Fighting Couples – Is This a “Yikes?”

My uncle is an orthopedic surgeon. He also has a large private practice for patients who have a variety of bone, muscle, ligament, and tendon issues. One of his favorite phrases is, “It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.”

As I think about that phrase, I consider how many other things we do that relate to this phrase. And certainly, arguing and fighting come to mind, especially between partners in relationships, married or not.

Fighting With Your Partner is Normal

No relationship exists without conflict. It’s just the way it is. Fights happen.

And while we’re at it, let’s expand the concept of fighting to include arguments, which are still a form of fighting, but the term is not so severe. The term fighting can include physical violence, and that is never healthy.

Parents and their teenage kids can have lots of conflict; co-workers who work closely together will disagree and argue; close friends may have a falling out and need to patch it up; and, yes, couples who live or spend lots of time together are going to have disagreements, even heated arguments at times.

This whole thing about how often should couples fight, what kinds of fights they have, how they fight, and how they finally resolve issues, are all things that should be considered in a discussion about relationship health or illness.

Let’s get on with it.

How Often Do Couples Fight?

Some couples say they never fight. Really? So, they walk through their lives, attached at the hip, smiling, and just agree on absolutely everything. Not on this planet, that’s for sure. And any couple who says this is just not honest.

Recent studies have surveyed lots of couples about their fights, and here is the general consensus.

• Most couples report arguing 1 – 3 times a week, some up to seven times even. So, is there an average number that is healthy? Probably not.
• Only 3% of the couples surveyed reported never fighting at all (yeah, right).
• The severity of arguments is something that also must be talked about. If couples fight about big things and never seem to resolve them, those verbal disagreements turn into resentment, hurt feelings, silent treatment, and a host of other pretty negative behaviors that are unhealthy.
• If couples have small disagreements quite often, but resolve them quickly, no harm no foul.
• So, how often do couples fight is not really the point. It’s what they fight about and how they fight

What Do Couples Fight About?

Again, there have been plenty of surveys.

One of the most interesting things about the responses is what couples list as the biggest thing they fight about.

• 39% say the most frequent fights are about the other partner’s attitude and/or tone of voice. That attitude or tone of voice has a root cause though. Maybe resentment builds in one partner because they held all of their “grievances” in, and they end up yelling and screaming, not about the single issue at hand but about all of the smaller issues they have been bottled up over time. And make no mistake here – body language during an argument says volumes. And it’s a matter of how something was said, not what was said.
• 36% say they fight over money. Yep. It’s a biggie, especially if the budget is a bit tight. A partner feels the other is spending money on frivolous things while they are towing the line on a budget. And money is always listed among the top 10 reasons couples break up or get divorced.
• 28% say they fight about sex. Their expectations for type and frequency are different. One partner has unmet needs. The other does not feel heard when they express their displeasure or expectations. Couples counseling may be an answer here.
• 27% say they fight over household chores. While these may seem pretty minor, resentment builds when one partner fails to pull their weight here. It’s time for some straight talk and and a firm agreement worked out. It’s also okay to call a partner out when they fail to live up to their duties.
• 23% say they fight over “life decisions.” Just what these constitute will be very different. Here’s an example, and younger people are probably more prone to this. A partner is offered a new job or a promotion that will involve heavy travel. Without talking it over with the other, they just accept it, usually out of excitement. The other partner feels totally left out of this major change in their lifestyle.

Interesting that each other’s values don’t show up on this list. And that’s probably a good thing. It shows that today’s partners and married couples have discussed their values and are generally on the same page. Can you imagine a household in which political alignments are the exact opposite. One of the most famous frequent examples was George and Kellyanne Conway, he a lifelong liberal and she a staunch Trump supporter. Of course, they ultimately did divorce, but lived years together, obviously in separate worlds.

We have to wonder what fights might have looked like in their household.

Is There Too Much or Too Little Fighting?

The short answer is yes. The longer answer is, it’s complicated. If you are asking how often do couples fight in a healthy relationship, you are asking the wrong question. The question is what is a healthy fight; what are healthy arguments; and what do these fights and arguments look like in a healthy relationship?

And the bigger question is what is the aftermath of these events?

