Time was, there were two ways for people who dated to talk. they could use their landline phones, or they could have conversations in person when they were out together. Life was much simpler then. When they did talk on the phone or in person, time had passed, and they had lots to talk about.
What a difference a few decades make. Now two people can spend time talking throughout the day no matter where they are. And they can communicate by phone, email, or instant messaging. What’s more, they can also have convos when they have in-person dates.
And technology has advanced to the degree that they can even facetime and see each other’s body gestures too.
With all of the chances to have conversations all day and night, you have to wonder what can people say to each other?
Truth is, with all of these chances to communicate, the chances of those turning into dry conversations are a big risk.
What is a Dry Conversation?
The short answer to this question is verbal communications that lack energy, depth, or engagement. Often, they are typified by shallow questions and very short responses, usually one-word answers, that are also uninteresting. And there are no follow-up questions that could require more than one-word replies.
Usually, dry convos are caused by lack of interest on the part of one or both participants, the respondent being busy or pre-occupied with other thoughts, or differences in personality. One person may just be an introvert or more reserved.
The end result is that these conversations are just dull and boring, often made up of small talk that has no depth. When people get into this “trap,” it’s unlikely that their relationship will move forward.
Let’s take dry texting as an example.
Exploring the World of Dry Texting
Text conversations are a big part of our lives today. In fact, a study and report from the Pew Research Center states that 97% of Americans text at least once every day. Clearly text conversations have become a part of our daily lives. It’s often used to make plans, schedule things, keep up on family lives and such, but it is also used by those who are in all stages of dating relationships.
The evolution of text conversations has resulted in a whole new language too. LOL, WYD, BRB, BTW, and much more. These are convenient and easy but also pretty impersonal, contributing to dry text conversations.
One bright spot – emojis and memes are fun ways to turn dry texts and dry responses into something more meaningful.
And it’s also important to note that voice-to-text technology is also a way to turn dry texts into more open-ended questions and responses.
Another Note: Not all texts are meant to be long and should not be considered dry texts. A simple text to say “Good morning. Have a great day” is not a dry text. It’s a greeting and meant to be short. Same thing with a good night text – meant to be short, and it’s not a dry text.
So just what are some examples of dry texts? How about these:
- “WYD?” “Not much.”
- “Good luck on your test today.” “Thanks.”
- “Want to go out Saturday night?” “OK.”
Examples of non-dry texts:
- “Watched the latest episode of (name of TV show) last night. Can’t wait to tell you about it. I’ll call you tonight.” “I want to hear all about it. I’ll be home by 7 – call me then.”
- “Hey, have you ever been zip lining? I want to try it this Saturday – how about you? “Never done it. I’ll be nervous, but I’m up for it. What time?”
An important note about dry texting. Long texts that are more like essays or epistles are what a dry texter does. No one wants to read what is easier said via a phone call, a video call, or in person. Just don’t do it – huge turnoff, and you are definitely a dry texter if you do this.
Another important note about texting. If you do not get an immediate response, chill out. The receiver has a life other than a dating relationship with you. Don’t harass with the same texts. Now you are a dry texter gone overboard.
Plenty of people may only look at their texts once a day. And if they are super busy and pre-occupied, their responses may definitely seem like they are a dry texter.
The point with all of this discussion on texting is this: Texting is probably the least effective means for any person who is dating another to communicate anything of real importance or that is intimate. Better to be using your sense of humor or speaking to an inside joke – something that will bring a smile to their face or cause them to laugh or think fondly of you. This is the stuff of which the first message should be after that first date. They may shoot a quick answer in response. Neither one of you is then a dry texter, and that a good thing.
Now, texting has been used as just one example of how daters communicate.
And we all know that there are all of those other ways to have convos.
What the meat of this article is about, though, is what to say when the convo is dry – how to pick it up and get it back on track with conversation that engage your date – virtual or in person in real life.
So, here you’re going to get some tips and strategies to rescue a conversation that is dry or is getting dry.
How To Start, Keep, or Fix a Conversation
One of the toughest things to do when you are in the early dating stages is to keep the conversation interesting and to keep the conversation going and avoid a lot of small talk, awkward pauses, questions that only require a single remark for answers, and dull and boring topics.
So, here are some strategies and tips that should help.
Turn Small Talk into Large Talk
Now, some small talk is not a bad thing because you learn the “basics” about each other. But unfortunately, a lot of it turns into one-word responses that go no further than that.
