Okay. In our world of sexual fluidity, anything can happen at any time when someone is on their journey to discover who they really are.
And here you are, a hetero man up until now, and you have realized that you are gay. You are now officially a queer person. Welcome to a huge queer community of which the gay community is a sizeable chunk.
Now if you haven’t been in the dating scene for a while, you need to know that things have really changed. Time was, queer men met other gay guys at gay bars. They struck up conversations and, if there was a possible good match, they exchanged phone numbers.
Gay bars are in serious decline, and there is a good reason for this. The large dating pool of this community has gone online, and they connect with other gay men there, dating digitally until they decide that meeting up physically would be a good idea.
But before you even think about going online, you have some work to do.
Some Self-Analysis is Your First Step
Sit down. Take a deep breath. Now that you are gay, what are you actually looking for in the gay dating world?
- Do you want to begin dating very casually, playing the field, looking for hook ups and having a gay dating experience that won’t end up with anything serious? Then you don’t need to take your analysis any further. Just go for those hook ups. This is perfectly fine if you just want to experience sex before anything else.
- Do You want a gay dating experience that could be a bit more serious? Are you looking to connect with other gay men that you share common passions, interests, and maybe values with? Are you interested in getting to know other queer guys pretty well before you decide whether in-real-life dating could blossom into a real connection as a long-term relationship?
Whatever your dating goals are right now, understand that they may change over time. But this at least will be a start.
Make a List
What are you looking for in a potential partner? If physical appearance is really important to you, then list it. But there will be other qualities and traits that will be important to you too. List them, think about them carefully, and then revise.
The other thing you must list are your dealbreakers. These are things you will want to know about someone up front, so you don’t spend time going down a “rabbit hole.” Examples of deal breakers may include incompatible religious or political beliefs, smoking, drinking, substance use, their preferences for urban or rural living.
Be sure Your List is Flexible
It’s interesting that during the course of getting to know someone, you may find yourself attracted to someone who does not check all of your boxes on your original list. It happens all the time as any relationship progresses. You just might find yourself bending your “rules” a bit in this process.
Going Online – Benefits and Options
Online dating became popular in the late 90s and has exploded in popularity since then. And there are clear benefits.
Benefits of Online Dating
There are many, but here are the biggies:
- It’s so convenient. With a computer at home and a mobile device when you are on the go, you can go online, connect with others, chat, get to know each other in a safe and comfortable space.
- You have the opportunity to get to know someone as well as you want to before you decide if there is the potential for a romantic relationship.
- If someone is clearly not a fit, you can end the communication and move on (as long as you do not ghost them – more on that later.
- You meet other gay guys, even nearby to you, that you never would have met before by hanging out in bars and clubs.
- If you are new to gay dating, you may feel awkward and a little fearful. If you begin with online dating, you build up confidence and become a better communicator as you go through unchartered territory.
Of course, there are many more benefits, but these are the top ones.
Options for Online Dating
There are three primary options.
Chat Rooms
There are chat rooms for people of any gender and sexual orientation. A simple Google search will yield a bunch. The quality varies a lot, but if you follow these tips, you’ll probably be OK.
- Avoid those that focus only on having sex, and nothing else. Users of these chat rooms are generally not serious about finding a partner – they want one-night stands only.
- The quality chat rooms focus on lots of discussion about gay life, issues, and challenges, and dating connections are secondary. And many of them also include coming out stories if you are looking for an avenue to do this yourself.
Overall, chat rooms are the least safe option for you. First, anyone can join in, and there is no identity verification. This opens them up to other men who are up to no good – gay bashers, that is.
If you should decide to meet up with someone you met in a chat room, here are your rules:
- Arrange that meet up in a public place in the daytime only.
- Have your own transportation to and from
- Let a close friend or family member know where you will be.
- Keep your phone on and have that trusted person call you during the date. If all is well, have a code word. If all is not well, say something like, “Oh my God, I’ll be right there.” You now have an emergency and can cut the date off quickly.
- NEVER leave any drink unattended, and NEVER get in a car with this person.
Chances are that a “bad guy” won’t agree to these terms of yours anyway. They are looking for night hookups where they can operate much better.