If a couple has a serious fight maybe once every three weeks, and one or both partners did not fight fairly, there are clearly emotional bruises left behind, and they could last for days.

Other couples fight fairly maybe three or more times a week. But they keep it cool and calm, exhibit respectful actions and words, maybe learn something more about each other, and end up validating key impactful moments of the exchange. In short, these end up being positive experiences, their relationship is stronger for them, and they come out the other side feeling safe, feeling heard, comfortable, and not afraid of more disagreements in the future.

If your relationship looks more like the second example, you have healthy arguments.

And so what if you are fighting with your partner three or so times a week? You have plenty of company as other couples report the same.

In the end, it’s not how many times couples fight. It’s the aftermath, the conflict resolution, and the healthy connection that survives.

Let’s Do a Self-Check

Let’s face it. Couples argue. But how do you know if the amount of fighting you do is “normal” for you and your partner or not? Well, here’s a kinda checklist you can use.

Are You Fighting Too Much?

How many of these boxes can you check?

• Every argument feels like a full-blown battle. You yell, say hurtful things, throw things, use name calling and other emotional abuse tactics. You cannot manage or control your emotions.
• You fight over the same things over and over again and never reach a resolution. This is the “wash, rinse, and repeat” syndrome. Neither of you is willing to seek counseling and get at the root cause of your issues.
• One or both of you walk on eggshells just waiting for the next bomb to drop. So, you avoid each other and only talk when necessary. What a lovely way to live – not!
• There’s always a “winner” and “loser.” That’s for sports competitions, not healthy relationships. One partner comes out with the boxing gloves on, and the other partner frequently withdraws into their corner, and the fight is “called.” There’s an emotional disconnect here, not a happy marriage or partnership.
• A lot of time is spent repairing the damage from disagreements rather than on growing a relationship that is fun, trusting, and respectful, it’s time to take a look at the whole dynamic of the relationship. Something’s wrong. Time for couples therapy? Probably.

Are You fighting Too Little?

How many boxes do you check here?

• When anything bothers you, you hold off bringing it up to avoid an argument. Here’s what happens. You keep everything bottled up and eventually explode, and it’s not pretty. If you don’t explode, you just retreat into your own disconnect, and the relationship is pretty much dead.
• The relationship seems to be calm and comfortable. Unmet needs are not brought up. Both partners settle into a partnered life that just goes through the motions – it’s boring and totally bland. This is not how the average couple operates in a relationship that is healthy.
• One or both partners don’t want to bring up their grievances, because they don’t want conflict. Really? So, those grievances just fester away and either explode or result in total distancing and separate lives being led. And both partners end up feeling lonely – recipe for breakup or divorce.
• Putting a priority on being polite. We were probably raised to be polite no matter what the circumstances. But when that priority spills over into relationships, it means that both partners are avoiding reality. A relationship is not a tea party, and a healthy fight might just be what is needed to get the ball rolling toward becoming a more normal couple.

So, many couples, many disagreements – it’s just normal. And while most couples therapists encourage partners to air their differences regularly, they also advise fighting must be fair. How partners fight is more important than how often they do.

“It’s Not What You Do, It’s How You Do It”

Now, there are some “rules of engagement” here when partners or married couples engage in “fighting.” Disagreements cannot be constructive when the following negative behaviors are involved:

• Namecalling
• Abusive language
• Negative body language
• Yelling/screaming
• Storming off
• Bringing up past resentments or “wrongs”
• Threats or intimidation

Advance Prep for Disagreements to Come

Couples have have been in long-term relationships know each other pretty well. And they know the signals they receive from each other as a natural part of that relationship. This helps them when they face disagreements in each other’s company.

For example, one of them may come home after a horrible day and say to the other person, “I’ve had one of the worst days ever.” Now, they don’t know what kind of a day the other person has had. But here are the clues from that person’s possible answers:

• “I’m so sorry. Come sit down. I’m all ears.” (a response with care – they have had a pretty good day and are ready with listening ears and empathy)
• “I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t have such a great day myself.” (the partner turns away basically ignoring them)
• “Oh, get over it. Everyone has bad days. It’s over, so forget it.” (the partner is giving a really negative response, probably dealing with their own horrible day, and talk is out of the question))

Responses two and three can be fodder for a fight. It’s decision time. How does the first partner react? They can go on the attack and turn the space into a “war zone.” And that’s when the negative behaviors kick in. This is not normal for couples in a healthy relationship.

The other option is to let it go for now. Both partners are probably emotionally flooded. The best option? Stop fighting immediately and give it a few days for emotions to calm down. The couple can go about their normal lives, focus on the strong points of their relationship, and talk about that bad interaction with much cooler heads, agreeing how to repair that interaction.

Speaking of Repair

There are lots of options for repairing a tough fight while it is in progress and probably in danger of going too far. What those partners need to do is bring down the temperature in a way that will stop fighting, so that the emotional flooding will decrease.

• Make eye contact and crack a joke. That’s pretty much an immediate “repair” and lets both partners share a laugh.
• Make a gentle physical movement (taking a hand; hand on the knee, etc.) and make a calming statement. “Hold it. I’m not trying to attack you. Please believe me. How can I say this better?”
• “Do you want to stop talking about this and wait a few days, so we both are feeling better?”

These kinds of repair efforts show each other that their relationship is their top priority.

In short? Couples argue. Healthy couples know how to bring the temp down and keep their loving relationship intact.

A Word About Communication Styles

Every person has a learned and “preferred” communication style when they are in conflict. It can be aggressive, defensive, avoidant, or even passive-aggressive. It’s a good idea to know your style and modify it when you argue with your partner.

One important piece of communication during arguments is active listening. This is the only way someone can see the other’s point and let them know that their point is heard and honored.

During an argument, a big mistake would be to say something like, “You’re really making this bigger than it is.” Instead, say, “I can tell this is really important to you.” Now, the other person feels safe and respected. Healthy couples honor each other’s feelings and show genuine empathy. And their relationships succeed despite arguments and fights.

Let’s Return to the Original Question

So, what is the normal amount that couple have conflict, argue and fight?

The answer should be obvious. Couples fight and have conflicts any number of times, depending upon their unique circumstances. Some couples’ lives are more stressful than others; some couples’ lives are calmer and steadier. Mental health of either partner can be a factor.

The question should not be how often couple fight. The question should be how do couples engage in conflict? How do they argue? How do they show empathy, respect, and honor each other’s points of view? Many couples do this very well, and their relationships survive the hard times and the conflict.

Important Final Notes

Couples may have arguments and fights every few days, a few times a month, or only a few times a year. It doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that couples are growing in their relationships as those relationship progress through the years.

It’s important to understand that fighting does not mean failure. It’s often necessary, so that greater understanding is found and a deeper connection is made.

What’s normal for one couple is not for another.

Differences in How Arguments Happen

There is healthy and unhealthy fighting, and this says volumes about a relationship health.

Healthy arguments involve respect, calm communication, active listening, and a genuine effort to understand the other’s viewpoint. It involves focusing only on the issue at hand, not past resentments and conflicts. And it ends with resolution and re-affirming love for one another.

Unhealthy arguments involve all those negative behaviors covered above – name-calling, threats, yelling, intimidation, manipulation, and worse, violence. Nothing is resolved, and the relationship is doomed, unless both thrive on the negativity – that’s kinda sick.

Repair is So Important

When repair is successful, both partners emerge from a conflict with their dignity intact, with resolution, and with a re-connection that is stronger.

Conflict Should Deepen Connections

Healthy couples use conflict to their advantage. But during the conflict itself, they are wise enough to know when it’s time to take a break and come back later. They are wise enough to know how to phrase their messaging so as not to attack or place blame. And they are wise enough to understand that each partner has a right to their feelings about any situation in a healthy conflict.

If It’s All Too Much…

Not every relationship is meant to last. And when both partners realize that their conflicts are deeply rooted in different values, priorities, and goals, it’s time to pull the plug, part ways, and move on. It’s called being mature.

But if couples do want to make their relationship successful, then it’s time to get some outside help. Couples therapy can give each partner important insights into their approaches to conflict and how they may need to change those approaches. It can really be helpful.

So, are you ready? Go forth and have happy, healthy fighting!