Red Flags in Men

Stoplights. Once roads were built, and cars became a popular mode of transportation, they were inevitable. And necessary. We get onto roads, and we expect that we will be safe if everyone watches carefully and pays attention.

The dating climate has become crowded too. Singles now venture out of their own communities, meet other singles, and look for love relationships with those who are not known by friends or family. It’s kind of exciting, really. The field has opened up, and we meet possible new partners that we would never have met otherwise.

But remember those stoplights. they are the perfect analogy as you move into new relationships, whether online or in person. Green flags mean a “go;” yellow flags mean “caution;” and red flags mean “whoa, stop.”

Let’s take a deeper dive into those “whoa, stop” common red flags that you don’t want to miss in a guy you are dating. They show up in his behavior, so here’s what to look for.

Red Flags in Men

If you are beginning a relationship or considering moving a relationship forward up a notch, you may want to take a look at these common red flags in men that get ignored because of those stars in your eyes. Time so brush those away, take off the rose-colored glasses of infatuation, and have a personal reality check. If you are seeing any of these in the man you date, time to take a step back for a reality check.

He Exhibits Controlling Behavior

It starts out with some minor things that actually impress you. He takes you shopping and wants to pick out clothes that he thinks you’ll look great in. He even foots the bill. You’re excited and thrilled that you have a new wardrobe. No man has ever done this for you before – what a nice guy!

This could be the first of many manipulative tactics that are designed to dominate you. It may start subtly but gradually the controlling behavior moves into other areas of you life – what you do in your free time, time spent with friends and family members, making you feel guilty when you don’t do what he asks, and more.

Remember the movie “Sleeping with the Enemy?” This is controlling behavior at its extreme. It is toxic behavior and can become both emotionally and physically abusive, making you feel unsafe and isolated from those friends and family members who really care for you.

It’s fine if he wants to buy you things. It’s not fine when you begin to see that as a step toward controlling other areas of your life. Set personal boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Keep being the free and independent person you have always been. If he breaks it off because of this, you’ll know that he is a first-class jerk. Good riddance.

He Claims All of His Exes are Nuts

OK. So, this is one of the biggest red flags on the platter. It’s not like the song, “All my exes come from Texas.” It’s all of my exes are crazy. If this is how he describes all of his other relationships, what does that say about you? You know you are not nuts, so is this his first healthy relationship ever? His mental health, not those of any ex-partner, should be in question.

This guy is not taking responsibility for his part in former breakups, and he is simply making excuses for why his other relationships ended. Don’t buy into this. Get out while the “gettin’ is good.”

He Disses Others and is Arrogant

Here’s a huge red flag. From the first date forward, observe how he treats others, especially those who he considers beneath him in social stature – service workers, for example. If his meal is not right, how does he voice his complaint to the wait staff? If he has to stand in line for a while, how does he treat the worker when he finally gets to the front?

What does he do in his spare time? Does he have any activity or cause that is of service to others or the planet? To have a healthy relationship, you want someone who shows some care and/or concern for others. If he doesn’t show this, chances are he really does not have care or concern about you either, and eventually his true nature will show to you too.

Arrogance is a really bad trait. It’s an exaggerated sense of self-importance and total lack of self-awareness of any faults. Someone who is arrogant does not have compassion for others, has little patience, can be rude, always has to be right, and just generally lacks emotional intelligence. The only kind of conflict resolution that will satisfy him is one in which he wins. If your current guy exhibits these kinds of behaviors, there will be lots of toxic dynamics in your relationship. Best to get out.

He’s Love Bombing You

During the first stage of a relationship, you are infatuated. And when he treats you like the best person he has ever met, you are impressed and have a sense of having found “the one.” He plies you with gifts; he wants to spend all of his free time with you; he takes you to wonderful places on dates. In short, he “bombs” you with attention and love, and you become his top priority.

He pushes you into a commitment and a relationship quickly. His behavior has you overwhelmed, and it’s tempting to give in and make that commitment.

Step back and take a breath. How well do you really know him? Love bombing is typical of a narcissist. And once he has you in his grasp, things will change. He’ll begin to criticize, even the small things and send you on a guilt trip that you are just not doing things right. It’s the only way he can keep giving himself a sense of superiority. He lacks emotional intelligence and has to make himself feel good at the expense of others. You are one of those “others.” Your friends and family members may see this behavior and try to point it out to you. Listen to them. Sometimes, an objective outsider can see what you cannot.

He’s Overly Jealous

This is one of those red flags in men that may have two possible causes, but it is a huge red flag no matter what the reason.

Men who are overly jealous may suffer from insecurity. They see every relationship you have with someone else as competition, and, in its extreme, results in toxic behavior – getting into your phone, tracking your movements, and just violating your physical boundaries. when you are out together, they watch who you talk to and become visibly upset if you enjoy any conversation with someone who can be seen as competition.

