Dumping Monogamy for Polyamory

Relationships are complicated. And they come in all shapes and sizes. There are closed relationships that are also monogamous relationships; there are long distance relationships; there are non monogamous relationships; and there are open relationships that are not consider committed relationships and involve multiple partners (also called poly relationships with multiple sexual partners).

Whether someone is straight, a gay man, a lesbian or whatever, all of these relationship configurations are commonplace in 21st century America, and all enjoy some level of acceptance on the part of our larger society.

This piece is specifically about open lesbian relationships, although much of it applies to any poly relationship in which the people involved are aware of it and agree to it. If they don’t or don’t know about it, its just cheating and a really bad idea by a lousy partner.

Defining a Lesbian Open Relationship

First of all, and open lesbian relationship is not a wily-nily activity of a lesbian couple just running around and having sex with a bunch of other lesbians because they want to.

It is, though, a conscious understanding on the part of both partners that not all of their needs and desires can always be met only by each other, and that non-monogamy is a smart solution.

Let’s just take the example of a long distance lesbian relationship. These are hard to maintain and nurture in a commitment to monogamy, unless both agree to be totally celibate while apart. Sexually active partners in such a relationship will become frustrated and may just choose to break it off altogether. Research shows that long distance relationships tend to break down within two years of their start. But if they both agree to get their needs satisfied by having other sexual partners during their time apart, that primary relationship can perhaps be saved.

Why Do People Change from Monogamy to Polyamory?

First let’s clarify the meaning of polyamory since it is thrown around so much. In it’s larger sense, it means a person or persons who engage in romantic and/or sexual encounters with more than one partner, in other words, relationships that are non-monogamous.

There are a variety of reasons why a person or a couple will choose a non monogamous lifestyle:

• They are exploring: A lesbian and her girlfriend might just want the freedom to investigate their desires and boundaries. It can lead greater understanding of their own needs and desires related to sex and romance.
• Adding spice to a monogamous relationship: Whether a couple is married or just in an exclusive partnership, their sex and romance has become mundane and perfunctory. To add some excitement to their sex life, they become interested in adding third parties in dating encounters. Sometimes, they bring another girlfriend in for a swinging situation. Other times, their interests turn to those that many other lesbians and their girlfriends take – each of them choosing to date outside of their primary partnership.
• Individuals in a committed and monogamous partnership have different needs. Here’s an example. A person is into kink and some bdsm; their primary partner thinks that’s a bad idea and wants nothing to do with it. Maybe the other partner likes sex out in the open, perhaps at nude beaches or at risky places. The other wants sex in private places. Their dating needs almost demand finding outside partners.
• Personal Learning and Growth. According to Taimi, the largest LGBTQ+ online dating service in the world, people are on a journey of self-discovery that could last a lifetime in fact. And in the course of that discovery, they find themselves dating a variety of people. Their job is not to be concerned about the changes but to accept and embrace them as a matter of course. No dating relationship is wrong. as long as the two players talk about it, are emotionally fine with it, and follow an ethical order of things. They’ll both learn new things about themselves.
• Independence. If a lesbian values her autonomy, she’s not likely to want to be confined by a fully committed monogamous partnership. It’s possible she’s fine with having a primary squeeze, but she’s not one to be tied down. Any primary partnership she enters into must have that as a start point, and the other half must accept that condition emotionally going into it.
• Sexual satisfaction. We touched on this above. But here’s another twist. When each lesbian has sexual encounters with others, she’s bringing that experience back to her primary other. Their sex life could improve quite a bit actually.
• Embracing new definitions. It’s quite possible that primary couples, as they continue through their journey, will redefine what love, romance, and loyalty really mean for them. And those challenge all the conventional norms which are so emotionally tied up with monogamy.

It’s probably now much easier to understand why lesbian individuals and couples choose a non-monogamous lifestyle. It works for them in many ways. And there are serious matters.

There’s Nothing Casual About It

Nothing about open lesbian relationships involves casual encounters with other partners. The blueprint for an open lesbian relationship that works is as follows:

• Both partners make the conscious decision to have sexual and/or romantic encounters outside of their primary relationship with one another.
• There is mutual trust, respect, and communication between these primary partners at all times
• There are clear boundaries agreed upon – rules of engagement, so to speak. And that’s probably the most important aspect for women who are perfectly fine with the idea involving multiple people into their primary partnership.

Setting the Boundaries

There’s a classic episode of the “Seinfeld” TV series, in which Jerry and Elaine, who had formerly had a romantic relationship, have decided to now have a “friends with benefits” relationship. Almost the entire 30-minute show is a laying down of the rules and agreements that they will both abide by in this new relationship. It’s a really funny episode, but it does also point out how detailed rules and agreements may need to be when queer women who are partners decide to open up that partnership to other women.

