In 2005, a TV series was launched called “Grey’s Anatomy.” It ran for 22 seasons. In season 1, episode 1, the opening shows two people in bed, getting up, dressed, and hurrying off to their work. Very little convo. They didn’t even exchange names. Later, of course, they ran into one another again – Meredith Grey, an intern at a Seattle hospital, and Derek Shepherd, the head of neurology at same. Later, Derek proposes another one-night stand, and Meredith turns him down.
This is not so uncommon in real life. People have one-night stands all the time – physical intimacy that is strictly physical without any meaningful connection or any thought to a future relationship. It’s a casual arrangement focused only on sex and momentary pleasures. Relationship coaches will tell you that these relationships are growing in popularity. Which brings us to the point of this piece – NSA in dating.
What Does NSA Mean?
The modern world is full of acronyms. Of course, there are those of the government, NSA (National Security Agency), but they have continually crept in to our everyday life on the internet, social media, and our messaging with each other. LOL (laugh out loud) is probably the most common, and even your grandmother probably knows that one. We have IDK, IDC, TTYL, IKR and tons more, increasing in numbers almost weekly.
One that may be less common is NSA (no strings attached), a generic acronym for dating relationships focused on sex by those not interested in anything but fun and sexual pleasure for the moment.
So, this is the simple definition of NSA. But in reality, it goes a bit deeper, and we need to dig into that.
There are Some “Offshoots” of NSA
NSA is the generic term for any relationships that focus on sex between openly consenting adults with no expectation for any other type of connection, except for one. Two of the most common offshoots of NSA are ONS (one-night stands) and FWB (friends with benefits). In the latter, friendship remains as a connection, but the benefits part is a no-strings attached arrangement, somehow kept separate from that friendship. Can people really do this? Yes, they do.
Gender and Sexual Orientation are Irrelevant
People of any gender identity or sexual orientation may be involved in NSA relationships – straight, lesbian, bisexual, gay, trans, non-binary, or sitting any other place on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. The goal is to have an NSA connection for sexual satisfaction.
Now, NSA relationships don’t just happen in a vacuum.
For NSA relationships to be successful, at least those that involve repetitive partners, there are lots of things to be considered, so let’s unpack all of caveats of NSA arrangements.
Why Do People Choose NSA Relationships?
The choice to have NSA sexual relationships may be temporary or permanent. And while many still believe that this is a phenomenon of the new sexual freedom that young people enjoy today, there are growing numbers of older people choosing casual, no strings arrangements. Here are the most common reasons a person may shun committed relationships that mean emotional attachment.
- The average age for a person buying their first home today is 40. Buying a home is usually a sign that someone is settling into what society demands as the “normal” progression of things. The white picket fence and 2.4 kids should follow. Not so fast say these younger adults. They have chosen to remain single much longer. But their sex drive is not at rest. And so, they choose the no entanglement option of NSA arrangements – they are emotionally easy and serve their current needs. And as long as they are upfront about it with their sex mates, no harm, no foul. If you are that person, go for it.
- A lot of young adults (of all genders and sexualities) are in committed relationships with their careers. Nothing is more important to them right now than making an impact in their chosen fields and grabbing the kudos (and salaries) that come with all of that. Their sex drives are not hibernating, though, so they choose casual sex with no pressure and no commitment. It works for them right now, and that’s great.
- There are plenty of people, young and older who have gone through a painful divorce or breakup. Any family therapist will clearly describe divorce or a bad breakup as a “death” of sorts, and there is a healing process involved. Now, there are two ways in which these “victims” deal. Some look for rebound sex with bunches of people and become somewhat promiscuous; others decide to swear off any type of serious relationship until they have worked through the pain and emerged in a good emotional state. In both of these instances, casual sex can be the answer – no strings, just physical pleasure. It’s a personal choice, and more power to them all.
Whatever someone’s reason is for these relationships that lack commitment doesn’t matter. It’s what they have chosen for right now, and they should pursue those relationships. NSA means a free path for them, whether temporary or permanent – no guilt, no shame, not ever.
Finding NSA Arrangements
There are really three types of NSA game plans – one-night stands (ONS), Friends with benefits (FWB), and a regular arrangement with one or more others.
