtypes.
Afterall, our goal should always be to push for a more accepting and inclusive society.
Let’s Recap…Here’s What You’ve Learned About Asexuals
If you have carefully read and absorbed the content of this article, here is what you have learned:
Sexuality Falls on a Spectrum
Sexuality runs the full gamut from those who desire sex often and frequently (allosexuals) to those who are fully sex negative or repulsed by sex.
And there are multiple points on this sexuality spectrum in between those two extremes. Both the most well-known and the not-so-well-known identities on the asexual spectrum show the diversity the asexual community represents. Yes, they do not experience sexual attraction in ways our society deems “normal,” but within that community on the asexual spectrum, they exhibit their sexual orientation differently.
There is a Basic Definition of Asexuality
Those on the asexual spectrum do not experience primary sexual attraction toward others. It should not be seen as people who have a low desire for sex or who choose to abstain from sex for specific reasons or who choose celibacy as a lifestyle, usually for religious reasons. To be asexual is to have the lack of sexual attraction built into who they are – they cannot turn it on and off.
Some asexuals experience sexual attraction, although that attraction is usually infrequent or only under certain circumstances. There are many subtypes of asexuals, detailed in this article.
Asexuals may be of any gender identity and sexuality – straight, gay, lesbian, non-binary, trans, and more. Their asexuality is a separate identity.
There are Many Faces of Asexuality on the Asexual Spectrum
As we explained earlier, the asexual spectrum is widely diverse. Most asexuals can and do experience romantic attraction or at least platonic attraction toward others while they continue to not feel sexual attraction or desire (except in some circumstances and even those are infrequent).
Wading through all of these faces on the asexual spectrum is a daunting task, but this article has certainly streamlined that task.
The important thing to take away from all of this is that the asexual spectrum is comprised of individuals whose identities as asexuals are personal and very individualized. It’s important to accept and embrace all of them – they deserve validation.
It’s Critical to Bust the Myths and Misconceptions
No group of people can thrive if there are myths and misconceptions circulating that undermine their very existence. And there are plenty related to those on the asexual spectrum. Here are the most commons:
- It’s just a phase that they will get over
- They just haven’t found the “one” who will turn their lives around and make them feel sexual attraction like “normal” people do.
- Asexuality is a mental disorder, and only intensive therapy can help them overcome it.
- Asexuality is the same as abstinence and celibacy. It’s a choice to not feel sexual attraction.
- Asexuals are not capable of intimate and romantic relationships
These myths must be busted.
Negative Experiences of Asexuals are Real and Painful
Asexuals have negative experiences on a regular basis.
- They face erasure and invisibility. Discussions about queer sexuality, orientation, and identity often leave out the asexual population. Asexuals feel ignored and resent their exclusion from such discussions.
- Misunderstanding out of ignorance. When many hear about asexuality, they don’t understand what it is and so they insist that it’s not a valid sexuality but some kind of mental health problem. Once that problem is dealt with, they will feel sexual attraction that is “normal.”
- Members on the asexual spectrum will face pressure from friends and family members to be placed in uncomfortable situations – activities and events where couples who obviously feel sexual attraction towards one another are present. Somehow, these friends and relatives believe that placing asexuals in these spaces will cause them to “mend their ways” and “see the light.” Again, they are ignorant and really not open to being properly “educated.”
Asexual Face Challenges When They Come Out
While no one on the asexual spectrum should ever feel internal pressure to come out. It’s tough because they cannot trust that others will accept and understand why they are not sexually attracted to others in what most believe to be “normal” ways.
Most will understand when gay and lesbians come out, for example, but asexuality is such a lesser-known sexuality, many will never have heard of this identity.
So, they must go into an explanation of why they are not sexually attracted to others and, more important, what it really means not to feel sexual attraction or desire. The other part of that explanation is that their lack of attraction is built into who they are, not any kind of a choice they have made. This is the toughest thing for others to understand.
It’s not surprising that those on the asexual spectrum are hesitant to come out.
And anyone who “outs” an asexual commits the ultimate betrayal.
How to Support Those on the Asexual Spectrum
There are some who are sincere in their desire to support asexuals in their need to be recognized and validated. These people have work to do.
- They must educate themselves as fully as possible
- They must seek out asexuals who are willing to talk with them and share their experiences in a world that is so focused on sex.
- They must become advocates within their own circles – social media, organizations they belong to, and within their own social circles – not “pounding” their points but carefully and deliberately getting the word out. This takes finesse and diplomacy, but it is an honorable and valuable mission.
We’re Finished
You are probably relieved. You also probably had no idea that the subject of asexuality and all of the subtypes on the asexual spectrum could be so complex.
But the goal of this article is to educate and to put forth the key idea that human sexuality is diverse and complex. And, more important, that if we are to become a society that is inclusive of everyone, no matter what their gender identity or sexual orientation is, we must continue to put pressure on the influencers and leaders – political and social – to adopt a message of acceptance and understanding.
Are we far from achieving this? Yes, we are. Traditional mores and the prejudices that come with them are alive and well, both in the US and the world. And currently, we are seeing some clear attacks on the entire LGBTQ+ population, from our top political leaders on down. This does not bode well for asexuals, as a part of that population.
So, what can we do as individuals? We must work to bring about change in our leadership. We must respect and advocate for all identities, including our asexual population. Your task? Become a part of the solution, not the problem.
“Live and let live” is a wonderful adage for all of us to live by. No one imposes their lifestyle, their values, and their prejudices on anyone else. And everyone is free to pursue their goals and dreams being exactly who they are.
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