In 1989, a movie hit the big screen – When Harry Met Sally. Two college grads share a ride from Chicago to New York City – Sally to attend journalism school and Harry to take a job he has landed. On the trip, they discuss whether a guy and a girl can be “just friends.” Harry say no; Sally says yes. When they arrive in New York, they part company.
Over the next 12 years, they run into each other a few times, and, as they have both had failed relationships, decide that they can be friends. This leads to many phone calls, during which they support each other through their relationship problems.
Because this is a movie, though, it had to have a happy ending. Harry and Sally end up professing their love and get married. It was just the times really. Boy meets girl; boy and girl have a falling out; boy and girl get back together.
But there is a question here. Can two people have an intimate relationship in real life that does not involve romance and sex?
Sounds like we need to explore this whole concept of intimacy.
Just What is Intimacy?
The dictionary definition of intimacy puts the term in different contexts.
- It is a close familiarity or friendship with synonyms of closeness, togetherness, rapport, and attachment, such as that between best friends.
- It can refer to a cozy and private setting
- It is a euphemism for sexual intercourse – lovemaking or sexual relations
If we look at the first definition, we are really talking about close platonic relationships, named after Plato.
How Plato Figures in All of This
Plato was an ancient Greek philosopher who produced a ton of written literature and treatises on many topics, including love. One of his most well-known treatises on love is called Submissions. In it, a bunch of fictional characters of his own making discuss the topic of love. Eventually, they conclude that the highest form of love is an intimacy between two or more people that does not involve sexual activity.
Thus, the term “platonic love” was born. And it refers to that type of bond that people feel in a true friendship that is so close, each person feels comfortable sharing all of their innermost thoughts, feelings, struggles, goals, dreams, joys, sorrows, flaws, and more – the only physical contact being that which shows non-sexual love for one another. (On a side note, Plato defied all odds of his time and lived to the age of 80).
Let’s Talk Friendship Relationships
Who doesn’t have a group of best friends (besties) that they hang out with on a pretty regular basis?
- Guys have close friends they have known as far back as elementary and high school and probably picked up some more from their university years. They plan get togethers of all kinds. Mostly, these are straight guys who would never be accused of being “gay.”
- Gay guys have their groups of close friends too. They may have romantic and sexual primary partners, but these friendships go beyond that and are based on interests they have in common.
- Straight women have close friendships too. These women gather for outings, events, and even short vacations together, enjoying each other’s company. They hug; they support each other during bad times and celebrate each other during the good ones. No one would ever “accuse” them of being queer women. Many, in fact, have husbands who fill many of their needs, just not those that best friends can.
- When it comes to queer women, aka lesbians, society seems to balk at the idea that queer ladies can have close friendships in the same way that others do. It’s weird really. Somehow, queer female friendships are impossible, and sex must necessarily be involved. Maybe the story of U-Haul queer women lingers.
But lesbian platonic connections and friendships absolutely are real, and they are just like those of any other communities. They just happen to be a queer community made up of females.
So, let’s unpack all of the types of friendship connections of queer women.
How Friendships Among Queer Women Happen
In some weird way, people tend to think that friendships among queer women are somehow different from close friendships of other people. News flash – queer women are just like any other women, except for their sexual orientation. They have goals, dreams, jobs and careers, fears, challenges, struggles, and joys, just like all women.
Some are single, some are dating, some have partners in long-term relationships. And the point to be made here is that, just like all women (and men), queer women have queer friends who meet many needs that they have for friendship, support, advice, and camaraderie – needs that a partner cannot fully meet.
One person simply cannot meet all of the emotional needs of another person. So, having best friends aside from that primary person in life is really a mental health thing, as people realized centuries ago. So, how and where do these friendships for queer women come about? From the same places that friendships come about for all people. It just makes sense.
Making Queer Female Connections on the Ground
Bars
Yep. That’s right. Gay bars are still alive and well in and close to metro areas. And it’s the first place that many queer people, including queer women, choose to go to make connections. Fellow queer women will probably be there, and you have a chance to meet one or more with whom you may connect and feel that a good friendship can develop. Take a chance. You have nothing to lose, and the relationship just might develop into one of close friendship without the baggage of romantic or sexual attachments.
If you sense that this meetup has romantic or sexual intentions, just walk away. No harm, no foul.
Volunteer Work
Best friends often come from shared passions. For queer people, these can happen via volunteer work. If queer women want friends among other queer women, volunteering with LGBTQ+ organizations is one of the places to go. Metro areas all over the country have Pride organizations that function year-round as they advocate for and provide a supportive space for the entire population. You will certainly feel welcomed and just might connect with other women with whom you have much in common and become close friends.
