Published 18.04.2024
11 min read

How To Be a Dom - You Can Do This

Alan Schin (he/him/his) is the Chief Editor at Taimi. He wears several hats daily as a writer, editor, blogger, and content contributor. He began his university studies as a Psychology student but found his passion in Advanced Communication Studies. Alan loves having the opportunity to write and help our content team shine. According to Alan, his education helps him to understand the dynamics behind dating and socialization better. When he isn’t busy with Taimi, Alan works on his first novel, a sci-fi thriller, and creates works of art in his ceramics studio.

So, you have explored the world of BDSM a bit, maybe only through videos or from reading books like Fifty Shades of Grey, and you find it turns you on. Maybe you watched those videos with your partner, and they are turned on too. Now you've both decided to give some BDSM play a try.

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Table of Content

    Of course, you're both newbies at this, and you have to decide who is going to play the dominant role and who will be the submissive. Those roles can alternate back and forth as you both get more experienced with the role-play. For now, though, you are going to be the dom. But first, of course, you will have to learn exactly how to be a dom.

    It's a Process

    Understand this. You are not going to be a professional dominatrix or dominator overnight. Most folks who get to that level have been at it for years and now teach others, usually via videos or consenting group BDSM play. It might be a good idea, though, to enroll in some type of training by a professional dominatrix, so that whatever BDSM play you use is done right. The training should include your partner, so they are fully aware of what will be involved in each type of submissive role play. In fact, lots of training includes both - a good idea when couples decide to reverse roles at any point.

    Now, Let's Get Into that Process of Dom Behaviors and the Types of BDSM Play Available to You and Your Partner

    Begin With Consent - It's More Than Just a "Yes"

    Any sexual activity should involve the consent of each partner, but it is even more critical for BDSM play - after all, it does involve pain/pleasure and at least mild forms of sexual "torture." According to sex therapist Tania Glyde, " BDSM, negotiation must happen, both in terms of personal boundaries and in asking for what you want, because there could be damage done if not."

    Here is what "consent" must include:

    • A fully detailed description of exactly what type of BDSM play will be done during the episode, including body parts to be included.
    • Consent of both partners to any sex toys that will be used
    • Agreement on the safe words or gestures that will be used by the submissive when the activity must stop. If a safe word is not possible because a mouth may be taped, for example, then there must be an agreed-upon gesture.
    • Once details are agreed upon, both partners must still be enthusiastic about the episode. If not, save it for another time. One of you isn't ready. You have to ensure consent before you do anything.

    Agree Upon Boundaries

    Boundaries are more general "restrictions" on what can occur during any BDSM episode. Whether you are partnering with a submissive man or woman, the genitals and other erogenous zones are very different, and so will the boundaries be.

    Now boundaries may vary, depending upon the levels of experience that partners have. Some boundaries may be permanent, meaning certain activities will always be prohibited. Other boundaries may just be temporary. As someone becomes more comfortable, trusting, and more experienced, these boundaries may fall away.

    But all boundaries must be discussed before any activity occurs.

    Consider Getting Some Experience Via Sex Workers

    There are lots of BDSM "therapists" whose sex work focuses on providing experience to total newbies who want to learn how to be a dominatrix or dom. They will teach you how to play a dominant role in their own professional role as a therapist and teacher. You will get experience in things like real-life lifestyle dominatrices and how they operate. And this will help you determine if that lifestyle is for you. The BDSM community is unique, and if you are determined to enter it, then you need to be fully immersed in its culture. Once you have made this decision, it is time to include your partner if you have not already. And you must also get ready for the actual events.

    Getting Prepared for the Big Events

    You have a lot of preparations in store if you are going to enter this "world." Being a dominatrix and preparing for an event will involve some thought and experimentation.

    Get a Theme

    If you have watched any videos, you know that each episode will involve role-playing, and that is where a theme or scene comes in. Typical scenarios might be doctor-patient; prison guard-prisoner; teacher-student; master-slave; master-pet; boss-employee. You can check out various scenarios online and choose one together.

    Dress the Part

    Costuming is important if you and your partner are going to set the scene to play out well. It puts you in the mental mood to get into the character of the roles you have defined. There are costumes all over the place for purchase, but you can probably do this cheaper if you are on a budget by buying key pieces at regular stores and then buying the right sex toys for the play.

    Practice on Your Own

    Being a dom takes practice. Put on your costume and get in front of a mirror. What should your body language be? If you are unmasked, what facial expressions will you use? What should you say and what should your voice tone be? Search for some videos with the same scenarios and see how that dom acts and speaks. Try to imitate some of that as you practise.

    One note here: as a beginner, start with a simpler scenario. Most people work their way up to more complex themes as they become more practised.

