We live in a world where folks seem to be hyper-focused on finding romantic love. That’s understandable, those of us who aren’t on the aromantic spectrum crave these kinds of connections. That doesn’t mean that platonic friendships aren’t just as important. Platonic love isn’t just a nice thing to have, it’s a key part of the human experience.
What is Platonic? An Ancient Greek Philosopher Weighs In
The word platonic has its roots in Greek philosophy. It initially referred simply to Plato, his philosophies, and not his relationships with other males. This later evolved to mean close, intimate relationships with deep feelings and connections, but with an absence of romantic or sensual passion. This thinking was evolved from Renaissance era thinking that were based on Plato’s writings in “Symposium”. Today, we think of platonic relationships as applying to men, women, and non-binary folks.
Platonic Vs. Romantic Relationships
How do platonic friendships differ from romantic relationships? That depends. Some people might say that a platonic relationship won’t involve any kind of intimate contact. Then again, others have “friends with benefits” who they are absolutely intimate with, but don’t consider those relationships to be romantic.
Perhaps the difference is that a romantic one could eventually evolve into a commitment, even marriage. Meanwhile, platonic love isn’t meant to do that.
One thing that is true is that platonic love can be just as deep and meaningful as a romance. In fact, a duo’s friendship can last for years, and endure great hardship.
The Benefits of Platonic Friendships
Platonic relationships show that people can form deep bonds without romantic of intimate feelings. They give people a source of emotional support and sense of belonging. These things are crucial for all of us, even when other types of relationships aren’t possible or even desired.
Additionally, as people reach certain stages of life, platonic relationships may become even more important than romance. For example, in midlife or when a person becomes a senior citizen.
At times, the intense feelings and romantic pressures of intimate relationships can be too much. People in a platonic relationship can enjoy the absence of that stress while enjoying a deep friendship.
Platonic relationships tend to weather different life changes and personality differences too. It’s much easier for two individuals to maintain a steadfast support system for one another, even if they may not be fully in synch all of the time. In fact, platonic friendship can be strengthened by an acceptance of one another’s unique qualities.
These friendships often show how a person may feel supported, accepted, and loved – all without the complications of romance. A duo’s friendship can also lead to personal growth. Two individuals with a deep friendship can often be radically honest with one another. That’s something that doesn’t always happen in romantic or dating relationships.
For example, a woman might be worried that sharing negative feelings with her girlfriend could result in a breakup or argument. But, she may not fear that kind of honesty in a deep and meaningful friendship. Many of us have felt more comfortable having a tough talk with a friend than a lover.
The Importance of Queer Platonic Friendships
A queer platonic relationship or QPR is a unique bond that is formed between two people with the same sexuality. A queer platonic relationship transcends of other kinds of friendships or romantic relationships. These relationships serve as a source of emotional support while providing a sense of love and belonging.
All queer folks can have a queer platonic relationship. However, women in particular are known for forging these bonds. The cultural meme of lesbians being friends with their exes is founded on the lived reality of many.
A queer platonic friendship is often based on shared understanding and life experiences. This along with a kind of affection that many not be present in other relationships can lead to a deeper bond. The individuals in these relationships may be able to connect in ways that family and friends cannot. These connections can play an important role in midlife giving both friends a sense of stability and help navigating challenges as a queer person.
How to Make a Platonic Relationship Happen
We need platonic relationships to enrich our lives. These connections, created through shared experiences and mutual understanding become a touchstone that we can count on when the challenges of work and life take over. It’s vital to take time to nurture the connections we have and make new friends.
The nature of platonic connections includes an absence of the expectation of physical intimacy. This allows us to create emotional bonds around shared interests, feelings, and experiences. For both men and women, the depth of these experiences can be found in the support and care that is offered during different seasons of life, without transactional expectations. Platonic friends are often the ones who are there no matter what from texting a daily greeting to being present during life changing moments.
So, how do you seek out platonic connections? It isn’t always easy to meet others with a goal of simply fostering a deep friendship. For many, it’s easier to find romantic partners or casual friends. Start with your interests and experiences. For example, join local clubs or meet up groups. Do some self-analysis. What aspects of your life, personality, and self do you see as your key identity markers? Those are the characteristics that best define you as a person. Maybe you see yourself as queer, woman, and spiritual above all else. Seek out characters in those communities to find platonic relationships with the most meaning.