Social Media
Every major social media platform has dating groups. And there will be one or more for gay people like you. Here are free sources for meeting and chatting with many gay men who may actually live nearby that you would not have met otherwise. Take your time and get to know someone before you agree to an in-person meetup
While social media platforms are certainly safer than chat rooms, they are not foolproof, so you should take the same precautions you do with chat rooms, to keep yourself safe. Straight men who are up to no good may be there too. One thing can do is check out their profile page, grab their photo, and do a “reverse photo verification” on Google. And while you’re on their profile page, take a gander at their posts, their friends, and any other info that sits there.
Online Dating Platforms
The first online dating platform, Match, was launched in 1995. By today’s standards, it was pretty primitive. It had users create a dating profile about themselves and what they were looking for, and matched people according to their use of the same keywords. It was also a completely heterosexual site only for straight men and women.
Over time, given advances in technology and the potential profitability of including members of the queer community, things rapidly evolved. Today, there are highly sophisticated matching systems (aka algorithms) that even utilize AI to keep refining matches that are presented to you.
Today, there are over 8000 online dating platforms and more being launched all the time. Currently, there are about 381 million people worldwide using them. Of course, there was a big surge during COVID, but the expected drop off after the pandemic subsided didn’t occur. People stayed because of the benefits listed above.
Finding the right dating site or app for yourself will probably involve some exploration, but what the heck? Most you can join for free, do a bit of exploring, and see if it might work for you.
There are huge LGBTQ+ apps for the entire queer community with large sections just for gay men.
There are niche sites and apps just for specific categories of gay guys. As a newbie, you may need to look at these more carefully to see if they actually meet your criteria for a relationship and potential life partner.
And there are those that focus on dating people to find a long-term partner. These got a boost when former US Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg announced that he found his husband via one of them.
Shop around. And don’t be afraid to join several for free just to test them out.
Are There Still Some On-the-Ground Resources?
Of course there are. If you want to start dating the traditional way, there are some options for you:
Friends
You can let friends know you are putting yourself out there and looking for gay men to date. They know you and may help you put the word out. Your friends have friends, and there can be a ripple effect here. Now, this will be a slower way for how to start gay dating but sometimes moving slowly is a a good way to look for a boyfriend. Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with this kind of “marketing.” Just don’t expect fast results.
Local Clubs and Organizations
If you live in or near a metropolitan area, there are organizations you can join as you look for a partner. Join with the expectation of just having some fun with like-minded people and to make connections with other local gays. If you even find one guy who has been “around the block” a bit, you may pick up some good dating advice.
All metro areas have Pride organizations that work and plan for events and that are held throughout the year. Get involved, work with others, get comfortable with other folks like yourself, and who knows? That hot boyfriend may just be among them who checks a lot of your boxes, just as you check his.
College Campuses
Most all colleges have gay clubs and organizations that are open to “outsiders” too. Even if you are in your late twenties, you’ll find others your age who are members. And if you have education as one of your preferences, your prince charming might just be there waiting for someone like you.
Speed Dating Events
If you have never heard of these, here’s how they work. Find one for gay men. Sign up (you’ll be given a number). Half of the dating people stay seated at small tables. The other half are mobile. They move from table to table and are given a specific amount of time to chat, before they must move on – usually 5 minutes. At the end of the event, all attendees turn in the numbers of those they liked and would like to connect with for a first date. The mutuals are then provided with each other’s contact information, so they can get together. And maybe that first date will turn into a second date or more as you get to know one another.
Now here’s the thing about speed dating. If you tend to be shy and a bit introverted (and certainly there’s no shame in that), these events may not be for you. People who are usually successful at these events are pretty outgoing and not afraid the ask questions and put themselves forward, being clear about what they are looking for.
Online dating sites and apps have picked up on this too, and many hold digital speed dating events which can be a fun way to look for a partner who is worth checking out further. And most of these sites will prep their members with some sound dating advice before the event.
So, yes, there are on-the-ground sources for seeking the type of relationship you want, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with taking those routes. Just understand that they will be a slower path to a relationship.
Whether you use online dating apps for gay men or choose the slower path, there is some general dating advice that you should heed. Let’s get into that now.
Key Tips to Finding the Relationship You are Looking For
There are several here, so read carefully.