The other cause for extreme jealousy has to do with the need to control. Again, a toxic behavior and a major red flag. When you are out with friends, at happy hours after work, or even just out shopping, they will constantly call you, check on your whereabouts, and ply you with questions about details of your time away. This is a classic abusive relationship – no adult has the right to control another adult’s life like this.

Your well-being is at stake here. How long can you live being smothered like this? You are losing your personal space and independence. You can’t and still keep up your own mental health.

He Gaslights You

Gaslighting is a devious form of manipulation used by those who want to control their victims. You are in a romantic relationship, and things seem to be going well. Over time, though, he begins to feed you false information. You didn’t remember something right; you are overacting to a situation; your perception of something is wrong. Over time, you begin to doubt yourself, even your sense of self and your core values. The whole purpose of the gaslighter is control, and the potential harm can be devastating.

It’s hard to recognize gaslighting because it begins so subtly with little things and gradually builds up. Expert gaslighters can actually become cult leaders. Your gaslighter is probably not that expert, but if you find yourself questioning how you remember events or being on a bit of a guilt trip because you have been told you are overacting, proceed with caution. Rely on friends and family to keep you grounded if you begin to doubt your memories or perceptions of things. Don’t ever let a guy allow you to question what you have seen, heard, or believe.

Once you have sent a gaslighter packing, he will likely try to worm his way back into your life. Don’t fall for it.

He’s Not Consistent

Sometimes it’s called “breadcrumbing.” He is around and attentive and then disappears for a while. He cancels dates at the last minute because “something has come up” at work or with the family. He has “double-booked” things and must bow out of a planned date. Really? Some people are scatterbrained, of course, but if his inconsistency is consistent, something else is going on. And that something else can easily be someone else.

Time for some honest communication with this guy. He needs to commit or get out. Don’t settle for anything less. Healthy relationship dynamics don’t happen like this.

He’s Selfish

One of the clearest red flags in men is selfishness. It should be pretty easy to spot this behavior early on. He is focused on his own needs, not yours; he ignores your feelings and opinions and is only focused on his own needs. He ignores your feelings and your opinions, takes more than he gives, and is just generally not concerned about your well-being.

Open communication is just about impossible in this situation. If it’s not about what he wants, it’s not going to happen. You can express how you feel and what you need from him, and he may even say okay. But it doesn’t really happen. If you are co-habitating, he’ll wake up and tell you what he wants for breakfast; he’ll tell you what he wants for dinner; he’ll tell you what to pick up for him on your way home, and he’ll watch those TV shows he likes. You’ll go to places he wants to go to.

Do other guys that your friends date behave this way? Not likely. Do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting on someone else and being their surrogate mama? It’s time for you to set boundaries of what you will and will not do. If you feel there is hope, get to a couples counselor who can help the two of you work through this issue. If he doesn’t go, just stop doing for him. If he leaves, good riddance. He wants a mommy, maid, cook, and “go-for” person, not a partner. And you need a tough spine.

He is Not Totally Honest

You catch him in a few lies, maybe little ones at first. He exaggerates his position at work; he doesn’t have as much financial stability as he says he has; he misleads you about his outside interests and activities. At first, these are yellow flags to be sure. They turn into red flags in men when those smaller lies start turning into bigger ones. And if you are not paying attention to the fact that he has a need to keep up his misleading “front,” you are ignoring a big issue.

Either he is really insecure and must pump himself up to be more attractive to you and others, or he is simply a serial liar who will say whatever he thinks will impress you or to cover up things he doesn’t want you to know. Either way, he’s not good permanent relationship material for a partner.

You might try confronting him with those lies and check out his response behavior. He may become defensive, lash out at you, try to gaslight you, or ultimately be honest and say he was just trying to impress you.

The last response is the good one and one you can work with. Set boundaries about full honesty; see a couples counselor if you believe it will help. Build up the guy and let him know your feelings for him go beyond his job or his money.

Yes, this is a red flag, but it’s one you can work with if he comes clean.

He’s Not Supportive

You have goals, dreams, values, and plans for getting yourself where you want to be. So does he, we have to assume. So, you may need to go back to school; you may need to spend more time at work attacking a big project or two that could lead to a promotion; you are saving money to buy a house or take that dream vacation on your bucket list. Whatever these goals require, he should support you in all of your efforts, just as much as you support his.

If you are not getting the kind of support you are giving, consider this one of the biggest red flags there is. It means he doesn’t respect your need to grow and develop; it may be that he feels threatened by your growth and success; it could simply mean that you have a partner who is just all about himself and how you can accommodate his needs. Total BS. Healthy relationships have equality of support; toxic relationships do not. And any insistence from him that you defer to his goals and plans is a form of emotional abuse. Get out.

