Feeling a romantic attraction to someone else? It’s a good feeling, no? But what happens when you connect with that person, and they also experience romantic attraction for you? In a “normal” world, that connection could grow into a pretty great relationship, maybe even a long-term partnership or marriage.
But nothing about love and romance is always that straightforward and simple, especially under the umbrella of the entire LGBTQ+ community.
So, here is a question. Do you feel a romantic attraction to someone and then, after a while, lose that romantic feeling, especially after they have expressed romantic feelings for you? And does this happen kinda regularly? If so, you could be a lithromantic.
Let’s dig into this orientation a little, and you can do a little self-analysis.
Defining the Term Lithromantic
First, let’s understand that today, we are all free to be who we are, to describe ourselves and our genders and orientations in any way we choose to do so. And, fortunately, Millennials and Gen Zer’s, who now make up the majority of the world’s population, are wholly supportive of this. Diversity, equity, and inclusion may have become politically charged words in some communities, but the younger generations see those terms as appropriate and meaningful.
No one has to be confined by terms of identity and orientation that aren’t right for them. And this is the case with lithromantics.
If the term lithromantic is new to you, not to worry. It is new to lots of people. The Greek word “Lithos” literally means “stone,” so that term lithromantic can somewhat refer to matters of the heart with aromantic people in general.
The short definition of lithromantic is someone who feels romantic attraction towards someone else but doesn’t want that romantic affection returned and tends to end a relationship once they do. It falls under the umbrella of the aromantic community, but it is a variation of the term aromantic. Lithromantic people will accept their own feelings of romantic interests and keep those feelings until they are returned by another. So, in theory, lithromantic individuals can feel romantic affection, but in real life, it’s not really there as a part of what we think of as mutual love. They are rather the opposite of alloromantic people who feel love and affection for others.
So, the Question: Can Lithromantic Individuals Have Relationships?
The answer? Yes, they can, if they partner up with the right person. Because lithromantic individuals view a relationship that falls within the aromantic spectrum, their relationships will usually be built upon strong platonic love and shared goals, visions, and values. And these types of partnerships can lead to a happy life for both, where open communication, shared interests, and quality time become the “meat” of their lifestyle. These relationships often result in children, with a close-knit family too. In short lithromantic people can have very healthy relationships.
It’s also important to understand that being lithromantic has nothing to do with gender identity or other orientations. Lithromantic individuals exist within the straight, gay, bisexual, trans, intersex, non-binary, and lesbian cultures, to name just some.
As to the psychology behind being lithromantic, as they say on Facebook profiles, “It’s complicated,” and there is no common case of a lithromantic orientation. Perhaps an adult is copying the relationship their parents had; perhaps it’s a defense mechanism out of fear of being abandoned; perhaps it is a natural vs. a nurturing development. The cause is probably a moot point. Lithromantic people experience a romantic orientation until they receive reciprocated love.
Could You Be Lithromantic?
There is no “test” lithromantic people can take. But there are traits. Here’s your checklist.
Lithromantics are Bothered by Gushy Romantics
Whether it’s a movie, TV show or just friends who are just hopeless in their romances and make their romances the key part of their lives, you just can’t get into their excitement. In fact, you become bored and even a bit repulsed by all this gushiness.
Lithromantics Fear Romance
You are afraid of getting too close and making yourself vulnerable, opening up to someone about having romantic feelings for them. And you are afraid that they will reciprocate those feelings. Then what will you do? This isn’t characteristic of all lithromantics but certainly many.
Platonic Relationships are a Lithromantic Thing
You never feel uncomfortable in a platonic relationship with someone. In fact, you far prefer it to a romantic relationship which certainly make you feel uncomfortable once that someone has professed romantic desire for you. It may be tough to find that platonic partnership, but it’s worth the effort. And when you do, that relationship is a big boost to your self-esteem.
Lithromantics Don’t Seek Out, Want, or Need a Romantic Relationship
This goes along with the trait above. You don’t want to experience romantic attraction, and you may even keep your attraction a secret and focus instead on friendship. Many lithromantics can feel uncomfortable in any close or physically intimate relationship. They may also tend to have only a few really close friends.
They also tend to have short relationships with others. They experience romantic attraction, but it goes away after the relationship begins, and they begin to lose that romantic emotion.
Lithromantics May Begin to Lose Interest When Someone Brings Up “Relationship”
Many Lithromantics in a relationship that begins as platonic but progresses to something more at the other’s suggestion can be a big turnoff. A lithromantic will back off, and often without much of an explanation. They’ll just have less time available. If you can relate to this, you’re probably lithromantic.
Lithromantics Begin with Physical Attraction
This is common with most people who share this identity. They have a crush on someone and feel physical attraction. Once that attraction becomes actually intimate, the lithromantic is satisfying physical needs and desires without speaking romance.
But if the partner begins to use the word commitment, things go south. Commitment is just not in the cards for them at a romantic level, and they don’t want to cross that line from physical to romantic emotions.