    Getting Down to the Basics

    Here are the basics of being a dom:

    • You are in charge. You tell your sub when and if they may speak, if at all, and how they must address you - master, king/queen,
    • You dictate the positions your sub is to assume and how they will be restrained.
    • You are in charge of the sex toys to be used and the type of sex that will happen
    • You control the sexual foreplay and the "punishments" when your sub does not comply with any commands you have given
    • You may not engage in any sexual punishments or orgasm torture that have not been agreed upon in advance, and you may never "punish" for the use of a safe word or gesture.

    Now the Good Part: Types of BDSM Sex

    Oh, the possibilities, all of which will come to you as you continue your journey into BDSM sex. But in general, here are the types of BDSM activities and the sex toys that can be used to increase the sexual pleasures for both the dom and the sub.

    Playing with Sensations

    We have those five senses - sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch. Depriving a submissive man or woman of any of these can certainly be a type of "torture." They cannot see or hear what might be coming next, for example. And this means they will not be able to see what touch sensations they will feel either.

    In terms of sex toys for playing with sensations, try some of these with your partner:

    • Blindfolds - when you deprive the sub of their sight, they have no way to know what is coming next. For both the dom and sub, this can bring on sexual arousal.
    • Ticklers and Pinwheels - These range from a feathery tickle to a more "painful." Pain can be a big part of BDSM sexual arousal for men and women, and pinwheels provide this, depending upon the pressure you apply.
    • Playing with Temperature - If your partner is blindfolded, then they have no idea of what you may do next. And this may be a good time to add some "heat" or cold to the mix. This can be done via special candles. These do not have actual flames but can be used to heat various erogenous parts of the body. Contrast that with the immediate application of cold, and you have a pleasure/pain sensation that can bring a sub straight to the verge of orgasm, but only if you want that (more on this later).
    • Internal Sensation Play - Dildos have been around for a long time but in the world of BDSM, there are many that do more than just create sexual arousal and orgasm. There are many devices that can be inserted into vaginas and anuses to create painful sensations and provide complete domination over your sub. There are dildos with pumps that expand; hollow dildos that stretch and provide avenues for liquids of all types to be poured in; there are speculum tools to spread openings for viewing of insertion of other objects. Research these with your partner to be certain that both of you will feel comfortable using some of these more "rigorous" toys. While the goal may be to inflict some pain, it still must be done in a safe space.


    Bondage is all about restraining your partner to give them a feeling of helplessness and you a feeling of power. Their sex life for the session is and the pain or pleasuring is all up to you. Here are the devices that can be used for bondage purposes

    Ropes - There are specially designed ropes for bondage play - colorful, stretchy, and able to be tied easily. As you become more expert, you may want to even learn some fancy knots, especially if the two of you intend to film or photograph any session for future viewing. The one caution here is making certain those ropes are not tied too tightly and keep some rope shears handy just in case. Bondage tape is an alternative

    Scarves - These are for lighter bondage sessions and the sub can probably wiggle out of them if that's part of the plan.

    Cuffs - Cuffs can be used for wrists and ankles of course - binding hands and feet together or to bed posts/chairs. Less give and the sub is restrained until you choose to release.

    Ball Gag - these will silence your sub for sure - no need to give a command to not speak. If things get too over the top, an eye roll can be used as a safe sign. Combined with other restraints, you are the absolute master or mistress.

    Chains and Leashes - if your fantasy includes a scene of torture, chains are a great visual effect. Leashes of course are for pet play.

    Devices for Impact Play

    Oh the possibilities - a full array of toys and devices:

    Whips and Crops - Whips come in a variety of materials - rope, leather, etc. Practice on yourself first, so you know the feel of the impact you will be giving. And in the act of actually using it, your sub can tell you if they want more or less

    Paddles - A perfect tool for a teacher/student fantasy. After all, they were once used in schools as punishment. This may get you into your character well. Again, practice on yourself first.

    Miscellaneous Torture Tools

    For Men in the Dom Role Over Men: Ball torture, in the form of stretchers and crushers, have become pretty popular and, most are adjustable for the amount of pain you want to inflict. Weight and pressure can be increased to deliver punishment when commands are not followed. Be sure the safe word or sign is in place

    For a Woman Dominatrix on Woman: There are plenty of vaginal and anal stretchers, many that expand once inserted, as well as those that change shapes in preparation for larger objects, even a fist. And then there are also those nipple clamps that can be adjusted as punishment must be inflicted. (Note: nipple clamps can be pretty effective on men too).

    Not an Overnight Process

    Becoming a dom is a long-term path of learning and practicing. You will need to use a variety of learning activities - watch videos, get some training and teaching online, and perhaps join local groups of the BDSM community. And the process of learning domination is gradual - no room for being impatient or you will try things too soon and end up doing them wrong. "Practice makes perfect" is a very old saying, but it really holds true here.

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