A transgender person, on the other hand, identifies as the opposite gender of his or her birth gender assignment. A nonbinary person doesn’t identify strictly as a man or woman.
Most people know that persons with any gender identities can find themselves connected romantically and sexually. There’s nothing weird about that. But, you may have questions. If you are CIS and dating someone who isn’t, you may even feel some anxiety. You don’t want to say or do something offensive or traumatizing.
Just remember that like any other couple, they find one another and they do develop romantic and sexual relationships, some of them monogamous and long-lasting.
Here’s a short true story of how this can happen. Sally is a cis woman. As an adult, she married a cis man and had three children. She was unsatisfied, romantically and sexually, and, after some exploration, she chose to identify as a lesbian. She divorced her husband and began to explore casual dating relationships with other lesbians. Then she met Julian a trans man who was assigned female at birth. The attraction was immediate. They formed a strong partnership during which Sally supported her new partner’s transition. Today, they are married.
Cis and Trans/Nonbinary Relationships Go Back to Childhood
Long before they reach dating age, cis and trans/nonbinary children develop their identities and gravitate to relationships that are most comfortable for them. A major study out of the University of Washington, published in 2019, tracked 300 children who had socially transitioned to their preferred gender and their relationships to and with cis children.
Among the findings were that trans kids were just as adamant about their gender identity as were cis kids. And both groups chose clothing, interests, toys, and activities that related to their gender preferences.
A side result of this study is that cis men and women established strong friendships with their trans/nonbinary counterparts that lasted into their early teen years (the end of the study). We know that genuine friendships can’t be changed by transitioning. What about romantic relationships? We’ll talk about it further.
When You Are a Cis Person Dating A Trans/Nonbinary Person
Also, if you are a cis of any identity, you may want to register on one or more dating apps, fill out your profile, add a few photos, and see what pops up.
Trans/Nonbinary Matches
Based on your profile, you may be presented with matches that identify as trans or nonbinary. And you may be inclined to pass them over. Take a step back here.
If you are not familiar with these gender identities, it may be time to do some research – a great dating relationship may await.
Do Your Research
What do you really know about trans and nonbinary people? Hopefully, it has not been from Gutfeld, Shapiro, or the Daily Wire. You may have a cursory understanding but have never considered them to be “dating material.” After all, your gender identity is based on your gender at birth, and theirs is not.
It’s time to get a deeper understanding of trans and nonbinary identities.
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For a simple yet current scientific explanation of transgender identity, start with this video.
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For a better understanding of the nonbinary, here is an explanation provided by five who declare this identity.
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And here is an excellent article that also provides lots of additional resources.
Getting to the Heart of the Matter – How to Date a Trans/Non-Binary Person
First of all, you need to understand that dating a trans/nonbinary person is like dating anyone else. If you focus on their gender identity the entire time you date, then the relationship will not work. The focus should be on the person you are having a date with – as an individual, not a gender.
Get to Know Them via Chat Before Setting Up an In-Person Date
Let’s say you are a cis man beginning to date a trans woman. Ask questions as you chat – what does she like in a man, what are her hobbies, her view of the world, and such? If the chatting has been taken to the next level, you might even ask what she likes in bed. If not, there’s time for this talk after a few dates.
She might be more reluctant to talk to you about intimate things than CIS women you’ve dated before. You need to understand that she may have had previous bad experiences with men and use a gentle approach.
Make Sure You Check on Your Date’s Comfort Level
Such things are important – they show your respect for who they are. Ask them what pronouns they use, and then be sure to use them when the occasion arises.
If things have become physical, you have hopefully read about gender dysphoria. Trans people may be in any stage of transition (or not at all), and they may be uncomfortable with you touching or even seeing parts of their body. Respect their wishes. This may change as the relationship progresses.
You may not get what you want physically, but you have a choice. Put their needs first right now or simply decide to end it and move on.
Be Prepared to Be Judged
You may like your significant other a lot, but the world is full of transphobia and bigotry. So, when people from your inner circle or family learn you are dating a trans person, you may get a negative reaction. How do you feel about that judgment?
Be honest as you do end the relationship. The problem is you, not them.
Accept Bodily Changes Your Dating Partner May Want and Get
This is for any cis person dating a trans person long-term. You may be content and happy with them just the way they are. But they may still be on their transition path, planning more surgeries or other medical interventions. If you love them for who they are as a person, then you will support their decisions.
In the End…
The identities of trans/nonbinary people are only a part of who they are. Date like you would any other person. There are some differences and challenges, though, so do your best to be an informed and compassionate dating partner.
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