The breakup may be simple or complicated. For example, if a couple is legally married, the breakup can be a bit complex and lengthier because divorce proceedings are involved. If there is no other legal partnership, the breakup can be simple. If they are living together, then one looks for another place to live, packs up, and moves out. Even easier if it’s just “Casual Now”.
Most might think that a breakup, whether a divorce, a civil union, or a simple split just ends it, even if they remain friends.
Not so fast. There is this thing called “breakup dating.” Yes, it’s a real thing, and it actually has a clear definition – dating that happens between couples who have broken up within two weeks of that breakup. It is not regular dating, but instead one or two encounters that are temporary. And this breakup dating is not to be confused with “dating with an ex” that may occur months or more after the breakup. Breakup dating occurs while the partnership is freshly ended when there are probably still unresolved feelings. And it’s a real thing. The question becomes why couples engage in breakup dating and what are the benefits and drawbacks of the activity.
Just Why Do Couples Have Breakup Dating?
While there are not a lot of research studies on breakup dating with an ex within two weeks of the break, there are a couple. One explored how couples felt after post breakup dating. A second study focused more on the reasons for breakup dating, and this study provides greater insight.
The first study reported that many couples still had the same or even increased unresolved feelings as they had before dating after a breakup. Others reported that they were able to end the relationship on a better note because their dating activity had been one positive thing in the relationship.
The second study spoke to the reasons why couples engage in breakup dates. This research suggests that there are three major reasons are as follows:
Seeking Pleasure
There is a part of human nature that exists in all of us. We seek pleasure and avoid pain. And so, we do those things that make us feel good. And let’s face it – dating is one of those things.
So, there is pleasure in the dating itself. But there is a different type of gratification too. We all want the sense of feeling good about ourselves. If we are able to still find fulfillment in going out on dates with our ex, even after the relationship ends, we get a real ego boost. Men tended to list this as a reason more than women.
Mixed Feelings
This is also known as ambivalence. Couples who have been together for a while have had strong feelings for one another. When they split, one or both may also develop some negative emotions – anger, disappointment, hurt, etc. And amidst all of these, dating may provide a certain emotional release, at least in the short term. Any person using breakup dating as such a release must realize that it is no solution to the angry and hurt feelings they have – those will return.
Hope For Reconciliation
One partner may be clinging to the hope that the relationship can be salvaged and that one more really fun, well-planned date could bring this about. The term used for this is relationship maintenance. While this may happen after a longer period of separation, it is unlikely to happen within two weeks of the split, especially if one partner has already been out there and enjoying the newly single life. Women engage in the goal of relationship maintenance more than men, according to the research.
And a Fourth Reason
One of the things that the research has not really addressed is the fact that going on dates was one thing that both really enjoyed in their relationship – perhaps the only thing, actually. And they may not be ready to get out there and date strangers right away. And yet they are horny. If they both can intellectually rationalize it, the concept of “friends with benefits” may be a workable solution in the near term. They can both satisfy their urges and go on the best dates ever without any emotional entanglement. While this is not too common, it does happen. For these couples dating just feels good right now, so why not? A word of caution here. If you are unable to divorce your emotional attachment, you should steer clear of this type of relationship.
Is Breakup Dating Unhealthy?
Most researchers seem to see breakup dating as emotionally unhealthy. In an article for Psychology Today, Claire Jack, Ph.D. summarizes these drawbacks:
It Gives One Partner False Hope
If the split has caused hurt and pain for one partner, they may agree to go on breakup dates, thinking that somehow it will trigger a reconciliation, even though the other partner is out for just being casual. This is neither fair nor healthy for the hurting partner. It just prolongs the acceptance of the breakup.
It Stops People from Moving Forward
Particularly after a lengthy partnership, one or both of them may be feeling somewhat “lost,” trying to figure out how to get out there, enjoy a single life again, and make new connections. It may take some time. But if they continue to engage in breakup dating, that becomes a comfortable and secure place to be. The problem is it simply stalls the inevitable and the healing process. A relationship is far more than just going on dates, but, in this situation, that’s all each partner is getting.