First of all, both partners must understand that these rules and agreements are not carved in stone. First of all, things will come up that neither person has thought of. Second, whether an open marriage or some other kind of partnership of monogamy that has changed, one partner’s feelings about one or more of the rules may have changed, and they will have to be revisited.

Here are some common examples of rules that queer women may make:

• Are the encounters to be brief and only sexual, or can romantic/emotional be involved too?
• How often will the queer women in the primary relationship see other women?
• How often will the women be free to see the same third party?
• Are overnight stays allowed? If so, where do these take place. Many women draw the line at the use of their conjugal bed for such encounters – the idea is just not a good one for them.
• Is travel with other women okay?
• Does a partner share the details of each encounter with the other? If so, how much detail will be given?
• What happens when one partner develops feelings of envy?

These rules of engagement for lesbian women who decide on open relationships must be a “work in progress.” They must be changeable at any time when one person has a new idea, a concern, or is feeling hurt by the reality of the current situation. Feelings are critical. While freedom for dating around may sound great and be a good life for both women at first, if one partner decides it is the wrong life activity for her personally, then both will have to decide what will happen next. Polyamory just isn’t for everyone.

Communication is the Key

Everyone in the queer community, not just lesbians, who has been in a monogamous relationship and who is now exploring or practicing any type of polyamory (even if they are only showing interest at this point) must be committed to a willingness to honestly communicate now, during, and necessarily after each encounter with a new or different girlfriend. This is more than just dating; it more than just friends with benefits; and it is absolutely more than just friendship with a third person.

The best advice that any professional or that we can give at this point is to keep the lines of communication totally open with your primary current girlfriend.

Just like a lot of others, many lesbians tend to jump into these life changing activities without enough thought to the emotional consequences that may be coming down the road. Don’t you be like them. All this is new to both of you, and the shift from monogamy to polyamory is MAJOR. And it’s not anything like casual dating like when you were young and playing the field. These encounters matter a lot, because you have been in a monogamous relationship up to this point.

There will be challenges, so be prepared.

Let’s Talk Challenges

If every lesbian practicing non monogamy is honest, she’s ready to admit that this lifestyle does come with challenges. Trying to anticipate them all is tough because more often than not emotional feelings are involved.

Here’s a look at the most common.

Jealousy

There are four primary causes of jealously in a relationship:

• Feelings of insecurity in the relationship (low self-esteem, fear that a partner may find someone else “better” while she’s seeing others)
• Past experiences. Previous cheating or betrayal will be projected into any new coupling
• Overthinking. It’s called rumination and resulted in imagined scenarios in which a partner is ready to leave her for someone else
• Lack of trust. If a partner has betrayed or been dishonest in the past, there is the feeling that she’s going to do it again.

A little jealousy can be a good a good thing for many lesbians. It kinda keeps them on their toes regarding their primary partnership. Jealousy becomes unhealthy when it goes beyond that. The key to managing it, of course, is frank and honest discussion that brings actual solutions that both can live with.

Conflicts

Every partnership and marriage has conflict. It’s how they’re handled that determines the future of that partnership. When the response to conflict is totally emotional, noting gets resolved, and feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt linger and take their toll.

Suppose, for example, she’s violated one of the boundaries you both set and brought an outside fling into your shared bedroom space while you were out of town. What kind of feelings will that generate in you? If both of you do not have decent conflict resolution skills, the consequences can be irreparable. Better to consult a therapist who specializes in conflict resolution to take you through this issue. Jealous, hurt, and anger are not feelings you want to let fester like an open wound.

Is This All There Is (Finally)?

If you’ve taken the time to read this article carefully, you are now an expert on lesbian relationships, monogamous and non-monogamous. Som let’s recap what you’ve learned:

• There is no “one size fits all” relationship for lesbians. But the humorous put-down that lesbians are the “U-Haul” wing of the LGBTQ+ community is really not reality
• Current research does show that lesbians are choosing monogamy more and more, but a significant minority of them are also choosing non-monogamy.
• What works for one lesbian couple will not work for another. It’s a personal choice they must make together, to meet their unique needs and desires.
• Structures of non-monogamy relationships must be clear, in terms of what is okay and what is not. And those boundaries must be re-visited regularly to avoid anger, jealousy, and even hate – these are emotional responses that only serious and skilled communication can resolve rationally.
• Do lesbian open relationships have a shelf life? Some do, yes. A partner may decide that an open relationship is just not what she wants. A partner may violate the boundaries of and open relationship so seriously that a breakup is the only option the remaining partner has.

As we said in the beginning, relationships are complicated. And open relationships are even more complicated for sure. If you are a lesbian in a primary relationship, and you and your other half are ready to try opening up your relationship, just make sure you are both completely on the same page on all the details of just how it will all work.