He’s Not Financially Stable

So, young people are not as financially fit as their elders who have had time to invest and save. That’s a given. But people of all ages can be financially unstable. They spend as fast as it comes in; they live from paycheck to paycheck; they don’t save for an emergency; and their bills are not always paid on time. If you are someone who budgets, who is careful about where and how you spend your money, and who is trying hard to save for your future, do you want a partner who doesn’t do the same? If the guy you are dating asks to borrow money pretty regularly; if he has to cancel a date because he is broke, take these as warning signs. He is either living above his means or is just irresponsible and depending on others to pull him through.

If you love him and want to have a long-term relationship, then you must be willing to try to help him change this behavior. Is he teachable? Is he willing to work on making a change? You’ll know soon enough. Remember, you are not his parent here. You can lead him in the right direction, but ultimately, he must do the work. If not, he’s not good long-term material. You’ll spend your life picking up his expenses, and he’ll rely on you to do just that. It won’t add to your well-being, and you’ll end up angry and resentful.

He Walks Away and Ignores Conflict with You

No relationship exists without some conflicts and issues that need to be resolved, usually by compromise if it’s healthy. In the infatuation stage, it’s normal not to have conflicts. But as a relationship develops, you and your partner will have disagreements – it’s natural and healthy.

If your partner runs away from conflict with statements with statements like, “I don’t want to talk about this now,” or “Just forget it. There’s no reason to talk about this. Let’s just go back to where we were.” The result? The issues get swept under the rug where the sit and fester and remain unresolved.

You are left with feelings that your issues don’t matter and the demand of your partner that these conflicts don’t really exist. But they do exist and cannot be ignored. If you continue to bring these issues forward, it is quite possible that he will simply walk away rather than deal. If he does walk away? fine. Good riddance. He obviously does not respect you and the relationship enough to want to honor your needs.

He Criticizes You, Even in Public

This is never okay. Whether he has to put you down to build himself up or to prove to others that he is in charge and control of your relationship, this is probably one of the biggest red flags in men that there is. A man who loves you will never diss you, in private or in public, because he won’t want you ever to feel bad about yourself. If your squeeze is criticizing you out of one side of his mouth and telling you that he loves you out of the other side of your mouth, he’s a toad, and you need to dump him.

You do not deserve to be disrespected at any time by someone who you are partnered with.

This should not be confused with what we can call “constructive criticism,” which may be providing advice or suggestions in a situation. But it is never done in public.

He’s a Whiner and Complainer

This gets old really fast. He complains about work; he complains about his family; he complains about behaviors of his friends; he complains about the service at restaurants or the food he is served; and he complains about what you do and say. None of this is his fault, of course. It’s everyone else making his life miserable.

How long do you want to deal with this negativity? And how do you put up with his whining and complaining about you too? The answer is you don’t. You don’t even have to address red flags like this. You just get out gracefully and let him go whine to someone else.

He’s Disrespectful

You may see this as early as your first date, if a man treats service workers badly. this is abusive behavior. And this guy will show that disrespect beyond that as you continue to date him. He may be disrespectful to your friends, to your family members, and, ultimately to you. This shows up by being rude, judgmental, and lacking care for the feelings of others.

Your first warning signs will probably show up early on. Take them seriously. A person who treats others like crap, no matter how or where or who is not someone you want to move forward with. Rude people without respect form toxic relationships. You don’t have to be in one. Run away quickly at the first sign of disrespect.

He Doesn’t Express or Show Appreciation

You’re in love, and you’re a person who enjoys doing things for your love. You order his favorite takeout and have it delivered to him at work; you make a new playlist of his favs; you continue to do little things that you think will please him. In return you get very little in the way of expressions or shows of appreciation. this is one of those red flags you should not ignore. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life catering to him and getting very little in return, that is. You deserve better, and this guy won’t give it. He’s not an equal partner – he’s a taker.

He Doesn’t Respect Your Own Boundaries

Here’s one of those red flags in men that you cannot ignore. Everyone has boundaries, and those should be respected and honored by anyone in a relationship with them. One of the earliest warning signs that he is not a good “catch” is putting pressure on you to compromise the boundaries you have set for yourself.

These are a part of your core values, and no one has the right to pressure you to move those goal posts. Only you have the right to do that as you choose to, freely and independently. If your partner is putting pressure on you to do this for him, it’s time for him to go.

He Has an Issue with Anger

In the beginning, all is well. You are both in the throes of new love, and it’s all exciting and fun. Over time, though, as you continue to date, you begin to see a side of him that is cause for concern. He erupts in anger, maybe not directed towards you or even other people, but at situations, circumstances, and such. Maybe you’re in a traffic jam, and he begins to show some rage; maybe someone has cut him off in traffic, and he begins to scream and cuss; maybe he erupts in anger when his takeout order is wrong once he gets it home.

