It all began with the ancient philosopher Plato, a Greek philosopher who explored and expounded upon a ton of the big questions mankind always asks.
One of his explorations was on love, and in his work, The Symposium, a group of fictional characters discussed all of the types of love. Their conclusion? The highest form of love is an intellectual bond in which people see the beauty of their world on a higher level – no romance, no sex, etc. which in themselves are limiting. This, to Plato, was the “Divine Ideal.”
How Platonic Love Translates to Modern Times
Today, platonic relationships are those social and personal relationships that form between and among people that do not involve romantic or sexual feelings or activity. The special bond that these people and groups of people have are based upon shared intellectual, social, and emotional experiences, similar interests, and priorities that bring them together and keep them together over the long haul.
It’s important to note that these people may have romantic partnerships or some type of romantic involvement with one or more others that include a sexual element. This has nothing to do with their platonic relationships, which are non-romantic and non-sexual.
Contrasting Platonic and Romantic Relationships
We often hear someone say, “I am marrying my best friend.” And many times, this is true. Many couples do meet and become friends before they develop romantic feelings and sexual attraction for each other. Anyone who remembers the movie, “When Harry met Sally” saw this unfold on the large screen decades ago.
Now, both romantic and platonic relationships involve deep feelings and love, though that love is of two different types.
Main Traits of a Platonic Relationship
- No physical intimacy of a sexual nature is involved
- Physical contact is usually in the form of hugs, kisses on the cheek, arms around shoulders, etc.
- Love is expressed in care, concern, support, and honest sharing of experiences, ideas, and opinions
Main Traits of a Romantic Relationship
- May involve all the traits of a platonic relationship, including deep friendship
- Both partners have sexual desire and passionate love for each other
- Sexual intimacy is involved
- Most often, this involves a couple, but it can involve more, such as in cases of ethical non monogamy when a couple agrees to have other partners outside of their relationship
How Platonic Relationships Manifest in Action
Platonic relationships can be same sex friendships or opposite sex friendships – a close friend can be of either gender. The key behaviors of those who are platonic friends are as follows:
- Acceptance: Platonic friends accept each other for who they are without criticism or judgement of any kind. And so, they feel totally free to be who they are and say whatever they think or feel. This can do wonders for someone’s self esteem.
- Honesty: Platonic friends can be completely honest with each other – share what they really think and feel, including stating their boundaries for the platonic friendship. A close friendship means they do not intrude on each other’s time commitments and other responsibilities.
- Closeness: These friends believe they are on the same page regarding values, passions, interests, and more. They share experiences together that they both enjoy
- Understanding: They capitalize on their connection by never asking or forcing the other to do anything they might be uncomfortable with or not have time for at the moment. They do not make demands of one another.
It’s obvious that a non sexual connection can be really rewarding and involves bonds that may not always exist in a romantic relationship. There are clear benefits here.
Benefits of Platonic Love
Platonic love brings both physical and mental health benefits. Here are some of the effects it has on a person’s well-being:
Better Physical Health
There’s loads of research concluding that love and support from people in someone’s life not only hurries the healing process after an illness or injury but helps a variety of health problems. It can also lower risk for diseases and boost immunity. From a mental health standpoint, it reduces the risk of depression.
Reduced Stress
Stress is sometimes called the “silent killer.” If we live stressful lives, we are prone to cardiac disease, high blood pressure, digestive problems, and much-decreased immunity, not to mention emotional illnesses. Strong supportive platonic friendships provide those who are available to listen and involve people in stress-reducing activities, and that really helps.
Greater Resilience
We all face challenges in all aspects of our lives – with our romantic partnerships, work struggles, issues with family, and even with health challenges. Platonic love and support from our besties mean we have those who can listen, understand, even offer some advice. You’ll have support as you go through these troubling times.
There are studies that conclude a person’s ability to bounce back after traumas and stressful events is greatly enhanced by strong personal connections and deep conversations with platonic others.
So, just where do we find these platonic connections? Read on.
Platonic Relationship Examples
Platonic relationships for men and women come wrapped in different clothing. While these may not be all of them, these are the most common.
Personal Friends
There is psychological concept that we all have four layers to our personalities. The outer layer is that which we show publicly. The second layer is the one we show to acquaintances, those we may see often but not have many dealings or conversations with. The third layer is reserved for our close friends – those friends we share a lot of personal stuff with, the people we trust and feel safe sharing our innermost eexperiences, thoughts, and feelings with. And they do the same with us. Th fourth layer is that which we reveal to no one.
Whether a large or small group, we all have close personal friends who are at the third level of our personality and maybe piercing into that fourth level. Some we have had since childhood, some from our teenage years, and some began in adulthood. With them, there is trust that we can mutually share our experiences, our ups and downs, our joys and sorrows, and all of our thoughts and feelings.
These friends will listen, show understanding, lend their support, celebrate with us, and cry with us when that is needed.
