LGBTQIA. In most circles, those letters stand for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersex, and asexual. If there is a + sign added, it stands for anyone else whose own identity is somewhere on the full spectrum of the queer community.
Now the term transgender refers to all trans people.
And just who and what are trans people?
A trans person is someone who has been born in the wrong body. Thus, someone born a boy feels like a girl and wants to be one. Someone born a girl feels like a boy and want to be a boy. But because society (and now even the US government) insists that these boys and girls behave in the way they were born, they experience gender dysphoria, the psychological distress caused by their birth gender not aligning with who and what they want to be. It is probably the key factor in their decisions to transition.
Let’s Talk Trans Women
At her very core, a transgender woman is someone who does not identify with her birth gender as a boy. She was born male but has never related to that biological sex at all.
Gender Identity is Not Sexuality
Now it’s important to note here that being a transgender women is a gender identity. It has nothing to do with their own sexuality. They may be of any sexual orientation – lesbian, bisexual, asexual, aromantic, non-binary, or any other sexual orientation on the queer spectrum.
Myths and Misconceptions
“Old habits die hard” is a pretty good way of putting the continued misconception about transgenders, especially transgender women. Here are just a couple:
- It’s a mental illness
- They cannot be around children because they will turn them transgender too
- There are only two sexes, boys and girls, and all people are the gender they were born with.
- They are dangerous freaks, especially when they try to use bathrooms of their fake gender identities. There’s no telling what they might do in there.
Wow. this is quite a list, much of it quite uninformed and downright stupid.
First, in 2019 the World Health Organization (WHO) removed transgenderism from its list of mental disorders. The American Psychological Association (APA) removed it before then.
Second, being trans is not contagious like the flu. No one becomes trans by being around them. They are trans because they are in the wrong body.
Actually, there are not just two genders. There are infants born with both physical characteristics; there are those born whose genitals do not look either. Parents and physicians often make decisions in the hospital that then come back to bite the kid later on during adolescence.
What exactly do people think a trans person will do in a bathroom? Attack someone? Fondle kids? Hogwash.
Transgender Females Have a Tougher Time than Trans Guys
First, it is true that there are more trans females than guys. But more important, they are dealing with their own experiences that a hostile society has placed them in.
Check this out. When a young girl decides that she is in the wrong body, she begins to behave in a masculine way. She wants to participate in sports traditionally reserved for boys. She dresses in male or at least neutral clothing. She adopts typically male nonverbal behaviors. And
And how does society react? “She’s a tomboy!” And being a tomboy is okay – it’s even “cute.”
Now let’s reverse this. A young boy wants to play with dolls; he wants to play dress up in princess costumes; as he gets older, he wants to wear makeup, grow his hair for a great feminine style, and prefers to hang out with females. She is mocked, humiliated, and made a victim of bullying and violence. This is more than people just being anti-gay; this is people targeting trans females in nefarious ways. The female trans experience can be riddled with hostility that results in lots of trust issues.
Let’s Talk Trans Women Dating
So, you’re a cisgender man, you’ve met a cute gal at a bar, at a social event, or at some other venue. You’re attracted. You want to get to know her, so you move in and begin a convo. She seems friendly, intelligent, and has a sense of humor. Your interest grows.
Finally, you ask her for her contact info and give her yours. You’re thinking that the next step is a date.
What you don’t know is that she is a trans female, and she has not revealed this at the first meeting.
As you begin to communicate via messaging or phone calls, she tells you that she is a trans female. And you are stunned. You have no idea what all of this means because you are totally unschooled.
The question becomes whether you still want to pursue a dating relationship or not. You really like her personality, so maybe it’s time to get schooled – not just by peppering her with questions, but by taking your own responsibility for learning what you need to learn.
Prepping to Date a Trans Female
So, if you would still like to date this woman, you’ve got some work to do. Of course, keep the convo going, but also admit to her that you have some learning to do and ask for her patience, re-affirming your continued interest and hope that she will stick it out with you while you school yourself. Now, she may be willing to answer some of your questions and describe her own experiences, but the responsibility lies with you.
