You want to find a healthy partner and avoid the nightmare of a toxic relationship. The best way to do that is to be aware of warning signs that crop up in dating that indicate early red flags. After all, it’s best to find these issues sooner than to find yourself in an unhealthy relationship. The key is knowing how to recognize these red flags in a relationship, and what to do about them.
What Are Red Flags?
Red flags are issues with a person’s character, choices, or lifestyle that make you doubt whether they are a suitable partner for you. Some red flags crop up pretty early, although you may need to be more observant in the early stages of your relationship to notice them. Others take time to show up. Some people are able to hide their red flags – at least for awhile. There are also red flags that may only appear under certain circumstances.
Early Red Flags in a Relationship
In some ways, early red flags in a romantic relationship are a good thing. If you notice things that make you feel uncomfortable, you can start making informed decisions about what to do next.
They Move to Fast or Demand Early Commitments
You’ve just started spending time with someone. The first date and subsequent get-togethers have gone well. Then, they say they love you. They want to be exclusive. Next thing you know, they’ve hard launched your relationship on Facebook. It’s offputting, but the compliments are flattering. So are the generous gifts. It’s exciting, but you feel off balance.
Is it love or is it love-bombing? Healthy dating should evolve at a pace where both people feel comfortable, there is time to get to know one another, and they can communicate openly. When things feel rushed, be careful. Sometimes, people who lack emotional intelligence confuse the initial excitement of an emerging relationship with falling in love. Others use these tactics to get you to drop your healthy boundaries and make you vulnerable.
You Feel Guilty For Having Needs And Preferences
You are allowed to have and express needs, that’s part of being in a healthy relationship. You should be able to set boundaries and say what you want without being subject to blame, silent treatment, hositility, or emotional manipulation. If your partner gets angry when you set boundaries, expects you to de-prioritize friendships, or mocks your preferences, that’s a red flag. Take that seriously. If someone can’t respect or honor your needs, they probably aren’t the right person for you.
They Side Step Accountability
Pay attention to behavior patterns early on, especially the way a potential partner deals with mistakes, conflicts, and disagreements. Are they constantly blaming past partners, family members, coworkers, or even you? Yes, people can be victims of the mistakes, bad judgment, or even abusive behaviors of others. At the same time, someone with zero accountability is a walking red flag. You deserve someone who has the emotional intelligence to be reflective and take ownership of things, not someone who believes every issue is someone else’s fault.
They Want Control Over Your Time And Social Circle
If your new partner questions who you are talking to, the time you spend with friends, and your family relationships, they are showing one of the most common relationship red flags. Be aware that control isn’t always physical or obvious. Sometimes, it’s quite subtle. For example, they may claim they just can’t stand not having your around. This can lead to an isolating, toxic dynamic.
Something Just Feels Wrong
Pay attention to your gut. You may not fully understand early warning signs in a relationship until you’ve finally realized them later. If you constant feel anxious, disregulated, or unsafe in a new relationship, don’t ignore that. Your emotions, boundaries, and mental health matter. You should feel comfortable with a new partner in your life, not constantly on edge.
Hidden Red Flags That Show up Later
Some red flags don’t show up until later. Sometimes, that’s because people deliberately hide major red flags in hopes that you will become enmeshed with them before you realize you are in an unhealthy relationship. There are also red flags that simply don’t become obvious until you have reached certain relationship milestones. Here are some common red flags that may not show up until you have spent time with someone.
Love Bombing Becomes Overtly Controlling
You may not notice love bombing during the first dates in a relationship. That’s not your fault. The practice is specifically designed to keep you off-guard. What starts as flattery, lots of affection, time together, and a feeling of intense can connection can shift over time. Eventually, it becomes control and influence over your time, boundaries, and emotions. What felt amazing at first, someone wanting to spend time with you and treating you amazingly, eventually feels oppressive.
Remember that control rarely starts aggressively. The idea is to do things subtly so you may not even notice the shift in power dynamics right away. Listen to others. Do your friends express concern about not seeing you or notice you are neglecting your own needs? A healthy relationship integrates into your life, it shouldn’t take it over.
