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Despite what many people think, not all gay men are natural flirts. Some of us try to use things like eye contact and body language to get attention. The only problem is that it ends up looking like we need medical attention instead of attention from a hot gay man.
Meanwhile, we sit around and gay bars watching other guys flirting effortlessly. Fortunately, while it sucks that the art of attraction doesn't come naturally for everybody, it is also a learned skill. This guide to flirting will help you stop being nervous and start getting guys to show interest in you.
Not everything about flirting is some magic trick. Just be a friendly approachable gay man who introduces himself to people. Other people feel awkward too. They'll appreciate the fact that you took the time to initiate a conversation.
There's another reason to do this. Every time you take this step you build up the courage. This makes approaching guys even easier next time.
Eye contact can create social interaction. It can also elevate our engagement with other people. The right book can turn a moment from casual to serious to sexual quickly. It's also the universal way to communicate sincerity and interest in another person.
It's easier than it sounds. Try it. Make eye contact with somebody then smile or nod. If they are available they might reciprocate.
Are you funny? If so, you are at a real advantage. Who doesn't want to have a conversation with somebody who makes them laugh?
Worried that you aren't very humorous? Remember that you don't need to be a comedian. In fact, comedians are often some of the most awkward people in the room. Don't worry about putting together some great jokes. Instead, say something witty and observational to attract the attention of a hot gay man.
About that catty humor that gay guys are so well known for. There are a few things to keep in mind. Don't be rude, and never punch down. You don't want to create that awkward situation where you offend someone unintentionally.
If you aren't getting much play in gay bars, it probably isn't you. Flirting isn't something that often works in a single interaction. Many people will have several moments of small talk before they truly make a connection.
Fortunately, a bar isn't your only option as a single guy. Try chatting people up and flirting with them in different situations. Smile at the guy who does cardio at the gym at the same time as you. Start a conversation with someone at the bus stop.
No, you don't need to make it obvious that you are thirsty. You don't even have to be all that interested. This is just a low-pressure way to engage in some flirting. If it turns into something more, that's great! If not, you have had a chance to warm up your small talk skills.
The right compliment at the right time can really make your flirting work out for you and the other person. The only problem is that so many gay guys want to make things too sexual too soon.
While you certainly aren't sending mixed signals when you tell a guy he has an amazing ass, you may not get the response you want. Instead, read the room and match the compliment with the situation. For example, if you are flirting with someone you just met in a public space, give them compliments on some of their more G-rated physical traits. Even better, don't talk about a stranger's body at all. Mention their skill at playing pool or singing karaoke instead.
Otherwise, you become that creepy, over-sexed single guy that makes other men uncomfortable at the bar. Nobody wants that. Also, sincerity counts for a lot. Guys will appreciate a small, specific compliment over somebody gushing or fawning.
Flirting isn't meant to be a long, belabored process. It's a way to make brief contact with somebody and hopefully get a response. Yes, that may lead to a longer conversations, but it usually doesn't. That's fine!
What you don't want to do is be the guy who hangs on and locks another person into a lengthy interaction. That's just an absolute drag. Remember that the person you are flirting with probably has things to do. At a club, they want to dance and mingle! At the gym, well they've got a workout to do. Are you talking to the guy behind the counter at the coffee shop? Great, enjoy some fun flirting, and let him get back to work!
Someone might be hesitant to commit to hanging out with someone they just met, but okay with joining a group of friends. If you make a connection flirting, consider introducing them to any friends who are with you. It makes conversation much less awkward. Also, you won't look like a creeper who is just there scoping out meat.
Tread carefully with this one. It definitely works, but you don't want to be disruptive. If you are familiar at all with gym culture, people really do enjoy talking about their workouts. They also enjoy helping beginners who want to get better results. Ask somebody about their workout, and you can start a great conversation.
The only caveat is that timing is everything. You don't want to disrupt somebody in the middle of some intensive HIIT training, for example.
What if your goals are very direct and very specific? In other words, you want to find guys to have sex with. You want no attachments and no lengthy warm-ups. How do you make that happen?
First, there's nothing wrong with that. Guys want what they want! It's much better than pretending to be into commitment. Isn't it?
What you'll want to do is master the art of cruising. This is:
Driving through parks where gay men congregate
Going to sex clubs and leather bars
Hanging out on sidewalks and streets outside of gay clubs
All of this is done with the purpose of having immediate and usually anonymous sex.
However, to do this successfully, you must learn the "language" of cruising. Depending on where you live and cruise that might include foot tapping, making eye contact, a simple nod of the head, etc. If possible find someone who understands cruising to help you get started. Otherwise, take it slowly and learn to read the signals.
