Alphabet soup. That’s what we really have to call it these days.
There’s a funny Facebook of a mom asking her Gen Z daughter what IDK, IDC, and TTYL mean. The daughter responded, “I don’t know, I don’t care, talk to you later.” The mom’s response? “That’s okay. I’ll ask your sister.”
But these acronyms go way beyond these pretty common and neutral slang terms. They have crept into the language of relationships of all sorts.
So, here’s one as an example: “ISO NSA IRL.” In other words, “in search of a no-strings attached relationship in real life.”
Exactly What are NSA Dating and NSA Relationships?
Modern dating is a cornucopia of relationship types, many of which fly in the face of our traditional relationships. You know, boy meets girl, boy and girl date, boy and girl may have a few “bumps in the road,” boy and girl get back together, profess their love for each other and get married. Just check out every romcom movie since the 50’s, along with most all of the romance novels geared toward teens and young adults.
Today, with much more open and freer concepts of dating and relationships, coupling comes in all shapes and sizes, from hookups, casual relationships, more serious dating, long-term partnerships of all sorts, and everything in between.
One of those couplings involves NSA dating and relationships.
The simplest definition of NSA dating and coupling is an arrangement in which both parties agree on a purely physical connection, void of any of the “normal” aspects of dating – you know, going out, exploring what you have in common, deciding if there is a “there there,” and either pursuing a more serious entanglement or moving on.
There’s none of that in NSA dating. There’s a physical connection but no work on a romantic relationship, no goals for traditional relationships, no emotional attachment, no deep connection, and thus no emotional baggage or long-term commitment. Two (or more) people just enjoy encounters of sex.
Related terms might be ONS (one-night stands) or FWB (friends with benefits), but they are not all the same.
ONS refers to NSA dating lives that involve people hooking up who are strangers or maybe acquaintances can decide to enjoy sex and then move on, probably to another ONS soon afterward.
FWB refers to people who are friends but who also enjoy sex with each other, sort of keeping the friendship part of their relationship a bit separate from the sex. They just have to set clear boundaries, and, yes, it can get a bit complicated. There’s a classic episode of the Seinfeld TV series, in which Jerry and Elaine (former lovers) try to set up an FWB relationship. Check it out – hilarious but pretty real.
NSA dating covers both of the above, but other types of NSA dating too.
Why People Choose NSA Dating and No Strings Attached Relationships
As the poem says, “Let me count the ways.” People choose this lifestyle for lots of reasons:
- A lot of people (mostly young adults) want to be free of entangling relationships while they just have fun. But their sex drive is obviously in gear. And so, they choose to have only NSA arrangements at this time in their life. To them, it’s a lot about freedom. If this is you, and these your dating goals right now, then it’s right for you. Carry on, so long as you are fully honest with any person you hook up with.
- Still others have professional and personal goals that are at the top of their lists of priorities. They don’t have time for a strings-attached relationship right now, but that doesn’t mean their sex drive is in hibernation. And so, the set up dating NSA arrangements of different types, maybe even through an adult dating app, so they can find those casual relationships nearby. This lifestyle is the right path for them right now.
- Some people have experienced a bad breakup or a divorce, and their life and world has been changed. They are now determined not to get back into any type of relationship where they might develop emotional or romantic entanglements. So, they adopt a free NSA dating lifestyle until they may be ready to engage in a coupling that may involve commitment.
Whatever you reason for NSA dating, it’s all good. That’s the freedom we now have to explore any type of sexual engagement we want. Ain’t it great?
How NSA Dating Works in Real Life
Don’t think that NSA dating and connections are simple. There are “rules,” agreements, and boundaries to work through from the very beginning. If this doesn’t happen, things will get messy, and fast.
Here are the basic convos and agreements you must have:
- What do both of you expect to get from this connection? If it’s to be NSA dating, then there must be mutual understanding, that physical intimacy is the goal, not to connect on any other level. Setting clear expectations has to be the first step.
