Kink has now become a "household word." This means that most adults between 18-55 are well aware of what the word means in terms of sexual activity. When it comes to open discussion and details, though, most people do tend to back off a bit - it's something that should only be talked about by consenting adults in their bedrooms. And the general consensus is that kinky sexual play is something that only a very few actually practice.
Well, let's blow the lid off these myths right now. Here are a few stats from anonymous surveys:
A 2015 study on sexual diversity had these findings:
37% of women and 43% of men have engaged in anal penetration
60% of women have watched adult films (soft and/or hard)
20% of all surveyed have engaged in bondage, 22% in role-play, and 30% in spanking
Since this study was 7 years ago, those numbers have probably risen.
Another survey of over 1000 people reported that almost half of the respondents were interested in kink, whether they had actually explored it or not.
And let's not forget the impact of the book and film Fifty Shades of Gray which brought soft kinky play into the limelight.
But we're a bit ahead of ourselves here. We need to speak about how we define sexual kink first.
Here we can go from "soft" to "heavy" and include a host of different activities. Let's explore these first as they apply to kink among lesbians.
A sexual fantasy is like a daydream story that women have in their heads about the sexual play they'd like to have with a lesbian partner. If you are having fantasies like this, more power to you. Tell your lesbian squeeze about them and see how you might act them out.
Role-play can be really fun. Take any fantasy and make it real - something you get more excited about. It's time to get hot and sexy together and make those stories come alive.
So, let's recall what a fetish is. It is a sexual turn-on involving something (usually an object or activity) that is not normally associated with sex but one that turns you on. A girl may have all kinds of fetishes - feet and toes, shoes, leather, rubber, enemas, and even diapers. Guys have them too. If you have any type of fetish, tell your partner about it. It should be added to your sexual play.
Here's another activity that can be popular with both gay guys and lesbian women. Watching another couple engage in a sexual act can be a real turn-on, and there are actually "clubs" where this can happen. If not close to where you are, enlist the help of another female couple and schedule times when you can watch each other have sex. In a kinkier scene, you can watch while your squeeze has sex with another lesbian and then reverse the roles. And if none of these options are available, watch an adult film together.
Have you run stories in your head about you and a lesbian partner having sex in public places or in front of chosen others? You are not alone. And there's nothing wrong as long as both of you have decided that this is a scene you want to play out. Again, go to clubs where members engage in this activity or invite other couples in to watch you.
If you've attended any Pride events, you know you can always find places for hot group sexual activity of all kinds. If you haven't had this kind of pleasure, but still want to fulfill this fantasy, you can always join an LGBTQ+ online dating app, chat up other lesbians who are close by, and "sell" your idea. You're bound to get some ladies who are willing and eager.
Here we are in a form of kinky behavior that has a wide range of activity. The letters stand for lots of things - bondage, dominance, submission, discipline, sadism, and masochism. So, attach any labels you want.
In lesbian BDSM, all of these terms can apply. And you and your squeeze can find satisfaction from milder forms - spanking, light forms of bondage, slave-master roles - all the way up to the use of whips, chains, and inflicting and/or receiving pain. If you and your lesbian lover want to explore this area of kinky stuff, you could start by watching film examples to get an idea of all of the options. Find out what turns you both on, and then strive to do the same in your own relationship.
There are some basic overall concepts that will ensure that neither of you is confused about what you both want and what will happen: communication, trust, understanding, and patience. For your relationship to stay in a good place, these four things are really important. That said, let's look at some to make your kinky stuff amazing for both of you.
You've watched plenty of film examples; you have fantasy stories built up in your head; you have realized that certain kinky stuff turns you on. Have you been speaking to your partner about any of this? Now's the time to do it. And your partner should be speaking to you about what she would like to do and try. Once you both agree on certain activities to try, go for it.
Variations of the play may come up while you are in the middle of it all. Again, communication is the key to consent. But before you get into any harder play at all, be sure that you both have set the "hard" boundaries up front. If you're not going to have your v-jay-jay and your anus penetrated at the same time, that's a "hard" boundary.
If you're going to get into any sadomasochistic activity, you know you will need a safe word, and, if your mouth is stuffed or covered, a gesture that your partner will be able to clearly see. Be safe out there!
Lots of your activity may warrant special things - strap-ons, dildos, vibrators, cuffs, lubes, harnesses, straps, leather/rubber suits, or even outfits for special kinds of role-play. If you are in a relationship, you and your partner can go shopping together - it's fun and you'll probably find yourselves laughing a lot. And when special occasions come up, there are always great presents to give each other. After all, even two people in the kinkiest relationship should have lives outside of the bedroom.
If you're not in a single relationship, be sure to have your clean equipment and supplies on hand for whatever may come up.
Pretty important here. You both want to come out of your play with your bodies and emotions intact. Talk through what went on, what felt good and what didn't, and what you'd maybe like to try next time. Be certain that your bodies are cleaned up too. Taking a shower together can seal intimacy and relax you both.
You bet. There is actually some research that reports on this. There is one study especially related to all levels of BDSM, that shows "practitioners" have lower levels of cortisol - a stress hormone that causes anxiety and irritability.
Other studies point to a greater sense of well-being when doms and subs reverse their roles from those they play in real life.
If, for example, your girlfriend has a career in which she supervises lots of others and has tough task responsibilities, being the submissive partner allows her to escape that role, if even for a while, will reduce her anxiety levels at work.
Likewise, the woman who has a largely submissive role at work can enjoy being a "switch" during sexual play and increase her confidence and other aspects of well-being.
It's sort of like getting into an altered state of consciousness like many people do when they practice Yoga, experience a "runner's high," or engage in a creative art of some type.
Yes, we still live in a society that sees kinky sexual activities as weird and/or abnormal. Fortunately, this myth is gradually dying out as more and more are willing to talk openly about it, and it is addressed both in film and literature.
And the attitude, especially among members of the LGBTQ community, that nothing is wrong in bed as long as both partners are down for it, is seeping out into the straight community too. Or maybe that community is just becoming more honest too.
If you want a sexual relationship that includes kinky play, then absolutely strive for that, with one or more of your partners. Engaging in sexual discovery, flexibility, and exploration really does make our lives fresher, more exciting, and, according to scientific research, mentally beneficial. How can any of that be "bad?"
In the words of writer Sarah Aswell,
"Go forth and get naughty."
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