FWB is set. Two people are friends and they have no strings attached sex when they both agree to. There is no need for them to go out and look for other hookups (although maybe some do).
But for those who want ONS or other people to hookup with, there can be the challenge of finding like-minded others.
So where to look?
In Your Own Locale
Bars and clubs have always been spots for hookups. Two people connect, flirt, exchange phone numbers and have a date. The challenge, of course, is what each is looking for with that connection. If one is only looking for an NSA game plan and the other isn’t, there’s a problem.
There are other places too.
- Conventions are notorious places for ONS game plans. Attendees are there without their spouses or significant others, have a bit too much to drink, start flirting, and end up in one or the other’s room for the night, or for a few nights, however long the convention lasts. But when the convention ends, so does the arrangement.
- For the LGBTQ+ population, there used to be plenty of gay bars where all of the population could go and hookup for a one-nighter or become regular NSA partners. These are drying up. But there are pride events and activities, shows and events for the trans population, and LGBTQ+ organizations on college campuses open to the public.
- Speed Dating. Yep. Believe it or not, if you live in or near a large metro area, there are speed dating events for those looking for no-strings-attached arrangements. One-half stay seated. The other half rotate from table to table for 5-minute convos. In the end, participants submit numbers of those of interest. When there is a match, the two are given contact info. Some of these are for heteros, some for gays, lesbians, and even trans. Finding these can be a challenge, but they are usually publicized in chat rooms and social media groups.
Online Sources
These are very convenient places for both ONS and regular, ongoing engagements.
Chat Rooms
Like any other online source for products, services, or even dating, there are the great, the average, and the bad and ugly. Chat rooms can be risky and sketchy for sure. For those interested in NSA dating, there are a ton of these. One of the problems is that there is no identity verification process for those who join, and frauds and just plain bad guys are pretty plentiful. Find rooms that spend time discussing the issues and challenges of NSA road maps and focus on hookups as a secondary factor.
But no matter what, never agree to a hookup without a personal meeting first – in the daytime and in a public place with your own transportation, and phone on. Have a friend call. If all seems fine, have a code word. If not fine, pretend to have en emergency and leave.
Social Media Groups
All major platforms have dating groups. Find those that are a fit, participate in convos, and find some close by. These are less risky than chat rooms, but the same precautions should be taken.
Online Dating Sites and Apps
The 20th and 21st centuries have seen a revolution in dating. After all, we consumers want what we want when we want it, right? Perfect motto for anyone thinking about what’s NSA in dating.
And to accommodate those who are into quick hookups and some sexual “companionship” from like-mindeds, there are plenty of online dating services where they can meet, explore the possibilities, and fulfill mutual physical needs.
There’s a bunch of great sites and apps. And lots of them allow you to be anonymous by using another name. Many use maps and GPS to find a quick hookup with someone available in the moment. Check out a few – Benaughty, Fling, Flirt, OnenightFriend, Adult Friend Finder, Zoosk. For the LGBTQ+ crowd, there’s Taimi, Men Nation, Her, and Grindr. There are plenty of others, but these seem to be the most popular.
Most of these sites are free to register and create dating profiles stating what you are looking for. From there like-mindeds can message, call, video call, and live stream (on some). Paying for the premium versions will narrow down the searching and matching for those nearby if you’re ready in the moment. Very low effort for some fun in your life to fulfill and immediate need!
If one-time hookups are not your thing, then you’re looking at FWB or game plans that involve on or more partners on a regular basis. For these, there will need to be some planning and willingness for communicating openly and honestly. Otherwise, the relationship won’t work. These are actually long-term commitments but without being emotional invested or in any type of romantic relationship. It’s a physical connection only, for fun and sexual satisfaction.
Strategies and Tips for Making the NSA Relationship Work
There is a lot of planning involved in NSA relationships if they are going to work. It begins with open communication, and both partners must be totally honest. The NSA dynamic demands this. And if this doesn’t gel, things will just get messy and fail miserably. This is especially true for FWB NSA relationships. The friendship will be lost forever.
So, let’s get down to what NSA partners will have to do before the physical part of the NSA relationship begins.
Expectations
Both must state their expectations and come up with mutual understanding. Top of the list? Physical pleasure and fun are what NSA means, nothing more. They will not be connecting in any other way – going on dates, socializing with friends and family, having intimate candlelight dinners while they hold hand across the table and stare into each other’s eyes. All of these things smack of emotional attachments and romantic feelings – big no-no’s.
