Lesbian Couples – Getting Closer

Psychologists tell us that we all have four levels to our personality.

Level 1 is our “public personality” – that which everyone we encounter gets to see and know – acquaintances, co-workers, those we meet for the first time, etc.

Level 2 is reserved for friends, some family members, and work colleagues we get to know. It reveals more about us – such things as our likes and dislikes, our favorite things, some of our goals and passions, and such.

Level 3 is what we show to those closest to us – family members with whom we are really close, our closest friends, romantic partners, our therapists if we have them, and so on. At this level we reveal our joys and biggest fears, our life goals, what we want our future to look like, our spiritual beliefs, our relationship goals – those things that most people do not know about us.

Level 4 is comprised of those things that we don’t reveal to anyone – perhaps things from our childhood that we don’t speak about, our deep and innermost thoughts, things we have regret or guilt about. While psychologists will say that it is not healthy to keep these things buried, we all do it at least to some degree.

So, what does any of this has to do with lesbian couples getting closer? A lot actually. As lesbian relationships develop and grow, it is only natural that the partners get to know each other on a deeper level – a healthy relationship requires this. They have to get to level 3, and level 4 may be punctured a bit too.

Ways in Which Queer Women Partners Get Closer

How do lesbian couples get closer? Well, they ask each other questions, carefully listen to their partner’s answers, be totally honest with their answers, and have time to talk about those answers. And yes, time is required.

While the early stages of a relationship are fun and exciting, from the first date forward, and the sex is amazing, no healthy relationship that lasts focuses only on these. The standing joke is that queer women are the U-Haul queens, though that is pretty much a myth. Lesbian couples must explore their compatibility and how they will fit into each other’s world, if they hope to have a future together.

Lesbian couples can become closer as they continue to date, introduce each other to friends and family, share life events together, do daily activities like shopping and grabbing lunch together. And if they are living together, how each feels about and divides up household chores. But that still keeps them at level 2 and somewhat into level 3.

It’s time to get serious about digging into what makes each other really “tick.” And the best way to do that is to set aside periods of time to spend on asking important questions that will reveal their inner selves.

So, let’s have a look at these important questions.

Questions Lesbian Should Ask One Another

OK. So, we are not going to waste time asking those mundane questions like “What’s your favorite kind of pizza?” or “Who’s your favorite actress?” or “What’s your favorite color?” These things are all at level 1, and you’ll find these things out about the other person as you date. What these questions get to is revelations about a person’s life style, about their sense of self, about their perspectives on issues, about their goals and values, their passions, their thinking patterns, what turns them on and off, and more.

Here’s a long list. Now, it’s important that you set aside enough time for these and that they are not all asked and answered in one sitting. Both of you will tire pretty easily and answers will become shorter and less revealing.

The best approach is to set aside several date nights, in between the fun ones, to have these question-answer sessions. All work and no play will not endear you to one another – one thing you don’t want is to make these conversations become drudgery.

The Basics – Some Personal Background Questions

Now, here’s another point. If your connection is only online right now, you’ll want to have these conversations via video calls, because you need to observe their nonverbal behaviors as well as their words.

Here’s some good initial questions to ask:

• Where do you live now? What do you like or dislike about it?
• Where did you grow up? What did you like or dislike about it?
• What’s your favorite memory from your childhood?
• Are you close to your parents? What other family members are you close to? Why?
• How would describe your relationship with your mother?
• What was your favorite thing to do as a kid?
• If you could live anywhere, where would you choose?
• Do you consider yourself an introvert, an extrovert, or somewhere in between?
• Would you say your childhood was happy? What made it happy?
• If you could change anything about your childhood, what would that be?
• When did you know you were a lesbian (or bi)? How did you come out to your family and friends? Were they supportive? Who was the first person you came out to? Why?
• What do you consider the greatest accomplishment of your life to date?
• What would you say in your biggest failure in your life so far?
• What is the most terrible memory you have?
• If you could invite one celebrity to dinner, who would that be?
• What’s one talent or skill you wish you had?
• Do you sing and dance when alone at home?
• What kind of music do you listen to most?
• What are you most grateful for right now?
• What would you list as your greatest accomplishment so far in your life?

These questions will give you insights into a person’s background and personal growth. Psychologists will all say that someone’s childhood really impacts the person they are today. If you are interested in making a deep connection with this person you are dating, you have to know about their background, and they must know about yours. Answers to these questions will also give you clues about their values and priorities – things you will pursue more in depth later on.

Questions About Lifestyle and Preferences

Again, these will give each of you a lot of insight into what a person considers important for a happy life. And the responses give you both much more info to judge compatibility. Listen carefully to the answers this person gives and be completely honest with your answers.