Campus Organizations
Here is another on-the-ground possibility for meeting queer women friends who could very well become close platonic relationships. Most campuses have groups for queer women, and they are open to public membership in their surrounding communities. While many find dating relationships in these groups, you can speak to your specific needs for friends, not lovers. Join one or two – you never know where a friend may be found.
Just watch your relationships carefully. If a friend begins to show signs of falling for you romantically, you’ll need to explain that you are not looking for that and cut off the relationship. Your friendship has been ruined but better now than later. Recognize the signs and break it off early.
Chance Encounters
These are by far some of the best ways to find friends that will become key movers in your world of queer female friends. One of our favorite examples is of a queer woman seated next to another woman on an airplane. She happens to glance over and see that this woman is reading the novel, The Price of Salt (also known as Carol). It’s one of her favorite books about queer female love. So, they strike up a conversation and find many other commonalities. They just feel close pretty quickly. Lo and behold, they discover that they only live a few miles from each other. The “rest is history” as the saying goes.
These are all on-the-ground spaces where your expectations for close friendships can materialize. But there are lots of digital spaces too. And exploring those digital spaces could also create connections with those living nearby that you might never have met otherwise.
Digital Spaces for Making Close Friendships
Connecting with like-minded women in cyberspace is pretty common these days. In fact, many prefer linking up with others in digital space. It’s become a pretty big part of life today for people to start dating but also to find friends who can stem loneliness, show understanding, give advice, answer questions, and speak to common issues. It’s just a major part of our world today. And for those who are on the shy side, it’s often feels much easier to have conversations online – much less fear.
Here are some online sources for linking up with fellow queer women.
Chat Rooms
There are plenty of these, but you will need to watch which ones you choose. There are no identity verifications, and anyone can get on them. Many of them are for dating and have a lot of adult talk. Steer clear of those and look for those where queer women discuss their experiences, challenges, ask and give advice, answer each other’s questions, and make you feel validated.
And never make the mistake that first-time users do of meeting up in person except in a very public place, during daylight hours, with your own transportation provided.
Of course, look for the cues that any posts are suspect. If someone asks what you are wearing, for example, you know the chat room is not for you.
Social Media
All major social media platforms have groups, and at least one will exist for queer women looking only for non-romantic friendships. If not, take the plunge and start one yourself. If you do that, make sure you are very clear about the purpose of the group you are starting, so no one has to guess what you are all about.
The nice thing about social media groups is that members can link up with like-mindeds in person close to where they are living. They may feel they want to go offline and meet up in person. More than one social group has moved into offline groups where they meet regularly, share great friendships, and enrich their life.
Online Friendship Matching Services
Everyone has heard of online dating services. They have exploded in recent years, and over 350 million people use them globally.
But there are also matching services for linking for those who feel they prefer a digital experience for friendships. If you haven’t realized this before, just Google “friendship matching services” and you’ll find a bunch. Once you register, you can state exactly who and what you are looking for. Most offer both messaging and phone calls, but for those who prefer to just write, texting and messaging are ideal.
With all of this out of the way, it’s now time to speak to those who have a primary romantic lover at home, because their needs matter, and you must remain mindful of keeping things smooth and comfortable there.
Another important point here. Don’t discount online dating services. Most of them will have options for those seeking friendships. Start with those that are specifically for the LGBTQ+ population, sites like Taimi, for instance.
Keeping Your Primary Relationship Healthy and Happy
Here are some “rules” to guide your primary love partnership at home
- Never make any of your exes a part of your socializing. Nothing can be more painful for your lover than to know that you are maintaining contact with those you were once romantically attracted to. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if your lover’s exes were still part of her life?
- If you spend too much time with your friends, it is certainly possible that you love will feel jealous of the time you are spending with them. Being jealous can cause all sorts of problems at home.
- If you feel being attracted to and falling for a friend, you must cut her out of your life. Be nice about it but explain that you will not do anything to jeopardize what you have at home. Your life with your primary love is too important to put it at risk.
- If you find yourself falling for someone else and you don’t feel the same with your primary love, then you must be totally honest and, painful as it may be, break up. Will you feel some guilt about it? Of course you will, but this scenario is actually pretty common. Just never try to string both of them on. That is betrayal at its worst. We shouldn’t even have to comment on this
We’ve Come to the End of the Road
If you’ve stuck with us, you now have everything you need to pursue queer female friendships that will satisfy your needs. And do not discount the importance of those friendships. They can fulfil the needs that all humans have for connecting with others in meaningful ways.
Share this post:
