You’re a cis person preparing for a date with a trans man. If you’ve never dated a trans partner before, it’s understandable that you feel anxious. You don’t want to say or do anything that causes harm. You may also wonder what it means for you to be attracted to a trans man.
Take it Easy
First, relax. A date with a trans person (or anyone else!) doesn’t have to be a high-stress experience. You aren’t being betrothed. You’re simply enjoying a social experience. Dating a trans person isn’t much different than dating anyone else. Yes, there may be conversations to have later, but none of that has to happen on the first date.
Don’t Ask Intrusive Questions of Trans People
You already know there are some things that shouldn’t be a topic of conversation on the first date. It’s time to add a few items to that list. Don’t ask a trans man:
- The name his parents gave him
- The status of his genitals
- What he looked like when he was a woman or girl (hint: he was never a woman)
- Whether he takes hormones
- If he’s had surgery
- To see pictures of him from his past
Think of it this way, even a cis person may have chosen to change their name, have had medical procedures performed on them, or take medication. They may have things about their bodies that make them look different from other people whose bodies you’ve seen. You wouldn’t assume you have the right to know these details about them. The same thing applies to trans men.
Be Careful About The Word Transition
The concept of transition is kind of a sticky subject with trans people. Transition is something that is very personal to each transgender man or transgender woman. Remember that a person’s medical history or surgery choices aren’t your business. Also, avoid asking if they have completed their transition yet. There’s no universal definition of transition let alone what it means to finish transitioning.
Each trans person is the gender they identify as. Only they can determine which procedures or other changes they will make to their body, dress, or mannerisms. For example, some people will choose to have surgery or take hormones to appear more masculine. Others won’t. Nobody is more or less transgender because of the course they choose to live as their authentic self.
Related: This is also a good time to reconsider your understanding of the concept of passing. The idea that a person’s gender is more legitimate if they are immediately perceived by others as a certain gender is harmful. A person’s gender is valid from the moment they recognize and express that.
Share Your Pronouns
This is good policy in general, but can especially put trans people at ease. When you share your pronouns, you acknowledge that you see them as an important part of a person’s identity. A trans man is going to feel safer entering a relationship with you if he knows you respect his gender identity. It also gives them an opening to share theirs with you.
What if I Suspect But Can’t Tell?
Enjoy your date anyway! Get to know the whole person without focusing too much on this one aspect. Chances are, when they become comfortable with you and your relationship progresses, they’ll feel comfortable and be more open with you. Just keep in mind that each trans person has the right to decide when or if they disclose their status to another person.
Dating a Trans Person Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay
It also doesn’t mean you aren’t gay. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two distinct things. A transgender man who is attracted to cis and transgender women is a straight man. If you are a woman who dates trans men, then you are straight. If you date trans men and are a cis or transgender man, then you are gay.
Gender identity is your personal sense of your own gender. Sexual identity is your internalized perception of your sexuality and includes:
- Heterosexuality
- Bisexuality
- Homosexuality – gay or lesbian
- Asexuality
- Pansexuality
This is not a complete list. Finally, sexual orientation describes the target of your attractions. Your sexuality doesn’t change because your romantic partners are trans men or trans women.
What if I’m Not Into It?
You have the right to date or not date anyone you choose. That includes a trans person. What’s important is how you handle having that conversation, and what you tell yourself when you examine your own motivations.
First, you don’t need to reject a trans person any differently than you would a cis person. Often, the best approach is to simply say that you don’t feel a romantic connection, and move on. If it’s early on, most people won’t feel entitled to more information than that. You wouldn’t tell cis people that there was something about their identity or body that bothered you. There’s no need to communicate any potentially hurtful things to a person who is trans either.
Does This Mean I’m Transphobic?
Maybe or maybe not. It isn’t inherently transphobic to not date a trans person because your personalities don’t align or you have different relationship goals. It’s certainly transphobic if you dislike or feel disgusted by trans people.
There are also some gray areas here. Conscious and unconscious bias can impact our attractions to people. This can certainly come up when trans people are involved. You can be supportive of trans rights and believe that people have the right to pursue a life of authenticity while still having some anti-transgender biases.
Also, people have attractions and preferences that involve specific body parts and shapes. There’s a wide range of opinions on whether it’s transphobic or not to reject a person based on their anatomy even if their gender aligns with your sexual orientation.
Ultimately, only you can examine your own motives and internalized beliefs. Keep in mind that all of us have some prejudices to unpack. That’s okay, as long as we do the work to continue evolving and ensure that we aren’t harming others. Don’t feel pressured to stay in any dating situation where you feel uncomfortable, but also be willing to consider what’s driving your thoughts and actions.
Respect Your Partner’s Privacy
Never assume that a trans person is fully out. Even if the transgender person you’re dating has been open with you, they may not feel safe disclosing to others. Never identify a trans woman or man as anything other than a woman or man when you mention them. Give them space to talk about their gender when they decide to do that. Understand that they may have valid reasons for being afraid to disclose or simply wanting to decide to whom they reveal that information.
Educate Yourself
Trans people are often expected to do the emotional labor of educating others about their gender, identity, and experiences. That’s unfair to them, and can take a toll on their mental health. It’s important that cis people take responsibility for their own education when it comes to learning about what it means to be transgender, the issues trans people face, and especially what they might encounter when dating someone.
Don’t Make it All About Their Transgender Identity
There are so many interesting things to go over with a person you’ve just started dating. Being trans is just one aspect of his identity. He has friends, hobbies, work, values, relationship goals, and interests. Get to know him by talking about those things.
Keep in mind that for a trans guy, constant talking about his gender can be a red flag. If that’s all you seem to be interested in, he might think you’re just fetishizing him.
Honestly, could you blame him? If you find yourself constantly circling back to talk about his gender, or his experience as a trans person, it’s time to reevaluate your motives. Because, you may be more interested in connecting with a trans person than getting to know the whole individual sitting across from you.
Be Prepared to Talk About Intimacy – Eventually
You can have intimate relationship with a trans man. However, that only happens if both of you can communicate with one another, respect boundaries, and talk about your and your trans partner’s preferences. Your trans partner deserves affirmation, care, and understanding. The good news is that by having these conversations, you have the potential to connect at such a deep level while enjoying a mutually satisfying experience.
Start by using language that helps assure them and allows them to enjoy intimacy without struggling with dysphoria. Trans men often have preferences when they talk about their bodies. Ask them what they call their body parts. For example, many prefer chest to breast. This applies, even if they haven’t had any surgical procedures.
Every person varies in how they prefer to engage in close relationship. This is true for trans women, non binary folks, and cisgender individuals too. Some trans men have had bottom surgery to create a member. Others may have developed an “outie” or small penis that develops when the clitoris grows due to hormone treatments. Each man will have different preferences on how or if they will involve their genitals during intimacy. Some will be fine with you seeing or touching it, but not all guys.
So, how does intimacy work between trans men and women? Sometimes, it involves penetration. There are prosthetics that trans men can use to simulate the male organ. If he’s had phalloplasty, he may be able to use his own body to penetrate women during intimacy. However, it’s important to step away from heteronormative expectations about what it means to make love. You and your partner don’t have to penetrate one another for it to “count”. There are so many different things the two of you can do to enjoy one another’s bodies and make an intimate connection.
Talking About Your Relationship to Friends And Family
Before you talk about your relationship with a trans man or masculine identifying non binary person, keep safety and respect in mind. The same rules about not outing your partner still apply. If your partner is okay with you disclosing their identity, be prepared to have some frank but loving discussions.
The people in your life may not understand what the relationship dynamics are like when you date a trans man. They may not have the vocabulary to speak to and about your partner in an affirming way. Learn to discern the difference between bigotry and lack of education. Offer support and education while being firm in your insistence that they treat your partner with dignity and respect. You can be loving and patient with your loved ones while making it a priority to always affirm your partner’s identity and experiences.
Be Affirming in Your Interactions
Of course you want to be affirming of your partner’s identity when you are intimate, but that needs to be part of all of your interactions with your date. You don’t have to be engaging in intimacy to support and affirm his masculinity.
Communication is so important. Talk to him about what you can say and do to make him feel validated. Compliment him in ways that you would compliment someone who was assigned male at birth. Support the things he does to express his gender. Tell him he’s handsome and strong.
Encourage him to be honest with you about what traits he associates with being a man. Talk about how you can use language in platonic situations to make him feel supported in dating situations. You can do this even if you’re a guy and identify as masculine too. You don’t have to be his girlfriend to make him feel heard when he expresses how he feels affirmed in his interactions.
Your Identity And Feelings Matter Too
Be supportive, but don’t lose yourself by only centering his needs. You are a part of this emerging relationship, and your needs matter too. He should be open to hearing about your identity, interests, and what you expect from this relationship too. This is key to a relationship being mutually enjoyable for both of you.
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