You Are The Only One Regulating Your Emotions
People who struggle with emotional regulation are often able to control their impulses in the early stages of a relationship, but that breaks down over time. As relationships become more complex, new conflicts arise, and you begin navigating the move from casual dating to something more serious – issues they have may become more obvious. That might look like:
- Explosive anger
- Rushing to blame or defensiveness
- The silent treatment
- Avoidance and withdrawal
You may feel as though you are expected to tiptoe around their feelings as if their emotions are the priority while yours are dismissed. Nobody should feel as though they have to manage another person’s feelings.
They Make You Question Reality
Gaslighting rarely shows up until a relationship is established. That’s because it takes influence. Sometimes, your partner may subtly and slowly begin to challenge your feelings, recall of events, and perceptions. They may insist that you are overreacting or insist something didn’t happen the way you remember it. This should always be a major dealbreaker because it erodes trust and makes you feel unsafe. Even when you don’t see things the same way, a partner will respect and validate your feelings, not try to talk you out of them.
Your World is Getting Smaller
Healthy relationships enhance your life, unhealthy relationships will limit it. One common, later stage red flag becomes clear when you notice your world has been shrinking. You don’t spend time on hobbies that are important to you, you see your friends less often, and you parts of your identity start to fade. It can start small. For example, a subtle comment that a friend is a bad influence or concern that you shouldn’t go certain places. Over time, the relationship feels less like a partnership and more like one person taking up more space as you lose autonomy.
Unhealthy Patterns of Conflict Emerge
Disagreements happen, but a red flag can emerge when conflicts seem to follow the same, exhausting pattern. If your partner gets mad and focuses on winning over speaking constructively, that is reason to take a step back. Arguments shouldn’t always devolve into personal attacks, assigning blame, or shutting down. Yes, most people have moments of frustration and lack of patience, but constantly losing control or “fighting dirty” is a clear sign that they are incapable of handling stress, pressure, disagreement, or intimacy. If you find yourself avoiding topics, feeling responsible for their emotions, or unheard, it’s time to reevaluate things.
Future-Faking Instead of Building
Future faking is a red flag that is more common than people realize, and it often becomes clear later in a relationship. when you first started dating, your partner might have gone on and on about achieving relationship milestones like moving in, meeting your family, or spending life together. At first, it’s great. It’s romantic! Then, over time you start realizing it’s all talk. Promises turn into excuses and that leads to frustration on your part.
The thing about future faking is that it’s rarely done with evil intention – although it can be. Instead, it’s often the result of someone with low emotional intelligence making promises they aren’t equipped to follow through on. Meanwhile, you feel emotionally stuck in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
Financial Irresponsibility or Control
It would be quite easy to dedicate an article about red flags in a relationship strictly to financial red flags. There are simply so many ways in which money issues can crop up in dating and relationships. This includes:
- Asking to borrow money early in the relationship
- Failure to pay their share of mutual expenses
- Hiding or lying about debt
- Controlling or criticizing your financial choices
- Getting angry when you spend on your own wants and needs
- Making major purchases without consulting you
- Showing a lack of respect for your financial goals
- Demanding access to cards or accounts
Financial red flags can be the result of two people dating who just aren’t on the same page when it comes to money. However, it can also be a sign of other things. Financial irresponsibility may have an underlying cause such as addiction or mental health issues. There’s also the matter of financial abuse where blame, pressure, and lack of access are used to control women in relationships. Financial abuse often exists alongside physical and emotional abuse as it makes it difficult for people who are being victimized to gather the resources they need to leave.
Queer Specific Relationship Red Flags
Many red red flags in a relationship are universal, but queer relationships also face unique pressures particularly in the areas of safety, family, and community. Because of this, there are unique red flags that may not be obvious on the first date, but will become noticeable over time. It’s important to be aware of these signs to protect your emotional well-being. That way, you can decide if these issues are dealbreakeres or something you can talk through and resolve by setting boundaries.