So, when you try to get into those basics as conversation starters, reframe the questions so that they require them to respond with more than just a simple remark or phrase.
“What do you do for a living? Why did you choose that line of work/career?”
“What’s your major in school? What made you choose that major?”
Not only does this get your date talking more, but it gives them the idea that you are interested in their life – always a good thing. And their responses can lead to even more questions:
“What would your dream line of work look like once you graduate?”
“Have you ever thought about changing your line of work/career to something else? What would that be?”
Expand on a Topic that Came Up Previously
Suppose they texted you that they had a job interview. Now you are on the phone or on an in-person date.
“Tell me about your job interview. What is the position? How do you think you did? Do you think this possible new job would be interesting and something you’d like? What’s the next step?”
Maybe they mentioned they were going to a class reunion. Now here’s an opportunity for a bun of fun questions:
“You mentioned you were going to a class reunion. I had one last year, and it was a gas.” “I’m anxious to hear all about yours.” “Which of your classmates have changed the most?” “How have they changed?” “Were there people who didn’t recognize you? People you didn’t recognize? Were there people doing things you never imagined they’d be doing?” Now, don’t pepper them with questions. Take their lead. They may want to talk about one person a lot. Just let them go on.
Or you can simply ask an open-ended question – “Tell me the best story from your reunion.”
These and other serious or fun topics are great conversation starters, all just from them mentioning something.
Make a List of Topics for Conversation Starters
You can do some research for this one and then make a list. Writing topics down will let you review them and then choose the ones that you are most comfortable with.
As you are writing, you may want to categorize them. Some of these topics are best for early on in a relationship; others need to come later as the relationship develops. Light, silly, and fun is the “rule” at first gradually becoming deeper.
Fun and Light
- Tell me three people you would have for dinner if you could – they can be dead or alive. (follow up – why would you choose them)
- What’s the strangest food you’ve ever eaten – follow-up – where was it? Would you eat it again?
- What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
- What was your favorite Christmas as a kid?
- Tell me about your favorite thing to do in your spare time.
- Tell me about TV show or series is your favorite?
- What TV show, book, or movie has given you the most inspiration?
- Tell me about the best vacation you have ever taken and why it was the most fun time.
- Do you have a bucket list? Tell me about the top three things on that list.
- What do you do for fun in your free time?
- Tell me about a skill or talent you wish you had.
- If you could have any superpower you want, which one would you choose? Why?
- So, if you won the lottery, what are the first three things you would do? (While it seems light, their response will also give you some insight into their priorities)
Going Deeper
You’ve been dating for a while now, and it’s time to come up with conversation starters that get them to share things about the next layer of their personality. These will give you a sense of their values and priorities. And you need to be prepared to share the same things about yourself. Listen carefully to how they respond. You’ll gain a much better understanding if the two of you are on the same page about some important stuff.
- What is the most important lesson you have learned as an adult?
- Tell me about three personal heroes in your life.
- Tell me what you do to de-stress after a hard day?
- How would you define success for yourself?
- What one thing would you change about the world if you could?
- What three beliefs are the most important to you?
- How would your best friend describe you?
- How important are friends in your life?
- What things do you worry about most? (Do they respond with worry about things in their own life and future or about larger issues such as the environment, world conflict, and such)?
If you’ve done some searching for conversation starters on your own, you will have much more in the way of questions than are listed here. These are just examples of what you want to talk about – things that are interesting, that may have some humor, and that go from light to more serious.
The most important thing for you is to fill you date with the idea that you are really interested in their answers. To do this, you must really listen, making eye contact (if you on video call or in person), nodding as they respond and even repeating what they have said in your own words.
now, in addition to this sampling of questions to keep things from getting dry, here are a few other tips and strategies.
Ask Them About Their Plans for the Day
If you are texting or having a phone call in the morning, ask them about their plans for the day and share yours. You’ll then know pretty much where they will be for the day, and they will know yours. This also keeps you from waiting for them to get in touch with you, if you know they have a busy day ahead. So, if they are not texting you throughout the day, you’ll realize why not.
Use Humor During Awkward Silences
Yes, they will come up – those pauses in a convo where both may be wondering what to say next. You can take charge here and finally fill that that silence with something funny, like, “Sorry, I was meditating for a minute – want to join me?” or “Sorry for the silence. I was just trying picture my next week and when we can catch some time together. What’s your week look like?”
