Taimi
A first date is tough. You have to think about what to wear; you may have to decide on the place or participate in a joint decision on this; and, most concerning, you have to think about the conversation. What questions will you ask? How much do you want to disclose about yourself this early on?
And one looming question remains. How will you know if you want a second date with this person?
To make that decision, you may want to take a look at red flags that can pop up on that first date that will tell you to thank your date for the time, make your exit, and decide to cross them off your list.
Let’s unpack these behaviors that should tell you not to move forward.
We all have our personal space. When others violate that space, and we do not know them well, we are uncomfortable. If this first date gets too physically close and comes onto you with physical gestures, you should see this as a red flag.
The extreme of this is called “love bombing.” This is usually a ploy of narcissists. They make you feel so special, but their motives are to reel you in quickly before their real personas come out. Their expressions of affection are not genuine – don’t be fooled, and use your common sense. Would someone who has just met you possibly have these kinds of feelings already? It’s a manipulation tool.
There goes all of your conversation prep. You don’t need to ask any questions because they are answering them and many more that you probably don’t want the answers to at this point. This is another symptom of narcissism. If you continue to date this person, you will find yourself losing your sense of self to satisfy their selfish needs.
Your first date is for dinner. How do they speak to the wait staff? Are they rude, critical, demanding, or impatient? You can get some great insights by observing this. People in the hospitality industry have tough jobs. Customers who are aggressive and unkind to those in the service industry may be showing you how they will treat you in the future.
They may feel obligated to ask you questions about yourself, but when you respond, they seem distracted. You realize that this is merely a courtesy on their part. There is no active listening by giving you responses and asking you to expand on answers. This is not someone who has a genuine interest in your story, your goals, your values, and such. Another sign of a selfish person.
Not a good sign at all. If it’s their most recent ex, it’s a pretty good sign that they are not over that relationship and ready to move forward.
If they spend time talking badly about previous partners, it’s a good indication that they do not take any responsibility for their part in why those relationships failed. This shows a lack of self-awareness and good introspection. If you move forward with this person, when issues arise, they will be your fault.
Having a discussion about ideas, rather than things or people, on a first date is a promising sign. It shows emotional intelligence. On the other hand, if your date does not respect opinions that differ from theirs, or puts you down for having them, you need to walk away after this date. People with emotional intelligence are willing to participate in calm and rational discussions even though they disagree. They are willing to see things from the other’s perspective.
Please. Now, there could be an emergency, of course. In that case, your date will explain this, take the call, be as brief as possible, and get back to your date. But if they answer every message ping, or worse, even respond to those messages, understand that you are not a priority. This is not a relationship you want to pursue with a second date.
On a first date? Really? If your date is ready to talk about sex on your first date, it’s probably a good sign that they are not looking for anything more than a hookup or fling. If that’s not what you are looking for, then you don’t want another date. Enjoy the movie, the dinner, or whatever you are doing, but be very clear that you are not into hooking up. Chances are they’ll end the date early, and you’ll never hear from them again.
You may be a bit infatuated when meeting a great-looking smooth talker on a first date. And you may choose to ignore them, thinking that if a relationship should come about, you will be able to change their behaviors. Never count on this. If these red flags are showing up on your very first date, they will only get worse with time.
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