Hormones are Mistaken for Love
During dates, those “feel good” hormones are raging. And those hormones can cause a sense of love. This can cause one or both to be left wondering if there is still love there and should they decide to try to salvage things. Ultimately, in the “cold light of day,” they will realize that what they had was a fun moment and ambivalent reasons for getting together for that date. Breakup dating can occur for different reasons, but one thing is for certain. Both partners must not let their desire for dating control their minds – this condition is only temporary. One of the partners comes down to reality while the other can be stuck on relationship maintenance, thinking that the love is coming back. Women engage in this thinking and hope more than men, according to researchers.
Is Breakup Dating Ever Healthy?
There are some psychosexual therapists who do believe that it can be, for a few reasons. Two therapists, Kate Moyle, and John Moore were interviewed for an article in Elite Daily about the potential benefits of breakup sex. Here is what they had to say:
It Can Release Inhibitions
According to Moyle, if a couple has broken up and then ends up dating again, there are no longer the inhibitions or the fear of being a fun dating partner that may have existed during the past experiences of the relationship. Partners can be bolder with their moves, experimenting with new activities that they may not have done before. It can actually cause them to have a heightened state of dating pleasure that can transfer over to new relationships in the future.
It Can Help Bring Better Closure
According to Dr. Moore, breakups are a long-drawn-out process that occurs over a period of time. “Most people think relational collapses are an immediate event when in fact, they aren’t. Instead, breaking up is part of an ongoing process.” Moore explains further that dating one last time can actually help to end the breakup in a better way. For example, the breakup has occurred after a lengthy period of arguing, perhaps cheating, or any number of negative situations and experiences. But the dating was always great. Going on a breakup date makes the last experience with each other a good one and can help to end the relationship on a more positive note.
Circumstances That Call for Breakup Dating with an Ex
Relationships are complicated. And there are times when, despite the best dating in the world, both people feel that it isn’t working. But they want to end it all on a happy note. What could be happier than one final great romp between the sheets? Here are some of those circumstances:
Both Realize It’s Going Nowhere
It happens. Each person is mature and ready to admit that what they thought would be a good match in the first place just isn’t. And so, without any anger, pain, regret, or negative emotions, they agree to end it on a happy note with one last fun and glorious date.
The Love Has Faded
This just happens to many couples. Over time, the romance slowly dies out, and they are just going through the motions of being a couple. Neither has done anything wrong – they just aren’t in love. The one thing they both have enjoyed is dating. Breakup dating just seems a natural thing as they say their final goodbyes.
Long-Distance Loves
Each person starts out really motivated to make this thing work, even though they are miles apart. And it does for a while. When they do get together, everything in their world is just right. Over time, it wears thin, though, and flirting on FaceTime just gets old and unsatisfactory. At some point, the talking and longing don’t cut it, and it’s time to look for someone who can physically be there. Again, nobody did anything wrong. But getting together for one last amazing date isn’t wrong either.
Lives Going in Different Directions
Phil is in law school and a serious student. Steve is in bartending school and a late-night partier, looking for fun times 4-5 nights a week. Living together has become tough for both. Lifestyles are just too different, and arguments with lots of emotions are frequent. Better to just end it. But that doesn’t mean that one last fun date night with the ex can’t . The point is that enjoying dating was always there, so focus on that as you do the right thing and break up.
Breakup Dating Must be a Personal Choice
Each person knows themselves and what will make their breaking up go better. Sometimes, breakup dating puts the final period on that relationship sentence. For others, though, the motivation for the breakup dates may be rekindling a relationship that is dead, at least in the eyes of the other partner. If you still have a strong attachment to an ex who does not share that, don’t let that person pressure you into breakup dating. You have decided that ending it has to happen, but end it on your terms, not theirs.
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