Observe Things and Ask About Them
If you are video chatting, observe their environment. If something catches your eye, ask about it. It might be a new hairstyle/cut; it might be a painting on the wall, or just the color of that well. Give a positive opinion about it and see if they take the “bait” and begin to talk about it. This can lead to chatting about other things as well. You can throw in some talk about your favorite colors or your preferences for artwork.
Get Creative
This is for video calls. And it can be humorous or serious.
Hold up a pencil. “See this pencil? Guess what I might be using it for. (wrong or no guess) Well, actually, I’m writing down a rough outline for an essay I have to write for my school English comp class. It’s supposed to be on an ethical dilemma. I’m thinking about the ethics of eating the last piece of pizza. What are your thoughts on that?
If you want to be more serious, then you could hold up a book that has given you inspiration. “This is my favorite non-fiction book. It’s on the life of Jane Goodall, you know, that woman who spent most of life studying chimpanzees. She just died in October. She had so much to say, and this book has tons of her quotes. I’ll be texting you one of her quotes every morning. We can talk about it when you have time. How’s that sound?”
If you get a negative response (e.g., “Gosh, I really don’t have time in my day for that.”), any licensed social worker dating coach will tell you this person and you are not on the same page. Better to know now.
Play This or That
This is a great game that can be used when you both have some time on the phone or during a casual date over coffee or lunch. Give your date a series of this or that questions. It’s fun and anything but dry:
Here are just a few:
- hot dog or hamburger?
- fish or hamster?
- city or country?
- spicy or mild?
- book or movie?
- be invisible or read minds?
- morning or night?
- team or solo?
You’ll find out a thing or two about this person you’re dating, plus one thing for certain – it won’t be dry.
Key In on Their Interests and Hobbies
If you know about their career or outside interests, ask them to tell you the best story about one of them. That will keep the conversation flowing, and you can then add your own.
Keep Current
When things are getting dry, bring up something that has been in the news. It can be on any topic
“I just read an article couples being able to program specific traits in their babies. What do you think about designer babies?”
“We just had some special elections in a lot of places. It looks like the Democrats are gaining ground. What’s your opinion on that?”
Delving a bit into political views can be important if you have very definite ones. If theirs differ radically from yours, now it not the time to start an argument. But, again, any licensed social worker/dating coach will tell you that if you are both strongly on opposite sides of the political spectrum, the chances for a successful relationship are pretty low.
Watch the Body Language – Yours and Theirs
Here are some typical types of nonverbal language, positive and negative
- Crossing arms is usually shutting someone out. No matter what the verbal exchanges, this says volumes.
- Are you fidgeting? Are they? This is usually a sign of discomfort or boredom. It’s probably time to change the topic of talk.
- Eye contact and leaning in shows that what the other person is saying is interesting and worthwhile.
- Facial expressions can give away a lot when it’s not being said.
You might want to read a couple of articles on nonverbal language – it will help you know when a topic of conversation is interesting, uncomfortable, or just downright dull.
The Wrap…
Dry convos are not interesting; they don’t help people who are dating stay interested in each other or get to know each other in ways that let a relationship develop.
Your goal is to promote conversations that are fun, interesting, and that lead to more conversation. Here’s your major do’s and don’ts:
- Do ask questions that force them to give more than a phrase in reply. Instead of phrasing something like a question, start with “Tell me about…”
- If you are texting, keep your message as short as possible. No one wants to ready an essay – that’s a sure sign of a dry texter. On the other hand, if you have presented something that requires more than a short phrase, and you get only a short, terse reply, realize that they are busy or simply a dry texter. It’s not a relationship killer by any means.
- Including emojis and memes in your text can say a lot, so use them to relay your feelings. Create a meme that refers to an inside joke you have. Get creative with your texting. In short, texting does not have to be dry or dull.
- You can fix a dry chat in lots of ways. Try some of the strategies listed above – there are plenty of them.
- Don’t waste a lot of time wondering what happened if you don’t get a quick reply to your texting. Lots of people delay reading their texts until their day is over. And if they are really busy, they may not go into their texting even for a day or two. Don’t harass with your texting – it’s not becoming and makes you look desperate.
- When you video chat, watch for the nonverbal behaviors. They often say much more than the verbal convo does.
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