Gaining a Better Understanding of the Trans Phenomenon
Where do you go? Here’s a list of all the places and resources for you to learn enough to begin actually dating a trans female.
Begin With a Google Search
Start with a search that has some teeth in the words and the resources you choose. Those resources will be credible – the Mayo Clinic, The American Psychological Association, the National Center for Trans Equality are good for starters.
Read and absorb what these resources have to say. You’ll get an “eye full” and begin to understand not only what transgender women are but trans issues in general and more specifically for females.
Move On to Chat Rooms and Forums
Now, like any Internet source of info, the quality of these runs the whole spectrum. Find those that do not focus on dating and sex but instead real discussions of what it means to be a trans female, that explain the challenges they face, the various reasons for choosing to transition or not, their experiences with dating men, and just in general their levels of self-awareness as they navigate their world.
Nothing is better than hearing their stories and experiences for yourself.
Now, a word of caution here. Be a listener. Learn all that you can. Then, ask questions without being too intrusive. You can even state that you are interested in dating a trans woman you have met and ask for advice. If you happen to join a really good room or forum, you will be welcomed, and the sharing will be open and honest.
By now, you’re probably wondering why you aren’t reading about all the pros of dating a trans woman. Well, we will get you there. But you cannot go in “blind,” and you won’t understand all of the great benefits to you until you understand the trans community and trans women specifically.
One part of understanding is this whole concept of transition. We’ll briefly explain next.
The Transition Process
The specifics of any person’s transition is personal. And don’t you dare ask her when you begin to date. It’s up to her to tell you on her own time and in her own way. You know her identity and her sexuality for now, and that’s enough.
Here are the steps in the transition process. But remember, this is the full process, and any person may choose to anything along that way that feels right for them.
Coming Out
Everyone in the LGBT community understands this one, and most straight people do too.
This is the process of telling others – family, friends, possibly co-workers, and even acquaintances about a person’s gender identity and/or sexuality. Again, the most important part is that a trans person chooses who they tell and when they do so. It is betrayal for anyone else to “out” someone.
There is an Outward Transition
Once transgender women are publicly “out,” they then begin to do typical social transitions – changing their name and pronouns; changing clothing and hairstyles, etc.
Medical Transition
Here’s where things can get a bit dicey. Again, its and individual choice, and some choose not to undergo a physical transition at all.
But for those who do, it can involve any or all of the following:
- Hormone Therapy – This involves lowering testosterone levels and beginning a regimen of estrogen – by pill, injection, or patch. During this process, there are fewer erections and less interest in sex, breast development, softer skin, reduction in body and facial hair and muscles, and an increase in fat.
- Surgery – this also can involve a number of things, top and/or bottom – breast augmentation, facial surgery, and/or genital surgery. And there will be required pre-op exams, both physical and psychological.
- Note: there is also voice therapy available to assist with changes in voice tone and decibels.
Legal Transition
When allowed (in the US, it varies by state), legal documents will be changed to reflect the new gender – birth certificates, driver’s license, passport, etc.
Now, your dating experience with this woman will bring with it lots of benefits that you may not yet realize. And most of them will broaden your perspective on life.
Benefits of Dating a Trans Woman
A transgender female will teach you more than any cisgender woman or any other men can.
She Has a Past of Strength, Courage, and Resilience
Other men or women who date non-trans females tend to have what we might call a “normal” courtship and experience. Those who date transgender females are in for much more.
Most trans females have come through some really tough times. They have stories of their experiences, and the more you date them, the more comfortable they become telling those stories.
You will get many lessons in perseverance, rising to overcome challenges, and dealing with all sorts of adversity and, yes, hate.
First, these stories will make your challenges and issues seem kinda small compared to hers. Second, you will gain some insight into how you, too, can meet such challenges and adversity should they come your way.