Platonic friendships can eventually be weakened, and not usually by a major event. Instead, these important connections are often severed by a series of small actions that make the other person feel as though their presence just isn’t that meaningful to you. At the same time, suffocating another person with demands for time and attention doesn’t help either. Knowing when it’s good to step in and when it’s time to back away is key. These relationships deepen when friends have room to grow and live, but can count on one another when it really matters. Sometimes, honesty is the best policy. Don’t be afraid to express concern that a platonic relationship is faltering. Simply saying that you are worried can be a catalyst for really fruitful conversations.
Telling Them You Want to Keep it Strictly Platonic
Sometimes, heartbreak stems from a mismatch in relationship expectations. For example, you want things to stay platonic, but they want a physical relationship. When that happens, you risk losing a friendship because you want to keep things strictly platonic. Here are some things to consider.
The Friend Zone Doesn’t Exist
No matter what side of this you are on, understand anybody who engages in a friendship with an expectation of things turning physical or romantic is not a true friend. Being nice or being a friend isn’t something that you do with physical intimacy as an expected payment. These should be things you are, not things you do.
Falling in Love With Your Friends Isn’t a Bad Thing
It happens. You grow closer to another person over time. Sometimes, their feelings turn romantic, or maybe you start to feel that way. It’s okay to acknowledge that. It’s okay to have a discussion about that in a respectful way, but also with the realistic expectation that it isn’t going to work. Sidenote: for a devastatingly beautiful take on the love of a friendship being strong and beautiful through any season, check out Chappell Roan’s Kaleidoscope.
What to Say to Keep it Platonic
They’ve made it clear they want to get closer to you in an intimate way. You want to keep it platonic. How do you proceed?
- Be direct and kind
- Expect a negative reaction – rejection hurts
- You won’t have to worry about a safe person getting physical or emotionally abusive
- Respect their boundaries – they may need to step back for a season or two
Could this start a long rift? Possibly, but if that happens they may have had less than honorable intentions to begin with. Also, if you feel as if you can’t be honest that you want things to remain platonic, that’s a pretty big red flag. Consider whether you wanted to keep this person’s company in the future.
Moving From a Platonic Relationship to a Romantic One
Sometimes, a duo’s friendship does make that successful leap from emotional connection to a physical connection or romance. If you are interested in a new season of love, you proceed carefully, knowing that there is some risk in offering yourself as a lover or suggesting a physical connection.
This is About What You Want Not What You Deserve
You want to move on from a platonic relationship because you have developed those feelings for your pal. Make it clear that you understand that this stems from your desire to change the inherent meaning of your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love. There is something wrong with expecting a guy or girl to return those feelings just because you have been a friend to them.
Accept Their Response Without Campaigning For Yourself
There’s a good chance your friend wants to stay platonic, and just doesn’t want to pursue anything physical. Understand that if the feelings aren’t there, they can’t be forced. Accept no as an answer. Even better, make it clear that you value them and your connection with them no matter how they respond. Framing it this way helps them give you an honest answer without the risk of creating a long rift.
Examples of Great Platonic Relations in Media
There are a few great examples of platonic connections in media. They showcase the importance of these relationships in midlife or any other stage.
Platonic
This series starring Rose Byrne and Seth Rogen was created by Nicholas Stoller and Francesca Delbanco. It follows the characters portrayed by Seth Rogen and Byrne as they enter a new season of their interpersonal connection finding new meaning after a long falling out. This original series airs on Apple TV.
Community
Troy and Abed in community are platonic duo goals. The two are supportive, affectionate, and loyal to one another while being confident in their masculinity.
Finding Nemo
Yes, it’s a cartoon, but is there a sweeter example of a platonic love than Marlin and Dory? The two prove that a guy and girl can forge a deep bond without physical intimacy. That shines through in the original and sequel.
Finding Your Next Platonic Relationship
You want to find a platonic kind of love, but where do you find that? It can be just as challenging to pursue platonic connections as it is any other kind of connection. Maybe give Taimi a try? We are a community of queer folks seeing out a range of relationships. This includes members of the asexual and aromantic communities who may be seeking out long term connections that are deep and meaningful, but also platonic. No matter your season of life, you’re sure to notice our original approach to fostering both intimate and platonic connections.
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