Boundaries
One partner may be into fulfilling their life fantasies, kinks, and fetishes. The other may have their own too. Some of these will be fine with both partners; some may not be. In these cases, compromises will rule the day.
Set clear boundaries of what’s okay and what’s not and hold to those boundaries. It’s all about mutual respect here.
Make sure both of you state your dealbreakers up front.
Boundaries that are mutual give both partners a sense of comfort and mutual understanding. It’s just crucial for the thing to work.
Honesty About Multiples
So, one or both partners may be in NSA relationships with multiple people. How will this all work?
- A couple in a long-term serious relationship may decide to open up that relationship to other sexual engagements outside of their relationship.
- Two people in an NSA relationship may have other sex buddies too.
If either one of these is the case, here are the things that must be hammered out:
- What’s the agreement on how much each one will tell the other about those outside engagements?
- How will each one maintain physical health (STI’s). Regular testing will not be an option, and results must be shared.
Remember: No strings attached sexual relationships are all about freedom – to explore, to have sexual intimacy, to live out desired types of sex activities, and to have a life style you want. But with that comes some responsibilities. While this all may be great for someone’s self-esteem, feelings have nothing to do with it. Engaging in physical intimacy without being emotionally invested means you also take responsibility for your actions and maintain a solid moral compass.
So, What Could Go Wrong Here?
Plenty. NSA stands for no strings. But sometimes, strings rear their heads.
The best advice here is that anyone engaging in NSA relationships had better have an upfront understanding of the red flags and know how to deal with them.
Someone Catches Feelings
It happens. Both start out with their great understanding and agreements. But then, one mate catches feelings and emotions for the other. Uh-oh. Developing an emotional attachment makes everything very messy. Here’s how someone knows this has happened:
- The other half begins to ask questions about other encounters someone is having, wanting more details about them – pretty clear sign of jealousy.
- The other half begins to message, call, and want more time with someone.
- The other half begins to show disappointment and even a bit of anger when someone is not readily available
- The other half begins to suggest some non-bedroom time together – dinner out, a party with work colleagues.
When this happens, the tough convo will have to be had. Emotional partitions have been breached. And the likelihood of the no string attached relationship will probably not survive – not when these kinds of emotions and feelings have surfaced. The half that has to break it off may be feeling guilty over this, but it’s best for both in the long term.
Self-Esteem Issues
Sometimes, one-half can develop feelings of being “used.” They begin to see themselves as nothing more than a sexual object, rather than a person who is more than just a sex tool. They want to be recognized and appreciated for the other parts of their personality, and if they can’t get that somewhere else, they become frustrated and resentful.
It’s quite possible that a no strings attached partnership is just not for them. Again, if they don’t bring it up, the other must. Feelings of being used will taint the relationship beyond repair.
Being honest and open about feelings is the only solution. Better to end it than let one person suffer.
Social Judgement
Yes, it’s there. Society as a whole can judge and condemn such relationships. And, on a closer level, so can family and others who are close in a person’s life.
Ignoring these is hard and takes real stamina for both parties in the relationship. If it gets to be too much, one or both may just have to end these relationships.
Time Management
This is really a problem when people are in NSA relationships with multiple people. Balancing the other aspects of their lives and meeting the agreed upon engagements can create plenty of stress in someone’s life. They will either have to cut back on the multiples or suffer the consequences of stress – not a good thing for mental health.
Breaches of Privacy
Many people in NSA relationships do not want others in their lives to know about their lifestyles. If one member of the team “outs” the other, that is a betrayal that cannot be fixed. Consider this relationship done for.
Failure to Maintain Physical Health
Testing, testing, testing. If one member of the team violates the commitment of regular testing, it puts everyone wo is engaged at risk. This is completely unacceptable and should be a dealbreaker for all others who are a part of this relationship.
There You Have It…
Everything you ever wanted to know about what’s No-strings attached dating is laid out for you here. Is such a game plan for you? The answer lies in where you currently sit in your goals and needs regarding relationships and sex. If you think it might be for you, go ahead and explore the possibilities. That’s the beauty of today’s openness about sex and relationships.
Share this post:
