Well, let’s blow the lid off some myths right now. Here are a few stats from anonymous surveys:
A 2015 study on unique romantic proclivities had these findings:
- 37% of women and 43% of men have engaged in non traditional intercourse
- 60% of women have watched adult films
- 20% of all surveyed have engaged in rope play, 22% in role-play, and 30% in contact play
- Since this study was 7 years ago, those numbers have probably risen.
Another survey of over 1000 people reported that almost half of the respondents were interested in non-vanilla activities, whether they had actually explored it or not.
Let’s not forget the fact that activities that aren’t quite vanilla have become more socially acceptable.
But we’re a bit ahead of ourselves here. We need to speak about how we define “not vanilla” first.
Defining “Not Vanilla”
Here we can go from “soft” to “heavy” and include a host of different activities. Let’s explore these first as they apply to lesbian activity that isn’t vanilla
Fantasy and Role Play
A fantasy is like a daydream story that women have in their heads about the intimate activities in which they would like to engage with another woman. If you are having fantasies like this, more power to you. Tell your girlfriend, wife, or partner about them and see how you might act them out.
Role-play can be really fun. Take any fantasy and make it real – something you get more excited about. It’s time to get excited together and make those stories come alive.
Voyeurism
Some people like to watch. You can go to clubs that specialize in this kind of thing. There may be couples who are into this as well. It’s possible to connect with them. Just be careful. Don’t be a unicorn hunter or a weirdo. Keep it to spaces where these things are acceptable and there’s some level of implied consent. You can also watch videos together.
Performance
Same as above. There’s nothing wrong with having an interest in this. Just remember that “the public” can’t consent to this kind of thing. Find ways to satisfy your curiosity that don’t get you and your gal pal put on a list.
Impact Play/Power Exchange/Rope Play
Call it what you want, there’s nothing wrong with it. Lots of lesbians enjoy these things. Just follow these tips:
- Talk and set boundaries ahead of time
- Use a safe word
- Aftercare is mandatory
- Only enthusiastic consent counts
- Be safe – people can get hurt if props are used inappropriately
There are books on this, social media pages dedicated to it, and videos on safe play. Get educated and go have fun!
Vanilla is Fine – If You Want Something Spicier Follow These Rules
There are some basic overall concepts that will ensure that neither of you is confused about what you both want and what will happen: communication, trust, understanding, and patience. For your relationship to stay in a good place, these four things are really important. That said, let’s look at some to make your spicier times amazing for both of you.
Mutual Consent
You’ve watched plenty of film examples; you have fantasy stories built up in your head; you have realized that certain spicy stuff turns you on. Have you been speaking to your partner about any of this? Now’s the time to do it. And your partner should be speaking to you about what she would like to do and try. Once you both agree on certain activities to try, go for it.
Agree on Boundaries
Variations of the play may come up while you are in the middle of it all. Again, communication is the key to consent. But before you get into any spicier play at all, be sure that you both have set the “spicy” boundaries up front.
Safe Words or Gestures at All Times Please
If you’re going to get into any really spicy activity, you know you will need a safe word, and, if you are unable to speak, a gesture that your partner will be able to clearly see. Be safe out there!
Equipment and Supplies
There are brick and mortar stores and online sellers too! They specialize in toys, clothing, and other accessories you might need to go from vanilla to spicy. Feel free to curate a collection to have on hand, or go shopping with your partner.
Let go of your inhibitions and have fun. You’ll find things that excite you, and things that make you laugh. Keep in mind that these items make great gifts, assuming you have the same tastes.
While you are shopping, think about safety and cleanliness. Yes, spicy toys require special care.
Aftercare
Spicy play can be intense. It can bring up emotions that you don’t always expect. These things are also physically taxing. Take time to connect and communicate. If you are a top or dom, remember that you are responsible for making sure your partner is okay.
So, Are There Benefits to Your Not-so-Vanilla Behavior?
You bet. There is actually some research that reports on this. There is one study especially related to all levels of spiciness, that shows “practitioners” have lower levels of cortisol – a stress hormone that causes anxiety and irritability.
Other studies point to a greater sense of well-being when doms and subs reverse their roles from those they play in real life.
If, for example, your girlfriend has a career in which she supervises lots of others and has tough task responsibilities, being the submissive partner allows her to escape that role, if even for a while, will reduce her anxiety levels at work.
Likewise, the woman who has a largely submissive role at work can enjoy being a “vers” during bedroom play and increase her confidence and other aspects of well-being.
It’s sort of like getting into an altered state of consciousness like many people do when they practice Yoga, experience a “runner’s high,” or engage in a creative art of some type.
Ditch the Myths and Taboos About Spicy Fun
Yes, we still live in a society that sees spicy fun activities as weird and/or abnormal. Fortunately, this myth is gradually dying out as more and more are willing to talk openly about it, and it is addressed both in film and literature.
And the attitude, especially among members of the LGBTQIA+ community, that nothing is wrong in bed as long as both partners are down for it, is seeping out into the straight community too. Or maybe that community is just becoming more honest too.
If you want a relationship that includes spicy play, then absolutely strive for that, with one or more of your partners. Engaging in discovery, flexibility, and exploration really does make our lives fresher, more exciting, and, according to scientific research, mentally beneficial. How can any of that be “bad?”
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