• What’s your idea of how to spend a perfect day?
• What activities do you find fun?
• Are you an outdoors or indoors person?
• What are your favorite movies that you could watch over and over again? What makes those movies special to you? Are there any movies that you hate? Why?
• Are there special causes that you support? Why are they important to you?
• What makes someone attractive to you?
• When you meet a stranger, what is the first question you would ask them or tell them about yourself?
• What’s your process for deciding how to spend money? What are your priorities on spending money?
• What do you do for self-care?
• What is one thing you are really passionate about? How does that play out in your activities?
• Urban, suburban, or country living?
• What kind of women do you find most attractive? (more on this later)
• What’s something most people don’t know about you?
• When you are facing a big challenge, who do you go to for support
• What is your typical day like? How about your perfect day of leisure?
• How much leisure time do you have right now?
• What’s your idea of a fun date?
• What is your favorite hobby? How much time do you spend on it in a week?
• Do you have pets? If not, what would be one you would like to have? (If they say fish, consider that a pretty definite “no” on dogs or cats.
• Do you like to travel? What was your last trip?
• Do you have a dream travel destination? Why?
• Do you use Tik Tok? What’s the best video you’ve made?
• Do you read or watch media with queer/lesbian women in leading roles? What’s one of your favorites?
• Do you have a bucket list? What are the top three things? If not, what would be the top three items on your list?
• What’s the most important quality in a friend?
• How would your friends describe you in a few words?
• If you suddenly came into a lot of money, what are the first things you would do?
• If you knew that you only had a year to live, how would you change your lifestyle in that one year?
• Your house is on fire, and everyone is out safely. You can go back in the house for one thing – what is it?
• What would co-workers (or fellow students) say is a great trait you have?
• What makes you leave a room feeling happy?
• What’s special about your best friend?

Questions About Sexuality

Now, these are going to get pretty personal, so you need to save these until your relationship is further down the road. You may have already had some fun sex and feel that you have connected well. But that connection won’t go to the next level until you both have been open about your sexual orientation.

• How would you describe your sexual orientation? Are you pure lesbian, bi, bi-curious, or what?
• Do you have a community of queer friends? (This is kind of important. If your connection deepens and you become a couple, it’s important that you both have outside interests and friendships. You can’t walk through life attached at the hip – you will both smother each other. Make sure she has a support community that might include parents, family members, but also a social group of peers that she hangs out with.
• How important is it that you stay connected to others in the LGBTQ+ population whose sexuality is not the same as yours? (Are you both on the same page here? If one of you has a strong sense of commitment to the entire queer community and the other tends to shy away from that, you may feel some incompatibility. It’s certainly something to watch as you go forward. As partners, you do want to feel that you have a compatible sense of mission, and this is one possibility, although not the only one by any means).

Compatibilities

So, if you have gotten through all of the basics and all of the lifestyle and preferences questions, you have already been dating for a while and have connected enough to keep going. (Remember, these sessions need to be portioned out – this is not an interrogation, it’s an exploration).

Now, there will be no more talk about movies, about how you would approach a stranger, what you do for work or play, your family your favorite thing to do, who you rely on for support, your process for problem solving, money, or even one quality that you want in a friend.

You have connected enough on these things to feel comfortable moving into the deep stuff.

The next of the best deep questions for lesbian couples will be in the area of important compatibilities, and there are several areas you will need to dig into with your dating partner.

Compatibility in Relationship Goals

Relationship goals can change as that relationship plays out, but you both need to know where you sit at this point in your life, not one year from now. So here are questions that let you talk about your ideas on relationships.

• What are you looking for in a relationship? (It’s a simple question but one that can lead to more conversation or one that stops one or both of you in your tracks. If one partner is looking for something long-term and the other partner wants something very casual, it’s a good idea to get that out in the very beginning., so both partners can move on). On the other hand, if intentions run between casual and serious, the partner who is more on the serious side can always say they are open to a casual vibe right now and see where things lead. This takes pressure off both partners and allow more conversation on other compatibilities that you save for later.
• Do you have a type of lesbian you want? So, there are all sorts of places where lesbians fall on the full spectrum of sexualities. Two femmes may create a great match; a femme and a butch may create a good match; a trans female may be looking for either a femme or a butch. Partners must talk about what type they are and what type they want in a connection. Again, this can be a dealbreaker if each is totally set on what they want, and they are not compatible.
• Have you dated women before? This is important so that each person knows where the other is in their journey of being a queer woman. A newbie may need help and support from a girlfriend who is more experienced. This can create a great bond. If both are newbies, they can create their own journey together? And this is a question that could probably be asked earlier on in the date night sessions reserved for questions.
• Are you a switch, top, or bottom? Talk about positions is important. If one partner is a bottom and passionate about always being a bottom, that can lead to frustration if the other is a switch and wants to be bottom sometimes. Better to have a conversation about this and determine if there is any flexibility.
• Do you feel that the cliche about lesbians moving too quickly in their relationships is correct (the old U-Haul thing)? What would you do to assure that this does not happen to us? Both need to agree to a good pace for the relationship to develop into something deep.
• What do you think about PDA? This might play well in certain situations and circumstances but not in others. Showing affection in public might feel perfectly fine for one, but the other is hesitant or maybe not “out” yet. If both can feel comfortable with a compromise, or one is willing to hold off so the other feels comfortable, that shows maturity in the relationship. After all, life is full of compromises.
• Are you monogamous or do you have affection and share sex with more than one at a time? This is a critical conversation to have. If one girlfriend is strictly monogamous and feels deeply about it, the two will really be connected. Best to know before things go any further.

