If you’ve been online in the past few years, you’ve been made aware of relationship green flags, red flags, and even beige flags. The problem is that when you are in a new relationship, you may not have the objectivity to discern negative and positive signs. Conversely, you may find yourself on high alert, and hyper-vigilant for something to doubt. Either way, the best thing to do is step back, take a deep breath, and start focusing on green flag traits that show you the relationship you are in is in the right track.
What is a Green Flag?
A green flag is a positive indicator that you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally mature, self-aware, or otherwise a good partner. Green flags are big and little things that make you feel safe and comfortable with the one you are with.
What Are Beige And Red Flags
Red flags are the opposite of green flags. A red flag is something that puts you on high alert, and not in a good way.
Red flags and green flags are pretty easy to understand. Some of them may be subjective, but most folks agree on a pretty wide range of red flags and green flags. Beige flags, on the other hand, are a bit more subjective. These are personality traits or behaviors that are unique, not objectively good or bad. A beige flag may be something odd you notice about your partner’s actions that you find notable. Sometimes, a beige flag is endearing. Sometimes, it’s mildly annoying or just amusing.
Green Flags That Give Big Hope to Queer Folks
If you notice these green flags, they are positive signs that your partner is mentally healthy, emotionally mature, and a good relationship candidate.
Respects Boundaries
Whether it’s boundaries around sex, the amount of time you spend together, or finances – a green flag partner is one who listens to your boundaries. They respect yours, and they set healthy boundaries of their own.
Regulates Their Emotions
We all encounter frustrations and disappointments. We all feel the full range of emotions. However, an emotionally mature person knows how to acknowledge their feelings and process them without becoming a nightmare for those around them.
Communicates Openly And Honestly
Open and honest communication is an important green flag if you are looking for a prospective partner. It shows they value honesty, respect, and clarity. Good communicators are emotionally mature, and value resolving conflict without needless drama over gameplaying, and sending mixed signals.
Additionally, they are good listeners. They listen to hear you and understand what you are staying, and respond in a way that validates you even if they don’t see things the same way.
Emotionally Available
Emotional availability is the ability to recognize, express, and be receptive to authentic feelings. It is also a willingness to talk about one’s feelings rather than denying or suppressing them.
Shares Your Values And Goals
While a relationship can survive difference of opinions, and compromise can be reached over some disagreements, most successful couples are aligned over the big things. It’s important to talk about the things that matter to you, where you stand on major issues, and what kind of future you envision.
Accountability And Growth
Accountability is owning one’s actions. That’s important in any relationship. It also goes hand in hand with a commitment to individual growth. A good partner is someone who is constantly working on themselves, recognizes their flaws and mistakes, and takes ownership of their life.
Interested in You And Your Life
Nobody wants to date someone who is so hyper-focused on themselves that they never show interest in others. You don’t have to be totally enmeshed with your partner’s life, nor they yours. However, they should care about the things that are important to you.
Actions Match Words
Green flags are behaviors, not promises. People can claim to have all sorts of positive qualities. That’s all meaningless without reliability.
Comfortable With Their Own Sexuality/Identity And Accepting of Others
Having a sense of security in one’s identity and sexuality is very important. It’s okay to be exploring or have some questions or doubts. But, self-loathing is something that somebody should deal with using tools offered by a therapist, not a relationship partner. Additionally, be wary of anybody who is queer, but denigrates and excludes other queer folks. For example, stating that transgender people shouldn’t access LGBTQ+ spaces.
Seeking Out Positive Behaviors – What to Look For
How do you uncover a person’s green flags? Sometimes, these aren’t as easy to identify as red flags, because green flag behavior is often subtle. Good people don’t advertise the fact that they are good people. You have to pay attention to their actions.
See How They Handle Conflict
Disagreements happen. Pay attention to your partner when you see them in conflict with you or others. Don’t just watch for the big things either. See how they handle minor disagreements too. Be wary of anyone who gets disproportionately angry, is threatening, or engages in petty behaviors. Of course, getting physical or ignoring boundaries is always unhealthy and a red flag.
Also, take note of the way they handle conflict with different people. For example, are they understanding with friends but rude or aggressive with their parents or other family members? What about men vs. women?
Pay Attention to How They Handle Frustrations
The way that someone handles small frustrations can be a green flag. If they are able to keep things in perspective, control their emotions, and express themsleves calmly – that’s a great sign.
How do They React to Your Successes And Setbacks?
A relationship should involve mutual respect and support. You deserve a partner who will recognize your successes and support you when things go wrong. It’s definitely a red flag if your partner mocks or belittles you, dismisses your achievements, or gets upset when the focus isn;t on them. On the other hand, if they are genuiney curious about your interets, listen to you when you discuss things that are important to you, and help you feel better about small failures, that is absolutely a green flag.
How do You Feel When You Are Around Them?
There is nothing better than a healthy intuition when it comes to discerning whether your partner is right for you. Pay close attention to the way you feel when you spend time with them. Toxic people tend to make those around them feel ill-at-ease.
What is Their Reaction to Your Boundaries?
It’s important that someone in your life respects your physical and emotional boundaries. Look for hints that they regard your concerns as silly or unimportant. Many people notice major boundary violations, but miss the smaller things that indicate a lack of respect, such as:
- Joking or teasing you when you ask for space
- Persistent texting or calls when you spend time with friends or family
- Being casually dismissive when you ask for space
- Behaving as if they have been personally rejected or attacked over your boundaries
Bottom lime – You shouldn’t have to spend time thinking of ways to justify your boundaries.