These friends may be men or women, but gender is not a factor. There is no physical attraction or affection involved. The friendships remain platonic throughout their lifetimes.
Work Colleagues
Most co-workers are at level two of our personality layers. We see them often, may be involved in projects with them, and may even need to communicate frequently. But they do not reach a level of closeness at all.
And then there are co-workers with whom we establish a close connection. These reach into our third level, and we spend a lot of time together outside of the workplace. We go to happy hour together
At the workplace, we will have a variety of relationships. Many of these will be formal and without any intentions of becoming the least bit intimate.
But there are other co-workers with whom we establish close friendships. We just like being around each other, we socialize together, and our friendship grows the longer we hang out with each other. Two women may go shopping together; two men may sign up for a class on DIY stuff or gourmet cooking; a man and a woman may go to concerts, hang out or take a writing class together.
Over time, these platonic relationships deepen, trust and intimacy is gained, and you both move to level three. If not, they are still there for lots of honest conversation and sharing of thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental climate. And that kind of support at work is really valuable.
Family
Here’s a group that can be complicated. There may be family members that we get along with superficially but would not consider to be the kind of intimate relatives that we would ever reach level 3 with.
Then there’s Aunt Sally. She gets you in the same way you get her. You’re almost like soul mates. She’s a great example of a family member you can trust. Over the years, you two have shared a lot apart from other family members. She knows your innermost thoughts, your experiences and your escapades and has never “ratted you out” to other family members.
As for other family members. Certainly, you share things with them – probably your goals, some of your experiences, and other things you feel comfortable talking about. And they will provide a level of emotional support as you move forward in your life.
And here’s the thing about family. They do share physical affection but on a platonic level. There are hugs for greetings and goodbyes, kisses on cheeks, arms around shoulders as photos are taken at holiday events, and such.
Not only that, but close relatives do provide emotional support and encouragement and want to share our successes too. They are valuable to us.
Mentor/Mentee Relationships
These bonds are usually formed in academic or work environments.
There are plenty of instances of teachers and students staying in touch long after their classroom experience has ended. And these wiser people continue to provide support and advice as well as celebrate our successes and help us through our challenges.
In the workplace, you may experience a superior who takes you under their wing, who guides you through the challenges, offers sound advice, promotes you, and just generally ensures that you stay on the right path. Even though your paths may ultimately go in different directions, they will continue to be supportive and helpful. A valuable person indeed.
Some teachers have made such an impact on us that we have continued to maintain contact long after we are no longer in their classrooms. We look to them for advice and help in certain areas of our lives.
There are also mentors in the workplace, those who have taken an interest in our growth and want to see us succeed. We can confide in them when we have ideas or when we face challenges and count on them for the right advice and support. These connections, although not intimate, can be enduring. And we may still stay in contact even when we do not share the same workplace anymore.
Other platonic relationships pop up where we least believed they could happen. We meet someone in a coffee shop or a bar, begin a conversation, and agree to meet up again. Over time, we develop a closeness with that person that we would not have believed possible. Yet, here we are, sharing our lives with each other as if we had known each other forever – some term these soul mates.
Are there other examples of platonic relationships? Of course. And sometimes they pop up at the oddest times and in the oddest places. Say, for example, you meet someone by chance, maybe on an airplane. They are reading a political book you have read and are passionate about. So, you begin a conversation. And you discover that you have much more in common than just your political view.
So, you stay in touch after this initial meeting and, over time, you begin to share much more. Here is a platonic relationship that may continue to grow and develop into one of those level three connections.
Which brings us to the next point. How do you form a platonic relationship with someone you truly want to connect with?
How to Find a Platonic Relationship
If you’re someone who wishes you had more close friends in your life, you aren’t alone. Plenty of people have found themselves more isolated than they would like to be – it’s kind of related to how we live and work today. So much of our relationships with others is via social media, and that doesn’t foster any kind of closeness.
Here are some tips to find real people in real time with whom you can develop platonic love and friendship.
Join Social Networking Groups That are Relatable
Are you a single parent? Are you divorced or widowed? Are you passionate about a particular hobby? Are you a small business owner? Do you play chess or bridge? Chances are, there will be a networking group for you to join, especially if you live close to a metro area.
Explore those groups that are of interest – you just might find one that results in friendships. And those friendships will then blossom into other activities which can bring you closer together.
Enroll in Workshops or Classes
Surely, there is a thing or two that you have always wanted to learn. Maybe you’d like to learn woodworking; perhaps you’ve always wanted to write a novel; suppose you’d love to learn gourmet cooking.
Take some classes! And there you will meet others with the same passions you have. Among those others will be those you’ll connect with, and you’ll begin to do other things with them, developing a great friendship.
