Valentine’s Day is widely regarded as a day to celebrate love. It’s also, for many couples or those in romantic connections, a time to “spice” things up.
As an asexual polyamorous woman, people often assume that aces reject intimacy altogether simply because we don’t experience sexual attraction. Intimacy is frequently equated with sex, and when that’s off the table, most people default to platonic-adjacent activities like going to dinner or catching a movie.
But what if I told you that “spice” and intimacy don’t have to involve sex at all?
This Valentine’s Day, I’ve partnered with Taimi to not only debunk some myths but also suggest a few different ways intimacy can be shared outside of sex itself.
Asexuality and Attraction
Asexuality is an umbrella term for people who do not experience sexual attraction. There are various ways to identify within the asexual spectrum, and if you’re curious to learn more, here are a couple of resources:
Many ace-centered discussions focus on what aces don’t want—an important perspective—but this time, I want to shift the narrative. I want to celebrate all the passionately intimate, non-sexual experiences that many aces do enjoy.
While some ace folks do have and enjoy sex (though not driven by sexual attraction), many don’t. And for many of us, sex is neither a dealbreaker nor a core driver of connection in relationships. Instead, we explore and cherish other types of attraction:
- Emotional attraction: A profound connection to someone’s personality or inner world.
- Romantic attraction: The desire to express love and affection through gestures like dates, gifts, or shared experiences.
- Sensual attraction: A longing for physical closeness, such as cuddling, kissing, or non-sexual touch.
Passion & Intimacy…. Without Sex
One of the biggest misconceptions is that aces don’t experience passionate attraction like allosexuals do. Passion and Intimacy isn’t solely reserved for sexual attraction; it can apply to all types of attraction.
Let’s start with the definition of passion: “showing strong feelings” or “a barely controllable emotion.” In the context of asexuality, someone who experiences passionate, non-sexual attraction can express it in myriad ways.
Now, let’s define intimacy. The word “intimacy” comes from the Latin “intimus,” meaning “innermost”. It means a feeling of deep closeness and connection with another person.
That said, you can experience a strong feeling of deep closeness or connection with someone, without being sexually attracted to them, and you can express those feelings non-sexually.
You can still have an uncontrollable crush on your partner and be asexual.
You can still feel butterflies in your belly when the person you love looks at you lovingly and be asexual.
You can enjoy passionately kissing in a steaming hot shower and cuddling your partner to sleep and still be asexual.
You can revel in deep, vulnerable conversations where you and your partner share your most intimate truths to bring each other closer, so much so that it drives you to want physical closeness (kissing, long hugs, sensual touch)- and still be asexual.
You can enjoy a date night filled with sensual play, like shibari rope bondage, and still be asexual.
You can enjoy certain parts of your body caressed and kissed and still be asexual.
You can delight in a weekend cabin getaway with a lover, complete with jacuzzi makeout sessions and soothing massages, and still be asexual.
You can cherish an evening of breathwork and couples yoga and still be asexual.
You can even find joy in sharing sensual or romantic fantasies with your partner that don’t involve sex—and still be asexual.
When I think of “spice,” or “passion” or ‘intimacy” sex doesn’t even cross my mind because I’m not sexually attracted to my partners. For me, “spice” is about moments and activities that create profound connection through the types of attraction I do experience.
And my goodness…there are so many.
Redefining Intimacy- Own your ‘YES’.
The reason I wanted to bring this discussion forward on Valentine’s Day is because there is a general assumption that a romantic date/evening with an ace partner has to be the equivalent of a platonic outing. You can have an incredibly spicy, passionate, romantic, or emotionally charged Valentine’s Day with your partner—and none of it has to involve sex.
My understanding of intimacy transformed when I started viewing my asexuality through a lens of pleasure and joy. I embraced these moments of connection not as “foreplay” or a precursor to something else, but as valid, fulfilling experiences in their own right.
The way that many allosexual people boldly talk about their desires, asexual people should too.
Many asexual people have a clear understanding of their boundaries when it comes to intimacy. Boundaries are essential—they protect us, honor our needs, and affirm our autonomy.
However, the conversation often stops there. So, I encourage every asexual person reading this to go a step further and create a ‘YES’ list. What types of attraction do you experience? What intimate activities bring you joy and align with those attractions? Take the time to fantasize, explore, and experiment—you might discover new ways to embrace and celebrate your unique experience of intimacy.
So this Valentine’s Day, I encourage ace folks to focus on what they want, not just what they don’t. Boundaries and consent are essential for any type of intimacy, but once they’re established, lean into the passion and intimacy that lights a fire inside of you.
Let’s celebrate love in all its forms—spicy, tender, and uniquely ours.
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