Your Partner Pressures You to Come Out or Stay in The Closet
This one can start subtly. Your new partner might “accidentally” out you in a space that doesn’t feel safe for you. Conversely, they may make demands that you act more straight around their friends. Either way, this is a tough thing to navigate. On one hand, every person should be allowed to come out or not in their own way. This is a personal journey and not one that should be dictated by anybody else. On the other hand, two people dating may find that those journeys are in conflict with one another. If someone you are dating refuses to respect your life choices or you can’t align over this issue, that may be a deal breaker.
They Want You to Leave Your Community
This red flag is common among queer folks who date straight people, but can also occur when both partners are LGBTQ+. It can look like criticizing your involvement in queer organizations, expecting you to distance yourself from your queer friends, or asking why you spend time in gay bars. Ultimately, the expectation is that you give up things that are core to your identity in order to fit into their world, and that’s a huge red flag.
Use of Identity as a Shield or Excuse
Queerness is not a get out of jail free card. There is not a rainbow exception when it comes to expectations of honesty, respect, and communication in a relationship. If the pereson you are dating weaponizes their trauma, emotions, or past relationships as a way to dodge accountability, this is a definite red flag in a relationship.
They Only Lean on You For Support
Queer relationships often involve very deep bonds. People often see themselves as both friends and lovers, and may fall in love over a short period. However, if your partner doesn’t have any other sources of connection or community, that can be a lot of pressure on you. Sadly, this isn’t always a choice someone makes if they have been rejected by family, friends, or community. However, it isn’t fair for you to be someone’s only source of emotional or physical support. If they aren’t willing to find or build a community outside of you, then the end result will be feelings of resentment and pressure.
They Have Internalized or Externalized Phobias
Sadly, one of the most common red flags a queer person will encounter is a partner’s bigotry and phobia towards other queer folks. Internalized queerphobia is a lack of acceptance for one’s own identity or orientaton. Someone who struggles with this may have issues with sexual performance, showing affection, or committing to a healthy relationship. They may also project their self-loathing onto the people they are dating by being hyper-critical of your presentation, rejecting your affection, or lashing out at others.
There are also queer folks who have biases against other groups of in the LGBTQ+ spectrum. For example, they may be transphobic or denigrate bisexuals as not being queer enough. When someone cannot respect the identity of you or your friends, it is nearly impossible to build a life with them.
Universal Vs. Personal Red Flags
Universal red flags are things that the vast majority of people would agree are problematic. Emotional or physical abuse would both fall into this category. So would gross dishonesty. These are all major signs that you are in an unhealthy relationship.
Personal red flags aren’t necessarily issues for everyone. They are things that you simply cannot have or struggle to have in your life. For example, there is nothing obectively wrong with a person who is outgoing and loves to spend lots of time socializing. However, if you are an introvert who craves solitude and needs a partner who vibes the same way, then that could be a personal red flag.
Never feel guilty about having personal red flags. Every person is allowed to have issues that they simply can’t abide by. Your preferences are valid, and you know what you need in a relationship to preserve your mental health.
Green Flags to Look For
When Green Flags Are Really Red Flags in Disguise
Some green flags are really red flags. For example, attentiveness and generosity at the start of a romantic relationship can be amazing. If the person you are with has genuine intentions. Unfortunately, these are also signs of love bombing. That’s an effort to use affection, flattery, gift-giving, and attention to blind you to the fact tht you are entering a toxic relationship. Often, people who are love-bombed will deny emotional abuse, dishonesty, and other red flag behaviors.
What About Beige or Yellow Flags?
You may have heard your friends talk about beige or yellow flags, but what do those terms mean? How can they impact your relationships?
Yellow Flags – Slow Down
A yellow flag is a characteristic that could potentially be a relationship issue. It might be a personality trait that is a bit problematic for you, or something situational that could throw a monkey wrench into things. One example of a yellow flag might be distance. It may or may not be a dealbreaker, but you might have some fears about your ability to connect with someone who you can’t see regularly. Another example is debt. Even if the other person fully accepts responsibility for their bills, you may worry about financial compatibility in the future.