Volunteer in Your Community
Reach out and be of service to others. You can meet other volunteers at homeless and battered women shelters; hospitals are full of volunteers; girls’ and boys’ clubs need tutors and and coaches; animal shelters and rescue groups need volunteers.
Not only will you be doing good for others, but you will also be meeting fellow volunteers who share your passion. And sharing passions is a great start point for a solid platonic relationship.
While you are taking care of business developing new friendships, if you already have close
Join Some Online Communities
There are communities online who share your interests, goals, and passions and who have no interest in developing a romantic relationship. In fact, many of them are already in romantic relationships of their own aside from these communities. They are members because they want comradery with others who share their interests and passions. While these new friends may not reach your level three, they are sources for mutually respectful discussions.
Now, don’t forget the platonic relationships you already have in your search for new platonic relationships. These must be nurtured too.
How to Nurture and Maintain Existing Platonic Relationships
To keep your relationships healthy and promote each other’s psychological well-being, here are important steps to take.
Keep an Equal Balance of the Nurturing
When you are relying on your platonic partner to keep contacting you to make all the plans for your get togethers, there is an unequal balance that isn’t fair. You must do your fair share of planning events and activities.
Maintain Regular Contact
The emotional intimacy of platonic relationships requires frequent and regular communication. Checking in often, if only to see how they are doing and asking if they need you for any support is so important to your relationship. And the more you do this for them, the more they will respond in kind. Even if it’s to share a funny joke.
Both of you need one another and need to know that each other is there for any potential challenges or struggles that may come your way.
Just Show Up!
You expect your platonic relationship partner to be there for you when you call upon them for support. Make sure you are ready to drop what you are doing and show up for them when they need your support, even if it just a supportive ear for them to vent. This is a critical piece of platonic love.
Keep the Established Boundaries
Yes, platonic relationships come with some clear boundaries that should not be crossed, and maintaining boundaries is critical for mutual respect and for keeping the relationship healthy. Consider these “rules:”
- If either or both of you have a romantic relationship, never criticize or complain about them to each other
- Neither of you should ever cancel and event with you romantic relationship to be with each other instead
- Neither of you should ever hide your platonic relationship from the objects of your romantic love interest or partner. Openness and honesty is sort of rule #1 and comes with mutual respect
- Be mindful of each other’s personal space and make sure that both of you are honest enough to let the other know if that is happening
- Avoid physical contact that might be seen as physical intimacy by others, especially your romantic relationship
- Spend time regularly checking in to make sure mutual boundaries are intact.
Even with all of these nurturing activities, there will still be challenges in every platonic relationship. Have a look.
Challenges to Platonic Relationships
There are many.
The Emotional Support Breaks Down
We all do get busy with the many facets of our lives – our work, obligations to our romantic partners, etc. And all of a sudden, we are not available when our platonic partner needs us. The deep connection we have had has been broken. Repairing will be a tough challenge for sure. The trust is gone.
We Become Sexually Interested in Our Platonic Partner
We’re afraid to admit this unrequited relationship desire to our partner, but it’s there. We have developed a sexual desire for them.
Revisit the story of Harry and Sally. Ultimately, he admitted that he wanted a romantic and sexual relationship with her, made it known, and their platonic relationship changed overnight.
Now, this doesn’t mean that the platonic part of that relationship is dead. Remember how many people state, “I am marrying my best friend.” It happens, and it’s all good, so long as you are honest and upfront. Your platonic partner may walk away, and that’s okay too.
These are just two of the challenges you may both face.
But another challenge is how you even know you are in a platonic relationship with someone to begin with, before you even look at those challenges.
How to Know When You are in Platonic Love
Here are the clear clues.
You Have Deep Conversations Absent of Physical Desires
You talk for hours on end, sharing many of your mostly highly guarded experiences, thoughts, and opinions and never once feel any romantic or sexual desires.
You’re Happy That They Have a Romantic/Sexual Relationship
You share their joy and they yours if either or both of you have romantic partners and enjoy physical intimacy with them. There is no pressure to give up time with a romantic partner in favor of you or them. This is probably the biggest indicator that you share a close bond that is purely platonic.
Time Spent Together is Warm and Enjoyable
When you’re together, whether just having a drink or hitting the biking trails, your gut just tells you this is a natural and relaxed place to be yourselves. No pretenses, no tension – just a good time.
You Both Agree the Relationship is Purely Platonic
Pretty important. This stems from honest communication from the get-go. There’s no confusion or doubt about it.
Your Physical Affection is Only Friendly
A hug, an arm around a shoulder, and such are the types of physical touch you give each other. No dreamy staring into each other’s eyes; no serious handholding across a table unless it’s a show of support for a partner who is going through something, and you are the supportive listening ear. This is platonic love, not romantic love, and you know the difference – it’s in your gut.
We’re at the End of the Road…
And it’s a long road for sure. But if you truly want to understand platonic relationships and learn how to form, develop, and nurture them, this read will have been well worth it.
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