Lithromantics May Crush on Those Who are Not Available
This is a defense and safety mechanism. It’s easy to develop a crush and have a romantic relationship with someone who is already in a long-term relationship or married. They will never be available for a committed situation, so there is no fear of them asking for this. The relationship remains primarily physical. Even if the other speaks words of love, they are not threatening, so it’s all good.
Some May Be a “Temporary” Lithromantics
When a person has a hard and traumatic breakup, they may take themselves out of the romantic scene, even claiming that they are through with love and romance. This puts them on the aromantic spectrum but remember this: changing one’s identity is common and fully acceptable. You have the right to be or relate to any identity you choose at any given time. You may develop a romantic orientation in the future, and you may not.
Early Romantic Feeling for a Crush Fades Over Time
When a lithromantic gets into a romantic relationship, there will be relationship difficulties over time. They will simply fade, and the affection will too. They may continue physical intimacy, but lithromantics prefer to move more into a platonic, even business-like partnership.
They are not comfortable with physical intimacy if there are overtones of a romantic relationship, especially during foreplay or “afterglow” on the part of the other person.
Lithromantics May Feel Romantic Toward Fictional Characters
Here, you are in your “safe” zone, because such characters will never be able to reciprocate romantic attraction to you. Again, this is a good defense mechanism, and if you find it helpful and satisfying, go for it.
Lithromantics Don’t Mind Being Single
While your friends may not feel complete unless they have a romantic partner, you don’t mind being alone with yourself. There is a big difference between being lonely and being alone with yourself. If you are the latter, you may very well be a lithromantic.
Let’s Recap a Bit
Just who are lithromantics? They are any one of any gender or orientation how either permanently or temporarily may experience romantic feelings for another, who may develop crushes, and who may begin a romantic relationship. Ultimately, they will back off if the other person professes romantic feelings in return. This is a simplistic definition, of course, but the overriding concept is that romance is just not their thing.
It’s also important to remember that while Lithromantics may avoid a romantic relationship of any kind, they can and do have successful and healthy relationships that are long-lasting, including marriage and children. It’s just that lithromantics feelings toward their partners will be platonic and vice versa. Most lithromantics will back away or leave a person who professes romantic feelings and who wants a romantic commitment.
All of this is not to say that lithromantics do not desire intimacy. But it is of a different sort. They will have physical encounters with a partner so long as the romantic aspects are removed; they will have emotional intimacy with close friends, family members, and their children. In short, platonic love is their comfortable environment, not a romantic relationship.
The causes for people being lithromantics may be many and may include modeling the adult relationships in their household while growing up, fear of abandonment, having emotionally unavailable adults during formative years, and such. On the other hand, there is also the factor of “nature,” or simply not having the chemistry that desires romance.
While others feel lonely when they are not in a romantic relationship, lithromantics often like the idea of being alone with themselves and are comfortable in that environment. There is no desire to be with another person as a life need.
Interestingly, lithromantics will develop crushes on unavailable people, including characters in movies, books, or TV. Real life unavailable people, such as those who are already in long-term relationships, can also be the object of their feelings, because there is no threat that a person will reciprocate those feelings. Their lithromantic “world” is thus safe.
Lithromantics generally avoid talking about romance or related feelings and become bored with friends who must constantly talk about such things. They tend not to like media based on romance and just can’t relate to the interest that others have in such storylines.
Lithromantics may permanently identify as such, or they may only be a temporary lithromantic after a bad breakup. Either identity is valid because the idea that identities are totally flexible and fluid is valid.
Lithromantics fall generally under the aromantic umbrella on the LGBTQ spectrum; however, there are some small differences (e.g., pure aromantics do not develop romantic crushes) that cause lithromantics to want their own term identity. And while the term lithromantic may be relatively new, it is fast catching on with those who believe the traits fit them.
There is a lithromantic flag – one that is most common but other variations. Check them out here. All are seen a Pride events and parades – pick your favorite and go with it!
Bringing it Home
So, do you believe that you may be lithromantic?
If you have checked off several of the traits listed above, then, yes, you probably are.
Here’s the thing: You’re not weird, you’re not confused, and you’re not cold and unfeeling, and never let someone get away with making you feel that way. You know who you are right now, and that is a gift you have given yourself.
You don’t want committed relationships, especially when your initial romantic love meets up with feelings reciprocated by your crush.
The idea that your feelings change like this is normal, no matter what most people who have a strong romantic orientation think. If they have a sincere interest in lithromantics, you may be just the person to educate them a bit. If not, point them in the direction of a person you know who is willing.
Another part of “bringing it home” is to continue to promote interest on the part of society at large. It’s fortunate that we live in an era when people are coming around to the concept that everyone is a three-dimensional person, rather than just their gender and/or orientation. And the other great thing is that when labels don’t seem to fit just right, new labels are developed to match the stated traits and feelings of those who want something new to which they can identify. Expect that to continue without an endpoint.
As a lithromantic, you are a part of those groups whose feelings must be honored by others, both within the LGBTQ+ community and the larger society. Consider yourself and your fellow lithromantics pioneers of sorts!!
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