So, how do you handle these issues? Start by talking about them openly. Share your concerns. See if you can find common ground or compromise. Most importantly, be honest with yourself and your partner. Will you be able to pick your battles, or will you be constantly upset?
Beige Flags – Mostly Harmless & Sometimes Fun
When folks talk about beige flags, they mostly mean odd habits and personality quirks that are noticeable but not cause for alarm. Sometimes, these beige flags become endearing over time. For example, a mild obsession with cleaning one’s car or collecting cat figurines. None of these things will lead to anything negative in your relationships, they are simply interesting.
How to Identify Red Flags
Now, you know red flags to be aware of, how can you recognize and react to them? How can you decide at which point a red flag should truly cause you to fear for your wellbeing or safety?
Trust Your Instincts
All too often, people ignore what their gut instincts tell them about others. This particularly impacts women who often receive messaging that they should be nice, polite, and accomodating – even when that means accepting behaviors that make them uncomfortable. It’s time to break those patterns and center your wellbeing over perceptions of politeness. If someone gives you “the ick”, it’s okay to listen to that tiny voice in your head and create some distance.
Prioritize Your Safety
There are some red flags that aren’t worth discussion or consideration. If you notice behaviors that you think might lead to relationship violence or be detrimental to your mental health, create a safety plan. Ask your friends for support, and remember that it isn’t your job to fix someone who is abusive or maladjusted.
Get a Gut Check From Your Friends
Speaking of friends, ask them for their honest, uncensored opinion. If something is making you uneasy, let them know. A good friend will make a point of telling you in very honest terms what they see, and give you needed perspective.
Talk Things Over With a Therapist
Finally, you can talk to a therapist who specializes in relationships. This can be particularly valuable if you have found yourself in multiple bad relationships or don’t trust your own judgment. A good therapist won’t tell you what to do. Instead, they will give you tools you can use to better evaluate the relationships you are in, and feel more confident about the choices you make.
Can You Have a Healthy Relationship With Red Flags?
That depends. If you are facing some genuinely disturbing red flags such as abusive behavior, disrespect for personal boundaries, or other major warning sign – probably not. However, some red lags or yellow flags are less egregious than others. You may be able to continue a relationship if your partner agrees to abide by some boundaries you set, or work on changing behavior. At the same time, you may choose your battles carefully and simply agree to ignore some things for your own sanity.
Recognizing Your Own Red Flags
You want to pursue safe and healthy relationships, so it makes sense that you look for signs of red flags in others. At the same time, it’s important to turn your perspective inwards as well. It is just as important to recognize your own red flags as it is to find them in someone else. In the early stages of a new relationship, be aware of moments when you feel defensive, quick to anger, or deflect responsibility of little things. Maybe you give people the silent treatment or feel constant jealousy. What about personal space? Are you pushing boundaries under the guise of affection or just playing around? Depending on your partner, these could be seen as red or yellow flags. Think of these as warning signs that you might explore further or just commit to working on.
Speak to friends or family members that you trust. Ask them for honest insights about your commmunication style, ability to handle criticism, and respect for boundaries. You might even reflect on past relationships. Consider things from your ex’s perspective and whether or not there are behaviors you could change to ensure your future connections are healthier.
Finally, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s never too late to take accountability, learn to regulate your emotions, or get help dealing with past traumas. You deserve to have your positive traits show through in your dating relationships. These are all things that will ensure you are seen as a relationship green flag in the future.
Discernment Means Better Dating Experiences
The point of all this is that it’s important to discern things in your dating life with a clear perspective. That means being honest about what you observe without getting caught up in the excitement of romance. It also means knowing what you want, what you need, and what your dealbreakers are. This is true for men, women, and gender-diverse folks. Remember that you deserve a dating relationship that adds something positive to your life rather than creating constant struggle. By being aware of red flags, you can make the best possible decisions for yourself.
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