Friends with benefits! It’s more than a movie starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis as Dylan and Jamie! It’s a potentially fun, potentially messy relationship dynamic where two friends also happen to enjoy spicy time together. With good communication, honesty, respect, and managed expectations, a friends with benefits situation can work out for everybody. If that sounds fun to you, keep reading for tips on making this work without losing your friend in the process.
What Are Friends With Benefits?
Friends with benefits is a term used to describe a relationship between friends that happens to physical intimacy. The idea is that both can enjoy pleasure with someone they love and trust without the pressure of a romantic relationship. Some may refer to it as no strings attached, but the reality is that the existence of a friendship implies that there are at least some feelings and expectations involved. Hopefully both friends are on the same page about the arrangement.
A Situationship or Friends With Benefits?
Situationships and friends with benefits are not the same thing. At least they shouldn’t be. Ideally, there is no expectation of a romance or dating relationship where friends with benefits is involved.
Situationships are another matter entirely. In that case, you are definitely dating. You and the other partner just aren’t sure of your relationship status. At one point you may think your arrangement is exclusive. The next you break up.
That said, friends with benefits can quickly become a situationship. That’s why you both have to talk about boundaries and get on the same page.
Tips For Friends With Benefits Without Hurt Feelings
A friends with benefits relationship as portrayed in movies such as Friends With Benefits staring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis can be fun and mutually beneficial when you proceed with caution. Here’s how to ensure that adding intimacy to your friendship can be a good thing.
Maintain An Open Line of Communication
You have to have clear and open communication if you want your friends with benefits situation to be fun for both of you. Have a candid conversation about boundaries, intentions, and expectations. This is the only way to protect your feelings and friendship.
Establish Boundaries
You have to set boundaries and respect the boundaries your friend sets in this relationship. Keep in mind that a boundary is about what you are willing to do and how you will behave in a situation. It isn’t about dictating the other person’s conduct. For example, what do “benefits” mean to you? Are there intimate activities that are off limits for you? What about dating while you are in a friends with benefits situation? This may be no strings attached, but you might not be comfortable with outside dating from a safety or health POV. Friends with benefits adds complexities that can be mitigated with boundaries.
You Are Friends First
Friends with benefits should ideally bring friends closer together. At the very least, it should never harm your relationship. Ensure that you are there for one another as friends outside of the bedroom. The last thing you want is for your bond to be based on your intimacy. Spend time together doing things you enjoy like watching funny movies, listening to music, and celebrating milestones such as your birthdays. Support one another emotionally, and be willing to take a break from intimacy if that becomes a problem.
Stay on Top of Your Feelings
If you were just in a casual dating relationship, you could simply abide by the old adage “don’t catch feelings”. Unfortunately, you have to realize this doesn’t apply here. You’re unable to avoid feelings, because they already exist. It may not be a romantic relationship, but you have affection for your friend. Instead, what you need to do is stay on top of those emotions, and don’t lose your friendship by falling in love. Take a break if you need to. If you take a night or two to just hang on your own and watch videos, you can check yourself.
Manage Your Expectations
You can’t a friend with benefits to prioritize you the way a dating partner might. Understand your relationship, and align your expectations accordingly. Know that their commitment to spending time with you may not increase just because you are enjoying some spicy time together. Remember that life is not a movie.
The First Rule of Friends With Benefits is we Don’t Talk About Friends With Benefits
You don’t want other people acting as critics or unwanted advisers. You certainly don’t need the drama of gossip or constant comments from others. The answer to this potential problem is to keep quiet about this. The last thing you need is a bunch of input from the rest of the world. Keep things discreet, keep the critics at bay, and enjoy your own happiness.
Friends With Benefits Isn’t Forever
Friendship can be forever. Friends with benefits is another matter entirely. This will only work if both of you feel free to break things off when it no longer serves you. Just like a movie, this is going to have a beginning and an end. Don’t drag things out until you are both tired of one another or in therapy.
Be Respectful
Don’t let your libido cause you to develop habits or behaviors that are disrespectful. Even if that lack of respect is unintentional, it can cause damage that may make it hard to save your relationship. You want to treat your best friend as though your commitment to friendship trumps any desire for romance or intimacy. Also, be considerate of your friends life outside of your friends with benefits arrangement.
Know That Friends With Benefits Isn’t a Forever Thing
Enjoy the fact that you and one of your best friends have so much love and trust that you feel free to be friends with benefits. At the same time, face reality. Eventually, most people are going to prefer a traditionally romantic relationship. Enjoy the intimate time you spend together, but be prepared to move on. You should both expect that at some time you will put this story in the past.
Enjoy The Moment While it Lasts
A friends with benefits relationship can provide memories to last a lifetime, but at some point you will realize that it is time that both of you moved forward. Until then, just enjoy it. Embrace that every no strings attached kiss or other moment of intimacy brings fun to your life. A friends with benefits connection is truly the stuff that movies are made of.
Special Considerations For Queer Relationships
Can queer folks have friends with benefits relationships? Well, you’ve heard of queer platonic relationships where LGBTQIA+ people who are friends enter into committed relationships for practical reasons and emotional support. It’s also just as possible for queer folks to be friends with benefits. It’s a great way for two people to have their needs for intimacy met in a relationship built on trust, understanding, and shared experiences.
It’s especially easy to see why two people would sign on to be friends with benefits if they lived in a place where the queer dating pool was quite shallow. Also, two people who aren’t ready to come out could find solace in one another without revealing the details of their orientation before they were ready.
No Best Friends And Other Issues to Avoid
What should you do to handle your friends with benefits arrangement to avoid future problems, and maintain a connection with the other person? Some things are subjective. For example, you might choose only to sleep with someone who is more of a casual friend. That way if things go bad, and they want to go no contact, you haven’t lost your BFF.
Here are some other mistakes to avoid to ensure your friends with benefits situation ages well.
Getting Jealous Over Their Connections
If the man or woman you are with expresses interest in somebody else, you don’t get to be jealous. You have to accept that this is casual. No crying when it’s time to move on.
Continually Pushing Boundaries
Don’t turn this into a drag for the other person by constantly pressuring them to make themselves available to you, or trying to get them to do things that aren’t in their comfort zone. For example, haranguing them to send you videos when they are interested in that.
Not Being Present And Just enjoying The Moment
Whether you are spending time with a sister or a Mr, treat each visit with your friend with benefits with appreciation. Enjoy the time you are together, and don’t treat it like a job. When it becomes tiresome or feels like a burden, that’s when it’s time to kiss things goodbye.
Ignoring Their Emotional Signals
Friends with benefits requires some sensitivity. Pay attention to their signals. If you sense they are getting too attached or just don’t feel comfortable with things, it’s okay to pump the brakes. The last thing you want to do is lose a good friend for life.
Forgetting The Friendship Part
You two are friends above all else. So, nurture that connection. Watch funny videos together. Go to the movies. Order in pizza. Send one another funny memes.
Never Being Open to More
More should never be an expectation. But, sometimes these connections evolve. If the feeling is mutual, don’t let fear stop you from exploring that. Don’t push for it, but you never know when you could be packing up your trailer and moving in with the woman of your dreams. Just be realistic and don’t expect a movie ending.
Is Friends With Benefits Worthwhile? Decide For Yourself
Is it a good idea to merge intimacy with a friendship? Some people are able to make it work. Others don’t want to risk things or just cause drama in their inner circle. If you go for it, be respectful and manage your expectations. Otherwise, this may not be the relationship for you.
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