Correction, be a slightly more charming, friendlier version of yourself. Still, don't flirt by changing your personality or pretending to have in interests that you don't. It's way too hard to hold up that facade. Keep it real instead.
You may not always get the response you want when you flirt. Don't let that damage your confidence. More importantly, don't be the person who can't take no for an answer. If somebody isn't interested, leave it at that. Don't harangue them for an explanation or waste time pleading your case. Move on! There are other men out there.
Your mother may have told you to use your words. We're here to tell you to use your body. If you are going to flirt successfully, you just have to master the art of body language.
Now, this comes quite easily to some people. Others need a bit of practice. What you don't want is to give off the wrong impression. Something as simple as looking down and crossing your arms to think for a moment could give the appearance that you are closed off and uninterested.
Try practicing in front of a mirror. Even better, have a really good friend watch you as you flirt. They will have the best vantage point to check out your techniques.
Nobody at the bar or in any other situation knows that your job is awful or your commute is infuriating. All they know is the very first impression they get when they interact with you. You really have just one opportunity to be friendly and polite. A frustrated tone of voice or snarky remark could ruin your chance to connect with that hot stranger at the bar.
No tips on flirting will help you very much if you tank your first impression by using the wrong pronouns. There's no good way to recover from that. The reality is that you can't assume somebody's pronouns based on their haircut, presentation, mannerisms, or name. So, just ask. Whatever you do to flirt with them from that point on, at least you'll be addressing them correctly.
Try connecting with people without your phone in hand. This will force you to stay engaged at the moment. After all, nothing breaks up a great exchange with a cute guy than having them catch you watching your phone while they're talking to you. Besides, if you are too engrossed in your phone, you might miss a chance to speak with someone amazing.
An icebreaker question is a great way to engage someone in a conversation with you. It should be light and not very controversial. At the same time, you want to use something that everybody has an opinion about.
Why does it work? First, you aren't boring them with the typical gay bar line. Also, you give them a reason to share their opinions, and people love to share their opinions.
Do you feel awkward when you try to start a conversation? You can make contact with someone easily by simply offering them something. Keep a pack of gum or breath mints on hand. Most people won't think twice of you offering one, and it's a great way to break that barrier to start a convo.
Of course, breath fresheners aren't your only option. Depending on your crowd and the place you're at, something like a pre-roll would be greatly appreciated. As far as more intense party favors go, be careful. We don't condone, but we also don't judge.
So many guys love to put on a cool, detached persona. That may give you an air of mystery, but it won't make people talk to you when you are interested in finding a date or just hooking up. So, drop the aloofness. Try being open, genuine, and friendly instead. And for God's sake, please smile every once in a while.
Be honest. When you have a conversation with somebody, do you listen actively, or do you just wait for your next opportunity to speak? Even though most of us don't do it intentionally, we fall in the second category.
That's good news for you! Because, if you can do just a little bit better than the average person, you will really leave a great impression. You'll be the guy that everybody remembers as an amazing listener. Also, the more you listen, the more you will recall the guys you meet.
The truth is that many people are hesitant to hand out their phone numbers. It can be risky. Also, when you ask for the other person's phone number you put them in the awkward position of having to refuse if they aren't interested. Nobody wants to be in that position.
So, take a different approach. Offer your phone number instead. They can take it, and decide for themselves whether they want to call you or not. You don't have to worry about getting home and finding out you got a fake number.
Also, if you do get a number from somebody, do not dial it right there at the club. That's a creepy move.
For a group of people who don't enjoy being stereotyped, gay guys sure do pigeonhole themselves. So many gay men will avoid striking up a conversation with somebody simply because they assume they aren't the right type.
Let's get rid of these stupid notions. Not every big burly gay guy is looking for a twink. Not every femme wants a super masculine partner. Older queens aren't always out on the prowl looking to play daddy to 20 something year old.
Yes, flirting should be light, but you don't want to waste their time or yours. Do you have certain things that are absolute deal breakers? If so, don't keep those a secret. It may be a good idea to include that in the first conversation you have. They will be able to move on and you can save your energy for something that might go somewhere. If this turns to dating, you'll be glad you were forthcoming.
Forget about toxic pickup culture. The art of flirting is truly about building people up, connecting with them, and also having a bit of fun. It isn't manipulation, boasting, or negging.
Most importantly, flirting should be enjoyable on its own. Sure, it's great if a cute gay guy responds to your efforts. And, it's amazing if flirting leads to sex or a relationship. Still, you should have a great time even if those things aren't happening. If not, it may be time to revisit your approach.
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