Your View on Gender and Identity Will Expand
Societal norms can be pretty confining. Most people live in a binary world – male and female only. And for the most part, media does as well. Even when movies, TV series, and books deal with the whole LGBTQIA+ thing, the major players are cisgender people in fulfilling relationships.
Rarely are relationships between someone and a transgender woman shown that provide this human experience.
But you now have this experience and have gained a unique perspective that has broadened your horizons. You can now begin to advocate for a more non-binary perspective on the part of others.
You Strengthen Your Views on DEI
The concept of diversity, equity and inclusion gets a bad rap these days as current conservativism insists it is a contrived and unrealistic portrayal of reality and results in reverse discrimination. In fact, institutions and organizations have bent to pressure to abandon their DEI policies and practices.
So where does all of this leave the trans female? Out in the cold, for sure.
When you date a trans female, you “get” the importance of DEI in all aspects of education, work, and play. You will then become an advocate and cheerleader for it.
You Confront Biases and Learn Tolerance
If you grew up in a binary “world,” that is your experience and perspective. It has been ingrained in your subconscious, and you may at first feel some discomfort when you learn that the cute girl you met is transgender. This is why you were provided all of the resources earlier in this article to educate yourself.
As you continue to date this woman, your biases will gradually be stripped away. You will see her as the three-dimensional person she is. After all, begin transgender is simply one aspect of who she is. Dating other women who are cisgender will not help you overcome those “built-in” biases.
This is personal growth for you, as you gain valuable insights into a “world” that has been “foreign” to you until now.
You Become an Advocate and Educator
Not every trans woman is willing to be a public display and ad for inclusion and tolerance, so never assume that, when you are out together and overhear trans bashing, she wants to be an “example.”
Confront transphobia and trans bashing for the lack of education and prejudice it is but use your own education and knowledge to do so.
For every person you educate, you may in turn educate 10 more – there can be a ripple effect.
You Become More Empathetic
And what is empathy? It is the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes and see a situation from their perspective. You can now relate to how your date and other trans women often begin dating relationships with a lack of trust and a hesitancy to be fully open and honest in the beginning. Other women don’t promote this.
Obviously, you are getting lots out of a successful relationship with a trans woman. You are more emotionally mature, much wiser, and understanding of the issues and challenges all transgender people face. The trans identity is complex with very different life experiences than you have had. But above all, a trans woman is a three-dimensional human being who deserves the dignity and respect that any straight man or woman and any other member of the LGBTQ+ community deserves. We’re all in this human experiment together, and the more any of us can do to foster and promote oneness, the better off everyone will be.
Bonus Section – All About Dating a Trans Woman (and Sex)
Let’s Talk Dating
So, this cute gal you met and want to date has told you she is a trans woman. The first thing you must do is analyze your own feeling about this. If you should choose to date her, check your motives.
If you motives are curiosity or fetishization, stop right there. You’re not ready for any type of genuine relationship. Back off and move on. The trans woman will respect and understand your decision. This isn’t her first rodeo.
If you should decide that you really want to get to know her as a three-dimensional person, and you know little-to-nothing about the trans gender population and trans women specifically, be honest. Tell her you need time to educate yourself and will she be willing to wait a bit while you do.
There is nothing to say that you cannot see this trans woman while you do get an education. In fact, she may be willing to help you out some herself.
That First Date
Trans women have trust issues. they have been subjected to bullying, verbal and maybe even physical abuse.
The first date must be in a public place in the daytime.
Invite her to lunch at one of your fav spots. Spend time during lunch talking about the typical “getting to know you” questions. Ask about her life in general. Is she a student? What is her major and why did she choose that? Is she in the working world? What is her job/career. Does she like it? What are her hobbies and interests and what are her favorite things to do in her spare time.
After lunch, you might suggest a short walk around the neighborhood.
What all of this does for a trans woman is give her a sense that you have a genuine interest in her. And she comes to believe that she is in a safe space with you.
More Dates
These should still be in daylight hours and in public. You might invite her to meet you for a drink after work, but both of you will arrive and leave in your own transportation. Do not ask her to get in your car.