- What are the boundaries? Each of you may have your favorite types of sex, kinks, fantasies, or fetishes you may want to explore or enjoy the most. You better have some clear communication about these, what’s “on” and what’s “off” and any dealbreakers either of you has.
- If either or both of you are sexually active with multiple people, how will you both ensure safe sex? And if you are a couple that has decided on an open relationship, outside sexual relationships will require regular testing. And, while we’re on it, what’s the rule for telling each other about your physical intimacy with others?
Modern dating, especially no-strings-attached relationship styles, require clear rules so both are on the same page regarding their personal NSA agreements.
And let’s face it. For a lot of people, a no strings attached connection or multiple connections brings with it some clear benefits for their current “world.”
Benefits of a No Strings Attached Lifestyle
Probably the biggest benefit of NSA dating is freedom. For anyone not any romantic or emotional attachments, NSA dating is certainly an answer.
Now, there may be some caveats if a friendship was developed first and then an FWB arrangement was agreed upon. Navigating the friendship and the sex will probably require some additional “rules of engagement,” but it’s certainly doable.
Here are other benefits of a no strings engagement.
Chance to Explore
An NSA arrangement, so long as both parties agree, can allow people to explore and experiment with preferences, fantasies, fetishes, and more in a casual dating space, free from the strings of any kind of commitment. When both are down for this, they can have fun.
Chance to Play the Field
A no strings attached arrangement doesn’t have to be monogamous. In fact, most often, these arrangements are not.
Those interested in these arrangements may access dating apps and find plenty of locals who want the same type of casual sexual encounters. They can hook up at will. Are dating apps safe spaces? They can be with the right precautions.
Wherever potential sexual partners pop up, they can engage each other, have their needs taken care of and either decide on follow up engagements or just move on.
It’s really the best of both worlds for someone who wants no strings attached. As they saying goes, “have your cake and eat it too” without feeling guilty or regretting the behavior and with very low effort and no commitment. How emotionally easy is that?
Yes, the NSA dynamic, with openly consenting partners, allows great freedom.
No Worries About Compatibility
When people are seeking serious connections, they have to engage in lots of conversations with a potential match. They have to make sure that there is compatibility with their most important priorities – life goals, values, political and religious beliefs, down to such things as whether they prefer a rural, suburban, or urban living environment and even if they consider themselves “messy” or organized.
In NSA dating, none of these matters because no one is looking for emotional or romantic connections. It’s all about what they do and enjoy in bed.
There is no need to have any convos about lifestyles and preferences for emotional or romantic needs or desires. It’s all about meeting sexual needs and pleasures, nothing else.
Opportunity to Discover Likes and Dislikes in Bed
When you are free to experiment with all sorts of sexual positions, maneuvers, fantasies you may have seen but never tried, fetishes you have identified you have, and more, you get to explore these in a space totally removed from any type of romantic or emotional investment. And when you aren’t emotionally invested, you can have a more objective look at what pleasures you and what does not.
When you are ready (if ever) for a serious connection, you already know what you want and like and can discuss these with your potential love.
Getting a Boost to Your Sense of Self-Worth
Suppose you are at home just chilling and you get a booty call from one of your NSA dating squeezes. the fact that they have chosen you rather than one of their other hookups can be a big boost to your ego and your sense of worth. You obviously have sexual prowess that they crave. Relish the moment, have fun, and, of course, keep it casual.
All is not roses in the no strings attached dating. There are definitely pitfalls to watch for.
Some Common Pitfalls
Catching Feelings
This is probably the most common of all of the “cons” of NSA connections.
In the course of their “sex only” connections, it is quite possible that one (or both) will catch feelings of romantic and/or emotional attachment.
If this is not what you want, then you have a problem. If you are not feeling the same, then you have to let this other person go as gently as possible. When they catch feelings, you can feel panicky, but please consider the other person’s feelings and do this causing as less pain as possible. You owe them that.
If you are the one who catches feelings, then your job is to let your sex squeeze know as quickly as you can, so they can make their own decisions about how they want to respond. Your job is to accept their decision, no matter what it may be. If it is disappointing, just pick up your heart off the floor and move on.
