Last Updated 13.03.2023
4 min read

Sapiosexual Dating And Relationships - When Sex is Not Enough

Alan Schin (he/him/his) is the Chief Editor at Taimi. He wears several hats daily as a writer, editor, blogger, and content contributor. He began his university studies as a Psychology student but found his passion in Advanced Communication Studies. Alan loves having the opportunity to write and help our content team shine. According to Alan, his education helps him to understand the dynamics behind dating and socialization better. When he isn’t busy with Taimi, Alan works on his first novel, a sci-fi thriller, and creates works of art in his ceramics studio.

Sapiosexuals form a rather unique minority group in the LGBTQ+ spectrum. They may identify as having any number of sexual orientations within that spectrum, but the one overwriting priority for them is to have a relationship, both romantic or sexual with another person based on intelligence. In fact, sapiosexuals are sexually aroused by the intelligence of a partner above all else. What does this mean for dating and relationships?

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Table of Content

    It is About Sex 

    If you are simply drawn to intelligent people under any circumstance, you may be a sapiophile. That's slightly different than a sapiosexual who is sexually excited by signs of intelligence and the people who show them. 

    A sapiosexual may identify as any gender or sexual orientation but that is secondary. Their primary sexual attraction is to intelligence. Because of this many sapiosexuals are sexually fluid. This means they will often choose sex partners based on intelligence more so than gender or other traits.

    It Isn’t About Romantic Attraction

    Sapiosexuality is not about romantic attraction. This does not mean that the sapiosexual can't form romantic attractions. They certainly can. Think of it in the same way that you would homosexuality. Yes, a gay person absolutely can form romantic attractions. But they are identified as homosexual because of their sexual attraction to the same gender specifically.

    Because they are focused on intelligence, physical appearance is a much lower consideration for the sapiosexual. Additionally, there are other relationship factors that are not as important to sapiosexuals. For example, having common goals and interests are less important than intellectual compatibility.

    Sapiosexual Dating

    You’re dating a sapiosexual. Now what? How do you keep them interested in you, and give them great dating experiences? 

    Plan Dates That Are Intellectually Stimulating

    Some of the more traditional date activities aren’t all that interesting for sapiosexuals. Think intellectual stimulation, because that will lead to sexual stimulation.

    Try a bookstore! If you can find one that has a lovely seating area where you can have a coffee and discussion over your newfound reading materials, that’s even better! Find a book that interests them and grab two copies. Then, you can discuss it as you both read. Also, don’t forget about the library! You might be surprised at the ambiance many libraries have, and some even have cafes for patrons.

    Go to a museum, but do some homework first. A sapiosexual won’t want to walk through a museum and ‘admire’ the collections. They’ll want to discuss the exhibits in-depth. Do some research so that you can hold your own.

    Movies are fine as long as you pick the right one. Try a documentary or an indie film that is intellectually challenging. Be sure to plan for some quiet time over dinner afterward to discuss and debate what you saw. 

    Disagree With Them!

    Sapiosexuals enjoy debate and having their ideas challenged. This is a real sexual turn-on for them, but only if you can hold your own in these discussions. Faking it until you make it just won’t fly.

    What About Affection And Foreplay?

    If you turn a sapiosexual on, then they will eventually be very eager to have sex with you. Sapiosexuals aren’t asexual. They enjoy various sex acts. The difference is in how you get to that point. For them, sexual arousal comes from stimulating conversations, intellectual arguments, etc. Cuddling or foreplay isn’t exciting for them. Save the physical stuff for when they are ready to go.

    Things to Consider When Dating a Sapiosexual

    You will have to power up your own intellect

     to make dating progress with a sapiosexual. You’ll also need to rethink how you view the dating process entirely. Here are a few things to expect.

    Your Relationship Will Progress Slowly

    The path to a deeper relationship with a sapiosexual takes time. This is true whether your goal is a committed relationship or one that is purely sexual. 

    Foreplay Isn’t The Same

    You can’t think of foreplay like you normally do. When you date a sapiosexual, foreplay isn’t any sex act other than intercourse. It’s conversation, debate, sharing ideas, and learning things together.

    Solution: Get to Know Their Interests

    Put down whatever you are reading about being better in bed and engage with your partner! Learn about their interests. Then, you can plan dates around the intellectual activities that most turn them on.

    You May Feel Inadequate

    If you date a sapiosexual, you may worry that you just aren’t smart enough. It’s challenging to be ‘on’ intellectually and keep up with the conversations they want to have.

    Solution: Have Them Teach You!

    There’s a way around this. Draw out the sapiosexual. Ask them their thoughts and opinions. Have them explain their views on different issues. They aren’t just turned on by your intellect. Most are excited on their own and are able to share that.

    Conclusion: Sapiosexuality is an Authentic Sexual Identity

    While many are heteros, there are just as many who fall within the LGBTQ+ spectrum, as they can be quite fluid. The gender identities of their partners take second place to intellectual compatibility. There are obvious dating and relationship challenges, but they can be overcome if the circumstances are right.


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