Mind Your Manners – Lesbian Dating Etiquette

Last Updated 27.05.2022
7 min read
Taimi

“Mind your manners.” This was the demand of our parents and grandparents whenever they took us somewhere or let us go to a sleepover at a friend’s house. What it meant in those days was that we were to be polite, always say “please” and “thank-you,” obey adults, and, God forbid, never cuss, as they did at home. By the time we were teens, this old-time crap pretty much went out the window because the term “mind your manners” took on a different m

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The new meaning of “mind your manners' ' does transfer over to online dating which is now the preferred way to meet others, especially in a fast-paced world and the recent COVID pandemic. In fact, as of 2021, 55% of the LGBT community reported that they used an online dating app at least once. This means that there is a huge number of lesbians looking to meet up and hook up with other lesbians. And now you are one of them.

Once you are registered and have crafted your perfect lesbian profile, the fun begins. And you want to be a full participant in finding possible matches and exploring whether they may be the right fit for you. But you do have some responsibilities in all of this – it’s known as dating etiquette. And there are some dos and don’ts involved here. Take a look and be sure you are practicing the type of etiquette that will make your lesbian online dating successful.

Rule #1

Do respond to any messages you get – within 24 hours. 

Fellow lesbians are reaching out to you. And they should not be ignored. They are looking for dates, and you have captured their interest. Are you interested or not? It’s unfair to keep them hanging – they deserve better. Unless you are too busy to check your account, either indicate interest or reject it diplomatically within 24 hours. Ignoring people is rude. 

This is not to say that you have to respond to every “wink” or “poke.” You won’t have time. But if someone takes the time to write a message, then you must respond. So, how do you let someone down easily? You have a few options here:

  • Be direct but kind. “I appreciate your interest, but I don’t think we are a fit. I wish you the best in your search.”

  • Say you’ve met someone else and want to focus on them right now (true or not, it lets the person keep their dignity).

  • “You sound like a great person, but I’ve just got too much else going on right now”

Notice in this last option, you’ve paid a compliment to the person – this is always a good thing to do.

If the individual doesn’t get the point and keeps messaging you, you will just have to delete/block them. 

Rule #2

Don’t send follow up messages – you sound desperate

If you are really interested in someone and have messaged them about that interest, sit back and wait for a response. If you don’t get one, move on. No matter how much she seemed a fit for you, and no matter how much you really wanted to explore the possibilities, let it go. If you send follow-up messages, you will sound desperate, and that’s never a good impression to make. You never know – she may return to you at some point if you don’t seem like a “stalker.”

Rule #3

Don’t criticize or laugh at someone’s opinions or profile photos

This is probably the worst thing you can do. It shows a total lack of kindness and empathy. And as a member of a community that is often scorned, belittled, and mocked, you should know better. Everyone deserves dignity and respect. Certainly, there is room for disagreement on many issues, and differing opinions are all worthy. As for the photos? OMG.

Rule #4

Do not “come on” too fast - even lesbians want time to get to know someone first

Lesbians come in all flavors. Some are very aggressive sexually, some not. Some do not mind full-frontal advances, some do. When you are first dating someone, take your time. You don’t know how she may feel about moving too quickly. Take the level of your talk from her conversations with you and act accordingly.

Rule #5

Don’t ask her about previous relationships, how often she hooks up for casual sex, etc.

It’s rude and none of your business really. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you over time, as your dating gets more serious. Focus on the “now” and how attracted you are to her.

Rule #6

Do ask lots of questions – it shows interest

The old adage, “it’s not all about you” rings true with online dating. If you spend all of your time talking about yourself, you come off as a narcissist, or at best, too full of yourself to really want to listen and hear. Ask lots of questions, listen to those answers and then ask follow-ups.

Rule #7

Don’t talk politics or religion too soon, unless there are “deal-breakers” for you. You don’t want to waste your time or others’

If you have “deal-breaker” demands about the politics and/or religion of anyone you may date, then you need to be upfront about those. You can mention in your profile that you are a “full progressive” and a member of the universe, not any religious group, then those who read that will understand. Still, you can find subtle ways to also say this in conversations too. Do this early on, so that both of you can make a decision about compatibility.

Rule #8

Do use humor to address your faults or mistakes 

We all have them. Suppose you are messy. Speak to it in a funny way. “If I were a teenager living at home, my mom would probably post a picture of my room on Facebook so she could get lots of sympathy emojis.

Rule #9

Do use emojis and GIFs to express your feelings and thoughts – it keeps things light

Again, the old adage, “a picture says a thousand words” stands. And if a GIF says it all, use it. Sometimes emojis and GIFS are so much better than words, and they can express emotions and opinions in poignant and/or humorous ways.

Rule #10

Don’t curse or sext – you haven’t even had a real date yet

You have no idea what her tolerance is for these things. And if you start sexting right away, she may get the idea that you are a serial nympho. On the other hand, if both of you have a goal of one-night stands only, sexting can be welcome and pleasurable.

Rule #11

Do be truthful – dishonesty catches up with you if dating gets serious

This is especially true if you are looking for more than casual hookups. You won’t be in a “relationship” long enough for those lies to catch up. But if you go into a longer-term relationship, they will, and it can be a deal-breaker for someone you have become fond of. 

Rule #12

Don’t send “good morning” messages in the early stages – you’re not in a relationship yet 

Yuck! This is right up there with coming on too strong. Saying stuff like, “Good morning, beautiful” when you haven’t even seen her in the morning yet. Again, you sound a bit too desperate for a relationship and may send her on the run. 

Rule #13

Do chat for several days before asking for a phone number or giving yours – doing this takes things to the next level and your date may not be ready

You are chatting through the app. You may even be engaged in video chats. There is no need to exchange phone numbers at this point, and, if the dating app is secure, no one else I hear or see. Exchanging private phone numbers does take things further, so be certain both of you are ready for this.

Rule #14

Don’t ghost, paperclip, or breadcrumb someone – it’s inconsiderate – If you’re not interested, shut things down nicely

These are terms that refer to dropping someone without notice or leading them on when you know you are never going to get serious about them. Sure, it’s an ego boost to you to have several women “fawning” over you, but it’s unfair and causes pain. Just don’t do it.

Rule #15

Do find something in their bio to comment on or to compliment them on – it shows interest and is flattering

How do you feel when you get a compliment? All warm and fuzzy? And it probably makes you feel that this person is someone you want to get to know better and to be with. The same rings true with the other person when you pay a compliment. If you are interested, get heavy with the compliments, so long as they are genuine. 

Rule #16

Don’t brag about achievements and accomplishments. 

So, you have a Ph.D., have been to 26 foreign countries, and just got a huge promotion. Good for you! But if you bombard a cute gal whom you would like to get to know with these, you may quash the relationship before it even gets started. Suppose she is a hairdresser or a vet tech – both worthy and solid occupations for sure. You may make her feel inferior and not up to your standards. Dating fails, and it’s your fault. Let these things drip out over time.

Today’s Manners are Different but No Less Important

It’s tempting to lose many of the normal rules of etiquette when you are dating online – it’s not like you are face-to-face with a person or in a group of people where you need to be on your “good behavior.” But just “dating” someone online is no excuse to be rude, inconsiderate, unkind or in need to be the “player.” Treat everyone well, don’t come on too strong, make it more about the other person than you, and show that you are a fun, interesting date.


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