Damage to Self-Worth
So, this is a two-pronged sword. On the one hand, if some NSA dating squeeze chooses you for a hook up, that’s a “feather in your cap.” You’re special.
The opposite side of that coin, though, is that someone can come to see themselves as nothing but a “toy” to others, to be used for their sexual pleasure and nothing else. It can foster a sense of uselessness and do a number on a person’s self esteem.
Too Much of a Distraction
Physical needs for sex bring NSA partners together for casual sex, and if the sex drive is high, then it happens often
Suppose, though, that someone is also looking for that serious relationship for a more permanent connection.
Things can get out of balance here. To seek a connection with romantic and emotional aspects takes time. It means dates, meaningful conversations – things that require time and energy.
If someone is too preoccupied with hookups for their sexual needs, they can overlook opportunities for meaningful connections with potential serious partners.
Now, neither one of these is wrong. It’s just important to find the right balance to meet your needs.
Navigating NSA Dating with Success
If you are interested in NSA dating, but have not yet gotten your feet wet, you should review this next section carefully. It’s not for everyone but it just might be for you.
Start With Some Self Talk
Will you be happy with an NSA arrangement that is completely void of romance and emotion? Can you put your emotions on the shelf and focus on strictly physical intimacy? Be totally honest with yourself.
Can you make a list of your expectations, boundaries, dealbreakers, and things you want to explore in such a relationship? You can’t have an NSA dating arrangement unless you are clear on these things and can communicate openly about them to any potential partner.
Monitor Your Expectations
It’s important that your expectations are focused only on “now.” When you go into an NSA dating arrangement, the whole point is to enjoy sex with each other in the here and now.
If you find yourself thinking about what the possibilities are for the future with a hookup squeeze, then you need to think about whether NSA dating is really for you.
Check yourself. Are you getting feelings of jealousy if you NSA date is seeing others? Are you feeling resentment about this? If so, then you are no longer just having fun, and NSA dating is not for you. Any family therapist will tell you this.
Be Mindful of Your Safety
Because NSA sexual relationships are casual, there is more than just emotional well-being to consider. There are physical health risks involved too. It is not rude to ask about contraception a date may be using; and it is not rude to ask about STI testing. For your part, regular testing is not an option – don’t neglect it.
We’ve about come to the end of this sojourn, but it wouldn’t be complete without have a look at the myths and misconceptions about NSA relationships.
Most Common Myths/Misconceptions About NSA Arrangements
Society has a way of coming up with crazy stuff about anything that goes against the long-established norms of what is considered “right.” So, here’s what the naysayers have come up with:
- Insecure people can’t be in a committed relationship, so they choose NSA relationships
- NSA relationships are just excuses for cheating
- No strings attached couplings don’t work
- NSA arrangements are casual, and because they focus on the physical only, they are unhealthy
- People in NSA couplings, have no respect for each other
Of course, these statements are made out of ignorance. In the casual life of NSA arrangements, there is mutual respect, openness, honesty, boundaries, and communication that results in mutual satisfaction. Sounds like the casual sex of NSA relationships is a pretty great thing for those who choose it as a lifestyle, even if that choice is not permanent.
So, lets just decide that we can all “live and let live.”
Time to Greet 21st Century Norms
It’s time to redefine relationships. They really do come in all shapes and sizes. And every one of them, including NSA relationships, is valid, and right, so long as everyone involved in on board.
And that’s called freedom – freedom to explore our sexualities without judgement from those who would have us all in monogamous, committed relationships with a picket-fenced house and 2.4 kids. While it may be fine for some, it is fast becoming outdated and almost irrelevant. The average age of someone buying a home today is 40!
So, the best advice? Be who and what you want to be. And if you want to explore NSA relationships, more power to you. They are becoming more and more popular, especially for young adults with a pretty healthy sex drive, but no drive to settle into serious, long-term commitments.
NSA partners communicate; NSA partners respect one another’s boundaries; and they satisfy each other’s needs. It sounds pretty good, no?
If you think NSA relationships might be right for you, just go for it!
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