Compatibilities Based Upon Future Visions

Visions deal with what people see for their futures. If two girlfriends have deep convictions about where they are going in life, it’s best to have that serious conversation. Suppose one girlfriend sees themself moving and shaking things up while the other just wants to settle into a quiet life journey. This could spell problems. Ask the important questions now.

• Do you see yourself living where you do now forever, or would you be open to living anywhere else? Maybe one girlfriend’s favorite thing is to stay right where she is because she has deep roots and wouldn’t consider living anywhere else. This would be pretty tough if the other partner has visions of living somewhere else. And for the LGBTQ+ population, this is important. There are places where queer girlfriends may not be well received at all.
• Where do you think you will be on your life journey three years from now? What will you be doing then? If two partners see themselves on totally different paths, this will be a problem. One partner may feel best being right where they are, living a calm quiet life. The other may want to have traveled to several different countries to get a world view perspective before getting a clear sense of their future. Full compromise on these things only happens in the movies. Real life doesn’t behave that way, and one may come to feel deep resentment if they sacrifice their vision for that of their partner’s.

Compatibility of Values

This is a biggie, and both will have to have this conversation on a serious level. If values are not aligned, there is no future for a healthy, successful partnership. This conversation should take place when both feel up for it and are ready to be fully honest.

So, here goes.

• How would you characterize your political views – reactionary, conservative, liberal, radical? Politics has brought about crashing ends to relationships with friends and family, and it can bring about a crashing end to a lesbian relationship too. Neither of you should want to get too deep into a relationship only to find out that you have entirely opposing views on the importance of diversity, equality and inclusion, social justice, and basic human rights in a world that is in turmoil as ours is right now.
• Do you see yourself getting married one day? Getting married today is really not a favorite thing of a lot of people. They prefer long-term partnerships, which can be the same thing as long as they are monogamous. Marriage is on the decline for many reasons, so maybe the partner whose heart is set on marriage could settle for a monogamous partnership.
• Do you want children? Whoa, here is something to have a deep conversation about. Children bring a whole new dynamic to any relationship, so both need to know where the other stands. One may never be ready for kids while the other is dead set and passionate about having them and will not feel their life would be complete without them. Dealbreaker for sure.

Now that we’ve covered the topics of compatibility, there is one more topic to discuss.

Relationship Style and Readiness/Maturity

Defining a relationship style is hard, but there are several aspects that will be telling. Here are some questions both should ask one another.

• How do you like to communicate? One may want phone calls; one may want video calls; someone else may prefer texts. Some may want to communicate throughout the day; someone else may want to wait until there workday is over, and they can be relaxed. Both must have a conversation about how and when they communicate best. If not, it’s easy for someone to feel slighted or ignored. And someone else may feel that are being inundated with calls or messages. Getting this all straight in the beginning can allow the compromise that will work for both.
• What’s your idea of a healthy relationship? Listen carefully during this talk because it can give you insight into the other’s emotional maturity. If the conversation goes along the lines of partners having a special bond and relationship that is a priority but also have their separate friends, social circles, hobbies, and such, then maturity is obvious.
• How do you like to give and receive affection? Is it small surprise gifts? Is it spontaneous physically intimate gestures? When both know what their other wants, it’s easy to fulfill those needs.
• When was the last time you were in serious relationship? Some may not have had a serious relationship before. Others may have had a few. But it’s good to know how long ago this was, so that some follow up inquiries can proceed.
• How long ago was the end of your last relationship? It’s important to know this. If it’s been just a short while, have they had sufficient healing time to move onto a new relationship?
• Why did your last relationship end? This is important. Was there cheating involved? Was the relationship abusive in any way? It’s important to know just how much healing a person may be facing.
• Are you completely over your ex? Watch carefully for the response – not just the words but the nonverbal clues too. When a person looks down or fidgets, chances are they have not fully healed yet. It means that a new partner who really wants this relationship will have to tread very slowly and prolong the process of relationship development.
• Are you on friendly terms with your ex? This can be a great sign of maturity and a relationship that hit the skids out of mutual agreement that the relationship was wrong, and both have agreed and accepted that.

Have You Hung in There?

If so, good for you. Relationships are complicated, and adding the component of lesbian relationships can complicate things even more in a world that is complicated. Just remember this: Every relationship is unique, and even your closest friends may not be able to relate to yours. That okay. This is all about you and your lesbian girlfriend, no one else.