Make the Right First Impression
First impressions are critical. Most guys sort of size up and get a feel for someone pretty quickly. Now, your first impressions on a dating site or app will be your profile. In that piece, you need to present yourself honestly, of course, but there’s nothing wrong with getting creative, letting your sense of humor show, and engaging others with your content.
You profile pic(s) cannot be old or a headshot like you would put on LinkedIn. They need to be action shots of you doing the things you love. Put some life into yourself. You want others to get your vibe.
Most people take their first impressions seriously. Be that great first impression they cannot ignore.
Show Confidence, Genuineness, and Comfort in Your Own Skin
You cannot be confident or genuine if you’re pretending to be who you are not. Most people will see right through this on your first date, whether that is within the app or in-person. Be exactly who you are in all of your “glory,” quirkiness, and true self. Those who want to make a connection with you will be doing so because they who you really are. And isn’t that a much better start?
Your Body Language is Huge
Most dating apps have video chatting in the repertoire of communication methods. And for good reason. You reveal a lot about yourself with your facial expressions, your gestures, and such. And so do the potential boyfriends you are looking at while they speak to you. Keep eye contact – it shows interest.
And don’t forget to smile, for God’s sake.
Don’t Make it All About You
There is huge temptation to talk about yourself a lot. After all, you know yourself pretty damn well. But just don’t do it. As you are chatting, online or in person, ask lots of questions. Many dating platforms even have icebreaker questions you can use to get convos started.
And listen – really listen. This is some of the most important advice you can get. Let them know you are really hearing what they are saying, even by repeating it in your own words. When your potential relationship knows that you are really hearing what they say, they feel valued and are attracted to you even more.
Be Upfront About What You Want
Hopefully, you have covered this in your dating profile. Do you just want a sex with no strings attached relationship? Do you want to be friends with benefits? Do you want emotional intimacy that leads to a longer relationship or even marriage?
You have clarified your dating goals for yourself before going into this whole dating thing. Don’t play around, and don’t feel any fear about being as clear as possible. Whatever you want is fine. Just make sure anyone you are chatting with understands it from the get-go.
Never give out mixed signals. It’s unfair, and you’ll not hook the right guy. If he sees that you’re not authentic, he’s outta there.
Never Ghost Someone
Even in a large online app, info travels fast. If you’ve never heard of ghosting, here’s how that goes. You have begun a convo that seems to be going somewhere. You’re a bit excited about the idea of moving forward. All of a sudden, they stop the communication, and you are left with your heart a bit out there wondering what you did wrong. It doesn’t feel good at all, it makes you fear that you’re not relationship material, and your confidence takes a bit hit.
Now that you know what it is and how it makes someone else feel, vow that you will never to this to another guy.
It doesn’t take a lot to send a simple message that simply says, “Hey there. I feel like we’re not really a fit for each other. You’re a great person, and I know you’ll find what you are looking for.” See how easy that is? They may have a bit of a bruised ego and may feel let down, but you were honest and respectful. And you can feel good about yourself – kudos!
Find the Right Balance
This is another piece of important advice. You have to find the right balance between trying to impress a guy without overdoing it. When you overdo it, you start to look desperate, and that kind of identity doesn’t look good on you.
Never exaggerate or outright lie about your life, your finances, your career, or anything else. What do you expect will happen next? The truth will come out if you move forward, and you become a fake, a liar. Like anyone else who is starting a relationship, gay men do not think this is cute or funny. You’ll be dropped. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if someone lied about their life to you?
Just be the best version or your real self that you can be. And let other guys in on your flaws. There’s no shame in telling another guy that you are new to gay sexuality, new to gay intimacy and sex, or that you are kinda messy and a bad cook. It just makes you honest and human.
This is A Lot to Take In…
If we could wrap all of this up in a smaller package, here it is. You are new to this gay dating game, and you will make mistakes along the way. You will come on to strong; you will not be strong or confident enough at first. You may have issues with some friends or family members that complicate your life. And sex with another man is really a new thing for you.
But if you are honest with yourself and others and you keep things authentic and real, you’ll get there. All gay men started out started out at some point in the lives. Just roll with the punches, be who you really are, and let it happen.
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