In Between Dates
Keep in touch even if it’s just short messages to say good morning, hope you day is going well, good night.
Phone calls are good. Keep the topics light – how’s your day going? Want to meet up at the zoo on Saturday?
Once your trans woman is Comfortable and Trusting
You are now probably dating “normally,” going out at night and having a good time
It’s also time for more honesty and openness. Now you can reveal what you are feeling emotionally, any concerns you may have about the relationship, and what boundaries you trans women may have.
Still, this is not the time for inappropriate questions. There may be things she doesn’t want to talk about so respect those boundaries.
If she brings up transition and where she may be (or not) in the process, then that’s a topic for discussion. If you have had any physical displays of affection (kissing, handholding, cuddling), ask her how she feels about that.
In short, let your trans woman take the lead here. But you don’t need to hold back on what your desires and needs are too.
Let’s Talk Physical Intimacy
In a normal romantic relationship development, physical intimacy is a natural result.
Both of you are at a point where this must be addressed.
Ask Questions
What does your trans woman partner want in the way of physical intimacy? What is she comfortable with and what is off limits, at least for now?
Transgender people may in various stages of transition, and not all transgender people undergo full surgical transition. If you’ve been dating for quite a while, you probably know where your trans woman is in the transition process, if at all.
Be Mindful of Gender Dysphoria
Her body may not look like that of a cis woman, and she may have gender dysphoria as you see it. You need to be sensitive to this.
That’s why it’s important to build a strong emotional bond, so that physical intimacy isn’t just about only that. A really strong emotional connection really supplements physical intimacy for trans women and counteracts the dysphoria.
In the end, relationships are not all about body intimacy. Relationships are about two people who understand each other’s needs and desires, emotionally and physically, understand them, and work together to satisfy each other. That’s how any romantic relationship in life works.
Let’s Talk Friends, Family, and Co-Workers
If the relationship between your trans partner becomes serious, you both have friends and family, and it stands to reason that you will be meeting them.
This means a prep discussion, so you are both on the same page. Here are the things to discuss:
- Does your trans woman partner want you to tell friends and family in advance that she is a transgender partner? Or does she want you to introduce her as you would any other woman? It’s a betrayal if you divulge you are in a relationship with a trans woman without her permission.
- What friends and family members know her “status” and which ones do not? You don’t want to slip up during any conversation about your relationship. And the same thing goes for her.
- If you attend each other’s work events, your trans woman partner probably wants you to introduce her as you would any other woman. And you need to know if co-workers are aware of her status or not.
Ironing out all of these details in advance will make both you and your partner at ease as you navigate this territory.
Let’s Recap…
- Trans people are born in a body that does not match who they know they really are.
- Trans people come with their unique backgrounds, challenges, and issues. While any transgender person wants to be seen as three-dimensional, most often the larger “binary-oriented” population cannot see beyond their transgenderism.
- Trans women have a tougher time of it because they are seen as boys and men who are “freaks.” Trans guys are often seen as just “tomboys” growing up.
- People who meet and decide to date and have a relationship with a trans woman have a lot of work ahead of them, if they want that relationship to grow, so that the trans woman becomes a romantic partner.
- Trans women have trust issues because of their past experiences. the key is to move very slowly, meet in public places during the daytime only, keep communication light and related to their three-dimensional being, and let them take the lead as the relationship grows.
- Be aware of the language you use (e.g., pronouns)
- Let your trans woman take the lead in any discussion of transition and physical intimacy.
- Be honest and open about your concerns, needs, and desires
- Take all of the benefits that the relationship brings to you and spread those benefits by advocacy, support, and commitment to a more tolerant and accepting world.
- If you want a true partner out of this relationship, build lots of emotional intimacy into that partnership.
- Work together as true partners to meet each other’s needs
- Be genuine partners by preparing each other for meeting significant others and co-workers.
- Work with your partner to build the long-lasting relationship, if that is what both of you want.
Now go forth, find your ideal space for you and your trans female partner, have fun, and thrive.
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