Navigating A Relationship With An Asexual – Five Key Factors

Last Updated 11.04.2022
5 min read

If you are a member of the LGBTQ+ community, you probably know what an asexual is. As a sub-population, they are smaller in number than other community members, but they deserve dignity and respect.

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An asexual is any male or female who simply does not feel sexual attraction. This does not mean they do not desire romantic relationships, though. Many of them date and even marry, and not all of those partnerships are with other asexuals. 

If you are a sexual being in a loving partnership with an asexual, there are some important considerations that you must be aware of. If you don’t have this awareness, you will not be giving your partner what they want and need. So, take a look at these six tips.

Communicate Openly About Sex, Needs, and Expectations

Without honesty, no relationship will last. You already know that your asexual partner wants little-to-no sex and that you enjoy sex. This situation will require fully open communication. What does being asexual mean to your partner? Does it mean no sex ever? Does it mean a willingness to have sex occasionally even though there is no satisfaction in it? Does it mean a rare sexual attraction that pops up only very occasionally? 

And how about you? What are your sexual needs? How often do you typically want sex? What kinds of sex satisfy you? Can you satisfy some of your sexual needs via masturbation? Or is your partner willing to engage in manual or oral methods that will achieve an orgasm for you?

Obviously, these different approaches to sex will require compromise. And if everything else about the relationship is terrific, then compromise in this one area should be possible. 

Don’t Take Their Lack of Sexual Attraction to You Personally

It’s easy to get frustrated, especially if you have had previous relationships in which sex life was active and satisfying to both of you. Now, you love someone who isn’t especially sexually attracted to you. That frustration can even turn into a bit of anger if you are not careful. Why can’t this partner show attraction to you? What the hell is wrong with you or them? 

This is the time you need to really do some reading, some research, and some more communicating with your partner. You have to work on greater understanding so you don’t keep taking this as a personal affront. If you can get over this, you are closer to a more satisfying relationship for both of you. You might want to access and some of its blog posts about asexuals or in their social media feature for discussions about asexuals.

Do NOT Try to Change Your Partner

Your new love is asexual by identity, just like any other member of the LGBTQ+ community. Would you try to change a transgender female, a gay man, or a bisexual? Of course not. So why would you try to change your asexual partner? You may be able to get some behavioral changes because they truly want to please you, but that will never change who they really are. Accept this, and focus instead on all that you have in the other aspects of your relationship.

Find Shared Hobbies and Interests and Focus on Those

Love relationships are about far more than sex. And if you and your asexual partner have gotten together, you obviously have some compatibilities. Identify all of those things you have in common and find things that you can do together as a couple. Do you both love animals? Then plan to volunteer at a shelter. Are you both committed to certain causes? Then become activists for them. What about outdoor activities? Do you both play a sport or love hiking? Plan these types of outings often. All of the things you do as a couple will bring you closer together.

Come Up with Ways to Be Intimate

While most people equate intimacy only with sex, this is just not so. There are actually 12 types of intimacy – intellectual, spiritual, emotional, creative, aesthetic, crisis, and more. Here are a few examples:

  • Crisis: Your partner or you lose your job. The other rushes in to be supportive and help the partner overcome the initial shock and dismay and to develop a plan to move forward

  • Intellectual: Both of you can discuss opinions and thoughts and even disagree. You can talk about tough topics with openness

  • Creative: You both like to cook? Take a gourmet cooking class and then experiment at home in the kitchen together

  • Conflict: You will have disagreements. When you can work through them and get to a happy resolution, you become more intimate.

In the End, It’s All About Priorities

No one is asking you to give up your sexuality or your physical needs when you enter a relationship with an asexual. After all, strong loving relationships mean meeting each other’s needs. It may be hard for some people to imagine dating or marrying an asexual. The reality is that people enter these relationships for many reasons other than just for wild and regular sex. They gain intimacy in many other ways, and it just feels right.

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