These are clear warning signs that this man is not in control of his emotions. How long will it be before he turns that anger on you? This is one of those red flags in men that cannot be ignored. He is a volatile person and needs anger management therapy, not you. Dump him quickly and don’t look back.

He Doesn’t Apologize

So, we all make mistakes, and we make them in many different environments. What do you do when you make a mistake? If you have emotional intelligence, you admit your mistake and apologize to those who have been impacted in any way. This is normal adult behavior.

Now you’re falling for a guy full steam, and you begin to notice that he cannot ever admit he has been wrong. It’s always someone else’s fault or the result of circumstances he can’t control. this is one of those red flags you cannot ignore.

Imagine being in a permanent relationship with someone who can never be wrong – Yikes! Get up, say, “It’s been a good time, but no thanks,” and wisely walk away.

He Has Low Self-Esteem

One of the things that has drawn you to this new love is his self-deprecating behavior. He will make jokes about himself which, of course, seem funny at first. But as you spend time with him, you realize that his low feelings about himself are reality, not just humor.

So what do you do now? Is he leaning on you to constantly pump him up? This isn’t a healthy relationship. It’s not your responsibility to be the promoter of his self-esteem or to “fix” him. You can’t spend the rest of your life trying to make him feel good about himself.

He needs therapy. Is he willing to work on this independent of you? If not, it’s a major red flag, and you will spend the rest of your life with a child, not a partner.

He’s Fuzzy About the Future of Your Relationship

Your relationship is moving along, and you are seeing a future with this partner. As you spend time together, you start bringing up topics about your future together – maybe pooling your households, for example. Suddenly, he becomes vague or changes the subject.

This is one of those relationship red flags that cannot be ignored. He’s not ready to commit, and you are. Take the hint. As painful as it may be, you’ll need to get out before your feelings get trampled on any more.

He’s Not into Relationship Labels

Your relationship is moving along well. When you go to social events with your friends and family, you introduce him at your partner or other term of endearment. When you attend his events, you are introduced as his “friend.” When you protest, he claims he is just into relationship labels. Well, guess what? You are.

And if he has this little regard for your feelings that he is unwilling to publicly claim you as more than a “friend,” it’s a red flag you cannot ignore. Be his friend but never again his lover.

He Has Been a Cheater in the Past

Maybe you met while he was still in a relationship with someone else, and he was willing to cheat on that person to be with you. In fact, you learn that he has a bit of a history of cheating. Red flags should be waving in your face.

What makes you think he won’t cheat on you too? You’re really burying your head in the sand if you think that this time it will be different, no matter what he says. Words are cheap. You have two choices here. Either walk away because you have self-respect or propose an open relationship, if you can be okay with that.

He Has Addictions

Addictions come in all shapes and forms. It can be shopping, gambling, or substance abuse. Whatever it is, it’s a big red flag and causes more harm to relationships than you can imagine.

The addiction takes precedence over all else, including your feelings and your relationship. Let’s suppose it’s gambling. His credit cards are maxed out; his bills aren’t being paid on time; and he is rather constantly “borrowing” money from you. Not to mention, of course, that he is at casinos or other gambling venues rather than taking time to grow and develop your relationship.

This isn’t a partner you want. Tell him to come back when he has been through therapy and kicked his habit, whatever it is, and you’ll reconsider.

He’s Not Your Best Friend

A man who is certainly your lover but not really someone you consider a best friend is carrying a red flag. The best relationships contain elements of both. Does this person show up for you like a friend?

Do you rely on them in similar ways? Can you be honest with them no matter what? Can you trust them? You deserve a relationship where your lover is also your bestie.

When was the last time he asked a question about you?

You’ve done your research. You know all the right questions to ask him. But does he even know anything about you? Does he constantly talk over you because he thought of something he wanted to say about himself? Thank you, next.

A hot mess (but not in a hot way)

If he struggles to organize his life, feed himself properly, and keep a job (or if he struggles with substance abuse), it’s worth keeping an eye out. None of this means he’s a bad person, but if you feel more like his parent than his partner, he’s better off sparking up a nice working relationship with a therapist.

Final Thoughts

No one is saying you have to heed these red flags. What I am saying is that you ignore them at your own risk. I speak from personal experience when I say that it’s better not to do that, but of course, you have to learn that for yourself.

You might wonder if your expectations are too high, but they’re probably not. It’s a bare minimum requirement for a potential partner to be kind, honest, and good to you. You should know where you stand, and you should feel like your feelings matter to the one you’ve chosen.

Red flags aren’t a judgment against the other person. They are a confirmation that this isn’t the person for you. If you can accept that, you might save yourself some time and heartache.

If you keep ignoring what you already know to be true, you can expect your next relationship to look a lot like your past ones.