So, how to make your first dates enjoyable while not betraying your personality and principles? I will give some tips to cis people as well, so skip to the end if you’re not trans but want to learn not to be a creep when dating trans people.
People have been discussing the pillars of sexuality for more than a century. What makes you straight or gay? Does gender identity matter more than body parts? The philosophical debate might never end, but what’s sure is that in your relationship, you decide. If you’re a trans man who likes women, a cis woman won’t become queer because she started dating you… unless you decide on something else together. We are more than our bodies, and it’s non-negotiable.
How Do You Avoid Negativity on Your Dating Journey?
- When registering on dating apps or attending a social gathering, be open and transparent about your identity. Your potential partner has to be educated on trans issues at least a little bit, and it’s not your job to cure someone’s transphobia. If they start a conversation asking about your surgeries or which bathroom you visit, look for another person. There are billions of options on this planet. You will find the right one.
- Look for your person in queer spaces or on queer-aligned apps. Even if you are straight, such places can attract allies who have an understanding of what a trans person is, so your date doesn’t become a mentoring session. And even if you met them in a safe space, check their social media for anything gender-critical or conservative before offering a one-on-one date.
- If you're going on a first date, take care for your safety. Arrange the date in a public place — not only to prevent an attack but also to check if the person is okay with being seen with you in public. If you are looking for serious relationships, your partner needs to be ok with dating a trans person publicly. There will be time to meet their friends and family, so they should be ready for that.
- Send your live location to a friend if you want to go somewhere more intimate. In this case, a trusted individual should know your date’s address and full name. Never forget that, in 2023, LGBTQ+ organizations registered 320 fatal hate crimes towards trans people. The reality of unregistered deaths can be even more dark. You are precious, so treat yourself like a treasure that needs to be protected.
- Never forget that you and your date are just people who want to know each other and form a bond. Your gender identity should never be an issue and a central topic of the conversation. If they bring it up more than twice… well, better this first date be the last one.
How Do You Date Trans People and Not Appear to Be a Creep?
First, read the previous section and keep in mind how many precautions trans people have to take to enjoy the date. If you want to be a good partner, it’s your job to keep their anxiety as low as possible. Here’s some tips for you:
Don’t be a chaser.
Your main concern should be “How do I communicate with this particular trans person that I like,” not “How do I find myself a trans person because I like transness as a concept.” If you are from the second batch, try to process your fetish before contacting trans people. Most of the community find this approach degrading and harmful.
Educate yourself.
Your date doesn’t want to be an activist in a romantic setting, even if they are a fighter every other day. We come to relationships to exchange support and love, not to teach. So please try to find the answers to all the essential questions yourself.
Put personality before the body.
If it’s your first relationship with a trans person, their physicality might seem scary after all the fear mongering in the media. But remember that you liked this person not for their organs but for who they are as individuals. When things will come to the bedroom, you will manage. Just be gentle and establish proper communication with your partner.
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