Are They Putting in The Same Relationship Effort as You?
A relationship should always be a mutual effort. If your potential partner always leaves you to be the one to make plans or reach ot, that’s a concern. If you are in a new relationship, consider looking at the way they handle other relationships. Are things reciprocal, or does everybody else have to make the effort to maintain a connection.
How do They Treat People Who Serve Them?
This is a big one. The way someone speaks to those who are serving them is a big tell when it comes to character. If they are kind, respectful, and patient, that’s a good sign. Be very careful around someone who is respectful to you, but snide or condescending towards others.
Do They Communicate Honestly?
Communication is foundational to a good relationship. If someone refuses to communicate, engages in passive aggressive behavior, gives you the silent treatment, or simply refuses to use their words to share their feelings, you can be sure there will be trouble in the future. It’s important to be able to have positive, fruitful conversations, even about things that are difficult.
Are They Financially Responsible?
There are both red and green flags when it comes to money in a relationship. First, the amount of money somebody has, or their available resources, are not red or green flags inherently. Instead, focus on how they handle their finances. Do they live within their means, pay their bills, and take responsibility for their money troubles? Do they borrow money from parents or friends that they don’t repay, or fail to pay child support? How do they manage the financial resources they have?
How do They Talk About Their Ex?
Nobody wants to start a relationship focused on your partner’s ex, but the reality is that previous relationships do come up. Take some time to reflect on how the speak about their exes. It’s one thing if they were in a toxic or abusive relationship. It’s another entirely if they badmouth, blame, or spread harmful rumors about their exes. Keep in mind that if they are disrespectful, petty, or vindictive about past partners – that is likely how you will be treated when you are out of the picture.
How do They Talk About Sex
Sexual compatibility is definitely a green flag. Incompatibility isn’t just an issue, it can be cause for alarm when it goes beyond mismatched libidos and preferences to having very different thoughts about things like consent. If you are curious about this, here are some things to observe to help you learn more.
- How do they interact with people? Are they inappropriate? Do they flirt even after the target of their interactin is clearly uncomfortable?
- What kind of porn or other sexual media do they access? Does any of it revolt or alarm you?
- How do they talk about other people? Do they sexualize non-sexual actions inappropriately? Do they shame people for their sexual behaviors?
- How do they handle boundaries, both sexual and non-sexual?
- Do othey express revulsion over certain acts that you are interested in? Conversely, are they interested in activities that are dealbreakers for you?
What if You Find Red And Green Flags?
Don’t rush to judgment if you find both red flags and green flags in a potential partner. Most people are defined by both struggles and strengths. It’s a good sign that you see both sides. It means you are paying attention, and are able to maintain a realistic view of someone. That kind of reflection can be difficult early in a relationship.
Don’t panic. Instead, make note of the traits they have that make you feel safe, supported, and comfortable being around this person. These green signs, such as sense of humor, kindness, empathy, good communication, and consistency show that there is potential for a healthy relationship. Notice and celebrate these moments. They are examples of mutual respect and consent.
That doesn’t mean that red flags get ignored or minimized. If you feel disrespected, unsafe, or emotionally drained after spending time or having conversations with someone, that is reason to pause and reflect. Pay attention to what’s happening in your body when you talk to this person. Is the relationship causing you to lose sleep or feel uncertain about yourself? You may notice that unhealthy patterns show up in subtle ways before you notice them consciously.
Also, pay attention to small interactions. A lack of curiosity about your life, dismissive responses, and un unwillingness to learn much about you are definitely red flags. A good partner doesn’t need to be perfect, but they can learn and grow if they are willing to use tools available to them to make your relationship better. On the other hand, it’s okay to have dealbreakers that you simply won’t accept. It’s also okay to not use your own emotional resources to act as someone’s therapist.
This is where observation comes in clutch. When you see how they respond to their friends, family, or even parents, it paints a pretty good picture of who they are as a human. If they show kindness, judment-free empathy, and a good ability to handle minor conflict, chances are they have communication skills and emotional intelligence. Those everyday signs are good indicators of their otential for a healthy relationship.
If you are unsure, or don’t entirely trust your gut, talk with some trusted friends, find online relsources like relationship educators, or talk to a relationship therapist with knowledge that can help. They can help you discern what is happening and review what your relationship strategy is going to be.
Remember that a healthy connection is about being human, not expecting perfection. There is always space for growth, reflection, and communication. Your relationship doesn’t need to be perfect to be sustainable. Just be intentional about the things you value in a relationship, and what you just cannot tolerate.
Red And Green Flags Are Important Relationship Indicators
When you are dating someone, it’s so easy to get caught up in all of the excitement, and be unaware of what is actually happening. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to spot red, green, and even beige flags. Once you master this skill, you’ll feel more secure abut dating. Remember that green flags aren’t about the pursuit of perfection. They are about noticing patterns, and deciding what your dealbreakers are. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and comfortable.
When in doubt, use the tools and resources available to you. There’s loads of dating information and advice right on this website. You can also lean on a trusted friend or therapist to help you review your experiences and gain perspective. If you find yourself doubting whether your relationship is healthy or feel like you are getting mixed signals, remember that it’s okay to slow down and reflect. Relationhip security doesn’t come from rushing things or ignoring your intuition. It comes from paying attention, asking questions, and leaning into your intuition.
The goal isn’t to find a perfect match. It’s finding the right connection whose green flags align with your needs. Whether you are seeking out the one perfect soulmate, or just someone to enjoy the festivities of Pride month in June, you’ll sleep better once yhou learn to identify the green flags that are most meaningful to you.
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